Hey Derrek, nice beard!  Hey Jim, nice....uh...tits!

I always imagine that the first day of spring training has to be a lot like the first day of school. You get new clothes, you are a little nervous, you meet your new classmates, and one of you wets his pants.

Every year baseball teams overturn their rosters, and it’s hard to keep up with who the new kids are. So, as a public service to you, we’ve put together a cheat sheet so you can remember who’s who on the Cubs this year.

Derrek Lee, first base — He won the batting title in 2005 and in 2006 his season was cut terribly short when he was run over by a drunk driver near first base in Dodger Stadium. He got suspended last year for a fight in which he never actually landed a punch. He’s grown a beard this year, but really, we’d just like to see him hit a ball that doesn’t bounce off the bottom of the basket this season.

E-ramis Ramirez, third base — He enjoys playing third base, mainly because the jog from the dugout is so short. He spent the offseason fighting cocks in the Dominican, and that is as bad as it sounds, no matter what you think it means.

Mark DeRosa, second base — On SportsCentral Monday night, Cubs radio analyst Ron Santo gave an impassioned plea for the Cubs to not take the second base job away from this guy. It was pretty persuasive…until Ron started referring to him as “LaRosa.” Last year he went blind for a few days, this year his heart nearly exploded. He is the most popular Cub of all time and even the suggestion of upgrading at his position causes people to weep.

Alfonso Soriano, left field — As if paying him the gross national product of Luxembourg wasn’t enough, now the Cubs have lengthened the warning track in left so that Alfonso can pull up even sooner and turn outs into doubles. Hey, he usually throws the guy out at home a batter or two later, but still…

Ryan Theriot, shortstop — He’s cute as a button, teenage girls love him and when have they ever been wrong? (Leif Garrett’s parole officer has an idea.)

Kosuke Fukudome, right field — Most of the excitement over his signing had to do with the fact he has “fuck you” right there in his name. From what we’ve heard, he was a great player in Japan. Then again, those Godzilla movies were supposed to be good, too. And so was the Sega Saturn.

Geovany Soto, catcher — He won the Pacific Coast League MVP award last year, which menas he’s a superstar in the making. Just like former PCL MVPs like Scott McClain (2006), Andy Green (2005), Dan Johnson (2004), Graham Koonce (2003), Rob Quinlan (2002), Phil Hiatt (2001), Jose Ortiz (2000) and Calvin Murray (1999).

Felix Pie, centerfield — He was an excellent player at every level he’s played at, except for the big leagues. Is that a problem?

Carlos Zambrano, #1 starter — Said he wanted to be a Cub for life in spring training, resigned himself to leaving as a free agent at the end of spring training, got rocked in the opener…again…punched Michael Barrett repeatedly, went on a roll, started struggling again, got $90 million to stay, went on another roll, pitched well in the playoffs, but left after six innings so he could start game four. We’re still waiting for game four. Otherwise, not much happened to Carlos last year.

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, #2 starter — Conspicuously missing a lower tooth right in the middle. Pitched great in the regular season, pitched terribly in the playoffs and spiked his glove into the mound after a particularly egregious pitch. May or may not have murdered several young women and stashed them in a freezer in his basement. Hey, I said “may not.”

Ryan Dempster, assclown — Annoying gas bag who thinks he’s far funnier than he is and that terrible Harry Caray impression he does stinks on ice. He was an adequate closer for a couple of years and wants to go back to being a league average starting pitcher.

Rich Hill, #3 starter — He’ll take the fourth spot in the rotation to keep him and Lilly from starting back to back, but he’s the third best starter on the team. He is of questionable testicular fortitude. He reads self help books. His hair is a bouffant that Chris Isaak would have thought ridiculous in the mid-90s. He has a great curveball.

Jason Marquis, perennial loser — Has great first halves and terrible second halves. This year the plan is to have him in the rotation until mid June then have him hit by a runaway city bus.

Kerry Wood, bullpen guy — Beloved Cub righthander who will be given every opportunity to be the closer. Why? Because it’d be fucking cool as hell, that’s why. His next injury will likely be his last. And probably is due for mid May.

Scott Eyre, fat guy — He’s really just lazy, really.

Bob Howry, “closer?” — Most efficient Cubs reliever from about June on last year. He’ll probably be the closer this year, and if not he’ll pitch the eighth inning. He doesn’t throw hard for like the first six weeks of the season. That’s probably something he should fix.

Carlos Marmol, stud — Funky delivery, filthy stuff, huge ears.

Ginger Murton, fourth outfielder — Good solid hitter, not a lot of power, but probably enough to be useful. He’s a terrible defensive outfielder and a completely inept baserunner. If your softball team needs a rover, Matt’s your man.

Sam Fuld, God among men — His next big league hit will be his first. It’s likely that his tears cure cancer.

Hank White, backup catcher — The perfect second catcher. Handsome, suave and charming, he keeps his equipment clean, he never complains about warming up the pitcher between innings if the starter needs extra time to get his gear on. Broke his neck last year while sneezing or something, had a witchdoctor cure him with a masticated raven. Would have broken up the Barrett-Zambrano fight last year, but he slept through it.

Ronny Cedeno, dumbass — Was once out going from first to second on a walk. Holy shit, what a dumbass.

Mike Fontenot, batboy — They let him play once and a while though, which is cute.

Daryle Ward, overeater — Great pinch hitter. He’s fat though. Even for a baseball player.

Alex Cintron, middle infielder — He weighs like 170 pounds but in the playoffs one year he ran into Scott Rolen (who weighs 245 pounds) and separated Rolen’s shoulder. Fuckin’ A! Nice work, man.

Michael Wuertz, slider specialist — Seems like a nice enough guy.

Kevin Hart, reliever — With his wife Jennifer, his chauffeur Max and the irrepressible pooch Freeway, he fights crime, as long as it involves millionaires, yachts and MURDER!

Lou Piniella, manager — Lou is the balls. I dare anyone to say different.

I’m sure I left some guys out, but either I forgot they were around or I didn’t have a lame joke for them. Hey it’s spring training for the writers, too.