Holy hell. I’ve been reading the nonsense Dolan and you idiots have going over here the past couple of days. I have to tell you, I hate what I’m seeing. You guys think you’re clever? Clever my ass! I see these poor saps on your message board getting called douches right away! What the hell is that? And who the hell is Paul? And what the hell is “teh”? This place gives me a headache.

But I was asked to do your little “Dose” on Fridays. Maybe what you all need is a dose of reality, so here you go. You’re a bunch of f@#$ing nerds! Ha ha haaa! Ah, man. It hurts when I laugh sometimes.

Are you guys trying to be different by stopping at 1908 posts? Or 1989? Or 1984? Or 1969? Or whatever the hell loser year you losers are stopping at? I see all the kids at the other message boards have, like, 35,000 posts. What’s that say about you guys? Well, probably that you have tans, for one thing.

Ah, I’m just giving you guys shit. Honestly, I respect the fact you guys are even f@#$ing crankier than I am, even if you are a bunch of self-congratulatory bunch of one-uppers. No rays of sunshine over on this site. No, sir. I guess it makes sense, what with you guys getting used to almost 100 years of disappointment. What’s it like experiencing them all firsthand, Stew? Ha ha ha! Yeah, I’ve been taking notes.

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to be here for the next couple of Fridays, covering for Kermit’s hungover ass, who’s covering for Dolan’s lazy ass, who’s covering the internet with idiocy. And if you do mind, make like an opposing hitter and take a f@#$ing walk. Ha ha! You guys suck.

• Remember how Kermit JUST YESTERDAY said that Miller was the front runner for the fifth starter? Remember how 90% of what comes out of his mouth is bullshit? Yeah, so was that. Commissioner Gordon says that Neil Cotts is the frontrunner for the fifth spot. Ha ha! Why doesn’t someone just f@#$ing ask me who the frontrunner is? Pussies.
• There’s always room for pie (especially if you have a room dedicated to storing pie, like Hendry does), but Commissioner Gordon says there’s no room for Pie with Murton, Soriano, and Jones in the outfield. I didn’t realize in Chicago that you guys let the f@#$ing media run the team. That’s interesting queer.
• I didn’t even read the latest idiotic “Tribune on Trial” installment, but Dallas Green is the interviewee in this one. I hope the Trib runs a “Sun-Times is Covered in Anthrax” series after this one is over.
• We won again yesterday. I’m sure you boners all had erections when Hank White (real clever, assholes) threw out a guy stealing and picked a guy off first. Don’t get too excited, though. That retarded kid Barrett is going to start 80% of the games, and I’m not big on pitchers having personal catchers. Or personal hygiene. Stay away from Marquis’ locker. Trust me.
• If you’re worried about our starting rotation, look at the Royals, who are considering putting Todd Wellemeyer into their rotation. Good God.
• The Muskrat reports that Miller sucked, but he feels fine, and he looked suckier than he actually was. You know what would have been simpler? Putting the headline “Miller Sucked; We’re F@#$ed,” with no article underneath it.
• Kerry Wood continues to make his inevitable season-ending injury all that much more heartbreaking. It looked like he’ll soon be back to his old ways of beaning batters while they’re swinging and missing. In other news, does anyone else find it pathetic that you Cubs fans are so starved for success that you’re happy when a guy pitches an inning and gives up a grannie? Losers.

Well, that’s all for me. I don’t care if you enjoyed it, because you read it, which means I get paid in Desipio stock. And Uncle Lou has some gambling debts he needs to take care of. Chumps.

-Lou

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