Uhhh, E-ramis.  Look down, buddy.Without fail, when you ask Len Kasper, you get an answer. Of course, it helps when the dope who runs the site actually sends Len the questions. After a month of forgetting to do so, I did, and Len turned them around in four days. Not too shabby.

As we try to get the image of Jock Jones slowly trotting after a single he turned into a Little League inside the park home run for Scott Rolen out of our mind, we turn to Cubs’ announcer Len Kasper to tell us the things we really want to know.

(No, how to commit suicide using only a Believe bracelet and one of Les Walrond’s sanitaries is not among the answers.)

Len, if we pitch in and buy you a You’re with me, Leather shirt, would you wear it during a broadcast? Will the higher-ups allow it? Perhaps a Hank White Fan Club shirt, instead?, The Hoff

LEN: I think the Hank White Fan Club shirt has a much better chance of making through the “network” censors, as they say (I have no idea what that means, but it sounds official).

Our local baseball nine picked up a young lad who goes by Todd Walker, we’re very excited. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m kind of a big deal. My den smells of a rich mahogany and I have many leather bound books. Do you know what San Diego means? When in Rome., Ron Burgundy

LEN: Ron, just remember, “Unique New York, unique New York…”

Len,
The Cubs used to have one of the deepest farm systems but now seem to have one of the worst. What has been the problem: do you think it is the coaching staffs or just the trades? And is it possible the Bulls will have more wins this year than the Cubs? Thanks!, Bonez

LEN: Hi Bonez, I’ve only been here 2 years, so I can’t speak for what happened prior to ’05, but the biggest concern is the lack of bona fide position player prospects. I think we’ve seen some pitchers with potential and while Murton and Cedeno have shown flashes (plus Murton was acquired in a trade, so he only sort of counts as a product of the farm system), we haven’t seen a guy who has just jumped out as a potential All-Star-type player. That certainly has to change. Maybe Felix Pie is that guy. Not sure, haven’t seen him at this level yet. I do like that the Cubs are moving him along somewhat slowly and not rushing him here.

Hola Len,
Can you give me the one good reason I no play left field on days I no pitch?, Carlos Z. (By the way, if Jeem Hendry asks, I didn’t use the Internet to ask you this question.)

LEN: Z, as great as you are, I think keeping you on the mound exclusively is the best way to go.

Len,
What’s your take on Murton and Cedeno? I, like many cub fans, had high hopes for Murton coming into the season. He had that one really tough stretch, but it seems like he?s been up and down all season. Cedeno has been just awful lately at the plate, after starting the season pretty hot. He’s shown flashing of brillance in the field, however. Do you think these two will end up as legitimate every day big league ballplayers?, Mike L.

LEN: I think Matt has the chance to be a very good hitter for one reason–plate discipline. He gets on base. His power, we’re seeing now, is coming along slowly, but I think it’s there. He has not been good defensively, but LF isn’t the most crucial defensive position on the field and hopefully he can improve enough to not be a liability out there. Actually, one of the ideas I like is moving Jacque Jones to LF next year and using him against RHPs and Murton vs. LHPs. I think that platoon could work well offensively. Then go out and find (if you possibly can) a RF with a good arm and a big bat (like those guys are looking for work!). Ronny has the potential to be a very good defensive player and I think he will get better with the glove. Offensively? his inability to get on base and to draw walks is a big concern for me. So, if you don’t project him becoming an above-average offensive player, he HAS to be very good defensively to justify him being an everyday guy at a critical middle infield spot. I don’t have that answer. Ronny gets hurt, IMO, by the fact that Izturis isn’t a huge offensive player. Cesar is a terrific defensive SS, which is nice to have for sure. But if neither of your DP combo guys get on base a lot or hit for power, that puts a lot of pressure on the rest of your lineup.

Mr Kasper, sir,
Can you confirm our suspicion that no one in the Cubs’ organization understands what OBP stands for?, Every GM of every other team

LEN: You win the “Interesting Fragment of a Question Award.”

?Hola Len!
Este a?o los cachorros estan dificil buscar. Estas fortunado que tu recibes dinero para buscar ellos.
Pues, Tu pareces que sabes mucho en los sciencias de statisticos de beisball. ?Estas un ?sabermetricador?, no? Soy un ?stat geek? tambien. Porque no habas mas en los statisticos como VORP, EqOBP y HWeqA en la tele?
Y una mas pregunta: ?Cuando voy a cantar ?take me out to the ballgame? con Usted y se?or Brenly?
?Adios Len!
-Rubby

LEN: No habla Espanol Rubby.

(This apparently translates to: Hello Len! This year the Cubs are very difficult to watch. You are fortunate to be paid to watch them. You seem to know much about baseball statistics. You are a sabermetrician, no? I am also a “stat geek.” Why don’t you use stats like VORP, EqOBP and HWEqBA on the broadcast? And when am I going to sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame with you and Senor Brenly? Adios Len!, Rubby)

LEN: Thanks for the translation…I don’t use VORP and the like because most people have never heard of it and it’s too complicated to explain (I don’t even know how to define a lot of it even though I look at a lot of it). I think using SL and OBP is a good start towards dropping in Runs Created Above Average, etc. And you’re always welcome to sing the stretch.

Len, am I one of the injured horses preventing Dusty from being able to win?, Barbaro

LEN: You win the “Smart Aleck Award.”

A lot has been made of a story on Chicago sports radio that the Cubs rarely (never?) take infield, either due to Tribune Company-sponsored events on the field before games or the manager?s failure to mandate that they do. Do the Cubs regularly take infield before games? Since you are at the ballpark early, what percentage of other teams and players would you say regularly take infield before games?, Fat, Drunk and Stupid

LEN: I don’t notice that many teams take infield before games.

My 2 year old saw you on TV earlier this year wearing a red shirt and thought you were Murray from the kid musical group The Wiggles. Assuming that?s not your off season job, is he a relative or even a close acquaintance? And while were on it, The Wiggles have a pirate friend, Captain Feathersword. Do you and Bob have your own ?Captain Feathersword? that you like to hang out with?, rjay

LEN: I’d love to play along, but I’ll ‘fess up, I’m not in any way familiar with The Wiggles.

Len,
If the Cubs game were still on a Fox Sports Net station, would you call that program hosted by Chris Rose ?The Best Sports Show, Period? or would you be filthy and use the ?D? word?, CC from Atlanta

LEN: I’d call it by its official name, just like I did for 3 years in Florida, including the “Damn.”

Len,
two questions:
1. If you could make 3 moves in the offseason to improve the cubs for 07 and 08, what would they be?
2. Also, just curious, do you have a fantasy baseball team? If so, who is on your roster?
I?ll hang up now and listen for your answer., Dan the Fan

LEN: Thanks for the call. I don’t play fantasy baseball. I played fantasy football a couple years ago and won my league and vowed to go out a winner and to never play again (so far, I’ve kept to it) since it was the first time I had ever won anything like it. If I could make three moves, I’d trade a AA long reliever to the Mets for Carlos Beltran, I’d offer the Yankees anyone from my Florida State League team for Chien-Ming Wang and Derek Jeter and I’d see if Julie Bowen could sing the 7th inning stretch for all the games Ron Santo wasn’t scheduled.

Hi, Len. Did you ride the train from DC to the Big Apple with the team? Because, you know you?d never get a chance to ride a train again living in Chicago and all., Apoptosis

LEN: Yes, I did ride that train, my first non-subway train ride ever (runner-up for “Smart Aleck Award”).

Dear Len,

-What is your favorite Hank Aaron story?
-Is it true that you were the ‘player to be named later’ in the Dontrelle Willis trade?
-If the Cubs are a disaster, which of the following is the best corollary: The Hindenburg, The Titanic or the movie, Ishtar?
-Will you and Brenly have a “Turn Back the Clock” Day, dress up in straw boaters and pinstriped seersucker suits and sing the ad jingles in an olde-tymey way?
-Who is the black private dick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
I?ll hang up and wait for your answer(s)., Long time, first time

LEN: Hank once spent a season playing for the Eau Claire Bears. Yes, that was me. I would prefer Showgirls to Ishtar, simply because I’m a big Kyle MacLachlan fan. I think 70s night suffices. And I’m not good at riddles, but would that be Shaft?

Len-
What, in your opinion, is the best way to measure the Cubs ineptitude this season? Longest losing streak? Longest winning streak? Being eliminated by the end of May? Home record? Away record? Overall record? 8 home runs in a singe game?, RD

LEN: I think the Cubs ranking in runs scored and ERA kind of sums it up.

Len,
Could you please tell Josh Mora that his hair smells nice?, David Eckstein

LEN: David, are you saying Mitch Robinson’s hair doesn’t?

What would you ask Len Kasper if given the chance., Danimal

LEN: I would ask him, will you go with a toupee or stick with the male pattern baldness in two years when you can’t do the “comb it forward” look anymore?

Does Hank White know about the fan club and the nickname and all of that? If so, what does Hank think? If not, could you like get him a t-shirt or something?, Cub Fan in PA

LEN: That’s a good question. I’ll have to ask him. I’m sure he knows.

Why can’t Jacque Jones throw the baseball? Every time he winds up, he ends up firing the ball straight into the ground! It’d be infuriating if it weren?t so hysterical. Were the Cubs aware of this when they signed him? Have they even made an effort to work on it?, Hendry XIII

LEN: I wish I could give you an answer. I know Jacque is a hard worker. It’s just one of those things that keeps popping up unfortunately.

What’s more impressive? Neifi Perez’s agent accepting the two-year $5 million offer from Jim Hendry without jumping up and down and throwing confetti on both of them, or the Tigers agreeing to pay Neifi the rest of this year and all of next?, Dave D.

LEN: Look, it’s easy to dump on Neifi because of his lack of OBP. But, in all fairness, he’s a very good defensive player. On the right team, he’s a nice utility player to have. You just can’t count on him helping you offensively.

Guys, that was almost too easy. I always enjoy chatting. We’ll do it again down the road. Hope to see you all at Beat Kitchen on September 29 as my musical hero, Tommy Keene, comes to town. Check him out if you can. I also might catch Jet on the 25th.