Cubs Live? Cubs at Satanic Fowl, 12:45 pm

CHC: Paul Maholm 4-2, 4.05 ERA
STL: Kyle Lohse 5-1, 2.08 ERA

Phildo’s Power Wankings: Can’t stop that Braves offense!

Last time on Mild Retardation Theater, Phil waxed poetic about…Curtis Granderson…again (I know, right?), how Kenny Williams assraped Brad Eldred’s budding career four years ago and how Marlon Byrd’s mere presence had righted whatever was wronging the Red Sox.  Let’s see what the brilliant baseball brain has for us this week:

My new favorite picture, ever

Emasculating haircut?  Check.
Emasculating dog?  Check.
Comfy pants? Check.
Orange running shoes that Steve Prefontaine likely tested in 1973?  Check.
Pink bag filled with rolled up dog shit retrieval bags?  Check.
Bemused look?  Check.
Giving the old fuck you to the paparazzo?  Check.

Phildo’s Power Wankings: The (not) putting Pujols into context edition

When last we heard from our ranking hero Phil Rogers he was trying to understand the Spinx that is Chad Billingsley, he was rewarding the Mets scrappy start by moving them down the rankings, and he wanted to rank the plucky Indians higher, but the feces throwing monkeys who rank the teams would not listen to him.

This week, Phil has a shocking number of one sentence (i.e. mailed in without any effort or thought) entries.  Apparently he caught some sort of sportswriting STD from Rick Telander.

Terrible Cubs of Recent Vintage: 1997

The current edition of the Cubs is awful.  They’ve won six of their first 18, which is awful.  But the Cubs know awful better than anybody else.

And so, here’s the start of a short series titled: Terrible Cubs of a Recent Vintage, a (fake) oral history of some of the shittiest Cubs teams in recent memory.

No list of such teams would be complete without the infamous 1997 Cubs.  The team that started the season winless in their first 14 games.  Really, there’s nothing better than being mathematically eliminated before Tax Day.