Today’s Cubs Dead! is sponsored by:
Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Sean Marshall 3-3, 4.72 ERA
Astros: Somebody Sampson 0-0, 3.68 ERA
Lineups
Unlucky Pierre, cf
Tony Woeful, 2b
Michael Barrett, c
Disgusted Bat Flip, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
John Mabry, rf (no Jock? boo hoo)
Red, lf
Ron Ce, ss
Sean Marshall, p
Astros
The Beege, 2b
Corky Thatcher, cf
Fat Lance, 1b
Bob Stoops, 3b
Prestone, lf
Jason Lane, rf
Dartmouth, c
Big Ears Everett, ss
Somebody Sampson, p
Guh.
I had this set up to go before lunch and didn’t post it. And with the greatest sponsorship of all time, no less! Oh well.
At least the Cubs were patient enough to not score until this got posted.
I just gave myself some kind of syndrome on that swing. Ouch.
I can’t wait to get my Gold Glove this year, and then wear it in the field next season.
E-Ramis, I’m going to wear mine on a chain around my neck. It’d be smaller than what I’m wearing now.
WTF is that?
At lunch I dropped $15 on a Juan Pierre bobblehead. I figure that someday I’ll look at it and say, “When did Juan play for the Cubs?”
That, my chap is what I spent my 40K severance on.
Half of my 58 hits haven’t left the infield.
Keep makin’ fun of me Andy. Maybe you’ll get everyone to forget that I’m currentl having the best offensive season of anyone on the team and that I am still the best RF option that Hendry had in the off-season. And don’t say a word about that banjo-hittin’ Murton (a fourth OF on most teams).
Hey I thought I couldn’t leave Bloomington.
You know how you watch a guy and you think, “Hey, he’s starting to come out of it” but then you check his stats and he’s still playing shitty?
I thought that about Juan.
But, in his last seven games he’s 8-26 (.308) with a .400 on base average, three stolen bases and a huge (for him) one RBI.
No, Kelvin, that’s me. I have returned to Houston and will lead the Rocket to the NBA Finals. That’s right, I’m driving Roger, Pettitte and Scrap Iron up to Dallas after this one.
Hey Jock,
Every flyball hit your way is a reminder of why it’s still necessary to make fun of you.
And don’t get any of us started on your horsehit baserunning exploits.
Besides, I called Matt Murton’s season “mediocre” the other day and somebody got their undies in a bunch over that, too.
Dusty benched Murton the other night because his defense was so bad Sunday in St. Lou.
Am I on the bench today because on Monday I nearly turned Juan into a speedbump on a ball he caught and took five full strides before I nearly ran over him, and then last night I turned a routine flyball into a two-RBI double?
Nah.
I am what the Cubs are getting today. I love the fact that the Cubs such enough that I can watch the game and actively root for a no hitter because of how funny it would be.
WGN can not spell me. (Amber Alter.)
I am the best Carlos on this team now female doges!
Everytime there’s an Amber Alert we get a knock on the Desipio front door checking to see if Karry’s home.
We turned Marmol from a catcher into a pitcher. Hey, maybe we should let Hank pitch tomorrow in Cincinnati?
I am actually not bad. 7-1 2.64 ERA with 35/5 K/BB at AAA
Pat Hughes: One away here in the bottom of the fourth. Anything to add Andy?
Andy Mazur: (Nods, ‘no’.)
Pat Hughes: That’s why you’re the best color man in the league.
Hey Larry! I’d let you turn me from a catcher to a pitcher! (wink.)
Does an Amber ALter involve silicone?
Did somebody say there was an “Amber Bock Alert”? Get me one. And a smoke.
Pat Hughes said I’m out of the line-up today because my back has been bothering me for the last week and I tweaked it last night on that Gold Glove catch. My defense is solid, yo.
Jason Grimsley’s been released by the Diamond Bakos. Seems they don’t want anyone on the team who says they took HGH.
In other Diamond Bako news, team trainers sent Luis Gonzalez to the hospital to have his larynx removed.
Andy Masur just announced that I’m on my way to Cincy to have Dr. Kremcheck look over my shoulder. Don’t worry, guys. It’s just for peace of mind!
“for those of you just joining us, there is NOT a no-hitter going on. one out, one on here in the fifth and again, THERE IS NOT A NO-HITTER. Feel free to turn the TV off again.”
Nobody can no-hit a team with John Mabry in the lineup.
The Diamond Bakos? I’m suing for a piece of that action.
The NL Central is up for grabs at the moment. Except, for the Cubs and Pirates.
Seeing Marshall on the back of our pitcher reminds me of one of my favorite lines.
“So I asked Penny Marshall, when you married Rob Reiner did either of you know you were gay yet?”
My back hurts from carrying this sorry outift to near mediocrity over the last ten days.
Gamecast says ball four to Lane was juuuuust a bit outside.
One of us fucking sucks right now.
There’s only one man who can turn the Cubs season around.
Tha man is Jack Bauer, Cubs Manager.
Bauer: Jock Jones! Why did you swing at that ball at your feet? Who are you working for! (Shoots Jock in the leg.)
My baby is the only good thing on this team! You lay off my baby! He makes more money in an hour that you does all year! Uhhhhh….huh!
You know, the Juan Pierre bobblehead is taller than the Derrek Lee one. I think maybe these things aren’t to scale.
If they were gonna give Jock’s back a day off today, they probably should’ve given Nevin a start at 1B and put Walker at 2B.
Did I homer to the crawford boxes, then walk in the 5th? I’m amazing.
but the wind’s not blowing out, dave. no point in having power hitters up if you don’t have gale force winds at your back.
Hey! What about my one hitter? It was a homerun you say? Guh.
I wanna talk to Sampson!
Plus, it’s not like right handed hitters can take advantage of that silly-ass short porch in left field.
We used to call games like this a pitcher’s duel. I think the reason this isn’t being called a pitcher’s duel by anyone here is because both teams bats are so covered in drool they’re too saturated to swing. The joke is, both teams are full of tards. That was what I was going for there.
If you put Nevin in, then I have to sit… and Dusty loooooves me
Who are you talking about, 46?
what’s up with the two singles to the aramis? is he just knocking down the ball and sitting on it or what?
uhhhh… little help, please? anyone?
Sean if you want offensive support, go back to AA.
Did anyone call for me? No? ok
I’m the only one who gives a crap today not named Sean Marshall.
We don’t want Sean Marshall either.
No Cub will set foot on me today.
Why is Walker not bunting with the tying run on 1st and nobody out in the 7th?
Well I did 54, but only briefly
Hey Guys! Me too! Right guys!?
hmmm… 2 on, 2 out… RHP… Murton can’t hit righties… Jones hits righties…. hmmm… let’s see… hmmm… Jones is hitting over .500 in June… Murton is hitting about .200… hmmm… let’s see if we get lucky!
I’m so freakin’ overrated around here.
Nope. Oh well…
Like it really matters what people on the internet think. I make all the decisions, and in my book, we have a dynamite ball club.
If we bunt with 0 outs, this game is tied. Dumb ass.
I thought today was on off day. my bad!
Common sense needed a rest today dude. I mean, c’mon, you can’t have common sense go out there every day, man. You gotta have something left in the tank in September. That’s what Hank taught me anyway.
Hey Anti- Dusty! Todd Walker is our 1B! 1Bs don’t bunt! Clean-up hitters don’t bunt! Who do you think you are? Why don’t you and common sense just get the hell out of here and let me manage!
If the Cubs had signed me like Apex begged them to, Carlos would have pitched a no-hitter the other night. The Cubs would still suck killer whale dick but there’d have been that at least. Morans.
Yeah! get out of here!
I was gonna be a decent #4 OF for this team till I shredded my hamstring like a mop in April.
In honor of my namesake, the late Billy Preston, I will be playing the Minute Maid Park organ between innings.
I actually don’t have a “dick” per se.
And thank goodness for that!
Doesn’t matter. Whatever you use to produce offspring with, we’ll find some kind of way to suck it. And how!
I actually am not a whale, either. I’m a member of the dolphin family.
this is so awesome! I’m hitting .143 this month and .091 away from Wrigley and Dusty is STILL starting me and hitting me 2nd!!! Neifi! doesn’t even get this treatment.
Oh we got trouble! Right here in River City!
hehe! I’ll use Jacque now… with no one on… when they least expect it! muuuhhhahahahaha
Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Shut up, Paul.
Oh, my arm! I think it’s broken!
Juan’s not nearly as good an actor as I am. That ball actually hit his shirt.
Please score 4 insurance runs. Please score 4 insurance runs. Please score 4 insurance runs.
When you give up 5 runs in 3 three games and lose 2-of-3, you are most definitely sucking me.
My new rooting interest is that Womack goes 0 for the next 30. Maybe then Jim will realize what a colossal mistake signing him was. You don’t think Theriot could have at least equalled this guy’s pathetic stats? Please.
Scott Eyre has been doing me all year long. So much so it hurts. He touches my colon!
Dusty never said anything about having to run to first.
I might be fat. I may even be responsible for a run in today’s game. But I am a damn good reliever.
I am how much the Cubs scored in the last 2 games against less then stellar pitching. Even I think thats too little.
Remember that one time when Aramis Ramirez popped up weakly to the right side?
Um, I’m looking for the Cubs. Anybody seen ’em?
Dave, I’ve got a warrant out on Aramis for murdering my fantasy team.
Meh..back to the pile.
“Dude, I dunno man….we just can’t win on that WGN station. It might be the TV frequency difference between free tv and pay tv man. Remember, we are 1-2 on Fox too dude.”
These days, I’m definitely not the ugliest thing shown on this TV station. 2nd ugliest, though.
I guess that bumps me to 3rd.
Jesus Christ, cut off the gamecasts if it’s just going to be a bunch of cunts.
What’s more painful to watch David’s video or the Cubs?
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Guess where I’m going guys?
Long toss, towel drill, mound throwing, live hitters, simulated game, setback, live hitters, simulated game, first minor league rehab, second minor league rehab and I’m back for a game or two.
*zzzzzzz* Hey! wha- huh What month is it? We playing besbol? LETS KEEL EM ALL!!!!!! IM BACK FEMALE DOGES!!!!!
Desipio just got some airtime on the Sat Cubs TV broadcast.