In a move that surprised only the most rabid of Illini backers, Bill Self hopped on a private jet and spent Easter Sunday in beautiful Lawrence, Kansas. He’ll be named the new Kansas coach in a press conference this afternoon. Kansas has a better coach than they had a week ago. For Illinois to pull this off, well, they can’t. So what do they do now?

In a perfect world, Illinois just surveys the college landscape and take the next, potentially great young coach. The problem is that most of the guys on the list have pretty good reasons to not leave their current jobs for Illinois. (Or, vice versa.)

– Tom Crean, Marquette — He already makes as much cash at Marquette as he’s liable to make with the Illini. He wants to be an NBA head coach some day, and you’d think that just the joy of watching George Karl implode on a nightly basis would help Tom realize just how close he is to getting an NBA job in the same city he already lives in.

– Mark Few, Gonzaga — Great coach, great guy, he fills the Bill Self mode as someone who can recruit and coach and handle the media. But he’s a west coast guy who you would assume can just kick back and wait for one of the prime Pac-10 jobs to open. Maybe the fact that the didn’t even get a sniff when UCLA needed a coach has convinced him otherwise. But I doubt it.

– Thad Matta, Xavier — A proven winner at Butler and Xavier, Matta is a Hoopeston, Illinois native and is likely the front-runner for the job. But have you seen this guy? Granted, you don’t have to be a model to coach basketball, but woof. Let’s just say the branches on the ugly tree took a beating when Thad fell off.

– Ben Braun, Cal — Desipio’s official choice for the next Illinois coach is Ben Braun. We’ve always liked this guy. He can coach, he can recruit, he’s a New Trier grad (even if he did then go on to Wisconsin) and he’s had sucess both at Cal and at Eastern Michigan. But would you leave Berkley for Champaign? If you said yes, you’re lying.

– Rob Judson, Northern Illinois University (Harvard of the Midwest) — You can scratch Rob’s name off the list. I know he’s a former Illinois player and assistant coach. I know that he basically left U of I two years ago to come to NIU with the idea that some day he’d come back like Napoleon and take over the program. But come on, Jud’s seen the bright lights of DeKalb, Illinois. He has walked the sidewalks that I once walked. He has felt the pull of the Huskie Nation and there’s no way he’d leave NIU for Illinois. Yeah, sure. He’s probably got his office packed right now, just in case.

Honestly, Judson will some day be a great hire for Illinois. He’s smart, he knows basketball, he’s done a nice job in two years with an NIU program that was a shambles when he took over. But he’s not ready. You can’t come to a program that expects Sweet Sixteen or bust next year after only two years of head coaching experience on any level.

– Rick Majerus, Utah — He’d be fun, but if Rick’s going to get a new job, the scenario of Crean to Illinois, Majerus back to Marquette seems to be the only way it’ll happen.

– Bruce Weber, Southern Illinois — Here’s an inspired choice, if Illinois AD Ron Guenther wants to step out and make a bold move. Weber has proven he can coach and recruit in his short stint in Carbondale. He’s also a very likable guy. He left Purdue after years as Gene Keady’s personal hair stylist (OK, assistant coach) for SIU with the idea that when Keady retired he’d be the heir apparent. Keady’s only got two years left. Does Weber sit tight and hope that Purdue makes good on that implied promise, or does he grab the brass ring at Illinois? Chances are, if Illinois calls, Bruce says yes.

– Ernie Kent, Oregon — He’s from Rockford. That should be reason enough to never hire him.

– Tim Floyd, Unemployed — Oh, God no. Sure he was a very good college coach at a tough place to win, Iowa State. He’s probably get a top job next year, or could even get one this summer depending on where Illinois raids to get their new coach. But we don’t want to go down this road, do we? Nope.

– Lon Kruger, Unemployed — The monobrow, the lisp, the whole Mike Brey mock turtleneck look… Lon is strange, sure, but he can coach, and he proved at Illinois that he could recruit the kinds of guys you need to win Big Ten championships. But…no. Once was enough, Lon.

– Matt Doherty, Unemployed — Have you seen the creepy beard he’s growing now? The man is psycho.

Since you asked, I’ll rank the top five candidates in the order I think Ron Guenther has them. And, I’ll give you the odds that they’ll take the job if offered.

1. Tom Crean — 2:1 (Hah! Not as long as you thought. As Kordell Lupus would say, “At the end of the day”, the Big Ten ain’t Conference USA, and that’s a good thing.)
2. Thad Matta — 1:1
3. Mark Few — 3:1
4. Ben Braun — 7:1
5. Andy Dolan — 1:1 (I’m available! I’ll take it.)

Sammy Sosa got hit in the head with a Solomon Torres fastball yesterday. Juan Cruz hit Solomon in the knee in his next at bat. I love Juan Cruz.

It seems that once per series the Cubs turn back into the old Cubs. Game one against the Reds, game three against the Pirates. The amazing thing, is that when they don’t kick the ball around like the Philadelphia Charge (cue photo of Heather Mitts):

they don’t lose. So perhaps we should stop doing the soccer thing with a baseball, eh gang?

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Bill Self is off to Kansas. Gee, what a soo-prise.

A good look at Bill Self. It’s going to hard to hate Kansas with him there. He’s a great guy. You know how Roy Williams pretended to be nice and sweet but wasn’t? Bill isn’t pretending.

Bad news Illini fans. If Charlie Villanueva plays college ball next year, it’s going to be at Kansas.

Illini fans are bummed.

Rick Morrissey says it happens too often and it’s too easy. No, this isn’t another Sox fan getting beaten up by the Kansas City Royals column.

If we’ve learned anything in the last three weeks, it’s this. “Never believe what a college coach says about an open job.” Ever.

Let’s all pray that Dana Altman isn’t really on Ron Guenther’s list. If he is, you might as well take a different former K-State coach and bring back Kruger.

Sammy’s OK. After all, he got hit in the head.

Dusty says that 10 years ago Solomon Torres had bad control. Nice that he’s worked on it, huh?

Groucho takes a spin around the NBA. I think Isiah Thomas proved forever and a day on Saturday that he’s a completely inept NBA coach.

The Bears have had good luck picking in the top five. Like it’s hard to pick one of the top five players. Yikes.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that Ron Guenther will come through again. He always does.

More on Self running out the door.

Greg Couch is back on the Cubs ticket broker trail. I love it when he skewers them for this horrendous-ness.

Herb Gould on who will replace Self.

Sports Guy with a good one on the Boston Marathon.

Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli says that Miami has a lot of good players. Gee, that’s pretty deep. Maybe it’s why they’ve lost two games in three years?

Why does this stuff always happen with the Cardinals? Two words: The Genius. Just shut up, Tony.

I think the reason Susan Sarandon’s movie finished last is because it looked like it was going to absolutely suck.

Scott Peterson’s parents think he’s innocent. Ok, there’s two!

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