CHC: Paul Maholm 4-2, 4.05 ERA
STL: Kyle Lohse 5-1, 2.08 ERA

Rogers’ MLB power rankings: Rangers hold onto No. 1

Statistics through Sunday (last week’s rank)

1. Rangers (1): Matt Harrison’s new and improved sinker hasn’t been sinking. Otherwise there’s not much to be concerned about even though they’ve lost three consecutive series. This will be an interesting week with a four-game series against the hot Orioles before returning to Arlington to face Albert Pujols and the Angels.

Nothing to worry about here, except for one guy’s pitch that isn’t working, the fact that the Rangers haven’t won a series in two weeks and that their best player, having his best season is even money to a) relapse, b) accidentally kill a fan (again), c) have his spleen fall out of his body or d) all of the above.

2. Rays (3): Manager Joe Maddon has stepped up his revolving infield routine with Evan Longoria out. Three different starting third basemen in first six games without Longoria.

What is wrong with Maddon?  The guy can’t settle on a lineup, just because his best player is out for two months and they don’t have anyone capable of playing that spot every day?  Can’t he just get Ryan Freel on speed dial?

3. Braves (6): Twenty-second in scoring a year ago, the Braves are outscoring every team in the majors. Seven of the eight regulars have an OPS of .750-plus, and rookie shortstop Tyler Pastornicky is trending upward after a slow start.

The Braves are unstoppable!  No team can keep this offensive juggernaut down!  You know, except for the…Cubs?  The Braves scored four runs in three games at Wrigley and lost two.

4. Dodgers (2): Two off nights in Chicago might not have been the perfect formula heading into the weekend series at Wrigley Field, which was Matt Kemp’s first without a home run since a two-game trip to Milwaukee in mid-April.

See, Matt Kemp, he spaces his homers out just right so that he hits at least one in every series, except for Milwaukee and Chicago, likely because those fans are extra racist.  Just ask Jock Jones.

5. Cardinals (4): Started the week with a run differential of plus-62, the best in the majors.

This seems like a meaningless statistic, except under the new two wild cards in each league playoff format, it’s actually one of the tiebreakers.

If two teams end up tied for the final wild card, the tie is decided by:

1. Head to head record against the other team, if still tied;
2. Did Bud Selig ever own either team?  If yes, that team is in.  If not;
3. Tony LaRussa gets to pick.  If he can’t decide;
4. Run differential!  If still tied;
5. Fuck it.  Both teams can go!

6. Nationals (7): Bryce Harper joined a good team; he didn’t make it one.

He joined a good team with an injury-riddled, shitty offense.  And, as much as I am inclined to not like the douchey teenager…he’s awesome.  Even if the four inch eyeblack he wears makes it look like what happens to “the Peter Criss” in any KISS tribute band who starts weeping uncontrollably for any reason (most likely that he/she is in a KISS tribute band.)

7. Orioles (12): They loved every minute of misery they caused the Red Sox this weekend, especially the two shutout innings pitched by first baseman Chris Davis on Sunday. Camden Yards is going to be humming with the Rangers in town and the O’s having just won five straight from the Yankees and Red Sox.

I don’t get the Orioles.  You know except that Buck Showalter is a really good manager, and always has been, and Dan Duquette is a really good GM and always has been.  And, of course, both are raging asswipes.

8. Tigers (8): The dream collection of hitters is eighth in the AL (and third in the AL Central, behind Kansas City and Cleveland) in OPS. Something is not computing.

The “dream” collection of hitters is really just two guys, Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder.  Prince is hitting well.  Miggy isn’t…yet, and Austin Jackson’s been awesome.  And the team is over .500 and only two games out of first.  So what exactly is the big problem here?

9. Blue Jays (9): Only team in the AL to have gotten five-plus innings from a starting pitcher in every game this year.

That’s a great stat.  You know the other great stat?  They have the same record as Oakland.  Wait, neither of those are great stats.  Never mind.

10. Yankees (5): Will a big Sunday in Kansas City awaken a lineup that has been underperforming? Will Brian Cashman make a trade to replace Mariano Rivera?

I’m sure a big game against the worst pitching staff in…the world, was just the thing to turn the Yankees around.  And here’s all you need to know about whether the Yankees will trade for a reliever.  Both Phil and Dave Kaplan think the Yankees can be tempted to trade for Carlos Marmol.  When those two big baseball brains agree on anything, it officially makes it the most laughable thought in history.

11. Phillies (11): They’ve let the Nationals know they’re taking them seriously.

Hey, you there!  Yeah, you, the team that’s five games ahead of us in the standings!  You, the team who has two great players still years away from their primes!  We’re taking you seriously!  You got that?  Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna watch “Invincible” with my pants off again.  Marky Mark rules!

12. Angels (18): If Albert Pujols hits from here on out like he did in 2010 (he was on the DL at midseason in ’11, so skip back two years), he’ll wind up hitting .287 with 36 homers and 100 RBIs. But who’s to say he’s going to get back on form because he has ended a regular-season homer-less drought that had reached 139 at-bats?

If Albert Pujols did exactly the same thing he did two years ago from this day forward, he’d have a good season. Unless he steps on a butterfly, in which case we’ll all die of smallpox nine months ago!  Scary.

13. Marlins (20): Badly needed winning streak for Team Ozzie. Giancarlo Stanton has announced his presence.

Hi guys, it’s me, Giancarlo.  Over here.  Hey, guys!  Guys!  It’s me, Mike Stanton.  Guys!  No, the big black Mike Stanton, not the squatty white relief pitcher one.  How’s it goin’?

14. Giants (10): Pablo Sandoval’s broken hamate bone provides a chance to let Conor Gillaspie get his feet wet. It does nothing to ease the burden on Aubrey Huff, who was sidelined with anxiety issues.

Yes, Phil just identified the silver lining in the Giants losing their best offensive player.  The chance to see a singles hitter play third base for two months while Audrey Huff breathes into a paper bag.  Giants fever!  Catch it!

15. Reds (16): Mat Latos has had two scoreless outings in his last three starts.

Great job, Latos!  Got your ERA under five now! (4.93).

16. Indians (19): Have beaten the Rangers, White Sox and Angels in their last three series, giving Chris Perez a chance to be first reliever to double-figure saves.

They’ve beaten one really good team and two lousy teams in their last three series.  Which means, what? And notice the patented awkward phrasing where he says “giving Chris Perez a chance to be the first reliever to double-figure saves.”  More than a chance, given that when Phil wrote it, Perez had 10.  Which, I think is double figures.

17. Diamondbacks (13): First base platoon of Paul Goldschmidt and Lyle Overbay isn’t as productive as Goldschmidt was when he carried the load last August and September. He hits right-handed but batted better against right-handers than lefties a year ago.

Two things about this.  First, no good player ever gets platooned with a hump like Lyle Overbay.  Second, Goldschmidt played out of his gourd last year, there was no way he was going to be as good this year.  So…what?  So what?  So, let’s dance!

18. Mets (14): Power outage in Queens.

Because the hallmark of their early season success has been all those homers they’re always hitting.  They rank 14th in a 16 team league with 19 homers.  Does Phil know any of the rules?

19. White Sox (17): Chris Sale move to the bullpen was a shocker, especially for Sale.

Hey Chris, you can’t sit here no more.  You gotta go sit in that little box way over there behind the fence.  Sorry.  No sore armed guys here in the dugout.  Go down there and see if you can snap whatever’s left of your ulnar collateral ligament!  Coop says you have to!

20. Athletics (24): Brandon Inge is hitting .174 since joining Oakland, and that has raised his season average to .140. Painful math for him.

The very night Phil mocked Inge’s batting average, Inge hit a walk-off grand slam.

I mean sure, Inge still sucks.  But that’s so Phil.  I love those yellow throwbacks the A’s rock some games.  My retinas don’t, but the rest of me does.

21. Red Sox (15): Two five-game losing streaks by May 5 for a team that was put together to make the playoffs. The problem is simple: Fix a pitching staff that is allowing the most runs in the majors. Must be looking at all available options, including the White Sox’s Matt Thornton.

Who’s available?
What about Matt Thornton?
Well, he’s expensive.  He’s old.  He’s given up more hits than innings.  The White Sox desperately need a closer, but they don’t think he can handle it.
Perfect!  Let’s get him!

22. Rockies (21): Allowing the most runs in the NL, but don’t blame Jamie Moyer. His 4.01 ERA is the lowest in the rotation.

Maybe blame him for the fact that the bullpen has to go at least four innings every time he starts, which fucks it up for everybody else?  Nah, that’s too harsh.  Replace that with, “Wow, the Rockies pitching sucks, then.”

23. Astros (30: It’s all about Jose Altuve and his .352 average.

Exactly a month ago, for Phil, it was all about JD Martinez’s hot bat and how he was emerging as a bona fide star.  Since that day?  .195/.347/.273/.620.  You read that right…he’s slugging .273.  Let’s put that into perspective.  Tony Campana is slugging .396.  JD Martinez is 6’3, 200.  Tony Campana was a prize in a box of Honeycombs that Oneri Fleita ate in 2009.

24. Brewers (22): Shortstop Alex Gonzalez’s season-ending knee injury is a real crippler. It comes on the heels of losing first baseman Mat Gamel.

Get it!  A real crippler!  Phil is a hoot.  Look, if losing Alex Gonzalez and Mat Gamel kills your offense…your offense was terminal in the first place.  The problem for the Brewers is that they have a shitty farm system, and they traded their one really good prospect, Brett Lawrie to the Blue Jays for Shaun F’ing Marcum.  Oops.  That turned out fine, because they signed E-ramis for three years and he’s hitting .218 with a 75 OPS plus.  So…profit?

25. Pirates (25): Is the real Pedro Alvarez finally standing up?

He looks slightly less portly when he stands up.  So…maybe?

26. Mariners (23): Seven-game losing streak spoiled what had been a solid April.

Seattke was two games under .500 in April and are two games under .500 so far in May.  Maybe they’re just shitty?

27. Royals (26): Nothing is holding these guys back more than the stunted development of Luke Hochevar, a supposed No. 1 starter with a 5.46 career ERA after 600-plus innings. He has allowed seven-plus runs three times already.

No, what’s holding them back is starting Luke Hochevar every fifth day even though he’s proven every year that he’s terrible.  That and the fact they have nobody to take his spot.

28. Cubs (29): History says it’s time for a flurry of homers from Alfonso Soriano, which would provide a huge lift.

History also says it’s time for Ryne Sandberg to get really hot.  So look out Darwin Barney!

29. Padres (27): Loss of lefty Cory Luebke creates a chance for Jeff Suppan to get back to big leagues.

Sweet Jesus.  Suppan is back?  I thought he was dead.  And judging by the velocity on his pitches, he just might be.

30. Twins (28): Ranked in the bottom three teams in AL in OPS from catcher, first base, second base, third base and right field, with Michael Cuddyer’s old spot in right the biggest void. Six players have started there, combining for a .156 average.

If Jock Jones is still on the phone, maybe have him head on back out to right field in Minnesota.  I’m sure he could put up a .210 obp or something.

Emasculating haircut?  Check.
Emasculating dog?  Check.
Comfy pants? Check.
Orange running shoes that Steve Prefontaine likely tested in 1973?  Check.
Pink bag filled with rolled up dog shit retrieval bags?  Check.
Bemused look?  Check.
Giving the old fuck you to the paparazzo?  Check.

Jay Cutler’s one of my favorite Chicago athletes of all time, and this picture does nothing to detract from that.   Little dogs are yippy and jumpy, and actually all kinds of awesome. I never had a small dog until I got married, and I take the damn things for walks all the time, because they’re awesome.  If I were famous and banging (and impregnating) pretty (but washed up) reality TV stars, I’d walk their tiny dogs, too, and I’m sure some TMZ douchebag with a hipstamatic would get a shot of me and the dog, and you know what?  I’d flip him off, too.

Good for you, Jay Cutler.  Keep on walking, my brother, little dogs are people, too.

Well they’re not people, but you know what I mean.

In the meantime, also enjoy throwing passes to adult sized receivers.

This week, Phil has a shocking number of one sentence (i.e. mailed in without any effort or thought) entries.  Apparently he caught some sort of sportswriting STD from Rick Telander.

Phil Rogers’ MLB power rankings

Rays make a jump; Tigers take a tumble

And that sound the Rays make when they jump?  That’s the sound of their best player shredding his hamstring.  Ouch, babe.  As for the Tigers, they are reeling, they’ve lost eight of their last ten and they’re a game out of first.  One game?  Jesus, the AL Central blows.

1. Rangers (1): The crazy talk of 1,000 runs seems to have gone away. Josh Hamilton’s back bears watching but isn’t considered a DL situation.

Phil’s right, gang.  Stop the crazy talk about the Rangers scoring 1,000 runs.  Get back to watching Josh Hamilton’s back.  Keep an eye on it.  The Rangers are so concerned about it they’re hiring the third Narron brother, Zeppo, just to gaze at Josh’s lumbar region.  Good work if you can get it.

2. Dodgers (3): The atmosphere at Chavez Ravine for Bryce Harper’s debut was positively October. The baseball was even better.

The Dodgers are the new number two team on Phil’s illustrious rankings, and to celebrate, let’s talk about how exciting it was to see one of the Washington Nationals play!

3. Rays (6): Fernando Rodney is on his way to extending the Rays’ streak of different save leaders to eight seasons. His predecessors: Danys Baez, Tyler Walker, Alberto Reyes, Troy Percival, J.P. Howell, Rafael Soriano and Kyle Farnsworth.

What an exclusive group to be a part of!  Why, a couple of them are actually still in baseball.  (You see that list of stiffs that a good team has used in the ninth, and then you look at Carlos Marmol’s contract and well, you aren’t going to kill yourself, but for a moment, you really wanted to, didn’t you?)

4. Cardinals (4): No NL team pounds opponents like these guys, who are 5-0 in Kyle Lohse’s starts.

Cardinals fans enjoy nothing more than a good pounding.  Forget the rally squirrel.  You want to fire up Cardinals fans and spur a big rally, just throw a little Ned Beatty and some banjo music on the Jumbotron, and feel the excitement.

5. Yankees (5): Updating the Curtis Granderson tote board: 66 home runs in 240 games since the 2010 All-Star break (compared with 62 in 257 games for Matt Kemp).

Another edition of stats that work when you choose ambiguous time frames!  That’s not fair, everybody knows that the only important home runs in baseball history are ones that have been hit since the All-Star Break in 2010.  Before that?  Just crap.  Worthless.  Babe Ruth?  Hank Aaron?  Screw them!  Granderson has outhomered them 66-0 since the 2010 All-Star Break.  Hall of Famers?  My ass!

Granderson’s a nice player, but he’s in the perfect storm right now.  He went from a ballpark that killed his biggest asset (his ability to pull fastballs), to the new Yankee Stadium which was practically made for that kind of stroke, and he’s tucked into the second best lineup in baseball.  He’s hit 72 homers as a Yankee, 42 of them at home.  Including seven of his eight this year.  Put Matt Kemp in that launching pad and see what happens.

6. Braves (9): No sophomore slump for Craig Kimbrel, who has become baseball’s best closer.

Kimbrel is pretty awesome.  But I doubt it’s the sophomore slump that all nine Braves fans were worried about.  They’re probably petrified Fredi Gonzalez is going to pitch Craig’s arm off again this year, so that like last year he’s out of gas and ineffective in September.

7. Nationals (8): Bryce Harper hit the ground running. It’s hard to see him going back to Triple A. The next step for the lineup is to get Michael Morse healthy. In the meantime, Adam LaRoche has emerged as a presence.

Not only did he hit the ground running, he hit it doing that stupid Gary Matthews “knock my helmet off as I round first” bullshit.  Harper has so much raw talent it’s almost a joke, and he’s only 19 so of course he’s going to be an immature douchebag.  Mike Rizzo said the Nats called up him because after a month in AAA it was clear minor league pitchers wouldn’t actually pitch to him, and they felt he couldn’t develop at the plate any more down there.  Brett Jackson and Josh Vitters, I’m sure, feel the same way.  (Except it’s not true for them.)  Phil’s right, Bryce isn’t going back to AAA.  The kid, douchey as he might be, is pretty awesome.

8. Tigers (2): Brad Eldred hit 35 homers for Triple-A Charlotte without getting a promotion to the 2008 White Sox. It is not a sign of strength for Jim Leyland’s team that he was hitting fifth against CC Sabathia on Sunday. He had homered 13 times in 20 games for Toledo but is 31 and still trying to establish himself.

Bryan LaHair has like a million “Brad Eldred is so old…” jokes.  Far be it from me to defend the White Sox, but there’s a reason Eldred didn’t get promoted despite hitting 35 homers at AAA.  He sucked at everything else.  He hit .244 with a .305 on base average.

9. Blue Jays (7): Jose Bautista hasn’t been hitting. Good thing Edwin Encarnacion has been.

Bautista’s off to a lousy start, and Encarnacion has been really good.  The amazing thing–Encarnacion was actually kind of good last year, too.  He posted a 109 OPS plus.

10. Giants (14): Santiago Casilla is off to a good start as Brian Wilson’s replacement.

Casilla was the Giants’  best reliever last year, too.  This is the kind of thing a national baseball writer should be able to tell you before the guy ends up having to replace an injured closer.

11. Phillies (11): They hit as many homers last week (seven) as in the first 16 games. Good sign.

You know what’s a bad sign?  They lost two games to the Cubs that week.

12. Orioles (19):Wei-Yin Chen looks average but is off to a terrific start. He looks like an excellent signing by Dan Duquette.

Let’s not start sucking each other’s Chens just yet, Phildo.  He’s 2-0 with a 2.22 ERA in four starts, which is good, but he’s allowed 32 baserunners in 24 innings which is not “terrific.”  There’s a good chance that his second trip around the AL isn’t so kind.

13. Diamondbacks (12): Kevin Towers got lucky that no one signed Joe Saunders after Towers non-tendered him in December. Saunders is holding the rotation together.

Kevin Towers was a dope for non-tendering Saunders in the first place.  Joe Saunders isn’t going to make anybody forget Sandy Koufax, but he won 12 games for the D’backs last year, posted a 3.69 ERA and had more innings pitched than hits allowed.  He was lousy in his one playoff start against Milwaukee and it’s likely why Towers kicked him to the curb.  So don’t start him in the playoffs anymore.

14. Mets (17): Losing Mike Pelfrey hurts but won’t stop them from rolling into May.

The Mets are rollin!  Look out!  You can’t stop them, not even if you throw the corpse of Mike Pelfrey’s right arm in front of them!  They have won five of their last ten!  Damn, they are practically on fire!

15. Red Sox (22): Marlon Byrd, miracle worker.

Byrd has been terrific for the Red Sox.  Well, Phildo terrific.  He’s got 11 hits and a walk in his first 34 at bats, with one extra base hit (a double).  His replacement with the Cubs has 10 hits and 2 walks in his first 27 at bats (and seven stolen bases), and he’s terrible.  But you know what, maybe I’m being too hard on Phil here.  Maybe Phil means that Marlon has taught a deaf and blind person how to read and write!

16. Reds (16): The ball has been flying at Great American Ball Park. The Reds hit 10 home runs and scored 34 runs in taking four of six against the Giants and Astros to start a homestand that concludes against the Cubs.

Holy shit!  They hit ten homers in six games.  That’s almost two a game!  (That doesn’t seem like that many, does it?  Well, I mean it’s more than the Cubs have hit all year, but the Cubs are terrible.)

17. White Sox (13): Keys to a solid April: Deep starting pitching and the hitting of Paul Konerko (1.123 OPS), A.J. Pierzysnki (.895) and Adam Dunn (.881).

Phil loves the White Sox this year.  He goes on every week about how awesome they are.  They are one game over .500.  He also goes on about how awful the Tigers have been.  They have the exact same record.

18. Angels (10): The release of Bobby Abreu and promotion of Mike Trout smacked of desperation for a team mired in a funk. Mark Trumbo, who has no position to play, is the only significant hitter with an OPS above Chris Iannetta’s .759. Before April, Albert Pujols had never had a monthly OPS below .715 (June 2006).

Yes, indeed, it’s desperate to release a 38 year old, who you’ve been trying to trade for five months, but no one will take because he’s bad, and to call up your top prospect, who was hitting over .400 in the minors and gives you the best defensive outfield in the game.  What a shitstorm those moves were.

And, my favorite part is that he says “Before April, Albert Pujols had never had a monthly OPS below .715 (June 2006).”  What does this mean?  He said Albert has never had a monthly OPS below .715 until now, but then for some reason puts (June 2006) in the sentence.  Does that mean Albert had an OPS below .715 that month?  No, apparently it means that was the month he had the .715 OPS in.  Well, OK.  One bit of info is missing from Phil’s important stat nugget.  What was Albert’s OPS in April?  Was it .100, was it .714?  No, it was .570.  Yes, that’s terrible.  How about putting it into actual context?  How about “Pujols’ April OPS of .570 was  145 points lower than any other month in his 12 year career?”  Nah, that would have actually made an intelligible point.

19. Indians (20): They somehow went 6-5 during an 11-game stretch without a home run.

Holy shit!  How did they do that?  How did they win one more game than they lost while not hitting a single home run?  It’s almost like there are other ways to score?  Are there?  There can’t be.  Remember a few years back when Steve Stone was pissing and moaning about how the Cubs could only score when they hit homers?  So if hitting homers is bad and not hitting homers is also bad, just what the fuck is good?

20. Marlins (15): Ozzie Guillen was counting on Josh Johnson to be his ace, and he’s getting hit around. His 5.34 ERA isn’t the result of bad luck.

What’s more wrong?  Counting on a guy who missed 23 turns around the rotation last season due to an arm injury, or signing Mark Buehrle for $58 million over four years and still needing to rely on the guy with the bad arm to be your ace?

21. Rockies (18): The last thing a shaky rotation needed was for opening-day starter Jeremy Guthrie to hurt himself in a bicycle accident. He missed Saturday’s start and is expected to miss at least one more.

So during the season is a bad time for a starting pitcher to fall off his bike and hurt himself?   Insight, Phildo has it.

22. Brewers (21): No NL rotation has a higher ERA (5.25) than the one built around Zack Greinke, Yovani Gallardo, Shaun Marcum and Randy Wolf.

Nobody builds a rotation around Randy Wolf.  His ERA’s nearly seven, because he sucks.  Greinke and Marcum have been fine, not great, but both have ERA’s under four.  Gallardo’s been crap, at over six.  So why does Phil drag Greinke and Marcum into his one line lack-o-coherence?  If you question why Phil does things, your brain will explode.

23. Mariners (24): They swept the Tigers in Detroit, scoring 21 runs in three games.

You know what would have been a more interesting stat for the Mariners?  How about, since averaging over seven runs per game in a four game win streak in Detroit and Toronto the Mariners have scored five runs total in their next four games, all losses.

Or, how about, “Mariners pitcher Charlie Furbush’s sister Lucy has a fucking hilarious name,”?

24. Athletics (23): If he can find his stroke, Brandon Inge could be an upgrade at third base, which has been a revolving door for the A’s since Eric Chavez.

Inge, is a career .234 hitter, who hit .197 last year for the Tigers, and was released for hitting . 100 this year for them, and is now hitting .125 for the A’s.  He shouldn’t be looking for his stroke, he should be looking for the stroke of someone who isn’t such a shitty hitter.

25. Pirates (25): Lowest-scoring team in the majors, by a wide margin.

How bad is Pissburgh’s offense?  They are averaging 2.8 runs per game.  TWO POINT EIGHT!  That’s awful.  Just embarrassing really.  Oh, and they have two more wins than the Cubs, who score almost a full run more per game.  Damn, the Cubs suck.

26. Royals (26): Twelve-game losing streaks have a way of ruining seasons.

The Royals didn’t go down this week in the rankings, mostly because they went 3-3, and broke their 12 game losing streak the day after Phil did his rankings LAST week. So, of course that’s why he mentioned it this week.  And next week, after they’ve won a home game, Phil will finally realize they lost their first 10 home games…all in a row.

27. Padres (27): Chase Headley and Chris Denorfia have been the only productive hitters. Yonder Alonso and the newly rich Cameron Maybin (five years, $25 million) were major disappointments in April. Carlos Quentin, recovering from knee surgery, is getting close to beginning a rehab assignment.

Here’s how bad the Padres are, their third and fourth most productive hitters this year?  Mark Kotsay and Jeremy Hermida.  After that, Alan Wiggins, who died of AIDS in 1991.

28. Twins (28): Despite Target Field being a pitchers’ park, the rotation had a 6.87 ERA through 21 games.

The Twins don’t need to be at home to give up runs.  They’ve allowed 68 runs at home, and 60 on the road.  They’re equal opportunity shitty.  Carl Pavano’s the only starter with an ERA under five.  The other studs?  Francisco Liriano (9.97), Nick Blackburn (6.64), Jason Marquis (6.23) and the immortal Liam Hendriks (6.89).  And if they do have a lead at the end of a game?  Their closer, Matt Capps has a 5.63 ERA.  They’ve gone from scrappy to crappy with a bullet.

29. Cubs (30): Tony Campana has provided a spark. This is his window to make a lasting impression on the front office.

Tony Campana can do one thing.  He can run really, really fast.  That’s all.  He doesn’t walk (10 in 186 career big league plate appearances), he only has four extra base hits ever (three doubles and an inside the park homer that Yonder Alfonso is still kicking around the left field corner) and he can’t throw.  He’s playing center right now because the alternative is either to play the 57 year old Reed Johnson, the 43 year old Joe Mather or to just let the ball roll to the wall every time.  He’s off to a nice start to the season, and it is fun to watch him run, but the more he plays the quicker he’ll regress to his true level (he posted a horrific OPS plus of 67 last year) and the quicker he’ll be living in the Des Moines Days Inn again.  There’s your lasting impression.

30. Astros (29): They’ve dropped their last six series.

Two more wins than the Cubs.

Two.

And so, here’s the start of a short series titled: Terrible Cubs of a Recent Vintage, a (fake) oral history of some of the shittiest Cubs teams in recent memory.

No list of such teams would be complete without the infamous 1997 Cubs.  The team that started the season winless in their first 14 games.  Really, there’s nothing better than being mathematically eliminated before Tax Day.

JIM RIGGLEMAN, Manager

On paper coming out of Spring Training we looked pretty good.  We had an infield of Mark Grace, Ryne Sandberg and Shawon Dunston, and our top prospect, Kevin Orie had won the third base job in the spring.  Scotty Servais was our tough as nails catcher, and our outfield was Sammy Sosa, Brian McRae and hot shot rookie Doug Glanville.

DOUG GLANVILLE, OF

I’d played 49 games in 1996 for Riggleman.  I don’t think he noticed.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

No, that wasn’t Glanville, that was Scott Bullett.

DOUG GLANVILLE

I’m pretty sure it was me…because it was me.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

Our pitching.  Yeah, I was worried about that a little bit.  Phil Regan was our pitching coach, and he wasn’t too confident in our rotation of Steve Trachsel, Terry Mulholland, Kevin Foster, Frank Castillo and Geremi Gonzalez.  But our bullpen was pretty strong with Mel Rojas…

PHIL REGAN, Pitching Coach

We’d signed Kevin Tapani in the offseason and he got hurt and couldn’t pitch until the end of July.  Mulholland was our best pitcher.  Think about that.  Terry Mulholland was our best pitcher.  There isn’t enough Scotch in the world to make that seem like a good idea.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

We drew a tough schedule early.  The Marlins had picked up a lot of great players like Gary Sheffield, Bobby Bonilla and Kevin Brown.   .  The Braves had just won the World Series two years before and gone back the year before.  We had five games with each of them the first two weeks.  I thought maybe we could split those first ten games and be in good shape.

MARK GRACE, 1B

We were fucking horrible.  Orie didn’t hit the ball out of the infield all spring.  We signed Mel Fucking Rojas to replace Randy Myers as our closer.  Mel Rojas.  He looked like Admiral Akbar from the Star Wars movies.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

And, we turned Dave Kaplan into a homeless guy.

DAVE KAPLAN, WGN Radio**

When the Cubs were 0-6 I talked to some guys at the station about what we were doing with the WGN Fan Van.  One of my buddies’ dad’s worked with McDonald’s and they let us park the van at the McDonald’s across the street from Wrigley.  I was going to stay there until the Cubs won.  I figured it was going to be a day or two.  Little did I know.

GREG MADDUX, SP Atlanta Braves

I didn’t think they were really all that bad.  I had a start against them in April (April 6, 1997) and they really made me work.  Took me and Mark Wohlers an hour and 47 minutes and 91 pitches to shut them out.

A couple of those guys almost took a walk.  (Maddux faced 27 batters and had two three ball counts, one to Brian McRae to lead off the game, one to Scott Servais in the fifth.)

SAMMY SOSA, OF

I thought that was really great, buddy.  We had lots of great players on it, you know.  I hit 50 homers that year and that was great, man.  We lost how many in a row?  I can’t say I ever noticed that, man.

MARK GRACE

The low point?  I can’t narrow it down to just one.  We got shut out by some guy on the Rockies named Roger Bailey.  He threw a five hitter and didn’t strike out anybody.  We started six guys that day hitting less than .200.  The guy with the highest average in the lineup for us?  Brooks Kieschnick.  So that was a golden day in Cubs history.  But there a lot more where that came from.

DAVE KAPLAN

When we lost that game to the Rockies, I knew it was going to be a while.  One morning at like 8:30 somebody is banging on the door of the van.  I figured it was security.  We had to have a security guard hang around at night because drunk guys would try to tip the van over.  But it was Jim Riggleman.  He stopped by to visit.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

I wanted to give Kap a little pep talk.  And a warning.

DAVE KAPLAN

He apologized and said, “We’re not really very good.  You might be here for a while.”  That didn’t bode well.

I had another buddy who lived in one of the buildings with a rooftop, and I could go over there during the day and take a shower.  There wasn’t much to do.  I’d jog around the outside of the park, eat and shower.  Fun times.

ED LYNCH, General Manager

People don’t remember this, but in the offseason before 1996, Craig Biggio was a free agent and wanted to sign with us.  We had talked to his agent and it was going to get done.  And then Ryne Sandberg decided he wanted to make a comeback and it all went to hell.  Biggio got 1955 hits over the next 11 years.  Sandberg got 254.

RYNE SANDBERG, 2B

I had retired in 1994 and then there was the strike.  The 1995 team was in the playoff race at the end of the season and I realized how much I missed it.  The Cubs didn’t have to let me come back.  But I’m sure glad they did.

ED LYNCH

What the fuck were we supposed to do?  Our idiot fans loved the guy, even though he’d quit on them two years before.  If Ernie Banks had asked to come back, we’d have had a 70 year shortstop.  Shit, the way Dunston played that year, it might have been an improvement.

RYNE SANDBERG

I don’t really want to get into why I retired the first time.  It was a combination of physical and personal stuff.

RAFAEL PALMEIRO and DAVE MARTINEZ, Former Cubs

No comment.  (Both laugh hysterically.)

YOSH KAWANO, Clubhouse Attendant

They were shitty.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

Won our first game in the second half of a doubleheader at Shea against the Mets.  It felt like we won the World Series.

BOBBY VALENTINE, Mets Manager

What would Riggleman know about winning a World Series?  This year, I just had a team blow a 9-0 lead against the Yankees by giving up 14 runs in two innings, and losing to the Cubs in that game in April 1997 is still the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.  You know, though, after the game, I went back to the diner my family owned in Jersey, and we didn’t have much food left, but I took what we had and I’m pretty sure that I invented the Hot Pocket.

JIM GAFFIGAN, Comedian

I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been like, I’m glad I ate that.  I’m always like, I’m gonna die!  I paid for that?  Did I eat it, or rub it on my face?  My back hurts!  Oww!

DAVE KAPLAN

When they lost the first game of the doubleheader, a crowd started forming around the van.  Fans were taunting me.  They had an off day the next day.  I had a lot riding on that second game.  Thank God they won.  I was free.

SAMMY SOSA

I remember that game, man!  I hit a home run, right?  No?  Oh, then I don’t remember it, buddy.  Maybe I stole some bases?  No?

TURK WENDELL, RP

Do I remember that day?  Of course I do.  That morning I killed a deer on the Long Island Expressway.  Actually it might not have been a deer.  It might have been a homeless guy.  Regardless, I shot it, dressed it, and ate the heart in the bullpen while Rojas was fucking things up in the eighth.  I came in for the ninth, jumped over some foul lines, brushed some teeth, plowed down a few pathetic Mets hitters and dominated!  Can you hold?  Ted Nugent is calling on the other line.

MEL ROJAS, RP

I loved my time with the Cubs.  I loved when I signed that big contract for $14 million dollars.  Then I loved when they traded me to the Mets eight months later.

RAMON TATIS, RP

That year Riggleman pulled me out of a game against the Cardinals for hitting Gary Gaetti on purpose.  He said “We don’t do that here.”  The other thing they didn’t do there was win.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

I remember that.  Ray Lankford hit a three run homer off of Tatis.  Gaetti was up next and Ramon tried to hit him with the first pitch and missed and then got him with the second one.  So I took him out.  I got a lot of crap for that from the fans and the talk show hosts.  But you can’t go around hitting guys on other teams every time you give up a homer.

PHIL REGAN

We gave up 135 homers that year, second most in the league.  We’d have led the league in suspensions.  But taking Tatis out because of it sent two messages. Both of them bad.

MARK GRACE

Yeah, it sent a message.  That we were pussies.  You know how you prove you’re not a pussy?  You beat Frank DiPino up.

FRANK DiPINO, Former Cubs and Cardinals RP

What’s this about?  1997?  I was retired by then.  Grace?  Oh, shit.  Yeah he “beat me up” alright.  That was 1989 at Busch.  I’d been a Cub the two years before and little hotshit Grace was running around town like he was John Travolta.  We got into it that year when I was with the Cardinals.  He “beat me up” so bad he separated his shoulder.  I went 9-0 that year.

You know what?  Tell, Grace how much I love Ray Liotta movies.

Prick.

SAMMY SOSA

So what, buddy?  You hit the guy after the guy hits the homer?  Makes no difference to me.  I’m the one hitting the homers, you know, buddy?  I remember that game.  I hit a homer in it, right?  No?  Then I don’t remember it.  You sure I didn’t hit a couple that day?  I hit 50 that year, buddy.

ED HARTIG, Noted Baseball Historian

Sammy didn’t hit 50 homers that year.  He hit 36.  He drove in 119 runs, but his strikeout to walk was 174/45, and his on base average was only .300.  It’s pretty hard to hit that many homers and drive in that many runs and be considered a below average player, but his OPS+ was only 99, because he just never got on base.  He ranked 19th in MVP voting, and nobody knows why.

BRIAN MCRAE, OF

Cubs fans suck.

ANDY MACPHAIL, Team President

We had an unfortunate incident that year when fans were booing our team, and Brian McRae said that Cubs fans didn’t understand baseball and that they just want to go to games and get drunk and boo.  He was struggling and the team was struggling, and we tried to make some moves before the trade deadline, but nothing quite worked out.  After the trade deadline we made a fairly big deal with the Mets.

BOBBY VALENTINE

We traded some of our expensive shit for their expensive shit.   Our expensive shit finished with 20 more wins than theirs.

LANCE JOHNSON, OF, Mets and Cubs

It was me, Mark Clark and Manny Alexander to the Cubs for Brian McRae, Mel Rojas and Turk Wendell.  I was glad to be back in Chicago.  Manny had no clue where he was, and Mark was just happy the Cubs had a big enough hat for him.  His head’s huge.

BRIAN MCRAE

Mets fans kind of suck, too.

MARK GRACE

I played with a lot of dumb guys, but Manny Alexander was the dumbest.  By far.

MANNY ALEXANDER, INF, Mets and Cubs

Manny like Cubs.  Manny like Sammy.

SAMMY SOSA

Manny was a good dude, buddy.  When we’d hang out in the lobby of the hotel, he’s a guy you could trust with a towel filled with $20,00o in it, man.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

I liked our team after the trade.  We finished strong and I think that was part of our momentum going into 1998 when we won the Wild Card.

ED HARTIG

They went 13-12 in September, only their second winning month.  Their biggest problem was they only went 26-55 on the road.   They actually played over .500 at home (42-39).

SHAWON DUNSTON

They traded me to the fucking Pirates!  The Pirates!  Not the Barry Bonds, Bobby Bo Pirates.  They traded me to the Al Martin-Jermaine Allensworth Pirates!  The Pirates?  And they didn’t get anything back!  I got traded for nobody.

ED LYNCH

We traded Shawon to the Pirates on what’s called a “conditional deal.”  Our compensation was dependent on how well Shawon played for them.

SHAWON DUNSTON

I hit .394 for the Pirates with five homers and 16 RBI in 18 games, and the Cubs didn’t get anything for me?  What’d I do, play too good?

ED LYNCH

He played too well, so we didn’t get anybody.

ED HARTIG

Shawon’s on base average was actually lower (.389) than his batting average (.394) with the Pirates.  Maybe that’s why the Cubs didn’t get anything for him?

CAM BONIFAY, Pirates GM

Ed Lynch gave him to us.  The only “condition” was that we didn’t give him back.

TERRY MULHOLLAND, P Cubs and Giants

Ed Lynch put me on waivers in August, and the Giants put a claim in on me and he just let them have me.  It was pretty cool, actually, because the Giants were my old team, and they were still in the pennant race.  And then that offseason I signed back with the Cubs.  I kind of got traded for myself.

SHAWON DUNSTON

It’s more than I got traded for.  The Pirates?!?  The next year I went to the Indians, which was awesome because they played in the World Series the year before.  But in July I got traded back to the Giants with Jose Mesa because he threatened to kill Omar Vizquel.  I’m not even kidding about that.

KENT BOTTENFIELD, RP

I pitched for the Cubs in 1996 and 1997 and turned my career around in the bullpen there.  I thought I was coming back in 1998 but they didn’t try to re-sign me, so I went to St. Louis.  Which was kind of ironic because a couple years later the Cubs and Cardinals were both trying to trade for Jim Edmonds from the Angels, and the Angels picked St. Louis’ offer over the Cubs’ because they wanted me.

ANDY MACPHAIL

Don’t remind me.

FRANK CASTILLO, SP

1997 wasn’t all bad.  I won a car.

MARK GRACE

Castillo was the worst hitter ever.  I mean, worse than Kevin Orie, even.  You watched him take batting practice and if a ball made it to the outfield on a fly it was an accomplishment for Frank.  So Brian McRae made him a bet.  If he ever hit a home run in batting practice he’d buy Frank a Mercedes.

BRIAN MCRAE

I sad a “car” not a Mercedes.

FRANK CASTILLO

He said a Mercedes.  And sure enough, one windy day at Wrigley, I got one.

BRIAN MCRAE

Frank Castillo sucks.

FRANK CASTILLO

I won 12 games on a team that started 0-14 and only won 68 games for the season.  That’s pretty good.  So I didn’t suck.

BRIAN MCRAE

He led the league in losses in 1996.  So I stand by it.  He sucks.  And I hope his car explodes.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

The guy I had a lot of hopes for in 1997 was Jeremi Gonzalez.  He had a live arm with electric stuff.  He really came on like a bolt out of the blue for us that year.  He won 11 games, and got off to a nice start in 1998, too.  Then he blew out his arm.  Sad story.

GEREMI GONZALEZ

That was when I spelled my name with a J instead of a G.  And before I got struck by lightning on a beach in Venezuela.  I’m dead now.

JIM RIGGLEMAN

Yeah, 1997 was a tough year.  But we learned a lot about our guys and our team, and it really took us to the heights we got to in 1998 when we won that Wild Card Championship.  It was really gratifying to use a tough year as a springboard to a championship season, and that championship that we won that year is something I’m extremely proud of.  In my book, that championship in 1998 wouldn’t have been possible without the guys from 1997.  True champions, all of them.

1998 NEW YORK YANKEES

What kind of fucking “championship” is Riggleman talking about?  They finished in second place and backed into a one game playoff and then got swept by the Braves, and the Braves didn’t even make it past the next round?

** – I actually interviewed Dave Kaplan for this.  Actually, I e-mailed him to ask him about his van hostage crisis and he loves telling the story so much he called me back.  I should try that with Dave Martinez sometime…