Now that Jim Edmonds is a productive, happy, and popular member of the Chicago Cubs, it’s time we all pretend that we were never mean to him, questioned his sexuality, accused him of bestiality or sets bags of flaming feces on the stoop in front of his favorite bathhouse.

Nope. Jimmy’s a Cub now, for realsies and we’re all happy about it. Right?

Oh, screw that. What I sometimes forget is that even though Desipio is the only site you’ll ever need, some of you haven’t been around long enough to understand some of the references we make.

So, today, I’m going to help you out. It’s time we go through the entire Desipio legend of Jim Edmonds, and map out a strategy that will get us through to the glorious day Jim Hendry finally puts him back on waivers where he belongs.

Which, amazingly, could very well not happen. Oh, how humiliating. First, why do we call him Lassie?

Thankfully an intrepid reader found a video on Youtube that explains it all. Take a few moments and watch it. We’ll wait.

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igrlVJH0K3A]

What, that didn’t explain it? You’re now concerned that you wasted two and a half minutes of your life watching a montage of photos of someone’s dead dog? Oops. OK, I’ll make it up to you. Let’s take a second to watch this fan video of Cubs’ reliever Neal Cotts. It’s much less ghey, I promise.

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TwNN971EUE]

OK, got you again.

Whoops. Fine, where were we? Oh yeah, “Lassie.”

Back in 2002 we were doing a Cubs Live! Gamecast, and they were different that the ones we do now. I used to actually pay attention to the game and keep more a running commentary. It really was a lot more useful to those of you stuck at work with no way to see the game. During a Cubs-Cardinals game, most likely on June 21, I made reference to the fact that Edmonds was on deck during an Albert Pujols at bat “molesting a collie.” It was a vague call back to a line in Caddyshack.

I cannot confirm that Edmonds didn’t molest a collie while he was on deck. You would think someone would have seen it if it happened and reported it to PETA or a Korean deli or something. Regardless, it stuck and we started calling Jim Lassie. I mean look at the guy. Doesn’t he look like somebody who could possibly molest a collie?

I liked the fact that while most opposing fans accused Edmonds of being gay, that we were above that. We went right for the dog fucking. It set us apart. We’re Cubs’ fans, we know how to act classy.

Very classy.

“You just made the list, buddy!”

That leads us to another story, that I can proudly say is true. My brother in law is a lifelong Cardinals fan. Thankfully he does not suffer from either of the other two leading forms of retardation.

His son, my nephew, is also a Cardinals fan. When the son was in little league and on through high school he played centerfield and wore number 15. He idolized Jim Edmonds and so did his dad.

One day, when my nephew as probably 14, I was at their house and they were talking about the Cardinals. I’d had enough. I calmly asked, “So it doesn’t bother you that he roots for Jim Edmonds?”

My brother in law asked why it would bother him. I just said, “You know, because of the California thing.”

My brother in law was confused. So, I enlightened him. “Have you noticed that when the Cardinals go on their west coast road trip that Jim can’t go with?” I said it sincerely, certain that my brother in law would figure out it was bullshit.

Looking back, Edmonds was hurt so often that my brother probably was trying to think when the last time he’d seen him play in a game in San Diego, Los Angeles or San Francisco was.

I continued. “You know, because of the sex offender thing. He’s a registered sex offender in California so he can’t play games in the state anymore. It’s how the Cardinals could get him for just Adam Kennedy and Kent Bottenfield.”

He bought it. Not for long, but long enough (probably close to an hour) that it’s one my proudest ball busting moments of all-time.

And now, Lassie, the registered secks offender is a Cub.

Any precedent to root for this schmoe?

How are we supposed to deal with this? What’s the proper way to act? The Bulls did it when they traded for Dennis Rodman, but even that was different. He’d been in San Antonio for two full seasons between his stints with the Pistons and Bulls, and besides, the Bulls had won three titles. The sting had worn off.

The White Sox signed Albert Belle, but that had the benefit for the Sox of a trade for a guy who was supposed to still be in the prime of his career. Belle actually had one good season (1997) and one great season (1998 — he hit .328 with a 1.054 OPS, 49 homers and 152 RBI) but got to leave when he was no longer one of the top three paid players in baseball. He signed another huge contract with Baltimore, hurt his hip and disappeared to resume a private life of chasing trick or treaters with his Escalade. Besides, it was the White Sox. Nobody even noticed.

So part of the kick to the groin feeling that Cubs fans are feeling over Jim Edmonds’ presence is that not only have we hated him for decade, (the Cubs nearly traded for him in 2000 but Ed Lynch refused to part with Chad Meyers and Andrew Lorraine–OK, I don’t remember exactly who Lynch refused to give up, but it wasn’t much, I remember that).

Now that Edmonds is a Cub he’s old and frail and he sucks. So you’re stuck with the feeling that when he was good we watched him play for the hated enemy, and now that he’s lousy we have to watch him play for the Cubs.

What do we do? We can’t just blindly root for him, and now that he’s hitting (.344 with a 1.025 OPS the last two weeks) he’s actually filling a hole (oh, so many jokes…). When he’s playing well the Cubs don’t have a weak spot in the lineup, and he can still play defense.

Half man, half shirt

The shock of seeing him in a Cubs uniform is over. Even if he does still wear half-shirts

and now, even half-socks. In fact, Edmonds is such a fan of the half-shirt that he defended it during an ESPN chat last year.

Half of our team wears a halfshirt under their jersey, including #5, #27, and #26. You should try it someday and wear it under your McDonald’s uniform.”

Nice use of numbers instead of names #2head. What he didn’t point out was that the other half of the guys on the Cardinals actually put the cut off part of the other guys’ shirts to use. David Eckstein, for example, would sew three of them together into a sleeping bag. Like the Native American using every part of the slain buffalo, the Cardinals made sure no part of the standard issue Hanes Beefy-T went to waste.

The ex-Cardinals factor

There are players on non-Cardinals teams that Cubs fans (or at least the Cubs fans who come here) don’t like. So how much of our loathing of Lassie comes from where he played and how much of it is just him?

Certainly, it’d be naive to think that if he had played for the Astros (though, we pretty much hate the Beege–though that’s probably Chip Caray’s fault) we wouldn’t have hated him quite as much. Oh, we wouldn’t have liked him.

If he’d played for say, the Padres all this time, or even the Phillies, we’d probably just have enjoyed all of the gay jokes and not cared much otherwise. If he had played in the American League the whole time we probably wouldn’t care at all.

So obviously, him being a Cardinal is the biggest part of this whole thing.

Because let’s face it. The Cardinals, their sunglass wearing-significant number-breathalyzer-blowing-manager, their phony baloney ‘best fans in baseball’, and all of the the other pointless pollyanna bullshit that comes with that franchise, get under Cubs’ fans skin more than anything else.

Edmonds was the personification of that. He has the initials and numbers of two dead Cardinals teammates tattooed on his left wrist. He routinely slows down on flyballs so he can dive for them (hell, he did it Thursday night in LA). He used to routinely flip off Cubs’ fans in the Wrigley Bleachers behind his back between pitches (he probably still does that.)

Two of my favorite Cubs’ moments of the past decade have to do directly with Jim Edmonds. The first was at the end of the improbable 8-7 win over the Cardinals in the second to last game of the epic five-game series in September of 2003. Remember that one? Jesus Sanchez gave up a grand slam to JD Drew to put the Cardinals up 6-0 in the sixth and the Cubs came all the way back. Edmonds pinch hit with two outs in the ninth, and not only did Sweaty Joe Borowski strike him out, Edmonds fell down. Oh, it was glorious.

The other favorite moment is completely petty. I’m not to proud to admit it. It was July 19, 2004 when Carlos Zambrano drilled Edmonds in the back after Edmonds had homered and taken his sweet time around the bases early in the game. When Scott Rolen homered ahead of Edmonds in the eighth, to give the Cardinals a 5-3 lead, Zambrano drilled Jim and got tossed.

At the plate, Edmonds wasn’t exactly a Cubs’ killer, but he’s got good numbers against them. He did strike out 144 times in 126 games against the Cubs, but he also hit 32 homers, drove in 75 runs and hit .270/.394/.554 against them. I guess we had plenty of reason to hate him.

The appropriate reaction

It makes no sense to actively root against him now. If he plays poorly it has a detrimental effect on the team. Cubs fans have waited 100 years for a team good enough to win a World Series, and we can’t waste our time wishing ill on his performance. That doesn’t mean you have to go apeshit when he does something.

I think it’d be great if, should he hit another homer or drive in a big run, he get a nice polite golf clap. Not a “Tiger Woods just holed out for eagle” golf clap, but more of a “Fred Funk just two putted the eighth for a par” kind of clap. How great would that be?

Similarly, should he make a game saving catch and end up running headlong into the ivy, it’s not OK to hope he drops the ball, it is perfectly acceptable to hope that he suffers a bruised sternum and some lung damage while hanging onto the ball.

The inevitable customized jersey sighting

It’s probably already happened, somewhere, some douche has bought a home, pinstripe ‘EDMONDS 15’ jersey. This, of course, under no circumstances is acceptable. You’d be better off in a ‘HAWKINS 32’ or a ‘HUNDLEY 99′ than that. It is acceptable, and probably legal to beat the wearer of a Cubs’ Edmonds jersey into a coma.

There is however, one acceptable version:

You know what the best part of this is? Go to the page where you can customize your own jersey and try to create a LASSIE 15. It won’t let you.

You get this error.

Your current entry cannot be processed. Language deemed inappropriate, derogatory, or profane will not be accepted. Please create a new entry.

How cool is that? Gee, why do you suppose you can’t make a LASSIE jersey?

You can however make this one:

And this:

And, most offensive of all:

So basically, here’s the thing.

Jim Edmonds is a Cub. He’s shown signs of not quite being done as a player yet, and if he plays well it’ll help the team. We’re stuck with him.

That doesn’t mean we have to like it. In fact, we may even loathe it. But in the end, we love the Cubs more than we hate him.

But damn, it’s close.