Holy hell. I’ve been reading the nonsense Dolan and you idiots have going over here the past couple of days. I have to tell you, I hate what I’m seeing. You guys think you’re clever? Clever my ass! I see these poor saps on your message board getting called douches right away! What the hell is that? And who the hell is Paul? And what the hell is “teh”? This place gives me a headache.
But I was asked to do your little “Dose” on Fridays. Maybe what you all need is a dose of reality, so here you go. You’re a bunch of f@#$ing nerds! Ha ha haaa! Ah, man. It hurts when I laugh sometimes.
Are you guys trying to be different by stopping at 1908 posts? Or 1989? Or 1984? Or 1969? Or whatever the hell loser year you losers are stopping at? I see all the kids at the other message boards have, like, 35,000 posts. What’s that say about you guys? Well, probably that you have tans, for one thing.
Ah, I’m just giving you guys shit. Honestly, I respect the fact you guys are even f@#$ing crankier than I am, even if you are a bunch of self-congratulatory bunch of one-uppers. No rays of sunshine over on this site. No, sir. I guess it makes sense, what with you guys getting used to almost 100 years of disappointment. What’s it like experiencing them all firsthand, Stew? Ha ha ha! Yeah, I’ve been taking notes.
So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to be here for the next couple of Fridays, covering for Kermit’s hungover ass, who’s covering for Dolan’s lazy ass, who’s covering the internet with idiocy. And if you do mind, make like an opposing hitter and take a f@#$ing walk. Ha ha! You guys suck.
- Remember how Kermit JUST YESTERDAY said that Miller was the front runner for the fifth starter? Remember how 90% of what comes out of his mouth is bullshit? Yeah, so was that. Commissioner Gordon says that Neil Cotts is the frontrunner for the fifth spot. Ha ha! Why doesn’t someone just f@#$ing ask me who the frontrunner is? Pussies.
- There’s always room for pie (especially if you have a room dedicated to storing pie, like Hendry does), but Commissioner Gordon says there’s no room for Pie with Murton, Soriano, and Jones in the outfield. I didn’t realize in Chicago that you guys let the f@#$ing media run the team. That’s
interestingqueer. - I didn’t even read the latest idiotic “Tribune on Trial” installment, but Dallas Green is the interviewee in this one. I hope the Trib runs a “Sun-Times is Covered in Anthrax” series after this one is over.
- We won again yesterday. I’m sure you boners all had erections when Hank White (real clever, assholes) threw out a guy stealing and picked a guy off first. Don’t get too excited, though. That retarded kid Barrett is going to start 80% of the games, and I’m not big on pitchers having personal catchers. Or personal hygiene. Stay away from Marquis’ locker. Trust me.
- If you’re worried about our starting rotation, look at the Royals, who are considering putting Todd Wellemeyer into their rotation. Good God.
- The Muskrat reports that Miller sucked, but he feels fine, and he looked suckier than he actually was. You know what would have been simpler? Putting the headline “Miller Sucked; We’re F@#$ed,” with no article underneath it.
- Kerry Wood continues to make his inevitable season-ending injury all that much more heartbreaking. It looked like he’ll soon be back to his old ways of beaning batters while they’re swinging and missing. In other news, does anyone else find it pathetic that you Cubs fans are so starved for success that you’re happy when a guy pitches an inning and gives up a grannie? Losers.
Well, that’s all for me. I don’t care if you enjoyed it, because you read it, which means I get paid in Desipio stock. And Uncle Lou has some gambling debts he needs to take care of. Chumps.
-Lou
Shut up, Paul. You’e a douche.
This will not end well. Hell, this won’t even start well. What the crap are these people thinking?
I’m a MACHINE!
Lou:
Go over to Bleed Cubbie Bleu. They’ll love your attitude.
Lou, you are going to love Desipio stock. Every time it hits one it splits. Still waiting for that first split.
I’m not math major, but if Barrett catches 80 percent of the time, doesn’t that mean that Hank gets one start every turn through the rotation? In order to get Michael regular rest wouldn’t that mean that Hank will probably end up catching the same guy most of the time.
Oh, wait, these are the Cubs, I forgot, only Carlos actually makes every start, that’s why unless it’s him, you can never have a personal catcher.
Never mind.
As for covering the Internet with my idiocy (which is true, by the way), Desipio turns TEN years old on July 24. In human years we’re so old, we’re “Piniella.”
Actually, the ten years thing just depressed me. Karry!?! Get me a drink.
Lou, you exagerate. I have not experienced the entire 100 years of losing. I had to stay home to watch the kids during the flu epidemic in 1918.
I support the flu epidemic of 1918!
You’re right Lou. I do suck!
karma-karma-karma-chameleon
Christ ten years? 1997?
Hi my name is Mike and I’ve been a desipiot since 2003.
Kudos to you. No shit that’s old in interweb years. How old was BC back then, seven?
I’ve been a desipiot since 2001. I caught the bug sometime midway through the magical 2001 season, during the days of the Fred McGriff Hostage Crisis (the hostage crisis when he decided eating ass in Tampa would be better than eating ass for a first place team up here).
I’m confused. Andy just reads the dose now and makes wise cracks in the comments section like the rest of us? And he’s still the primary shareholder of desipio stock? Sweet deal. as in Sweet Lou. As in Lou Piniella. As in Ella Fitzgerald! As in Scoo ba dee bop bap a doo waaah. Sha ZAM! Oh man, I’m getting dizzy…“843q9pppppppppppppppppp578999999997a¨ å•å´m,,,,m.m (PASSES OUT ON KEYBOARD)