This “man” is a St. Louis Cardinals’ fan named Elias Coblentz, and Elias is a little bit upset that one of his favorite former Cardinals, our boy Lassie, is now a Chicago Cub. Actually, a little bit upset is kind of an understatement.
“All right, some disgusting news from Cardinals’ nation…”
Uh oh, which pitcher died this time?
I heard the rumors for two days, and I wanted to make a video about it then, because the minute it was brought up, I knew it was going to happen.
Why did it take you two days then? Aaron’s can’t deliver a video camera in 48 hours?
Jim Edmonds…is officially a member of the Shitcago Cubs.
Oh…no you didn’t! It is on, Elias!
Seriously, Shitcago? Is that all you have? That’s as weak as St. Louser. Oh, you’ve got more? Giggity!
Any time a player of Jim Edmonds’ stature…
He’s six foot two.
…goes from the Cardinals to the Cubs, I automatically hate that person as an individual, as a player and as a human being. Forever.
That seems rational. Now, Elias do you think that, or do the “voices” tell you?
I don’t care if they come back to the Cardinals later. I’ll cheer for them when they’re there. But when it’s over, ummm, no, I won’t like them. And I won’t even like them when I’m cheering for them. I’ll just have to cheer for them because they are wearing the birds on the bat again.
Now Elias, are you saying that ‘the best fans in baseball’ aren’t always sincere? That sometimes it’s bullshit. You mean, like when you were the last National League team to integrate and you pretended to root for the black players?
Wait, that’s wrong. I apologize. I didn’t mean to make that last sentence seem as though it was in the past tense. Because as we know, when you drive into Missouri, kindly set your watch back 40 years.
It’s a big deal for me, especially a guy like Jim Edmonds. How can you have that long of a career in St. Louis–eight years–you know they gave you your first really big contract, you know…
Wait, Elias, are you talking to him or about him? I’m confused. Focus, Elias, focus! This stuff is gold.
…they got you out of a bad situation in Anaheim…
Wait, is he Jim Edmonds or Roman Polanski? Never mind. Probably not much of a difference.
…and you know, you went to two World Series there, you won your first World Series ring there…
Good qualifier. “First World Series ring.” Jimmy can show you his second one in the offseason. This one won’t be made out of straw.
…and they gave you a two year contract at the end of the ’06 season when you probably weren’t worth one. And they traded him to the Padres which I understand…
OK, you’ve switched back to talking about him, not to him? Is that where we are? Just trying to keep up. Nice job. So far your rant is irrational, but not that insensitive. Nice job.
It’s not like he went directly from the Cardinals to the Cubs. But, the first time he had a direct say where he went, he went to the Cubs. I’m disgusted by it.
It is disgusting. It must really disgust you that after a lousy start in Chicago he’s got his average up to .309 with two homers and 14 RBI in 22 games. He’s even getting on base (.342) and hitting for power again (.515 slugging.) In fact, in the last month he’s hitting .332 with a .918 OPS.
But hey, you kept it classy. I can respect that.
Oh…whoops, I forgot to watch the rest of the video.
Wow, really? He’s “Derrek Lee’s piss boy”? Oh, and you had to bring race into it. That’s so unlike Cardinals fans.
Well, Elias, I’m sure you have to go. Your Josh Hancock shrine probably needs to be dusted. Especially the helmet you can put two beer cans into and drink through a straw.