Over at the big four letter Web site, Sports Guy is doing another of his “Curious Guy” bits where he prints e-mails he’s traded with “famous” people. His first few were with people of dubious fame (like overrated social commentator Chuck Klosterman, some creator dude from the OC and the like.) Today he gets his first bona fide star, and it just happens to be one of the biggest assbags in the history of professional sports, none other than Curt Schilling.
Honestly, if we just wanted to be irriated reading 1200 words we’d read about 1,000 Rick Telander columns.
It got me to thinking though. Since I trade e-mails with famous people all the time, I should share some of them with you, the home reader. Seems like it’s the least of what I could do.
So, hey, let me dig around my Inbox (that’s what the kids are calling it these days) and see what I can pull out.
To: Andy “andy@desipio.com”
Fr: Law Firm of Letterly, Gitles, Brown, Dwyer and Tonker
Re: Call me, Julie…Puh-leeeeeeeze
Mr. Dolan,
You seem to be an educated man, what part of cease and desist do you not understand? You are reminded that the restraining order Miss Bowen obtained for her protection, not only prohibits you from being within 500 yards of her person, but also bars you from any and all written, electronic or telephone communications with her or her representatives.
You said:
>Hi Julie! It’s me, Andy. Call me. The dog told me to make a hat out of Reynolds Wrap, like you asked him to. One question, does it have to be Reynolds Wrap? All I have is the Kroger brand…
Wait, no, I don’t want to share that with you guys, that might be a little embarrassing.
How about these e-mails I exchanged last week with Carlos Zambrano? Oh, that’d be better.
I don’t want to rip off Bill Simmons and call them Curious Guy, so I’ll come up with something completely different.
How about, Curious Chap?
Perfect.
Andy: Carlos, at the Cubs Convention, you said one of your goals was to convince a Venezuelan winter league team to give you a 10-game tryout as their designated hitter. Any takers?
Carlos: Not so far. But how hard can it be to be a DH in Venezuela. Don’t get me wrong, my country has great ballplayers, but Jose Macias won the batting title in Venezuela this winter. That’s like John Koronka winning the Cy Young or something.
Do you still catch flack from people for being so emotional on the field? I know I like it. One of my fondest memories of your career was the night you smoked Jim Edmonds between the shoulder blades after Scott Rolen took you deep.
Some guys they don’t like when I jump around and show my excitement. I don’t pay much attention to them most of the time. Other times I throw my hat at them and tell them, “Hey Todd Walker, if you could run more than ten feet to either side you might catch a pop up once and a while. Hey, I think there’s a camera man and a microphone over there, why don’t you go over there and suck both of them off!?!” But I keep it in house. I don’t name names. What happens in the clubhouse, stays in Las Vegas.
Have you ever been able to convince Dusty Baker to leave you in the game, even when he’s come to the mound already having decided to go to the bullpen?
A couple times, yeah. One time, in San Diego I tell him that if he takes me out of the game that I will find him after the game, put a plastic grocery bag over his head until he passes out and then stuff him in Sergio Mitre’s rental car trunk. I got another four batters out of that one. Then one time at home last year against Philadelphia I distracted him with a shiny object when he came to the mound and he forgot why he was there. I broke an eight game losing streak for the team that day. The shiny object was Jeromy Burnitz’s head.
Last year your ERA was lower when Henry Blanco caught than when Michael Barrett was your catcher. Why is that?
I think mainly it’s a coincidence. It’s not like Henry is a better catcher or anything. Really, the only thing’s Henry is better than Michael at is calling pitches, blocking pitches in the dirt, framing pitches on the corners, holding baserunners, throwing out runners trying to steal, positioning the defense with runners on base, threatening to smack me if I stop throwing strikes and chewing out the umpires when they are screwing me on borderline pitchers. Otherwise, Michael’s better at everything else on defense.
Last year you had two notable injuries. You had to leave a start in Washington with a forearm cramp that the Cubs’ trainers said was a form of tennis elbow, apparently brought on by the amount of time you spend chatting on the Internet, and when you tore off one of your big toenails on a slide against the Red Sox. I don’t really have a question, I guess, I just find both of those things to be weird.
I guess those were weird. I play hard, I play 100 percent all the time. I also enjoy communicating with people all over the world through the technological wonder that is the World Wide Web. If loving big breasted Latinas with DSL connections is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
A lot of Cubs said they were happy for the White Sox when they won the World Series last year. Were you?
Yeah, I was happy for Ozzie Guillen. He’s from Venezuela and he’s like a hero over there. I was so happy for him that I called Ugy Urbina to see if he wanted to join me in one of our traditional Venezuelan celebration rituals. The one where you chase people, in this case Ozzie’s family, around with machetes while you throw gasoline on them and then when you corner them you throw lit cigarettes at them. See, in Venezuela we honor our traditions and unique customs. I feel bad because we didn’t get to do it. Ugy’s wife said he wasn’t home. She said he might not be home for a few days or 30 years depending on what the jury says.
Most of the guys who live in the Dominican Republic or Venezuela don’t come north during the winter for the Cubs Convention, but you seem to like it.
I love the convention. The fans are great. This year I got to go to a Bulls game that Saturday night. I wish it was the game when Antonio Davis’ wife started lipping off to everybody, that would have been fun. I wonder how far I could throw her?
But what I like about the convention is that the fans really like me. They don’t like some of the other guys and I think that’s funny, because you know what? I don’t like some of them either. Especially Mike Wuertz. He wore my shower shoes last year in Philadelphia. He said it was by accident. I don’t know if it was an accident or not, but the next time somebody wears my shower shoes and I end up getting a plantar’s wart a week later, that guy’s going to have a plantar’s wart growing out of his ass. I can tell you that.
I don’t like John Mabry, either. I don’t remember why, but I remember I don’t like him. If you hear about a player going to the hospital this spring when he was accidentally hit in the face with a batting practice pitch, well chances are if you go to the hospital to visit him, you’ll get to say hi to Mrs. Mabry.
What’s your favorite opposing ballpark to play in, and what’s your least favorite?
My favorite is Houston because they have that stupid train and the field is way too small down both lines and I enjoy hitting homers there.
My least favorite is in St. Louis. It’s the only park that smells so bad you go into the bathroom to catch some fresh air. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that last year when we were in town, we stuck a broom handle through a hole in shower wall and the next day Jim Edmonds sat out the game with pinkeye.
Eww.
gold, pure gold Andy.
Dude, you got the phone number of that law firm? I think one of them owes me a beer.
ROFL. THAT was fucking hilarious.
You kids are so funny these days.
“Other times I throw my hat at them and tell them, “Hey Todd Walker, if you could run more than ten feet to either side you might catch a pop up once and a while. Hey, I think there’s a camera man and a microphone over there, why don’t you go over there and suck both of them off!?!†But I keep it in house. I don’t name names. What happens in the clubhouse, stays in Las Vegas.”
Brilliance. Pure Brilliance.
Great work andy
You’re questions were WAAAAY too rough. And where were your pop-culture references to show how ‘hip’ you are. And there wasn’t enough about the Patriots. Other than that…ehh. No one’s smarter than me except for Chuck Klosterman.
A fake lawsuit? You know, falling back on my material is a sure sign that you are out of material.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that last year when we were in town, we stuck a broom handle through a hole in shower wall and the next day Jim Edmonds sat out the game with pinkeye.
Where do you want this thing? On the front lawn?
Damn fine work…shoulda asked him about his baserunning…
I was going to read your article, but I was too busy sucking Curt Schilling’s you-know-what
Carlos was actually at that Knicks/Bulls game. He’s on the Comcast tape.
Fuck you, Chuck.
Great work Andy. Just hillarious. Do you think we’ll see the Venezuelan celebration ritual if Zambrano gets a no hitter this season?
New Orleans will be a chocolate city!
Hey, I’m funny. Yeah, I sometimes sound like I stepped out of a scene in a movie where my character lives in San Fran, wears a biker helmet, and likes to have long debates about Saved by the Bell, but America needs a writer who dissects the idiocy of our pop culture. I’m no Shakespeare, but my Sex, Drug, and Cocoa Puffs book was great.
I second Corey’s motion. Chuck, you’re like a fart in the bathtub.
Hey, big guy, I can take you just like I used to beat up So Tagachu when he acted up. And he knew kartate.
If I weren’t going to visit my girlfriend tonight, this would be the highlight of my Friday. Great stuff.
If this is the highlight of your day, you need to step away from the computer for a few hours….
If this is the highlight of your day, you need to step away from the computer for a few hours….
If you resembled a waterlogged, shaggy ass rat, you could’ve banged her before the cease and desist. At least, that’s what I’ve heard…
1. Double-poster asshat dude, come live in central PA. 2. Come do my job, where all I do is sit at a computer and do random work for the government all day. No gripes other than it’s not entertaining 3. I did step away from the computer and had a great burrito for lunch. It still wasn’t as good as today’s post.
It’s all good though. I’ll be at U Chicago Law in 8 months. Until then Pissburgh is still 3 hours away at least.
Just what the world needs, another actress.
Gail:
A fart in the tub is a Burt, right?
Stop pointing at my Lord, Carlos, you Venezuelan spic. Your president should die! And as for you, Cub fan in PA, south-central PA can rot in hell, especially Dover!
Whatever you got, Chuck. It’s all your material, we’re all just plagarizing (sic).
got salad?
Mark Prior just avoided me.
Alright, enough is enough. Bring me back. You know you miss me, Andy. You miss my musk AND when this all gets sorted out, you wanna get an apartment together.
I like to use Softsoap to clean the piss off of my hands.
You know what I hate? When people always mix me up with that fat shithead from the Yankees.
I’m not really dead. I’m on an island with Tupac, Jim Morrison, Amelia Earhart and Marquis Grissom’s washed up fat ass.
HAY NUMBER 32, can you gimme directions so I can have one of my maids mapquest it for me!
Yes, Frank Thomas really fits into our sabermetric scheme of implementing washed-up, injury-riddle pseudo DH’s with young, unproven, Canadians who get on base a lot by walking into pitches.
Yes, Frank Thomas really fits into our sabermetric scheme of implementing washed-up, injury-riddled pseudo DH’s with young, unproven, Canadians who get on base a lot by walking into pitches.
What are the odds? I go from one shitty ballpark that can’t sell out because there’s a way better one just minutes away to another shitty ballpark that can’t sell out because there’s a way better one just minutes away.
At least I got to be World Series mascot.
I’m a Hall of Famer, bitches. Also, now I’m just across the Bay from Matt Morris. We’re getting an apartment in San Fran (and that slut Steve Kline isn’t welcome in our home). Ciao.
Remember me, be-atches? I was the next Pedro Martinez. I had a 7.44 ERA last year (10.38 at home and 4.11 on the road). Billy Beane thinks I’m great so I must be.
I think Juan Cruz is cute.
I’M the other Billy Bean(e), moran.
No second “e”.
If you wanted to make an intelligent joke, you log on as “Billy Bean” and say something subtle and clever. The smart ones will get it and you will have delivered.
Instead, by saying the “Other” Billy Beane and then misspelling his name, you not only bring the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the table, but the whole joke falls apart.
Thanks for re-writing my material.
1. Deep down, I think I’m smarter than everyone else, so I threw in “other” so that people would get it. In retrospect, if you have to explain a joke, it’s just not funny.
2. I was too lazy to look up the correct spelling.
3. I’d like to apologize to GLAAD.