Satan hasn't even put on as much as a jacket yet.Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just happy that the Cubs opened up their circa 1982 wallet (I think we all heard the denim and velcro) and spent the gross national product of Ghana this offseason. It’s long overdue. Had they done it in a year when there were actually a lot of good free agents, it would have been even better. I’m just saying that while they look to be a lot better than they were last year, adding a batch of syphillitic monkeys would have improved that team to some extent.

We’ve got at least 12 days to debate whether the Bears should start TweedleRex or TweedleGriese, so today let’s focus on what (if anything) the Cubs accomplished from the day the World Series was cancelled for lack of interest until now.

October 1 — Andy MacPhail resigns as Cubs’ president
Ruining my Christmas present I’d already bought for my brother Jim (who likes to sit around wearing sweatervests and boat shoes pretending he has a yacht and is in charge of making the Cubs the most profitable second division team in the world), MacPhail announced something he’d apparently decided months earlier. That it was time for somebody else to paralyze the Cubs with indecision and a complete lack of balls.

Watching the guy who replaced him run around spending money like a crack whore with a gold card, I started to wonder if Andy’s family’s place in history always made him a little shy to buck up and spend the Cubs’ money like he should have. The MacPhail’s no doubt feel a responsibility to keep the game they’ve helped form stay in good shape, fiscally and otherwise. If that made him shy to go ahead and let the Cubs pay top dollar, it makes sense.

Wait, no it doesn’t. He gave Sammy Sosa a huge contract. Screw him. He’s just a big pussy. Good riddance.

October 2 — Cubs decline to extend Dusty Baker’s contract
Dusty can still say he’s never been fired, and the Cubs can say that that dumbass no longer works for them.  It’s a win-win.
October 17 — Cubs hire Lou Piniella as manager
Much to the chagrin of many douche bags who view the Cubs through amber hued glasses (and bleed apparently profusely and blue) the Cubs didn’t hire former Cub Joe Girardi, who managed to lose his job the year he won Manager of the Year in Florida. Instead they hired Lou Piniella. A guy who’s actually won a World Series and a guy who says the Cubs will be his last job. Probably because he knows it will kill him. Hey, you’ve got to like a guy with perspective. At his press conference Lou confuses north from south, “miracle” with “magnificent” and Larry Rothschild with competence. But the biggest groan he induced was when he said the Cubs had assured him they were going to spend money. We all had that “Oh, they’re so cute at this stage” contempt. Little did we know.

November 9 — Gerald Perry named hitting coach
The final member of Piniella’s coaching staff is hired and it turns out to be highly regarded hitting coach Gerald Perry. Highly regarded? Well, he’s done a good job at other places, but highly regarded by me because he once punched Dave Duncan before a game. How can you not get behind that?

On the same day, the Cubs re-sign Wade Miller who came back from shoulder surgery to nearly throw 85 miles per hour in 2006. Look out pennant!

November 10 — Carlos Zambrano wins Silver Slugger
In typical Cubs’ fashion their best pitcher is the best at what pitchers are worst at. Not that Carlos didn’t deserve the award. He was the Cubs’ second most dangerous hitter in 2006, and the most dangerous since Ricky Gutierrez was throwing his bat into the third base stands four times a week.

November 12 — Cubs re-sign E-ramis and Wood
At one point on November 12 we all groaned at the news that the Cubs had botched the E-ramis Ramirez contract negotiations so badly that he was officially free to sign with any team. Knowing that Arte Moreno had a stack of pesos to throw at Ramirez, we all braced for the Wes Helms era at third base. Then, incredibly word had come that E-ramis turned down a chance for more money to stay with the Cubs. Granted, he’s still getting a shitload of cash, but in the end he chose the Cubs over the Angels, largely because he enjoys having his Octobers free.

The same day, the Cubs re-signed beloved righty Kerry Wood (beloved?) to an incentive laden contract that will either have Ryan Dempster fearing for his job, or the training staff wondering if they can start buying ice by the truckload. The plan, for now, is to have Kerry pitch one inning stints in middle relief, with an eye on turning him into the ass kickingest set-up man since the days when John Wetteland was being caddied by some Mariano dude. But we’d just be happy to see Kerry’s arm still attached and functioning when summer rolls around.

October 14 — Mark DeRosa signs to block Ryan Theriot
The most pleasant surprise of the end of the abysmal 2006 season was the play of rookie second baseman Ryan Theriot. He got on base, he stole bases, he drew walks. He did all of this so efficiently that the Cubs put a stop to it by overpaying a glorified utility infielder who turned two hot months in Texas into $12 million. I spent two hot months in Texas once. I didn’t leave with $12 million. I left with food poisoning and herpes.

November 15 — Hank White named backup catcher for life
In a move applauded by all, the Cubs announced that Henry Blanco had signed a lifetime deal to remain the backup catcher for the Cubs. The only stipulation was that Hank has to install a satellite dish on Bo Diaz’s widow’s home before he reports to spring training.

November 16 — Cubs trade Dave Aardsma to the White Sox for Neal Cotts
The Cubs traded one of their arsenal of hard throwing (not necessarily strike throwing) righthanders to the White Sox for a lefty reliever cheaper and better than either the Scrabble geek or fat guy they currently have. This makes sense, only if Cotts has Tommy John surgery on Valentine’s Day.

November 17 — Sharon Pannozzo flies off on broomstick
Leaving behind a pile of empty Scope bottles and her Rainbow Warriors jersey.

November 20 — Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano
Jim Hendry announced the signing of Soriano, the best free agent on the market, by wearing a Napoleonic era French naval costume and announcing, “The days of fucking around here are over!” He didn’t, but he might as well have. In one move the Cubs shut up a whole host of morons (me included) who bleated that they’d never sack it up and get the best player on the market…ever. They may have given Soriano too many years and too much money, but who cares? For one day, the Cubs acted like the big market bigfoots they always pretended not to be. For the second time in eight days they took a big steamer in Arte Moreno’s Cheerios and outbid him for the offensive savior he was targeting. The move also made the most ineffectual every-day player in the NL expendable (you know who you are, Jock), and the scorch marks on the free agent market scared the GMs of the Cubs main rivals (Kenny and Walt) right out of the running for any free agents of note.

Now that’s a signing.

December 5 — Ryne Sandberg named manager of Class A Peoria
Captain Magnetism is off to the Midwest League to apprentice with 18 and 19 year olds as he figures out if he really wants to be a big league manager some day. You don’t have to be exciting or colorful to be a good manager, which is good, because Ryne is neither.

December 7 — Freddie Bynum traded to Baltimore
Most people take their trash to the curb once a week and pay a fee to have it hauled away. The Cubs send theirs to Baltimore. Just pile Freddie on LaTroy, Corey and Sammy. Thanks.

December 7 — Jim Hendry’s heart stops, Cubs sign Ted Lilly
Can you blame him? You eat nothing but pork rinds and sticks of butter for eight years straight, then give $40 million to a 59-58 career pitcher and your heart would need a Roto-rooter job, too. From a hospital room, Hendry closes the deal on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. When the rest of the free agent pitchers sign, Lilly’s deal looks like a bargain (well, sort of) as he gives off that Jamie Moyer “guy who’ll be far better in his 30s than he was in his 20s vibe.”

December 15 — Daryle Ward signs with Cubs
Filling the void of fat, lefty backup first baseman that had remained since the days of Randall Simon, the Cubs signed Daryle Ward. Hey, somebody needs to wear the pants that Jerome Williams left in the clubhouse.

December 19 — Cubs sign Jason Marquis
Capping (so far) an offseason of great promise, the Cubs take $21 million and three years of our lives and set them on fire as they sign Cardinals’ cast off Jason Marquis to round out their pitching staff. Marquis pitched for the team insisting they won the World Series, but couldn’t crack the postseason roster and nearly sabotaged their playoff qualification with a pair of disastrous starts in the final week of the regular season. Further frustrating the transaction was the idea that a side session with Rothschild in Florida fixed Marquis’ problems, and that the Cubs have three pitchers on their staff who are all better options in the outfield offensively than Jock Jones.

The only upside to this move is the off-chance that Marquis is good at some point during his tenure in Chicago, proving that Cardinals’ pitching coach Dave Duncan is a complete fraud.

So here we are, six weeks from the opening of spring training and the Cubs are better than last year, though not likely good enough.  They’ve still got a few moves left.  They’re hell bent on signing Cliff Floyd so he can hang out in the whirlpool, and they want to trade Jock.  Three hundred million dollars have been committed since the ’06 season mercifully ended.  Dusty Baker is off to ESPN to spread his unique brand of senselessness.   Cesar Izturis is going to play shortstop in Chicago, Ronny Cedeno in Iowa.  Mark Prior’s ready to snap a few towels in Mesa.  In many ways they’re the same old Cubs.  But in many more, they aren’t.  They’re more aggressive (maybe carelessly so), more desperate, and altogether more interesting.  If you could convince yourself that they intend to keep it up, this is a strategy that will eventually pay off.

This is progress.  No matter how small.