July 24, 1997 was a special day in America. The Cubs were red hot (they started a nine game losing streak that day) and headed for fifth place. The Bears were headed for Ireland of all damned places to play a preseason football game. Michael Jordan was still a Bull. Lindsay Lohan was 11…and drunk off her ass.
On that day, in this little corner of Al Gore’s electronic brainchild, a talent-starved hack learned how to publish himself one of those Web page things.
It started out as a site called Balls! (I just kept waiting for Graig Nettles to sue…but come on, that dumbass can’t even spell Greg, he’s going to sue me?) It was hosted awkwardly on a server at the University of Illinois. Then it moved over to the now defunct Rotoball Web site. Eventually, the site got a new name and a new location, and Americans by the millions came to ignore Desipio.com.
OK, you ask, why is it called Desipio? Is that even a word? Is it a name? Why am I talking in all questions, in what appears to be “second person?”
I wanted to continue to call the site Balls!, but www.balls.com was taken. (Now it appears to be run by someone who hates President Bush and can’t spell.) The owners at the time wanted hundreds of thousands of dollars for the name. I offered hundreds of thousands of lira. A desperate Web search for something clever came up with a Latin word that loosely translated to “to make an ass of one’s self.” Desipio. Perfect.
Over the years the site evolved (for a while we had a news section and an entertainment section) then de-evolved back into what it is now. We added a messageboard in 2001 that died a horrible, ignored, lonely death, then brought it back in late 2004 and work productivity at companies all over the Midwest, the country and the world has never been worse. I’m proud of that.
We’ve seen some interesting things. The final days of the Jordan Dynasty. The Sammy Sosa-Rod Beck ’98 Cubs. The joy and disaster of 2003. The Bears went to the freakin’ Super Bowl. We’ve gotten hate mail from Rob Neyer, a guy claiming to be Chip Caray’s former roommate, Dan McNeil, Peggy Kusinski, and Jock Florentine’s mother.
We were the first to find out that Kyle Farnsworth’s 2004 foot injury was caused by him punting a baseball in the bullpen before a game, we found out before anybody else that announcer Dave O’Brien would not be allowed out of his ESPN contract to take the Cubs’ job (because Dave O’Brien told us) and we once planted a phony Nomar Garciaparra trade rumor that ended up on WGN radio and “The Mighty XX” sports radio in San Diego within hours.
 We’ve handed out more nicknames that have actually stuck than Hawk Harrelson could shake a swizzle stick at. We’ve had an unhealthy obsession with shitty Cubs’ catchers, from a detoxing Todd Hundley to Gabor Bako to the creation of the world famous Hank White Fan Club to our new favorite, Koyie Dolan Hill. We turned on Michael Barrett and we’re pretty sure it was the final straw that forced Jim Hendry to trade him. Hey, a guy can dream, right?
 We never liked Dave Wannstedt, we tried to like Dusty Baker and we love crazy old Lou Piniella. We were the first to spot Bill Self’s toupee, we’ve been mentioned on national radio by Tony Kornheiser (and I actually heard it) and Steve Czaban (read it on his blog) and Dan LeBatard damn near got me a job writing for ESPN.com.
We’ve signed autographs with Bob Dernier for drunken Cubs Conventioners. Many of our former posters (Kelly Dwyer, Drew Lawrence, Jake Luft, etc.) have gone on to far better journalistic careers than I have. You bastards! I hate you all!
We called Chad Ford a shaved possum, we stuck Rob Neyer with a Flannel Boy nickname that still gets used by his “peers” long after his column photo stopped showing his flannel. We enjoyed the news, way too much, that Rob Goldman had been chatting up a sheriff’s department deputy who he thought was a 14 year old girl. We wrote a piece of literature called “The Front Office” that was destined to become a hugely successful TV show, except that it wasn’t really that funny and we stopped doing it.
We hated Joe Morgan long before it was fashionable. We’ve helped fill Barry Rozner’s increasingly infrequent columns with nonsensical onliners. We picked a fight with Alex Kaseberg for no reason than he just wasn’t as funny as we thought he ought to be.
Our Gamecasts are still the funniest and best in all the land, and we perfected the art of posting inane things while pretending to be the players or managers or celebrities. Everybody does it now. But we still do that better.
We’ve spawned dozens of imitators, some of whom do a good job, most of whom do not. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. They are full of crap.
It’s really been 10 years? You have to remember what the Internet was in 1997. It was nothing. How did we not round up a ton of investment capital, go public, tank and go bankrupt? How did we miss out on the dream? They could have made a shitty Amanda Peet-Ashton Kutcher movie about US! Oh, well.
There were times when it seemed pointless and that it all just needed to end. But for now, the end isn’t in sight.
Thanks to you, the home reader, for allowing me to try to “entertain” you for at least part of the past decade. Desipio’s always been a place where the readers are at least as funny as the writer.
Thanks to all of you, and those of you who have contributed over the years, like BC and Jake and John M and all the rest.
Here’s to ten more!
Well, at least two or three.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I love you Desipio Man…
whoever you are.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Mazel tov on 10. Gotta make it three more years for the Desipio Bar Mitzvah and you can retire a man.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
It’s been great! Nice to know that there are so many of US out there!
July 24th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Chuck, do you want to go halfsies on a fountain pen?
July 24th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Congratulations, besides being the only site I ever need, its the only site i read every day. Maybe the Cubs will start a nine game winning streak in your honor (aw, who am I kidding).
July 24th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Yeah, Desipio is pretty amazing/hilarious. I just started reading within the last several months and it’s been a lot of fun. I absolutely love the game threads and first person posts.
Speaking of, any chance we can get one tomorrow night for the Deadbirds game?
July 24th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I’m glad the messageboard’s new sole purpose is to argue about Michael Barrett.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
You can’t see me but I’m waving and flapping in the wind. Because a winner is us for having found Desipio.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
For old times sake…
July 24th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Test
July 24th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
A friend of mine e-mailed a cut and paste job of some post in early 2003 about the Satanic Fowl and I laughed so hard I sweat through my shirt. You try going to a meeting after that. That was the day I gave up being professional.
Since then — and through all of the iterations and such — I’ve returned, if only to find others who are as stupid about the Cubs as I am and 10 times as hilarious.
I’ve tried my hand — yes, both actually — at this type of thing but paled and failed in comparison.
Desipio is kind of like Vic’s Vacant Lot. But without Vic Braden’s inappropriate short shorts and striped tube socks.
Then again…
July 24th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Congrats. And what did Kornheiser say about you?
July 24th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Thats when i started reading this crap. When you broke the news on the broken foot. Well done.
Oh. And you would be remiss if you forgot my all time favorite Desipio phrase…
**** YOU CHUCK
July 24th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Where’s BC at?
And what about the all-ugly Cubs team? With Jason Kendall’s hideous goatee and batting average in the fold, it needs to make a comeback.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Happy Anniversary all you sick bastards!
July 24th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Somewhere, Chip Caray is crying.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2947484
Cue the wedding photo.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
I knew this site had legs when I saw it was up and running back in ’97. It hasn’t been a walk in the park but somehow Desipio got a leg up on the competition.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
You heel!
July 24th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Happy birthday.
Morans.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
+ 1,000,000,000 (times better)
July 24th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
I was also led here by The Roz’ mention of the Farnsworth punting in his column. Most of the people around here are the kind of guys you’d like to hang out and have a beer with. The rest of ‘em come and go like the wind. It’s one of the first sites I visiti each day and I can attest to the drop in work productivity. What the hell, they’re only convicts.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Thanks for the pizza, Andy. You’re one class act.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
This is pretty much the only site i’ve read for the last 5 years.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Peggy Kusinski wrote you, but Julie Swieca never did?
July 24th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
I couldn’t recruit well 10 years ago when you first started. I won’t be able to recruit & still be playing the likes of Idaho State 10 years from now when you will still be going strong. Congratulations.
Cue mouthbreathing shot.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Happy Birthday you old lug. May the many more years of Cubbie ineptness provide you much fodder for you pages, and may we all continue to comment on them accordingly.
And Andy, I’m just assuming, but I’m glad that you programmed this website using html so that it could be read by Mosaic by someone using PrairieNet.
Yep, I’m in Des Moines now, but I grew up in Urbana, and I can even remember balls. Congrats, Andy. Keep up the good work.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Bring back the Rally Carp. And the “Daily” Dose. It used to be the highlight of my pathetic days. I’m much happier now but that doesn’t mean my life couldn’t be about a billion times more valuable than I’m giving it credit for if I had a Dose to read every day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a salad to devour.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
I stumbled over Desipio several years ago and suggested to some folks on a Yahoo message board that they check it out. At least two did. One called himself “Forklift” and the other referred to himself as “The Uncouth Sloth”. I sincerely apologize to you all. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Daily Doses. Any chance that they actually reappear someday….and daily? I used to get all of my morning links from this site. I really really miss it, and Desipio, while still funny and awesome, is a shell of its former self without it.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Been posting for years under all sorts of names however Cho – Time may be my worst selection ever. Never before have I received the level of true hatred from Desipio fans than when I used Cho time…for that I apologize. Heres to me changing my ways……and to Andy who runs one of the sharpest sites on the web. Lets also not forget Andy calling out Sosa well before the national media began to see through his act…never did like that phoney. Well done Andy here is to 10 more years…..
July 24th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
…we do hate you!…
July 24th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
The melancholy tone had me worried at first. Thankfully Desipio dosen’t have an exit strategy.
July 24th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Terrific, you have some anniversary or something. Now obey the restraining order and stop flooding my inbox. Thanks.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
spelled backwards is:
sraey 01
July 24th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Happy Birthday To Desipio!
Keep doin’ what’cher doin’, Dolan. You got the best site around. That ain’t so humiliating, now is it?
Desipio — Now More Than Ever.
July 24th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
I’ll always have the first reply.
Maybe I shoulda put more thought into it. Or something.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Hi my name is Mike and I’ve been a Desipiot since May, 2003.
Thank you, Andy, for having this place. I cringe when I think about the days where I had to defend my hatred of Sweet Swingin’ Roosevelt Brown against a raging army of asshats at the chicagosports.com Cubs board (or was it cubs.com? I honestly can’t remember) back in 2002.
Cheers. And here’s to another decade.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Yeah, I may have been drinking, but it has been a fun website over the 6+ years that I’ve been reading. I am glad I donated 3 dollars about 3 years ago when Andy made that sales pitch. $3 more, 3 years from now, no problem.
Keep on spelling players’ names incorrectly. I’ll be watching.
Love,
Kurt
July 24th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Ten Years. Ten?
Pshaw. Talk to me when you get to a HUNDRED, pal.
July 24th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Few have made me laugh loudly from reading internet crap. You, however, succeeded in a fashion no other could match. Happy birthday, Dolan, and read it however you wish.
July 25th, 2007 at 5:59 am
spelled backwards is:
O I pised
July 25th, 2007 at 6:35 am
Happy 10th anniversary/birthday. Morans.
I had the Desipio wallpaper on a PC for a couple years…bon temps.
July 25th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Happy birthday. Morans.
We need a new Desipio 10th Anniversary wallpaper.
July 25th, 2007 at 8:49 am
The only site I’ll ever need when I’m looking to be called a douche.
Happy Birthday to you
July 25th, 2007 at 9:14 am
In honor of 10 years, I’m going let Slaky bone me.
July 25th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Wow. Ten years…where does the time go? Ten years ago, I was just some boy band member looking to turn on some 14 year old girls and hide my erections when Justin and JC wrestled in their underwear on the tour bus. Now I’m the gay ex-boy band guy that wants to go into space and can’t even get an appearance on Dancing with the Stars. I mean, seriously, they let JOEY get on there. He’s, like, so ugly. I’d never kiss him. And he totally wanted me to, once. Don’t tell him I told you that. LOL…I’m off topic, Desipio. My point is that it’s now ten years later and things are different. My how the times have changed. Happy Birthday, Desipio! If you ever go into space and have an extra seat, then give me a call. You’ve got my number (which you apparently don’t want to use).
July 25th, 2007 at 9:54 am
ten years long time!
oog average lifespan nine
July 25th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap!
July 25th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Have you received Birthday wishes from Len yet?
July 25th, 2007 at 11:06 am
About 4 years ago, I stumbled on a Cubs season preview breaking down the Cubs position by position. I nearly soiled myself laughing when Lenny Harris was described as looking like he ate Mike Brumley and Paul Noce. That led me to Desipio and I’ve been a regular visitor ever since. Thanks for a lot of laughs, Andy!
July 25th, 2007 at 11:12 am
We share a birthday? Wow. I’m tired.
July 25th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Now get off your lazy ass and started cranking out the Daily Dose on a Daily Basis!
Love ya!
July 25th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
I waved bye bye bye to ham wallets on this very site.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Thank you for putting me on the all time great editing blunder’s list.
July 25th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I am what Desipio is every time you enter the web address hoping there will at least be a game thread posted.
July 25th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Hapy burfday!
…Buddy!
July 25th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I came to the site after reading this book. (Yes I read a book. We’re not all idiots here) I have to say it has helped me get through some seriously mundane days at the office. It even made Gameday fun instead of my last resort. Keep up the good work and let’s see if we can get that Asshole Catcher out of the booth now that there isn’t one on the field. See you in the game threads. Go Cubs Go!
July 25th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
I always wondered what the hell desipio was for or what it meant. I usually post under players names for humor(which when others do it I think it is hysterical) I’d like to know what was said in the hatemail..keep up the good work!
July 25th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
LEN!!!!
July 25th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
I just gave a shoutout to desipio.com
palabra
July 25th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
You owe me for that shout-out…
July 25th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
i was mentioned
July 25th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
I love Len Kasper more with every day. Kasper + Stone: Make it so!
July 25th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Screw you Frisco Boy (#60). Me and Len are the best team in this town since Vince Lloyd and Lou Boudreau on WGN-AM.
July 26th, 2007 at 10:01 am
I’m with you, Bob. I hope you never get another manager’s job. In a good way.
July 26th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Happy B’lated! Thank you for being there! I stumbled upon this place 2 or 3 years ago, so I’m relatively new. I always get a laugh out of this place and often get edumacated too. The gameday threads are the absolute best. BTW, are you holding a gun in that picture? Cool. Onward…
July 26th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Happy 10th Desipio. Here’s to another decade of lost productivity. This site is the balls and I’m glad it’s here.
July 26th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Andy,
Take it from a guy who writes for a wesbite called, “guy.com”
Balls.com would have been brutal. Be grateful that whatever asshat sat on the domain didn’t sell it to you.
July 26th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
wait, you guys really think Brenly is a good color-man? I imagine this is the same crowd who enjoy’s Tim McCarver’s flair-for-the-obvious.
July 26th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
My favorite site! Happy tenth. Russ
July 26th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Brenly’s a good color-man, yes. If you wanna argue about it, then start a thread on the message board. This is a place for celebrating 10 years of words and other stuff.
Yeah, I’m determined to get the last word. I’m gonna keep checkin’. Never forget, Desipio Man.
July 26th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Hah, fair enough. Happy bday D!
July 26th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Please don’t relegate all the wonderful comments about how good I am in the booth to the message board. This is where the good stuff is and where I deserve to be crucified in front of everyone. I do suck and Len blows.
July 27th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
word
July 28th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I guess it is true that even whores, politicians and ugly buildings get respectable with age.
Congrats, Andy, you sarcastic, caustic pain-in-my-Google-ass. Now I know you don’t like my stuff, but you are not alone. There is a really annoying humorless snotty French writer who hates me too. Viva la Cubs.
And Bob Brinly is great and anyone who doesn’t think so is a big ol’ bag of douche.
Alex Kaseberg
July 28th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Hey, where is my good buddy DC Exile? ANY luck getting another HIGH profile EDITING job? Those snotty publishers just DON’T appreciate effective use of CAPS anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Notice the clever use of exlamation marks for emphasis? Wow, I am good)
July 28th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I meant exclamation. Maybe DC is right, I do suck.
July 30th, 2007 at 7:41 am
Maybe.