It’s true that sometimes it seems like there are not enough hours in the day. You’ve got kids to feed, a house to clean, pets to scoop up after. Plus, there’s stuff on TV you have to watch. So, instead of starving the kids and living in filth, why not have Desipio help you plan your TV watching? We know what you like.

Or at least we know what you should like. Besides, the best part is that all you’ll need to pull this off is access to free over the air television, and HBO. OK, fine you need cable or a satellite dish.

Actually we tried to avoid conflicts, but some of these shows are on at the same time, so you’re going to need TiVo. We’d tell you to use your VCR, but for chrissakes, how do you not have TiVo already? By the time your lazy ass gets around to it, it’ll be a dead technology! Go to Best Buy and pick one up. We’ll wait.

I know you’re still here, but a couple people just left to go get their TiVos. Don’t you hate people who are sooooo literal about everything. As if “go to Best Buy and pick one up” meant right now. Besides, you can probably get one at Circuit City or Wal-Mart, even, for less. Did you ever notice that Best Buy thinks that throwing free stuff in with your purchase will make you forget you probably paid more for it than you would have at Wal-Mart? I got a movie last year, I don’t remember which one, so let’s say it was “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” (because I think it was, but one of you smartasses will correct me if it’s not, so we’ll throw in a qualifier) and I got free batteries. The free batteries were nice, but come on, just knock four bucks off the DVD and save me the time.

There is one benefit to buying DVDs at Best Buy, though. You don’t have to go to Wal-Mart. Look, Wal Mart sells DVD’s cheap. I picked up “Comedian” the Jerry Seinfeld documentary (which is worth it for the Colin Quinn, Seinfeld commentary alone) for like $5.99. But I was in Wal-Mart. It’s all tube tops and flip flops in Wal-Mart. And I’m talking about the men! Wow. Just awful. If I wanted to hang out with poor people, I’d be a Sox fan. (Buh dump bump!)

Are the morans who actually went to get the TiVos back yet?

Probably not. Anyway, Kelly Dwyer was telling me a funny story about the commentary on “Anchorman” and how the first part of it is basically just Will Ferrell and the director and co-writer Adam McKay trying to prove the DVD is unrated by coming up with the dirtiest curses they can think of. Kelly also mentioned that Lou Rawls is on the commentary. So I listened to it over the weekend. Oh, it’s a glorious trainwreck. If you get a chance, check it out. David Koechner’s (Champ Kind) appearance is especially noteworthy.

By the way, the next Will Ferrell-Adam McKay vehicle (pun intended) is filming right now. It was originally titled “Talladega Nights” but now the title is “High, Wide and Handsome”, and it stars Will and Ali G (Sasha Baron Cohen) better known as Isla Fisher’s boyfriend and/or husband (I’m too lazy to check) as NASCAR drivers. McKay is also going to helm (movie word, means direct) a Land of the Lost movie, too. That’s going to come out in 2007, or thereabouts.

Anyway, you don’t care. I’m babbling. Let’s get on with the TV preview, and if the people aren’t back from TiVo shopping yet, well screw them. They only need it on Sunday, anyway.

OK, there is a lot on, and lots of channels. Some of my favorite shows are on cable, like Rescue Me which is on FX and is over for the season, and of course Chappelle’s Show died when Dave went nuts. But we’ll just concern ourselves with the new Fall TV season for this exercise. OK? Sure.

We picked 15 shows and they constitute 11 hours of TV watching per week. That’s nothin’. Eleven hours? That’s like two Tony LaRussa managed games. You’ve spent more time in a holding cell than that.

Oh, and we’re giving you Friday and Saturday off (and most of Tuesday, it looks like).

Sundays
This is the busiest night of the week, and as it turns out the only time you’ll need TiVo to catch everything.

7 p.m. (Watch) — The West Wing, NBC
(TiVo) — The Simpsons, Fox

I was ready to write off The West Wing last year. I was tired of all the whining. Always whining. Josh was whining and Toby was whining and CJ was too tall and whiny, and Martin Sheen looked like he ought to get drunk and attack a mirror. Then they started phasing out the whiners and brought in Alan Alda and Jimmy Smits and I was genuinely interested. Plus, they had Gary Cole (better known as either Bill Lumberg or Cotton McKnight) back for another year. This year Alda runs for president against Smits. Even if it means we have to put up with Teri Polo hosing down a blanket and throwing it over every scene she’s in. Remember how ABC tried to make a sitcom out of Brooke Shields’ life during Suddenly Susan, where Teri pretends to be a big star and dates some high school teacher? You know what I wanted to do when I saw that show?

Google “David Strickland” and you’ll find out.

Anyway, even though NBC gave The West Wing a lousy time slot and no football lead in (next year it’ll have to move to accomodate NBC’s Sunday Night Football), let’s give it another shot.

The Simpsons isn’t what it used to be, but it’s still pretty damn funny and should not be missed. It’s been on for 18 years, and in two seasons will tie Bonanza for longest running TV show. I’d much rather watch any Simpsons re-run than two minutes of Bonanza.

8 p.m. (Watch) — Rome, HBO
(TiVo) –Family Guy, Fox and at 8:30 — American Dad, Fox

I was a little dubious of Rome when it first started out, but it’s a pretty good show. It doesn’t hurt that the guy who plays Titus Pullo is a likable dolt even after he had some weird skull surgery, or that his buddy Lucias Vorenus’ wife is super hot. It also doesn’t hurt that Cesar’s niece Atia gets naked every week. Of all the HBO dramas, this one looks the most like a one-hour movie every week (and it should, given how much it supposedly costs per episode).

Family Guy took a couple episodes to catch its stride when it came back this spring, but this Fall it’s picked right up where it left off. Years ago, legendary Desipio writer John M sang the praises of Family Guy and most of us ignored it.

As for American Dad, it’s surprisingly good, given that it’s just a Family Guy knockoff, and even most of the voices are recognizable from Family Guy. Last night’s episode in particular where Stan learns the joy of self love was quality. The best reason to TiVo the cartoons is that you can zip through all three of them in less than an hour when you skip the commercials.

9 p.m. (Watch) — Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO

Even though I get the urge to feed Cheryl Hines a carrot or sugar cube every time she smiles, this is a quality show. Very funny, outrageous and made up on the spot (mostly), there are fewer shows that can be as laugh out loud funny from week to week. The reason is that Larry David has never been afraid to allow people to laugh at him for being an ass. The two hour special that pretended to be a documentary following Larry on his comedy come-back that launched this show is a classic for all-time. The show hasn’t let us down.

9:30 (Watch) — Extras, HBO

There was some concern that when the original British version of “The Office” ended that Ricky Gervais would leave TV altogether. After all, how do you follow up the purposely short run of one of the funniest TV shows ever? He’s trying it with Extras, co-starring his “The Office” co-creator Steven Merchant (as his nameless agent) and Ashley Jacobs, who plays Maggie, Ricky’s “extra” buddy, as they land bit parts in major movies and annoy the stars and directors by trying to overplay their background roles. The show, like “Rome” is a joint venture between the BBC and HBO and has already started in Britian. It premieres here on Sunday night. Tonker’s been watching it and he likes it. So how can we argue?

Extras will end at ten our time and then you can see if the Sunday Night game on ESPN is close enough to be worth watching before you crash.

Mondays

7 p.m. (Watch) — Arrested Development, Fox

Arrested starts tonight and you have to watch. It’s true that if you haven’t watched the first two seasons it’ll take you a little while to catch up, but it’s worth it. This is, currently, the funniest show on TV. There’s funny on every level, too. There’s obvious humor, subtle humor and some humor that builds from little things in previous episodes. Since Desipio’s readers are all very intelligent (wow, that lie was so baldfaced it ought to be boldfaced) you’ll have no problem loving this show as much as I do. And people need to start watching since it almost got the axe after both of it’s first two seasons. Besides, how can you resist a half hour of Jason Bateman every week? It’s not like Silver Spoons is coming back.

At the end of last season, poor Oscar was sent to prison when George Sr. made it look like Oscar was him. Oscar’s not taking it well, and he’s writing about it in his prison weblog.

I was going to recommend Kitchen Confidential sight unseen (well, TiVo sent me short preview that was funny), but we’ll have to watch a couple to decide. It stars Bradley Banks, best known for playing Sack in “Wedding Crashers” and he was apparently a regular on Alias for a couple seasons. The show is on right after Arrested Development, so let’s watch the first two and then decide.

8 p.m. (Watch) — Prison Break, Fox

My brain tells me this show is bad, but every week I tune back in to see what’s going to happen. The star, Wentworth Miller who plays Michael Scofield is strangely intriguing, and the other characters are just interesting enough to keep your attention. The guy who plays his brother (Dominic Purcell) can not act at all. The “hot chick” is Robin Tunney and she’s not very hot. But the woman who plays inmate Sucre’s girlfriend (Camille Guaty) is surprisingly hot. Besides, Peter Stromare (who you remember as Slippery Pete from the “Frogger” episode of Seinfeld) plays a mob guy. How can you look away from this car wreck? You can’t. As a bonus, Chelcie Ross played a bishop in the pilot who gets killed for no apparent reason. Chelcie Ross? Harris from Major League? Now you’re talkin’.

Tuesdays

8 p.m. (Watch) — My Name is Earl, NBC

OK, just like with Kitchen Confidential, I haven’t seen an entire episode of My Name is Earl, but I did see a big hunk of the pilot and it’s excellent. One of my favorite actors ever, Jason Lee, plays Earl, a real scumbag (but a likable scumbag) who wins a decent chunk of change in the lottery and then gets hit by a car. He has an epiphany and decides to make a list of all the bad things he’s done (and it’s long, and funny) and atone for them. Earl is like the third Ligue boy, only happier. Because the lead is played by Jason Lee and not Sack, I’m going out on a limb. Besides, it’s the new lead-in for the second funniest show on TV…

8:30 p.m. (Watch) — The Office, NBC

It was frustrating to read and hear the criticism of The Office when it made it’s short run premiere last spring. Everybody said it wasn’t as funny as the British version. Well, of course it wasn’t. That’s one of the classic shows of all-time. But the American version was tremendous on it’s own merits. Steve Carrell was brilliantly annoying as the clueless boss from hell, and the supporting characters all bring something familiar and funny. Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) had me at:

Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: Tickets?
Dwight (kissing a small, flexed bicep): For the gunshow?

In fact, Dwight steals every scene he’s in. Like when he showed up for the lunchtime basketball game wearing a Rip Hamilton broken nose mask, and then tried to drink water while wearing it. When he bought a purse and tried to carry it off as a briefcase. When he tried to form a Survivor-like alliance with Jim to avoid being laid off…

And who can forget…

“She meets all my needs in a mate. She’s pretty, she has silky hair, good skin and ample breasts. Not for me, mind you, for our children. We Schrutes have thirsty babies.”

Just watch the f#$%ing thing.

Wednesdays

8 p.m. (Watch) — Lost, ABC

This show has all the makings of a dud for season two. It’s been overhyped, the writers don’t seem to have an actual plan for where it’s going, almost as if they thought it up not expecting it to be a hit, and there’s always the danger of it becoming a “dramatic” Gilligan’s Island. But that’s just on the surface. The reality is that the writing is tremendous, the acting is even better and it has two things going for it that even it can’t screw up. It has Terry O’Quinn in it (Locke) and the promise of endless flashbacks to Julie Bowen. How can you go wrong?

9 p.m. (Watch) — Invasion, ABC

Again, I had reservations about this because I’ve only seen part of the pilot, but from all accounts this Lost-ish companion show about strange occurences going on in a town after a hurricane has promise. The reason I’m banking on it is that William Fichtner is in it and it’s about time he was in a hit. (Guesting on Roseanne doesn’t count.) OK, he’s been in two hits, but I think he’s looking for more than being the voice of Ken Rosenberg in the Grand Theft Auto games.

Oops, forgot one.

7:30 p.m. (Watch) — Freddie, ABC

Freddie Prinze Jr. plays…hah! Just checking to see if you were paying attention. Wow, not only is this show going to suck, but they only person getting good reviews for being in it is 90210’s own David Silver, Brian Austin Green. Wow. You should TiVo this, only if you are committed to setting your TiVo on fire. If you could give a show four thumbs down, this would be the one.

Thursdays

7 p.m. (Watch) — Survivor: Guatemala

I cannot help it. I cannot stop watching Survivor. There have been seasons when I’ve literally hated everyone, but still I watch. I’m not worried about hating everybody this year. They brought back the two biggest losers in the show’s history, Bobbie John and the strangely attractive Stephenie, and they gave us Gary Hogeboom! Gary’s going to pretend he’s not a former NFL QB with a fake name if anybody on the show “recognizes him.” How the hell is that going to happen? Even the biggest, most annoying (is there any other kind) Cowboys fan, ever, wouldn’t recognize Hogeboom. That’d be like if Will Furrer showed up on the Amazing Race. Who’s gonna recognize Will?

Oh, and did I mention there’s a dwarfish Mexican fishmonger on the cast? Or that one guy got hit by a prickly tree branch in the opening episode and is now poisoned? No? Hah! You have to watch now, don’t you?

Here’s what I can’t figure out about Stephenie. The longer she’s on the island the more attractive she gets. That can’t be a good sign, can it?

You know how you always hear people say, “Wow, you clean up nice!” You never hear anybody say, “Wow, you clean up…uh, yeah, you’re clean!?!” When dirt and grime makes you prettier, well, that’s a strange phenomenon.

8 p.m. (Watch) — CSI

I love CSI, but only the original. While I’m glad David Caruso finally has a hit TV show, I’m equally glad I don’t have to watch it and as much as I love Melina Kankaraedes, I can’t get into CSI: New York, either. But I’m all over the original. Maybe it’s because Bill Petersen is a bigger Cubs’ fan than Gary Sinise. Maybe it’s because Jorja Fox is the cutest lesbian on TV. Maybe it’s because George Eads played Evel Knievel in a TBS movie that nobody watched, I don’t know. But I still watch the original CSI religiously, though I never watch re-runs. And I still watch it, even though in HD it makes even my normally iron clad stomach queasy. Kind of like the Cubs, themselves.

I’m sure there are other quality shows out there. The Amazing Race is adding kids to the show for the first half of this season (not a good idea) so that didn’t make the list. I know people who watch Las Vegas (though they won’t admit it in public and I’m honestly not one of them). TiVo thought for the longest time that I should be watching Gilmore Girls, but I can’t bring myself to do that, and as much as I’d love to spend an hour with Jennifer Love Hewitt, it will not be happening during that horrific idea of an angels show she has.

So while these aren’t the only shows worth watching, they are the prime time ones we handpicked for you here at Desipio. Hey, we can’t do everything for you.