With Photoshop you can do a lot of things. Unfortunately, I didn’t need to Photoshop Tony Womack into a dragster. Nope, this is really him. This is the man Jim Hendry thinks will save the Cubs.
This is the same Tony Womack who played so miserably for the Cubs in 2003 before Wendell Kim managed to send his ulnar collateral ligament to it’s death (ironically) at The BOB on a close play at home plate.
For Wendell it was close. Tony was only out by 73 feet.
The Cubs, a team who’s current roster breakdown is:
Hall of Fame pitcher: 1
MVP-caliber slugger on DL: 1
Second basemen: 17
Magic-trick doing “closer”: 1
Albino left fielders: 1
All-Star pitchers who would rather pretend to be hurt than pitch for Dusty: 1
You get the idea.
Anyway, the Cubs signed Tony Womack because apparently 17 second basemen isn’t enough. Now, with him tearing up the Pacific Coast League (in that Pacific Ocean vacation destination of Des Moines), the Cubs are sending up smoke signals that Tony’s set to join the team in time for the start of a three-game sweep by the Braves at Wrigley.
Wait, you mean the Tony Womack? Well, of course he’ll save the season! Everytime I look at the Cubs’ batting statistics I think to myself, “How can these get worse?”
The answer, of which there is only one, is to add Tony Womack to the mix. When you’re at rock bottom, the only place to go is up…unless you bring in Tony Womack. Tony’s the human equivalent of the big penis-shaped spaceship drill that Aaron Eckart, Delroy Lindo, Stanley Tucci and Hillary Swank used to bore through the Earth’s core in that horrific movie “The Core.”
Tony’s wife (who is Albert Pujols’ younger sister) is so ugly that Joe Buck famously referred to her as Tony’s “mother” during the post-game euphoria of the 2001 playoffs.
Womack’s playing credentials are sterling. His career on base average is a whopping .317. He’s short, and fast, so he’s spent most of his time killing rallies from the lead off spot.
His career strikeouts to walks ratio is better than 2 to 1 in favor of the K’s. Great. If you’re a pitcher.
In 2003 he managed to post a sub-.270 on base average on three different teams. Not at the same time mind you, but still impressive.
His career high in on-base average came, inexplicably during the 2004 season with St. Louis. They were so enamored with him that they didn’t re-sign him. This year, his on base average with Cincinnati was .364. Of course, it came with a .222 batting average and a .333 slugging average.  Oh, and it was a whopping nine games into the season when the Reds told him to go home and not come back.
So the Cubs, dead last in batting average, on base average, and just about every other offensive stat have signed and now, apparently, plan on actually using one of the most overrated offensive baseball players in the last 15 years.
Everybody needs a plan.
Even if it’s a lousy one.
I could be #19, but I think Toronto might be interested in me.
Don’t forget, I also call in to sports talk shows and do hilarious impressions. As an impressionist, I’m a pretty decent relief pitcher.
Soon they wont be talking about the Royals anymore. I really believe the Cubs can get to 120 losses. Just don’t change a thing Jim. We can do it!
That picture is me, Jerry.
When do I get the call up??
Not before I start for Woody.
Ya gotta bring me back. Womack, Neifi and me and the Cubs corner the market on squirly-looking, no-hit infielders. That’s a winner!
As of this morning…
Hitting
~Last in the NL in runs
~Last in the NL in At Bats per game
~Last in the NL in hits
~Last in the NL in Doubles
~4th in the NL in Triples!!!
~Last in the NL in Homeruns
~Last in the NL in Total Bases
~Last in the NL in RBI
~Last in the NL in Batting Avergae
~Last in the NL in On Base Percentage (flirting with the .200’s)
~Last in the NL in Slugging Percentage
~Last in the NL in On Base plus Slugging
~6th in the NL in Stolen Bases
~14th in the NL in Caught Stealing
~Last in the NL in Walks
~14th in the NL in Strikeouts
~3rd in the NL in hitting into Double Plays
~Last in the NL in Leaving men on Base
Pitching
~14th in the NL in Saves
~Last in the NL in Complete Games
~14th in the NL in Shut-outs
~15th in the NL in ERA
~15th in the NL in Innings pitches
~2nd in the NL in strikeouts!!!
~1st in the NL in Walks (by 20+)
Hard to be a Cubs fan these days…
lol, Murton is a ginger.
Now the inmates are running the asylum.
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The sad part about me is that only one man in America didn’t see me comming – Jim “Oh Woe is Me” Hendry.
Keep your chin up guys. Your farm system is the envy of every team out there.
Actually Womack is sitting in a top fuel dragster, not a funny car. He still sucks though.
Hey guys! When do I get a shot?
Wait in line mister.
once barrett and mabry are suspended and ramirez tweaks his groin and anus, and dusty thinks murton and cedeno are the problem
pierre-cf
hariston-2b
walker-1b
jones-rf
womack-ss
perez-3b
bynum-lf
blanco-c
when does the fire sale start? Can we get anything for ANY of these guys?
Sadly, Blauser’s OBP would represent a significant upgrade for our offense.
Did Womack steal the car?