What a douche.
Pitching matchup:
Dave Bush 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Ryan “Oh the Cubs are screwed” Dempster, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Hey, while you’re waiting, why not read All is Well?
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
What a douche.
Pitching matchup:
Dave Bush 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Ryan “Oh the Cubs are screwed” Dempster, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Hey, while you’re waiting, why not read All is Well?
I’ll have it all working today.
A little song
A little dance
A little seltzer down your pants!
If yesterday was “make all your posts in the form of a question day” can today be talk like a pirate day”? Arrghh?
How about today is talk like an assclown day? I mean, it’s only fitting since I’m on the mound.
I like how timely they are. “Cubs set for Opening Day: Will weather cooperate?”
Money well spent.
Dempster would be a lot more effective playing me instead of a ball game today!
Well, it’s been raining all morning in Des Moines, and it’s headed your way. Let’s hope we can get on top through the 5th, and we’ll be golden.
I was excited about today’s game until I remembered who the starting pitcher was. Woof.
They’re not in the top three of Chicago network newscasts for nothing, #4!
So, can I crap myself now, or do I have to wait until the game actually starts?
I’m already warming up.
I am just miserable; considering everything that seems to be going on at Wrigley Field. I had no idea the Amish were relaxing their dress code to allow floppy hats and satin jackets.
I’m starting for the second straight game – I’m livin’ on the air in Cincinnati!
Brewers
Weeks
Gwynn the lesser
Planet Fielder
Braun
Hall
Hart
Hardy
Bush
Ken Doll
Cubs
Soriano
The Riot
Lee
E-ramis
Fukkake!
DeRosa
Soto
Pennsylvania
Dempster
Apparently, I’m pretty good. Too bad Dustbag is my manager.
If I have anything to do with it, you’ll hit a batsmen at the end of this year……..with your right arm.
How the hell am I the #3 starter?
I shouldn’t be batting clean-up. My man Fuk should be.
Gabor Paul Bako:
0 for 2, 1 K, Runners left on base: 5
As “Meanwhile, in Detroit” said on opening day, “It’s the little things in life that make it so enjoyable.”
Because, if you remember # 16, if they didn’t make me a starter, I would have [i]left[/i]. You wouldn’t want that, would you? [i]Would you?[/i]
I have no grasp of chat html skills.
The rain must’ve dried up between DM and Iowa City, RedBeard, because it’s dry here.
The Canadian Strike ended 1 day before Dempster pitches. Why couldn’t the WGA stay on strike 1 more day?
Whoa, those Royals are hard to figure out, huh?
The Cardinals are winning again! Too many times, too many times…
I think I’ll probably give up 8 runs before I’m pulled in the 4th. Anyone want an over/under on that?
25 – I’ll go 2 under.
8 runs, pulled in the 2nd
..and the hoommme of the breeeeeeeeeeeeeve.
I’ll take the over.
If he goes 6 runs in two, then the tie-breaker will be if he gives up a lead-off homer to weeks
Just leadoff? Or first-pitch leadoff?
We’re bankrupt. Now you know why we don’t sponsor anything anymore.
I’m ready when you need me….
We’re rained out!
Also, Micah Hoffpauir is hurt and rehabbing for the next two-weeks. RedBeard must be crying in his douchebag.
I got on base so quickly, the gameday doesn’t even say how!
BC – serious question… Are you still in college?
If yes, do you know this game-chat will not help you score a date?
We won! We’re better than the Cubs!
Nevermind, now it does
If this shit keeps up, the “remodeling” of Wrigley Field could start as early as this weekend when the fans burn the place down.
I walked. Now I’m on third. I love the Cubs.
#33:
Leadoff walk. The, Gwynn doubled.
A 2 RBI sacrifice fly?
God I love the Cubs.
The Dempster Experiment will cost us several wins until he’s released.
bring in the clowns!
The nice thing about Dempster starting is that there is no suspense. He just sucks from the get go.
Yeah, that was necessary… Rickie Weeks is a tool box.
Wow, I’m even worse at “opening” than I am at closing!
I’m hitting a grand slam after Dempster walks Fielder…
Sahwy. I didn’t mean fol thaht to hahppen!
It was a throwing error from Kosuke. The whole teams got the shitted pants.
So hard to thow barr with Robster Craws!
18.1 innings into the season, the Japanese speech jokes are already tired.
How was that an error by Fukudome? It didn’t sound like one.
50 – couldn’t disagree more.
It’ll be another 18 MONTHS before the Japanese speech jokes stop
Jake, who are you?
I never get old
Thank goodness I suck at pitching too!
44
Wish we had an angry black dude on our team. I like angry black baseball players.
That’s because you have no sense of humor, round-eye.
Can someone describe me? The taste…the touch…the smell…
That’s how you hit leadoff!
You righ numma 55! I ahwees laugh when i see rettels switched alound! har har har funny!
You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.
I think Dempster was just rattled that the first inning wasn’t a save situation.
I threw a bullet to home but that asshole Weeks ran over Soto at the plate before the throw got there so it went to the backstop. Then Dempster flipped gayly over Soto’s head as Gwynn scored.
Way to back up the play Dempster.
Folgiveness Prease!
I can’t even make contact with the ball in lead-off. Lou better send me to fourth or something.
54 – just a boy with a keyboard.
fuku threw the ball from from 10,000 feet away, tasting of soy sauce, and the ball almost got to home plat on the fly, rice cakes, and Soto forgot what he was doing and got waylayed by angry rickie weeks, tastes like chicken and feels like shit.
Dempster picks up the ball and flips it 75 feet in the air for good measure.
You know this year is sucky when I’m owning the Cubs.
STOP TELLING ME I’M POSTING COMMENTS TOO QUICKLY DAMMIT!
Who wants to bet he’ll get plunked one more time today?
I have a video clip of the lameness that was the 2 run sac fly.
I don’t even BEGIN
Is it still too early to think that maybe, just MAYBE, we suck huge donkey balls?
I don’t even BEGIN to describe that flip from Dempster to Soto.
That was a hell of a me.
It might be time to dust me off and put me back on the “status” section
74 – you know what goes great with huge donkey balls? Coco Crisp Cereal!
Dericious!
Aren’t I related to Gary Sheffield? That would explain why you bitches can’t control me!
Hot damn, six in a row, this pitching stuff is easy!
64:
Thanks for clarifying.
If I suck on donkey balls does it mean I’m not a vegetarian anymore?
How do I get the video clip on MLB Gameday?
Was the same one that Weeks walked on….WTF?
82 – only if the donkey’s not a vegetarian.
Go to the Play by Play section – select inning “1”, go to play “3”, click the little blue play button.
*gasp* never *wheeze* walk *cough* that *fart* far *belch* again! *hack*
Why did Jason kendall’s dad wait like 10 years to fix his son’s retarded throwing, anyway?
Ah sooooooo
86, do you have any special subscriptions on that site? I don’t see a blue play button…
While I’m neutral on the Asian speech jokes, what the hell is up with the Aramis fart/belch jokes? Cut that shit out already.
I suck at defense no matter where you put me!!
Aramis lazy jokes
Runs without a homer?
I need a road map to play left field.
Ole!
Hey, the Cubs finally scored a run without a homer. What time’s the parade?
A GPS would be even better
Thank you Bill Hall! Ole!
I have now been scored without a home run. FYC!
Aramis Ramirez will win the MVP this year.
But I still like calling him Pancakes. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating your awesomeness by eating a stack of cakes.
I did something right again!
Singles machine Ogdens!
I am drunk.
I love pancakes.
I like Pie. I may begin to start rabidly flaming the asshats who are convinced he’s a bust after a whopping 200 trips to the dish.
Of course, Lou’s not doing the kid any favors by batting him eighth.
Anybody wanna buy a computer?
Bunting’s hard!
You have to be fucking kidding me.
Bunting: another thing I suck at
Yep, I’m a Cub pitcher, eh. I can’t bunt worth a damn.
And I post too fucking quick too.
Fuck this goddamn gutless fucking server.
Mike, I predict Soto will hit well enough to be a decent #5. Then Fukkake can hit 2nd, Pie 7th, and Scrappy can be banished to the 8 hole where he belongs.
One of these days, I will get a hit. Promise.
That day will be May 1
I hate A Sor. I may begin to start rabidly flaming the asshats who are convinced he’s good after a whopping 4000 trips to the dish.
Of course, Lou’s not doing the kid any favors by batting him.
Heh, Aramis farting is kinda funny now that I think about it.
Heh. Fart is a funny word. Fart. Heh.
Does nayone awnt to nkow what I think baout Alfonso Koriano? If so, elt me know. I’ll etll you what i htink.
rickie weeks on base, look for someone to get kicked in the face! love that dude.
Theriot relegated to 8th? For good? Quit talking out of your “number two” hole.
Soriano is the Baseball version of me
You guys think I do a good Barrett impression?
Thanks, I’ll be here all week!
How am I supposed to miss this guy???
That Daryle Ward guy sure is skinny. He should eat more.
Am I only able to do one thing well at a time? I thought I used to be a great defensive catcher who couldn’t hit?
Testing 123
No, come to think of it, I am doing both really well right now. I suck a lot at hitting and fielding.
Theriot’s on fire.
Anybody want to sit in the bleachers with me manana? Face value
See? I’m so strong, I broke my bat!
Wasn’t Soto decent at throwing guys out during me?
How good looking is your face?
No, Sloth. You’re gross
Andy will get me right, one of these days… maybe… possibly…. might…
Was that really a 7-pitch inning?
Theriot is me!
The 5 pitch inning never gets old.
I just broke my throwing hand. Smart.
Anyone for some deep fried veggies dipped in cheese???
Is Dempster actually…y’know…pitching well?
Thanks for jinxing it.
Not really nutsack
Just as I hit “Enter,” the thought crossed my mind…then, a BB.
I’m a 21st century Mike Brumley
Than that chocolate salty Nutsack
*fart* *belch* *shit pants*
I suck.
*vomit*
I’m coming up 3rd according to WGN!
I just jinxed the shit out of the Cubs
No worries, I got this.
What’s happening? My Fox Sports Game tracker is not updating. I’m in the dark here!!
We steal a base on Ken Doll
I am a thief
I get on base and steal bases. Why not hit me leadoff?
I’m a walking machine. and a stealing one too.
149:
Go to CBSSportsline.com. It’s halfway decent there.
Ow! My Arm! And My Heart!
Looks like I like throwing inside
Why am I in the picture at the top of the page holding up a sign at Wrigley Field?
I thought I was dead.
No I’m just a retired dictator now…
Will I get to pitch today?
Looks like I got nothing
Walk. Hit by pitch. Walk.
Felix’s first pitch. Swinging strike.
Time to strand 3 on base!
Yeah, Soto just walked but I’ll hack at the first two pitches anyway.
And I’ll post too fast. Four fucking times.
Bush it having control problems. Time to get hacking!
Just like I taught ’em, Andy – just like I taught ’em.
Guess I’ll have to handle this. That hoser Soriano sure as shit won’t.
I killed this inning
I’m a lot like Theriot. People seem to like me – but I suck.
Way to freakin’ go, Pie.
Hey Lou, if you’d bat your pitcher eighth, he wouldn’t be up now!
Andy, don’t you have a trademarked saying about us, bases loaded, no one out and never scoring…?
The best thing I can do here is strike out. Stay out of the DP
No runs with 3 on with no outs. Stupendous.
Cripes…
Can’t. Bunt.
Missed bunt for Strik 3? Really?
Touche
Should I get a hit here? Or just go 0-12?
Bases are too clogged dudes.
Why isn’t Fonzie swinging?
Am I actually taking pitches?
TAKE!
Don’t. Swing. At ball 4
What were the odds of that? 3-2 Cubs.
Soriano just took one of me!
Does that get me off the schneid??
Wow. I’m aghast.
Am I reading the gamecast right? Koriano walked? No f-ing way.
Working the count? Really?
Thought it was time for one.
Stupid clogged bases. Walks don’t help nobody, dude.
That’s all we got out of that?
Dave Bush saved his game by walking Soriano.
Woohoo I cleared the baees!
Hey. You guys: Anyone around here noticed that I fukking suck?
WTF is a Baees???
So it begins…..
Please don’t try to make me catch on
I own you female ogdens!!
I’m starting to suck again.
I own the Cubs
It never stopped you douche!!
One thing I never get tired of is watching the Cubs make stars out of the worst players on the other team. Like Tony Gwynn Jr and Jason Kendall. Now that’s a tradition the Cubs have honored for decades.
I’m going to make it rain now.
Me too, T-Skils!
I do good, mang??
Pancakes for everyone!
Down is up.
Royals sweep the Tigers in Detroit.
Look at how lazy E-ramis is. He just jogged…
…around all the bases.
I rammed that Bush good.
Walk machine!
Why am I not leading off again? All I do is get on base. And throw balls in that get my catcher killed.
I walk again. Prease Rou, HIT ME READOFF!
Good to have someone who can actually take a walk consistently, ain’t it?
What is Fukkake’s on base average? .750? Something like that. Dusty would have hated that base clogging sumbitch.
Pancakes? Where?
I struck out 10 in my debut! Dusty says he reminds me of all the great young pitchers he’s mentored like Russ Ortiz and Mark Prior!
Shit, I should schedule my Tommy John Disease treatments for June.
I like getting on base – but these walks aren’t going to help my AVG.
Len just mentioned me!
Who am I and what happened to the real Ryan Dempster
Fukkakke’s OBP .625, AVG .500
Who would have thought I would go 6 innings? Hell, who would have thought I would have went more than 3?
I got glove too!!!!
Shit, who knew we should have been using Dempster for six inning saves? Larry, did you know that?
Larry!
Hey, (leans over to Alan Trammell) that guy’s name is Larry, right?
I must be living together, Dempster just got a quality start. Posts 1-40, anything to say?
http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/04/great-cincinnati-clutch-debate.html
As long as you gutless assholes don’t invoke your typical short-term memory and start loving Dempster because he’s doing well today.
I just told a listener in South Africa to “Watch out for lions”. Classic.
Anyone notice that Kasper likes to use me a lot?
Nope, nothing to say, the White Sox still won, I’m sure the I-Cubs are still rained out, and I’m pretty sure Wayne Messmer said “..and the hoommme of the breeeeeeeeeeeeeve.”
I suck. No really, I suck!!
Wait – that’s not right, I should have gotten thrown out at second…
Pinch hit AB’s:
Fontenot 5, Ward 1. WTF?
I got a hit! Let me play instead of Theriot.
Can we trade me for Coocoo for Coco Crisp??
That might be wrong…I think Fontenot came in yesterday’s game for DeRosa and got 2 additional AB’s.
My bad.
Let’s get this AB over with.
Fontenot has five pinch hit at bats in three games? That’s impressive, and impossible.
He gets more at bats because he stays in to play a position, while Ward hops back to the dugout.
Another homerless run…go figure.
Holy Shit, mang!!!!
Who’s stirring in the BP?
I figured, Andy.
A walk and a hit! *splooge*
Oh God! He’s the bestest evah! *splooge*
Oh my sphincter is so tight over him! *splooge* *splooge*
Time to give RV a Mushroom Stamp!
In the meantime, Soriano’s 1 for 12 so far.
Sorta like 3 CG in 2 G.
Another double! It’s a Bayou Bloodbath!
(Flips off EG)
Idiot….
I know…I’m a dope.
Are actually running
Ahh, running on Kendall. Why did it take so long?
I loved how he “dropped” the ball on that. He did that all last September to avoid throwing the ball into left all the time.
I still show Theriot on 2nd
I’m getting ready!
That Lee K stung.
Do I even deserve to be alive?
You’re just offended because you know it’s true.
#255
I…I…I got nuthin’…
243, I don’t like mushrooms. But I am an avid stamp collector.
Crickets…..
Hello chums! How about this ball game? Would you like me to make an inane observation about it?
It’s played with bats!
Crap.
Wow, that Japanese guy sucks! He just made an out.
Crap what?
Right now, Ron Santo is droning on and Pat is trying to figure out how to make a joke about McLung coughing one up.
McDonalds is offering Mclungs now??? Tasteeee…….
Maybe Andy should hire an intern to figure me out?
How bout it. Ryan Dempster, the greatest of greats. All bow down to the mighty Jokester!
Who was the celebrity guest conductor today?
In a frosty mug!
us.
Does it matter?
Watch out for those Redlegs!
I gave up a hit. I really suck.
I’m waiting to hear back from the WordPress geniuses. In the old version, remember the “Slow Down Cowboy” message? I was able to find out from them how to turn that off. In this new version, the code has changed. I’ve tried taking the whole code that relates to it out, but the blog won’t run without it.
It’s designed to keep a spam “bot” from filling up your site. But what’s screwing it up is that most of us have high speed through either a big ISP or our work, and it uses proxies so that lots of users can access the Interwebs at one time. If the time on the proxies is off by even a few seconds, then Word Press thinks you got in a time machine and are posting “before” your last post so it throws the error. That’s why if you try a few times, eventually it either catches up, or you get a different proxy and then it goes through.
That’s a very complicated way of saying I need somebody who helped designed WordPress to figure out a work-around for this, and eventually they always do.
Making my bid to be on HJE top Cub Killers of All Time, ogdens!!
morpheus–
Fremd HS girls gymnastics team. State champs.
On an unrelated note, has anyone seen Sloth?
Playing me in short right when Prince hits is a good idea, unless he hits one right at on one bounce at 472 miles per hour.
I’m laboring
I’m warming up. Get ya popcorn.
Sportsline Gamecenter says that pitches 1 and 2 to Braun were roughly in the center of the LH batter’s box.
How good can a lineup be with two Gabes?
Do they have Babe Ruth’s gay brother, Gabe Ruth?
We are the greatest team in the history of evah! 1 and 2 baby – no holding us back! Woo!
You hit Felix? Didn’t you see Boys in the Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot!
Looks like I’m going to get to play now.
Or not.
Ow! My hand! How am I going to make crust now?
Nice shot of Ned in the dugout trying to figure out who they shit in retaliation for them hitting Felix.
Ned’s none too bright.
So, while I was on teh phone, A Sor got a hit?
Hey, I just typo-swore. Nice.
…we know and love.
Damn, I suck at this throwing thing.
And I post too fast.
It’s me time.
Am I the fattest vegetarian ever?
The fat kangaroo had Ronny in his pouch!
Yeah, I still suck.
Soriano with the… sac?
#283–yous confusing us with dem?
That’s so Cub.
So did Kerry Wood pick TNT by AC/DC for his song???
I should not allow three or more runs this time, right?
Just trying to be clear.
On the 0-2 pitch, Corey started walking to the dugout. He got bailed out for about nine seconds when the 1-2 pitch made him swing like a little girl.
And Hart still looks like he’s been hit in the face repeatedly with a bag of glass.
Oh shit! They’re making me close still?
I’m a major pain in the ass and I have a funny stance.
And now I’m on second.
I was from Texas too.
I’m still worried about the Cardinals.
Wow, I suck
YAY a save! Now – don’t make me do that ever again. Trade me to Baltimore with Matt Murton to get Roberts and let Marmol close! ‘k?
Flap flap *fart* flappity flap
With a 1-0 record – I am the best goddamn pitcher on the staff right now! Up yours, ogdens!
Creating a little wind of your own, are you “W” flag?
That’s sustainable living in action, folks.
Mister P. A….3 out of 11, for a .273 batting average. Congratulations, son. Yer the second leading hitter on yer team!
I am back to genius status for “tinkering” and getting a win, ogdens.
That was ball four to Kendall. Everybody knows I would of served one up to Weeks if the ump wasn’t nice to me.
That’s why we need to get you out of here on the next stagecoach, Kerry, you suck.
We can’t wait to see how good you can make us look tomorrow.
…….tra, la, la, la.”
Actual quote by one Harry (Caray) Carabina, circa 1964, when the Satanic Fowl passed the Phillies, Giants, Reds on their way to the ’64 Championship.
Even the Cubbies “greatest” announcer was a hand-me-dowm from Urinal Cake Land.
Bw….
a…..
ha….
bwahahahahahahahahaha !!!
Yours truly,
Lucifer The Red
From the Yahoo Astros website “K. Matsui 2B Mar 21, 2008 15-day Surgery, anal fissure – out 2-3 weeks”
As our current Prez, G Dubya, would say, “Nothing worse than one of them thar’ nuc-U-lur fissures…..”