Illini fans are an insecure lot these days. On Sunday a guy dumped them after three years. Last night, a guy dumped them after three hours. What’s next? Three minutes with Larry Brown?

Tom Crean decided that he might as well stay at Marquette. But if you Golden Warrior Eagles fans (or whatever you are these days) think he’s staying for good, the over/under on his job change is set firmly at two years.

It leaves the Illini facing the very real possibility that Bruce Weber will be their new head coach. That is, if Bruce thinks that Illinois is a better job than Southern Illinois. The way things are going for the Illini, Bruce will declare his undying love for weird little dogs and say he wants to be “A Saluki forever.”

OK, we know that’s not going to happen. Basically, the rest of Ron Guenther’s list is full of guys just dying to say yes. If he wants Weber or Xavier’s Thad Matta or NIU’s Rob Judson, they’re his. Underwhelming? Sure.

But so was Notre Dame’s selection of mighty Delaware coach Mike Brey, and that’s turned out pretty well.

Weber seems to be the best pick of the bunch, and according to the SIU men’s basketball Web site, “Fame and success have not changed Weber. He remains approachable, generous and humble. On road trips, no job is beneath him as he helps team managers load the bus or passes out drinks and sandwiches to his players and staff. Weber’s warm personality has made him a popular figure in the Carbondale community, where he is a frequent guest at civic clubs, booster club meetings, golf outings and church fund-raisers.”

He passes out sandwiches and drinks! Sign him up!

You can just picture the scene. 2004 NCAA title game, Illinois-Kansas. Dee Brown nails a three pointer at the buzzer to give Illinois its first national title. Billy Packer saunters over and interviews Dee who says, “We were struggling at the half, but then Coach Weber gave us Fresca and some tuna melts and it was all we needed.”

Then, Jim Nantz tries to interview Weber only to have Bruce say, “Talk to the kids, I’ve got to catch a plane and hit the Trinity Lutheran Corn Boil.”

Yeah, it’ll be great.

The Illini coaching search is becoming tiresome, and frankly, I ran out of jokes two days ago (like you didn’t all know), but a funny thing has happened in the hours since Bill Self made the dash for Lawrence.

Illini fans are finally coming clean about his hair. Or lack thereof. I had always wondered if Self’s perfect coif was some sort of hair system. When you see him on TV next time, in his little Kansas sweater vest, see if you can spot the double hairline he has above his neck. There’s the natural one where the hair ends and the neck begins, and then there’s another one about an inch higher that sticks out a little bit. And watch how often he smoothes the hair on the back of his head. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Oh, and I brought photographic proof.

Not convinced? How about this photo of Bill from his Oral Roberts days.

Whoever the new coach is, he needs to make a beeline for the Villanueva house (not Hector’s) and make one, last, futile attempt to land Illini oral commitment (Monica Lewinsky jokes to come later—hey, there’s one!) Charlie Villanueva. ESPN reported on Monday that Charlie was headed to the NBA draft, and I tend to think he still is, but on his Web site (not making this up), Charlie’s dad writes that it’s not a done deal that he’s going pro. Sure.

His dad writes, “If Charlie feels comfortable with the new head coach, look for CV to stick with the Fighting-Illini. If not, he will seriously put some thought into other schools; none in particular at this point. And though playing at the college level seems a bit more complicated now, it has not been withdrawled.”

Whew. I thought he’d already withdrawled. Well, that’s good news. Or something.

Rick Morrissey reminds us that not all coaches are covered in snake oil.

Steve Rosenbloom compares Bill Self to Gary Barnett. That seems a bit unfair.

The first place Cubs are going so well, they’re learning to win without hits!

El Pulpo is ready to go. Are we ready for him?

I’m no psychologist, but Sammy needs to let the broken helmet go. Throw it away.

I’ll give Kenny Williams the same advice I’ll give you Stevie Loaiza fantasy owners out there. Trade Stevie now! I had him a couple years ago when he was in Toronto and he was a world beater in April and an egg beater the next five months.

I’m telling you. If Charlie Villanueva plays college basketball, he’ll do it with a big ugly Jayhawk on his chest.

Check this out from Groucho, he wants the Bulls to trade for Kevin Garnett, but at the end he says maybe they should build with what they have. Can you imagine what it’d be like to have a front court of Eddy Curry (7’1), Tyson Chandler (7’2) and KG (7’1)? Yikes. Mutant and potent.

Jeff Faine is still studying. I found this very impressive. Maybe it’s just me.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to freak out about the Illini and to make another lame Moo U. joke.

Bruce Weber likes Illinois. He really does. Plus, think of all the sandwiches!

Willis McGahee had an impressive workout. For a guy with Scotch tape holding his knee together. Jerry Angelo loves this guy. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Wizard of Roz worries that the Bears have no clue at tackle…again.

Andy Katz says that of the remaining candidates, Bruce Weber, Rob Judson and Thad Matta want the Illini job badly. He also says there’s a mystery candidate. Thanks to our spies at Desipio, we know who that is.

Sports Guy with a good one on the NBA playoffs.

Peter King shows us an example of a draft pick value chart. Oooh, titillating!

I think we’ve always known that if you want big ratings, crack out a 60-year old Bible epic or a reality show with a well known presidential fellater. By the way, as a host, Monica Lewinsky blows. And, take a good look at her, it’s as thin as she’ll ever be again. Sad.

Gear up for the Big San Francisco earthquake tour 2032! I think Phish is going to open, and then whatever’s left of the (literally) Grateful Dead.

Intrepid reader Melissa Meloro sent in this handy guide to dancing.

America’s Finest News Source with the story of how a man’s lame DVD collection killed his chances at a two-night stand.