Beaten by a baloney sandwich?

Posted on Feb 28, 2008 in Andy | 34 comments


Where's the waxed paper, Al?Yesterday, an intrepid reader informed me that Cubscast.com had posted a podcast in which they announced the winners of their first-ever Strode Awards.

First, if you’re going to name an award after a bullpen coach, how can it be anything but The Gamboa Awards?

Apparently, I was up for three of the prestigious awards including “Best Cubs Blog”, “Best Comedy Blog” and “Lifetime Achievement Award.”

I’ll save you the suspense. I narrowly edged out Kermit’s Hire Jim Essian for best comedy blog, and was soundly beaten by none other than Carrie Muskat and her mailbag for “Lifetime Achievement.” I have no problem with that. The fact she can keep entire Hostess Cherry Pies in her hair bun is enough for anybody’s lifetime.

But I will tell you this, Kermit and I finished second and third respectively in the Best Cubs Blog category and I didn’t care that I didn’t win. It’s the no-talent assclown that I lost to that bothers me.

Guess who they deem the Best Cubs Blog? I guess the baloney sammich in the open probably gave it away. They gave it to Al Yellon and his miserably banal Bleed Cubbie Blue.

Bleed Cubbie Blue is the worst of everything about Cubs fans. Fer chrissakes it even has Cubbie in the name. Who would possibly put that into the title of anything by choice? He even spelled it in nearly the prissiest way possible. Hell, I’m surprised it’s not Bleed Cubbi Blue. Why not go all the way?

The reason Bleed Cubbie Blue won is because the Cubscast guys are impressed with the community that hangs out there. I’m impressed with it, too. I didn’t know that many shut ins were Cubs’ fans?

This is a society that uses money orders to buy things. This is a society that would like nothing more than to see the Cubs win a game they attend…unless the opportunity to see them no-hit by the opposing pitcher presents itself. This is a society that thinks Ivan DeFuckingJesus deserves to be on a 100 Greatest Cubs list that doesn’t also involve the words Who Should Be Hit By A Buick Roadmaster. This is a society that came up with the 20 most important home runs in Cubs history and most of them happened in terrible years in meaningless games. I guess it’s progress that all of them were actually hit by the Cubs.

It’s just such a strange little place. It’s as though people devoid of personality, original thought or humor all Googled “Cubs Douchebaggery” and ended up there. Hey, I’m not complaining. It’s nice to have them all in one spot. It’s like a rancher has herded all of the sheep with an extra chromosome together so he can drive them off a cliff.

But what really troubles me is when the media decides that Al is the spokesperson for all things Cubs. Like today in the USA Today when Al and his legion of nitwits were chosen to communicate to the country what Cubs fans feel about the potential of Wrigley Field having a new name. One purchased by a corporation. Unlike the one that a corporation currently has for free.

“Everybody I know will still call it Wrigley Field,” said Al Yellon, founder and editor of the fan website bleedcubbieblue.com. “Look at the large picture. It’s just a name. It doesn’t change my experience.”

That’s what you think, Al. When waxed paper wrapped sandwiches are banned, you’ll be bleating a different tune.

Here’s the best part. Look who was quoted next in the USA Today article. Proof that they were going down their big list of Cub Fan Simps for the article.

Local fan celebrity Ronnie (Woo Woo) Wickers agreed, noting some Cubs faithful are outraged “but everything’s a business these days. … Don’t let the name of the ballpark get you down. They still call it the Chicago Cubs.”

The only thing that bothered me was that the editor of the article obviously cleaned up a lot of it. Here is how it undoubtedly was written originally.

Local derelict Ronnie (Woo Woo) Wickers happily babbled, “but woo everything’s woo a business woo! Don’t woo let the name woo of the ballpark woo get you down woo! They still woo call it woo the Chicago woo Cubs woo! Hey man, woo, you got any windows woo you need washed woo? How about a tug woo?

Lest I be misunderstood, I’m not upset that Al won a prestigious Strode. Hey, I won one too and let me tell you the thrill of winning a pretend Internet award given by three guys who have obviously never done more than take a quick look at Desipio’s home page was pretty great. The only thing that bothers me is that people already have the impression that Cubs fans are slightly retarded, easily amused dopes who wouldn’t know the score unless you wrote it on their beanie baby. That’s a stereotype we need reinforced.

Guh.