Bernard would like to know who the Bears number two receiver is.  Probably Moose.
There are some things that just aren’t a good idea. Going clubbing with Steve Foley. Offering to ride shotgun with Mo Clarett. Guaranteeing a win against the Bears and talking about how “stupid” close you were to scoring 40 points.

So what was Roy Williams thinking when he made a guarantee that he had no chance of backing up? That the Bears weren’t going to be motivated enough without it?

Whatever his reason, what was clear was how “stupid” close the Lions were to 14 points. And to giving up 50.

In the span of two weeks, the national media have gone from, “I think Detroit is a good bet to win the NFC North” to “The Bears are the front-runners for the Super Bowl in the NFC.” It’s clear that the winds of change are fickle, and that the national media is just as clueless (if not moreso) than your average fan.

The most amazing stat of the day came early in the game, when, after Tank Johnson tore Jon Kitna’s arm off, Sam Rosen said that last year the Bears forced opening drive turnovers in five games.

Five of 16. In almost a third of their games, the Bears took the ball away from their opponent shortly after they got it. They’re at .500 so far this year.

The three most impressive teams in the early going this season are the Bears, the Ravens and the Chargers. All three have blown out their opponents. But the Bears haven’t had the luxury of loading up on University of California-Al Davis, like the others have. (Yes, I know, they’ve played the Packers and Lions, not exactly a pair of juggernauts.)

Most impressively is that the Bears’ defense has played well, even without Hunter Hillenmeyer.

Damnit, I tried to type that with a straight face, and was unable.

Hunter’s a comforting presence on the field. He’s always where he’s supposed to be. So what if any time the other team needs eight yards they just throw a screen pass to his side of the field? There are many kinds of comfort, bucko.

The real story with the Bears is the play of Rex Grossman. Coach Ditka was on ESPNews yesterday trying to point out that it should not be a surprise that Rex is good, considering he was a first round draft pick (uh…coach, so was Cade McNown) and had great numbers in college (uh…Gino Torretta?). But Coach made a good point. It’s not Rex’s talent that’s been in question (unlike Cade and Gino, Rex has what a mustacioed Peyton Manning in disguise would call a “Laser, rocket for an arm.”) Health is all that’s held Rex back. So far, so good.

To be fair, Ditka might have made even more sense if not for his lifelong habit of not finishing his sentences. So all I really got was…

“See gang, Rex was a first round draft… The kid’s got a lot of moxie and… You can find out all about it at my Web site, www.mikeditkawillsellanything…dot…”

The Bears offense is off to a great start, despite the fact that they really haven’t been able to run the ball. Thomas Jones had a few nice runs yesterday and Ced Benson had a great run where he turned Boss Bailey into a puddle, but otherwise all the damage has been done through the air.

The most impressive Bear yesterday wasn’t even Grossman, it was Bernard Berrian. Berrian made two great catches on the same drive at the end of the first and beginning of the second quarter. On a third down he hauled in a high pass from Rex and pulled it down and away from two defenders. Then on the long touchdown pass he made an incredible catch. You keep hearing Bears’ football experts (about as awe-inspiring as the faculty at one of the country’s finer clown colleges) talking about how the Bears need to find a number two receiver. Uh, maybe we found him, and he’s Muhsin Muhammed? Who says Bernard is number two? OK, you’re right, he probably is. I just enjoy being difficult.

Desmond Clark is off to a great start. I love it when players credit weight loss for their success. It’s got to be code for, “Yeah, I was fat last year, but I still had a year on my contract, so I didn’t bother to work out until this summer.”

John Gilmore is also becoming a household name, in fact, he’s on a first-name basis with both Sam Rosen and Muhsin Muhammed. Unfortunately for John, Sam thinks his first name is Brad and Moose thinks it’s Brian.

That was one of the better moments of the always awful Bears Locker Room Live on Comcast yesterday. Comcast has to know that sending William Jackson to interview players makes Lisa Guerrero’s Monday Night Football stint look like a Broadcast Hall of Fame exhibit.

Muhammed was being interviewed by Jackson and gave a lot of credit to “Brian Gilmore.” If Jackson’s thoughts were close captioned they would have immediately read:

WAIT, I THOUGH HIS NAME WAS JOHN. YEAH, IT IS. WAIT, MOOSE SHOULD KNOW THAT. IT MUST BE BRIAN. HAVE I BEEN CALLING HIM JOHN FOR TWO YEARS? WAIT, WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? JOHN TAIT? BRIAN JOHNSON? I HOPE MOOSE KEEPS TALKING BECAUSE I’M COMPLETELY LOST NOW.

Jackson then finished the interview by saying, “It has to feel good to get performances like that out of guys like (really long pause) Gilmore.” Tremendous. Well played. Move over Katie Couric.

Speaking of awful, Jerry Azumah is beyond horrible. His next original thought in the postgame will be his first. I’m not saying that job is easy, especially a guy who’s only been retired for like four months, but come on. Why have a panel of four guys if one of them is going to be completely terrible? If anything, Jerry’s peformance is making us pine for the glory days of Chris Zorich. Guh. If Zoom shows up next Sunday sitting at the desk waving a towel…well, that would make my day.

Let me put it another way. Right now, on the postgame, other than Pat Boyle, the best one is Richard Dent. Just think about that. Yeah, it’s that bad.

The Bears are 2-0. They’ve outscored their opponents 60-7. Everything is rolling. Their special teams are great, their offense is productive and we know the defense is studly. So, while we wait for the other shoe to drop, let’s take a quick, and snarky, tour of the other games.

Falcons 14, Bucs 3
The Falcons ran for 386 yards and only scored twice? What offense are they running, the wishbone? Who does Mike Vick have lining up behind him, Buster Rhymes and IM Hipp? At least the Falcons are 2-0. The Bucs are 0-2, Chris Simms is crying like a woman and they play the equally winless Panthers next week. 386? Are you kidding me? You can’t get 386 in Madden on EZ Play.

Bengals 34, Browns 17
Last week, Browns quarterback Charlie Frye hooked up with Braylon Edwards on a 74 yard pass, only to have it called back because of a holding penalty. Yesterday, he and Edwards hooked up for 75 and it counted. But it still wasn’t a touchdown. Baby steps, guys. Baby steps. Carson Palmer threw for 352 yards and two touchdowns, and you might not know this, but apparently he suffered some kind of injury in the playoffs last year. His recovery was apparently complete and, of course, inspirational. So if you know anybody with a torn ACL and they have the opportunity to rehab it 12 hours a day at a state of the art facility with no insurance cost to them…you should both be inspired, and be paid millions of dollars to throw an inflated leather ball to someone else wearing plastic body armor.

Saints 34, Packers 27
Green Bay used a pair of early Saints tournovers to take a 13-0 lead and everybody in the land of cheese was ecstatic. They were going to win that game and 14 more and shock the world. That lasted almost 15 minutes. Then, before the half, the Saints had a 14-13 lead and Green Bay was on their way to another home loss. Vaunted Lambeau Field is quite the home field advantage for the cheese turds. They rarely ever lose win there anymore. Because you want to know, and because every highlight show in America forgets to tell you. Reggie Bush finished the day with 73 yards from scrimmage and found a USC booster to pay to have him flown home from the game.

Fighting Peytons 43, Texans 24
America’s favorite TV commercial star threw for 400 yards (and honestly, his commercials are pretty funny) and the Texans continue to suck. For the second straight week, the guy the Texans didn’t draft number one outrushed the guy they did. This week it was only five yards to none though, so Mario Williams is closing the gap. Way to go, big fella! By the way, Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado led the Texans in rushing yards. If it wasn’t so absurd, it’d be hilarious.

Bills 16, Dolphins 6
The Dick Jauron led Bills continued their feisty early season play by upsetting the Dolphins in Miami. Jauron’s defense baffled Daunte Culpepper (not that it’s much of a trick, long division stumps Daunte), and he left the game a fumbling, interception tossing, limping mess. The Bills nearly upset the Patriots on the road last week (if only their quarterback knew that being tackled backwards onto the painted part of the field was bad), and are thisclose to a 2-0 start, on the road, in their division. Maybe Marv Levy’s not so senile after all. Or, maybe he is.

Vikings 16, Panthers 13
The thing about football is that you don’t pick up to start one season where you ended the other. Or maybe you do. The chic pick to win the NFC going into the season was the Panthers, who when last we saw them was following up a complete pantsing of our beloved Bears by laying a huge, boneheaded egg in Seattle in the NFC title game. They’ve played just as poorly, and dumb to start the 2006 season. Granted they are without the great Steve Smith, but come on. Nine minutes left in a game that your defense is dominating and you call for a punt return that includes a 30 yards-in-the-air lateral across the field from one punt returner to the other? Then the game gets tied when the kicker throws a TD pass against them? Who’s coaching the special teams? Gary Crowton? Wendell Kim? Bagwell from Prison Break? The Vikings offense has been lousy for two weeks and they’re 2-0. One of those things will be the same next week, other won’t. You’re smart. You’ll figure it out.

Giants 30, Eagles 24
While the Bears were finishing the Lions off in like an hour and a half, the Giants and Eagles played a nine hour game in Philly. The Eagles blew a 24-7 lead and missed a chance to not only grab first place by themselves in the NFC East, but also to kick the Giants season right in the nuts. Which, apparently is what Eagles kicker David Akers may or may not have tried to do to a Giants coach during the game. Just how fired up does a kicker have to get to pick a fight with the other team’s sideline? Even Todd Sauerbrun has yet to do that. Right? According to the media reports of the game, late in the game, the hand of God was seen to appear touching Eli Manning on the right arm and spurring the Giants on to victory. This cannot be true. As Bob Kraft is quick to tell everyone, God is a Pats fan.

Ravens 27, UC-Al Davis 6
There once was a time, a time before cable. When the NFL reigned supreme. And in Oakland, one man was more man then the rest. His name was Al Davis. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and (sweat)suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Al Davis was the balls. Now, Al is insane, the Raiders are laughingstock. I’m not a Raiders fan, and even I am outraged by this. This. This is awful.

Niners 20, Rams 14
For the most part, St. Louis Cardinals fans are Rams fans, now. So them losing, on the road, to the mess that still is the Niners is hilarious. Antonio Bryant and Arnaz Battle (yes, THAT Arnaz Battle) combined to catch more than 200 yards of passes against the Rams yesterday. Wow. That’s…that’s bad. Good news, though. The Rams managed to hold Frank Gore to 127 yards. Ouch.

Seahawks 21, Cardinals 10
“Everybody expects us to be the team that was in the Super Bowl,” running back Shaun Alexander said after a 21-10 win Sunday over Arizona. “This is only the second week. So I think we have a good, second-week offense instead of the team that walked into the Super Bowl.” Uhh, Shaun, that second week offense has been good for 30 points in two weeks. That’s not so good. The defening NFC Champs finished a second straight underwhelming week with a second straight underwhelming loss. Those are far better than underwhelming losses though. Just ask the Panthers.

Broncos 9, Chiefs 6
Wait, is Denver putting their balls in the humidore, too? Nine to six? Let’s pause for a moment while fantasy owners of Larry Johnson and Tony Gonzalez try to slit their wrists with pen caps. Larry at least ran for 126 yards. More than the 113 yards that the Anonymous Bells did for the Broncos. Besides, the Chiefs have an excuse (other than the fact that Herm Edwards is turning them into the 2005 Jets), their quarterback is currently eating his meals through a straw. What’s the Broncos excuse? Oh, that’s right. Jake Plummer’s deal with the devil ended about four minutes into last year’s AFC title game.

Patriots 24, Jets 17
The Patriots filed tampering charges against the Jets last week for something to do with the Patriots attempts to trade Deion Branch. Apparently we were supposed to care about this. We don’t. Instead, we spent the day looking at “young” Jets coach Eric Mangini trying to figure out how somebody this side of 40 gets that fat when they’re supposedly working 20 hours a day? This is a guy who allegedly reads bedtime stories to his kids through a video conferencing set-up at Jets camp. Here’s a tip, Eric. Mount the camera on the treadmill.

Chargers 40, Titans 7
The only team thrashing opponents more soundly than the Bears is the Chargers. But come on, it’s the Titans! They make the Lions look like the Otto Graham Browns. They pulled Kerry Collins out of an AA meeting two weeks ago and made him the starting quarterback. What’s next, Shawn Kemp will try out for the Bulls? As Gob Bluth would say, “Come on!” By the way, you know a blowout is severe when the backup running back runs for more than 100 yards. Even if he did play at the Harvard of the Midwest, Northern Illinois University.

Cowboys 27, Redskins 10
You watch the Redskins play offense (and “play” isn’t the right word) and you wonder just how awful backup quarterback Jason Campbell has to be if the Redskins will subject themselves to more and more Mark Brunell. I mean, Campbell is either Jonathan Quinn bad, or otherwise there’s no excuse. Why won’t they try him? Does he mock Joe Gibbs by wearing Kasey Kahne stuff around the practice facility? Does anybody know? Oh, and by the way, TO broke his finger in the game and could miss a month. Whoop de damned doo.