Just wait for it to stop rolling and pick it up.

What has been more depressing about the first two weeks of the Cubs season? That Ted Lilly can’t get anybody out, or that the blue pajama top jerseys are back?

Somewhere in California, Tommy John Disease sufferer Michael Barrett saw Hank White trying to catch with a hole in the webbing of his catcher’s mitt on Sunday and thought, “Hey, maybe that was my problem!” It wasn’t.

Dusty Baker returns to Chicago Tuesday night and the media is already telling us that we’re petty little people for wanting to boo him, and punch him in the toothpick. I resent that. I’m 6’2. So I might be petty, but I ain’t little.

Did you ever wonder who your favorite Cubs player would be if he was just a little bit better, or just a little bit worse? Of course you didn’t, unless you’ve gotten into the peyote again. But that’s what I’m here for, like Bob Sugar (“That stripper in Laguna Beach, remember her name? It was April, that’s my job, to remember skanks you bang on the road. It’s not about money, I do it all for you,”) and to come up with completely lame ways to waste bandwidth. Hell, maybe The Cub Reporter will have a fundraiser for me when this hackneyed column is over?

Anyway, let’s try this. We won’t do any of the ‘names’ since that seems silly. Hey, a guy’s gotta have standards.

Ryan Theriot

If he was a little bit worse: Well, we kinda saw that last year, didn’t we? If he was worse he’d be Cesar Izturis. You know, especially since Cesar forgot how to play defense at rehab. I mean during rehab.

If he was a little bit better: I don’t want to say it. I’m not going to say it. Let’s just say the difference between him and this guy is actually two things. Ryan would give up a kidney and he doesn’t need the booster seat when he goes to Denny’s. And yes, he goes to Denny’s because he thinks it’s funny when they refuse to serve Felix.

(By the way, his closest comps at Baseball Reference are Jimmie Reese–the 140 year old, now dead, Angels’ coach who roomed with Babe Ruth and Tony Womack. Tony Womack? Does this mean Joe Buck will think Ryan’s wife is his mom, too?)

Geovany Soto

Little bit worse: Pick a Molina. Geovany already looks like he’s wearing their pants.

Little bit better: I’m going to be conservative here. Don’t want to go overboard just because he won the Pacific Coast League MVP last year and has gotten off to a pretty good start. So I’ll just say that he’s just shy of Johnny Bench. Oh, who am I kidding? Given the sterling history of Cubs’ catchers since the second World War we’d settle for Bo Diaz. Hey, Geo, watch out for those satellite dishes. They’ll get ya.

(And no, we wouldn’t really settle for Bo Diaz. Is it my fault that Ted Simmons has yet to be squished by a satellite dish?)

Felix Pie

Little bit worse: Scott Bullett, your plane is boarding!

Little bit better: Felix is currently sporting a career batting average of .211. I’ve still got high hopes for the kid. But what’s a “little bit” better than what he is right now? Herm Winningham? Marvelle Wynn? Fine, how about Gary Redus. There, does that make you happy?

Ronny Cedeno

Little bit worse: Somebody on the message board compared him to Manny Alexander as far as brains go. That’s much like having your sophomore in college son compared to Chris Burke. (The actor, not the Diamondbacks’ catcher.) In other words, it’s not good. But if the orthopedic shoe fits…

Little bit better: Ronny’s fast, he’s got a good arm, he hit like .743 at Iowa last year. It is that much to ask that he harness some of that and really become an ace like Rey Ordonez? Oh, I’m getting dizzy. I need to sit down. Nurse, I’m hyperventilating, get me a paper bag, the Beatles White Album and the head of Alfredo Garcia. Hey, how about Damaso Garcia? That wouldn’t be that bad.

Not that great, either.

Mike Fontenot

Little bit worse: You’ve got to find a little guy with surprising pop, but who’s not as good as Fontenot? Uh, um, Joey Cora hit 11 homers one year. Does that count? Joey sucked, but come on you’re looking for somebody not as good as the great Mike Fontenot.

Little bit better: We all hated this little bastard, and he admitted he put “stuff” in his butt (is that what Edmonds is calling it these days) but I could see Fontenot having a Fernando Vina type career. Ooh, aim high.

Sam Fuld

I just wanted an excuse to post a Doug Dascenzo picture. Let’s move on.

Look out Dibble!

Kevin Hart

Little bit worse: Did you know that in his first two seasons in the big leagues that Bob Scanlan posted ERAs of 3.89 (40 games) and 2.89 (69 games). Well, he did. And Jim Riggleman still calls him three times a day and makes him go out behind the garage and warm up. Let’s just say the rest of Bob’s career did not go as swimmingly.

Little bit better: How about Dick Tidrow? Hey, we can even call Kevin “Dirt” just for kicks! You know, he could do worse. Dirt was 100-94 with a 3.68 ERA in 13 seasons. If Kevin Hart did that he’d retire with a big pile of cash (and a half dozen big league jerseys.)

Carmen Pigniatello

Little bit worse: Where is Daniel Garibay when you need him?  Actually when the Cubs didn’t need him he was right there in the bullpen.  And you wonder why Don Baylor got himself fired?

Little bit better: Hey, isn’t that Chuck McElroy? Oh, who are we kidding. McElroy won 38 big league games. Piggy might not even throw a strike in 38 big league games.

Carlos Marmol

Little bit worse: I don’t even want to think about it. Screw you for judging me. Carlos is the balls. Don’t you put that voodoo on him Ricky Bobby!

Little bit better: Well, duh. He’s a pair of Rec Specs away from the 2002 version of K-Rod.

Rich Hill

Little bit worse: Lefty, one pitch, fragile psyche? I can’t think of anybody, honestly, let’s see. I’m going to say this and duck. Donovan Osborne. (Hides behind chair.)

Little bit better: Lefty, one pitch, fragile psyche? If he ever falls off an exercise bike he’s got nothing on Steve Trout. Wait, is that better? Probably not. Maybe he can be a thinner Wilson Alvarez? Oh, dare to dream.

What about this bit?  If it were a little bit better, it’d be bad, and if it were a little bit worse it’d be a “diary” on another Web site.