Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Mark Prior, 8-4, 3.90 ERA
Rockies: Byung-Hyun Kim, 3-9, 5.33 ERA
Lineups:
Cubs
Matt Lawton, lf
Disgusted Bat Flip, 2b
MVLee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Jer-o-4-my, rf
Neifi!?!, ss
Corey Patterson, cf
Hank White, c
Mark Prior, p
Rockies
Luis “The one without the ‘roids or the Tommy John Disease” Gonzalez, 2b
Jorge “I failed a steroid test this year” Piedra, lf
Matt Holliday, lf
Todd “Wayne Hagin and Don Baylor say I did steroids” Helton, 1b
Garrett Atkins, 3b
Larry Bigbie, cf
Danny Ardoin, c
Omar Quintanilla, ss
Byung-Hyun “I enjoy long naps in the bullpen” Kim, p
Who the hell are Danny Ardoin and Omar Quintanilla?
I’m batting sixth? No shit?
Most men often dream of laying me.
My coaching ability closely resembles the pipe most men lay…
laying pipe is me.
I’m told many gay men dream of smoking me.
Harry’s worst nightmare.
See how much we’ve been missed?
I feel like I’m haveing lunch with Sartre, Plato and Dick Cavett.
hmm, well, ok, everything seems to be ok around here…
Is Danny my son?
I got sent down so that the Cubs could have two utlity players, Jose Macias and Jerry Hairston. How many goddamned baseball teams feel the need to have two of these jackasses? Especially one who has Tommy John Disease now?
Remember when I had Todd Walker, Todd Helton and Larry Walker? Nobody knew who I was talking to at any given moment. So everybody ignored me. It sucked.
I thought a Hoegaarden was a place you buried dead prostitutes!
He was a wise man who invented beer.
(it’s true, I really said that)
Hello everybody! Haray Caray here with an update. I’m still dead!
I’ve got to tell you that I am a big fan of Matt Murton. He’s got movie star good looks (Ron Howard’s a movie star, right?) and wears that big 19 on his back…
The reason I’m here is because the Cubs want to showcase me for a waiver trade to the Rockies involving Preston Wilson. Oh… wait.
Why am I on MLB.TV?
do any of you guys think I’m hot?
Hi grampa!
I am delicious in pinstripes!
So, lemme see if I get this:
Korey goes to Iowa because he’s not as good as Little Jerry.
Little Jerry hurts his arm. The Cubs bring back Korey because they have no choice.
Little Jerry is back, but Korey keeps his job. But Matt Murton of the .339 BA goes away.
Jim Hendry needs to be shot.
Bung Hole Kim.
Is that racist?
First of all, Thanks Andy for this forum.
Second, without the comments to the Dose or game threads, the site becomes a one
stop visit per day (like going to read what Mariotti or the sports guy had to say for the
day). The comments make you come back to Desipio multiple times a day. You can go
work for a while and return to see new stuff in the comments, which sometimes stink
but other are pretty darn funny.
If it’s because of spammers, you can close the comments on every thread at 5 or 6 or
7 or whatever hour you want….it’s your site, but leaving them out means fewer hits for
Desipio, last couple of days I think you already found that out.
And if people don’t like comments, the 6 or 7 of them can go to the message board and post there, why would they even bother complaining about “comments” when they are supposed to be “talking” among themselves in the message board?
Enough rant, your daily dose is more than enough to keep people comming back, but, I’ll say it again, the ability to post comments to them is what separates Desipio from other well known places, and not having them can make Desipio a one stop per day visit instead of a multiple visit per person per day site.
Apparently, Pat thinks my name is “Louie”. When was the last time the name “Luis” used in front of “Gonzalez” was pronounced the same way as the name of one of Scrooge McDuck’s nephews?
Yeah, thanks for the editorial, #23. We’re all enraptured by your theories.
Now eat my dead ass.
I walked!
Lauton swings 1-0
Walker walks.
Lee swings at first pitch.
Nice to see they’re all on the same page today.
They serving Coors Light in the clubhouse before games now?
Another walk.
So, if I’m following this right, Beer Nutz will pop out on the first pitch.
The Cubs need to score early, before the visibility becomes a factor.
B K Kim is a cheap imitation of me.
Hey, I remember this place! I liked it here!
So far some people like the closed comments some don’t. We’ll see. I can always change it.
By the way, bad news for people who value quality writing and good humor. I had to decide by yesterday whether or not to renew our Web hosting account for another year.
I did.
12 more months of suckitude. Hah!
Yay! I can hit again!
FU Mike D. Yeah, I swung at the first pitch following the inning’s second walk. But it wasn’t a pop out. It was hit too weakly to be a pop-out. Big difference–it was a flair. Cubs up 1-0.
There’s your run “franchise.” Go get ’em. And try not to catch any liners with your elbow.
So. let me see. 6 batters, 2 walks, and a run.
15 pitches? That doesn’t even seem possible.
For staying.
Nah, he f#$%ed up his back this time. He’ll do anything to avoid having sex with me. What’s a girl got to do, score a goal and take off her shirt.
Oh, yeah, I forgot you did that.
Hey, you wanna make out again sometime?
“By the way, bad news for people who value quality writing and good humor. ”
The bad news is, if you live in Chicago, that you can hardly pick up a newspaper without being disappointed.
Congrats Andy.
Andy:
So long as Blogger is free and my fingers work, you’ll always be a better writer than someone.
Where’m I going to go? I’ve proven to be unemployable at this.
And I would think anybody who makes Where and am a contraction deserves it.
So, which am I going to do more of today: walk batters or give up home runs? I sure like both of them lately (9 HRs and 12 BBs in last 5 games)!
I’m not allowed to show my face today.
As long as Chuck’s fingers work, I’ll be happy.
Woowie, stop swinging at awww doze bawwws! Doze bawws was obuh your head!
K!
It’s not just that Prior is giving up homers, it’s who he’s giving them up to.
Mike Mahoney
Edwin Encarnacion
Jason LaRue?
Guh.
“we got an e-mail here asking why Murton was sent down…well, un lemme see here, um…well he’s not a pitcher, I guess,…um, we’re in Colorado, so that means, um…ah forget it, I got nothing. Dusty is a moran.”
You’ve created more than any of the hacks that have the jobs you desire could dream of.
It may not pay well, or give you the recognition you’d like, but you’d also lose a little of your soul if you got picked up.
In the meantime, you should look into getting your own satelitte radio show.
Desipio Radio. You’d have listeners.
Keep thinking outside the box, Dolan, and you’ll get the best of both worlds– bullshitting about sports for a living, and yet doing on your own terms.
I took nearly as many pitches as all the cubs in the top of the first.
Holliday, celebrate!
Fall off your horse!
Big Z is me now.
That’s only because of the need for sign language.
Re: #52
Good times.
Thanks.
cha ching!
that’s 2.
Walk Piedra? Scared Mark? It’s not like he’s on roids or something.
Is it me, or do I look really thin?
Mark Prior is on pace for me.
Back when he was on the steroids, Helton could hit those knee buckling sliders.
cha ching!
Number three!
I’m pretty much unemployable at it to. Been fired from a sports editor’s job by men to stupid to realize they were firing the only decent writer they had. Been turned down for countless other positions only to take a job in P.R. and then suddenly get calls from the people who had rejecting me, asking if I’d like to come and work double my hours for half the pay. It’s funny how they find you after they told you to get lost. But that’s life and it’s why I love coming here and reading this site. It’s real. It’s creative, it doesn’t hold back.
Andy, you’ll someday be famous for doing what you do. I think all of us here know it too. But the rest of the world will catch on sooner or later.
“Why do the bastards always learn so late, and so long after the crucial eviction-or-eles rent was due?” ~ Hunter S. Thompson
Hey Helton! Shut up and get me some water!
Abraham Nunez
Todd Pratt
Prior is also on pace for me
Did I just see a Heineken commercial with Wang Zhi-Zhi, Yao Ming and Eddy Curry?
I love watching Corey run. I just wish he had reason to do it more often.
I almost saw my first in the park bunt home run.
Darn.
Coors Field cannot contain my power!
ESPN says I could have made that an in-the-park HR.
I’ll get you next time, BK Kim!
Apex claims he was “the only decent writer” at a certain place, even though it’s doubtful he was.
Andy would never be caught uttering such a conceited statement, and yet he probably is the best writer in any room he’s in.
No single for that. Shit.
Um, yeah, so, I looked, um, not good.
If I was a real manager, I’d squeeze here. Instead, I’ll just have another toothpick.
Good point. That was a stupid thing to say.
Come on Prior, just knock it out here. You know I would.
We are way to hard fot the cubs.
Thanks, Mom! (#72)
Could not be more right.
Christ almighty.
Okay,
The 2 times that Dust Fart has called for the squeeze, the Cubs miss the sign, which he means he won’t call one for the rest of the year.
What’s sad is, if the squeeze was a little more common around there, perhaps everybody would know what the fucking sign was.
WATCH ME!!!
Slid too soon?
What else can this piece of shit do wrong?
I’d like to congratulate Corey Patterson on the worst slide I’ve ever seen. The catcher left the whole back of the plate open and Corey slid into his foot. Brilliant.
Worst ever?
Do we think maybe Dusty doesn’t know the squeeze sign? So he gives what he thinks it is, and it isn’t?
Corey spent too much time watching his old VHS tape of me while in Iowa. Sliding short of home plate? Geez.
The most fundamentally unsound player in all of baseball.
The only slide I’ve seen that was worse (which was similar) was the one where Willie Mays Hayes didn’t get to second base on a steal attempt.
“Suicide Squeeze! Oh, I thought you said suicide slide.”
Well Chuck, look who he plays for.
Hey, Chuck. Watch your mouth.
Don’t want me to listen to this game on the internet
Brought to you by the Chicago Cubs.
Sammy, you were better than Korey.
Korey needs to watch my tapes on fundamental baseball.
Well, I didn’t want to hurt the catcher or anything, we alls gots families to feed?
If you can’t score me at Coors, you stink.
That’s why we are in 3rd place in the central. Plain and simple.
Mine too, plus I like food.
You’ve never lived until you’ve been axed from a newspaper.
Here’s a true story that no one will care about.
One year I played baseball with former Notre Dame basketball player Ryan Hoover (yes, I know you’re happy for me). Hoover was up with a runner on and I was on deck. Our manager gave him the bunt sign. Hoover bunted, beat it out and I came up with runners at first and second. He gave me the bunt sign. I was pissed, but I bunted anyway, and beat it out to load the bases. The next guy doubled and all three of us scored. In the dugout our manager asked us why we bunted. We said, “You gave us the sign.”
Turns out he got the hit and run sign confused with the bunt sign. I think he might have actually been smarter than Dusty.
Only we consistently put runners in scoring position with nobody out and fail to score! That should like, be good for an award right?
Hey cubbiekidd22, you’re not in third place.
Cubbiekidd22:
“They” are in FOURTH place.
we don’t care
We are FOURTH in the NL central.
Oh yeah, stories.
Tony Rice was once bangin my white cousin.
The T-ball manager used signs?
That’s actually a funny story, Apex.
Remember that one time when everyone was all like “Greatest pitcher evar” when they spoke about me? What happened? Am I still belle o the ball and stuff?
We don’t have any slots open for Andy. We have to find enough time for Phil Wood to do 14 hours of mind-bogglingly boring radio every day.
Oops.
ANDY wrote #103? Honest to God I thought it was Apex. Seriously.
No wonder I sounded surprised.
4
It wasn’t t-ball, Chuck. It was the bronze medal game at the Special Olympics!
112:
He was until I taught him how to throw 100 pitches in 5 innings.
That’s all this world needs.
Instead of sitting at their desk at work in front of a computer, Desipiots will be found sitting in their cars on their driveway.
We could do a movie where we have famous people tell a dirty joke that ends, “Because the pitching machine at the Special Olympics threw another perfect game.”
Or, perhaps we shouldn’t.
In their garage, more likely
I have a feeling Desipiots would be found dead listening to the radio in their cars with the door closed.
Just jump on the bandwagon, Andy. You know you want to do me.
Oh no! We suck again!
I am the best pitcher that any of you have ever seen dammit, now, how’s my pitch count look?
Makes my point even better.
As if our wives/girlfriends/concubines don’t think we’re weird enough for being in the Cult of Desipio, yeah, Carbon Monoxide poisoning while listening in the garage would take the cake.
Yeah, Mike, I actually knew you meant, 103, not me. I’m gonna go fuck off now.
OMG Andy I love you more, bang my sister
122.. I think Andy sort of did that last year, with an audio gamecast of the Carlos teaches Lassie a lesson or two even though the Cubs got killed game.
Podcast. Might as well buy a ham radio.
don’t make me bitch slap you mang
Do you like unnecessary, commas?
did someone mention me?
Yes, #132, I also like salads.
We did the audioblog updates of that game. It was…not good.
Not again, 128. Not again.
I am gonna try to walk the pitcher here, just so I can strikeout the side.
Did anybody hear Santo bellow “Hey! What’s going on?” when all that was happening was that the runner on second walked over to the third base coach during a timeout, as Pat calmly explained?
It was freaking hilarious.
Yeah, it’s like what they told me in Journalism School: I have a face for radio, a voice for silent pictures.
Good thing the season’s over, or this game would make me mad
I just bunted ball four.
I think I have a frush.
#140 is not only stupid, but he has me.
No more yanky my wanky! The Donger need food!
5! (on pace for 22.5)
He’s on pace for 10 at best (after throwing 100 pitches through 4 innings)
#144
Priceless.
I believe that can somehow be morphed into a joke about Kim’s 2001 World Series meltdown. Little help?
#143 doesn’t understand me
25 pitches an inning…that’s good right?
I think Kim is exhausted from not running the bases in the bottom of the second.
One more of those useless “walks”, and you’re going to see me.
RON COOMER OWNS BATTING CAGES
Was I serious about that John Tesh comment. Do I really like him? I was kidding right?
just plummeted for Len after endorsing John Tesh live at Red Rocks, (unlike Bob, I don’t think he was being sarcastic)
I own Dellek Ree! He 0-2.
I am real music!
Time to go home.
The urge to avoid looking like the world’s biggest loser outweighs the urge to hang out in my office on a Friday night, honing my sarcastic sensibilities.
I guess we’ll know by Monday if it’s time to bring on the Bears.
Len likes Tesh, bubble baths and playing strip Boggle.
I want more money!
Newsflash, I am not funny.
Pretty funny how I ripped him, and then there was just silence from Len. I work with a massive weiner.
John Tesh wrote me, and how many of you have that still stuck in your head from the 1996 NBA playoffs?
I was in Todd Walker’s wedding with Chad Hutchinson. And now I’m on the DL.
I have no point, just two facts.
Will likes hairy backs, the TV Guide crossword puzzle, and bases on balls.
If I was going to use an awful and totally not true ethnic sterotype, I’d say you were a bad driver.
(Guy with “Asian” card on his forehead.)
Damn. I’m a woman?
We are awful.
That play was me!
What just happened?
Did aramis swing on that pitch-out on purpose because he knew walker was running?
Bet you’ll never forget who I am now, will you Andy?
Guh.
I have a great name too.
I covered first base, does that make me Cubs defensive player of the year?
OH…….why didn’t I do that?
Um no, Mark. It doesn’t.
Screw you all. Boston appreciates what I have to offer. (meat ball fiestas)
Does anyone know if ESPN is going to release NFL 2K6? I am not a big fan of Madden games.
Why do I look sad all the time lately.
Because, nobody wants you, Jeromy.
Yay?
2 to go.
We have the only licensed NFL game for the next 5 years on any system.
Thanks for playing.
That’s great.
Fear me.
making the bastard work.
Apparently, I left all my “leadoff” skills in Pittsburgh.
Well, I just killed this Gamecast
well, it’s only 3:36 here.
And now I see why BHK is afraid of Todd Walker.
Arec Bardwin, huwwy and kill this Dewwick Ree for me!!
Take Us Home….Country Roads…..To the Place…..We Be-LOOOOOOONG
West Virginia….oops, we mean, Coors Field…..
Just add me to the list Mark. Did you like my pose?
I sure get shaken up easily
If I was peetching Mark, I’d dreel heem for you.
I like to refer to Mr. Pierdra as George Stone
Take that! I’m posing! We’re 31 games under .500!
we sweep in Colorado, go back to .500 and there’s a great chance we win the NL West…oh, wait..
This half of the 6th inning is bought to you by Weber grills. If a pitcher’s out of gas, we’ll start the fire for you. Ronnie, tell us about Mark Prior?
And that should be it for Mark
Good one #196.
Get ready boys, I’m here to put on a show. If we can’t be contenders, we can at least be entertaining.
I’m a pitcher now?
for Prior at 118 after 6
time to bring Wood for 2 innings
and then close it out with Dumpster
I don’t trust ANY of the other guys.
Go on D. Lee, quit clogging the basepaths!
Super Novoa!
If you blow this novoa I’m going to kick your ass.
I am needed
I am needed.
Not if I have something to say about that 206.
the Super, Novoa
Pitcher’s coming up, time for my patented double switch
I love the way the Cubs play down to the level of the competition. Or are they playing up to it?
I should be Duh!-man
my ERA is 9.20
just hit me
The Rockies catcher “Etoin Shrdlu?”
What the hell happened? Looked like a routine flyball to left in Gamecast. Was Patterson channeling the spirit of Moises Alou or what?
Baseball is hard.
Intrepid Reader: Corey
August 19th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
Baseball is hard.
So is your head
I wasn’t exactly a routine fly ball, it was a hard line drive to left field, and Corey was running on the pitch. But he should have looked up, plus he forgot to retag second on his way back to first. That’s just dumb.
Cue “wild thing” music.
This is fun
Kerry looks unhappy on my GameCast…wish i was watching this live…
2 strikeouts! I’m on pace for a 27 strikeout complete game!
oooh wait, I’m a set up man now…
only 20 pitches today, I’m ready to screw it up tomorrow
only 18 pitches today. I’ll be ready tomorrow for another inning of work.
Man, is Dusty finally getting it?
I’m ready to close the door, guys… but 1 or 6 more runs would be a lot better
I’ll tell you what dumb is. Not letting Corey just steal 2nd base.
Did Dusty just pinch hit me for my defensive prowess in the bottom of the 9th?
No, lesser. I just wanted to give you an at bat.
If I wanted defensive prowess I would’ve gone with Macias.
Please say I’m coming in to play left
please…please…please…give me some insurance..
NICE!….2 more would be better…
It sure would be nice to be able to pinch hit Murton somewhere.
Welcome Back Korey.
Korey struck out? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!!
by the way, Korey’s LOB = 7 ouch
corporal, you’re right, I should’ve hit instead of Korey.
then bottom of 9th, me LF, lesser CF.
I think I’ll tape this up in my locker for motivation.
I’m in Iowa now, and I still would have been able to come closer to those pitches than Corey did.
I’m not kidding….this is pure gold.
I’m going to make a poster out of it, thanks.
Cubs Win!
Cubs Win!
Cubs Win!
Funniest post I’ve seen in a while.
DAMN YOU CUBS!!!!
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m actually quite nice.
Jim Hendry is the dumbest son of a bitch around for keeping Korey Patterson up in the majors and sending down a guy like Matt Murton who is hitting over .300.
What kind of sign is that to your young guys? You can continously fuck up and not hit, run the basese like a stupid fucker, and management will still support you because you were at one time a high draft pick.
This move just sums up how fucking ignorant this organization is. Moves like this fuck up your whole organization. Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker need to fucking grow up and stop sucking dicks like Korey’s little pencil.
I’m so tired of this shit it is getting so fucking old. Do these fucking bastards even want to win? How can you want to win when you play your worst players.
Fuck them and wish them to hell. Somebody shot these pieces of shit and get it over with.
Baker and Hendry Basher
I’m just happy you’re happy
good morning y’all.
this one’s for my friends the White Sox:
” and I’m free…free falling…..yeah….and I’m free…free falling…
free falling, free falling now I’m free falling…”