This “man” is a St. Louis Cardinals’ fan named Elias Coblentz, and Elias is a little bit upset that one of his favorite former Cardinals, our boy Lassie, is now a Chicago Cub. Actually, a little bit upset is kind of an understatement.
“All right, some disgusting news from Cardinals’ nation…”
Uh oh, which pitcher died this time?
I heard the rumors for two days, and I wanted to make a video about it then, because the minute it was brought up, I knew it was going to happen.
Why did it take you two days then? Aaron’s can’t deliver a video camera in 48 hours?
Jim Edmonds…is officially a member of the Shitcago Cubs.
Oh…no you didn’t! It is on, Elias!
Seriously, Shitcago? Is that all you have? That’s as weak as St. Louser. Oh, you’ve got more? Giggity!
Any time a player of Jim Edmonds’ stature…
He’s six foot two.
…goes from the Cardinals to the Cubs, I automatically hate that person as an individual, as a player and as a human being. Forever.
That seems rational. Now, Elias do you think that, or do the “voices” tell you?
I don’t care if they come back to the Cardinals later. I’ll cheer for them when they’re there. But when it’s over, ummm, no, I won’t like them. And I won’t even like them when I’m cheering for them. I’ll just have to cheer for them because they are wearing the birds on the bat again.
Now Elias, are you saying that ‘the best fans in baseball’ aren’t always sincere? That sometimes it’s bullshit. You mean, like when you were the last National League team to integrate and you pretended to root for the black players?
Wait, that’s wrong. I apologize. I didn’t mean to make that last sentence seem as though it was in the past tense. Because as we know, when you drive into Missouri, kindly set your watch back 40 years.
It’s a big deal for me, especially a guy like Jim Edmonds. How can you have that long of a career in St. Louis–eight years–you know they gave you your first really big contract, you know…
Wait, Elias, are you talking to him or about him? I’m confused. Focus, Elias, focus! This stuff is gold.
…they got you out of a bad situation in Anaheim…
Wait, is he Jim Edmonds or Roman Polanski? Never mind. Probably not much of a difference.
…and you know, you went to two World Series there, you won your first World Series ring there…
Good qualifier. “First World Series ring.” Jimmy can show you his second one in the offseason. This one won’t be made out of straw.
…and they gave you a two year contract at the end of the ‘06 season when you probably weren’t worth one. And they traded him to the Padres which I understand…
OK, you’ve switched back to talking about him, not to him? Is that where we are? Just trying to keep up. Nice job. So far your rant is irrational, but not that insensitive. Nice job.
It’s not like he went directly from the Cardinals to the Cubs. But, the first time he had a direct say where he went, he went to the Cubs. I’m disgusted by it.
It is disgusting. It must really disgust you that after a lousy start in Chicago he’s got his average up to .309 with two homers and 14 RBI in 22 games. He’s even getting on base (.342) and hitting for power again (.515 slugging.) In fact, in the last month he’s hitting .332 with a .918 OPS.
But hey, you kept it classy. I can respect that.
Oh…whoops, I forgot to watch the rest of the video.
Wow, really? He’s “Derrek Lee’s piss boy”? Oh, and you had to bring race into it. That’s so unlike Cardinals fans.
Well, Elias, I’m sure you have to go. Your Josh Hancock shrine probably needs to be dusted. Especially the helmet you can put two beer cans into and drink through a straw.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
The Shitcago *****? Really? Wow.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Wow..that made my lunch…what kills me is this feller looks 15, and is married…must be from the Bootheel.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
> Jim Edmonds…is officially a member of the Shitcago Cubs.
Listen again… He says “*****”… Which is even more clevererer.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
(Or, you know, what Jiraiya said.)
June 17th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
HOLY SWEET MEAT PIES FRONT PAGE GJ SLAKY
June 17th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Kudos to my friend Dan for finding this last night.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
“All right, some disgusting news from Cardinals’ nation…”
Cardinal Nation = St. Louis and the greater Branson area. Watch out Edmonds, Cardinal Nation is coming and they’ve got a empty moonshine jug and juze harp aimed right at you!
June 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Makes me wish that my corporate interweb tube clamps did not cut off the pneumatic flow from youtube.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Mr. Coblentz and I never have been seen together in one place.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I’m sure this dude wears the skin of the people he kills.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
2:10 INTO HIS “MUSIC VIDEO” SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE GUY
June 17th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
NO HOMO THOUGH
June 17th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Congratulations,you found a video of me.Heh
June 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Yeah, I’ve got nothing on this guy.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Okay Elias, time for you to get out of the gene pool.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
That guy is a douche.
June 17th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
OK, The Hawks need to get someone from the Blues. You can’t have this guy all to yourself.
June 17th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
It’s kind of like, you know, like when you have a girl friend, or at least you’d like her to be your girlfriend, but like, then she starts to date this really awful guy, like, you know, like you can never like her again. Did I just say “like” twice? It’s funny how like the same word can have like two meanings, you know?
June 17th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Stay Classy, St. Louis.
June 17th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyMwqHiD2dc
That flaming cocksmoke is only 21…and not much of a man, far as I can tell.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Calm down phycho
June 17th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’m afraid I just blue myself
June 17th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
so this is what I do know. Just waiting for the mail order parts to come in.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
LEAVE Elias Coblentz ALONE! LEAVE HIM ALONE!
June 17th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I’m listed as one of Elias’s favorite movies on his YouTube page. Probably because Gary Busey is ape-scat crazy too.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
is where they now have the internets.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
So nobody has alerted Principal Knea (principal@gdlschool.org) to this foul-mouthedness? The student handbook clearly states that “through word and sacrament, we proclaim, witness, nurture, and teach God‘s eternal truth to all people.” If this is the word, I’d hate to see the sacrament prong being dished out in the K-8 lunchroom.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I’d post a video in response to you guys, but it’s time for mom to cut my hair again.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
“So nobody has alerted Principal Knea (principal@gdlschool.org) to this foul-mouthedness? The student handbook clearly states that “through word and sacrament, we proclaim, witness, nurture, and teach God‘s eternal truth to all people.” If this is the word, I’d hate to see the sacrament prong being dished out in the K-8 lunchroom.”
done’d
June 17th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I need to switch to a better dandruff shampoo. The Head & Shoulders obviously isn’t working. Damn itchy scalp!
June 17th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Christmas comes early for you this year, Cubs fans! I’m a walking Whitman’s Sampler of Cardinals-fan stereotypes delivered fresh to your computer!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Elias Coblength? Is that standard Del Monte sweet corn length or Pioneer Hybrid Bt? How deep CAN you shove an ear of corn up yer ass, Coblength?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:21 am
A Brewers fan who enjoys Desipio (there had to be one) reedited the video, using only words Elias really said and came up with what Elias really meant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwXwIe6pvhs
Pretty, pretty good.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Thanks, Andy, for posting the link to my first version of that whack job Cardinals fan, Elias. I have now posted a long version to YouTube. As my very angry Cubs fan friend stated last night . . . “It’s time for Brewers and Cubs fans to temporarily unite and defeat these hicks.” In that spirit I unite with all of you Cubs fans! Have fun watching Elias reveal himself to the world . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfEciB-1Zc
A Temporary Cubs Fan!
June 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
True Blue,
I’m still pissed the Brewers left the AL.
Otherwise, great cinematic work!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Ow, my shoulder.
What’s that calendar say? 1985?
June 20th, 2008 at 12:35 am
I pitched for the Cubs?
June 21st, 2008 at 7:17 pm
In-breeding never ceases to amaze me
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
HE KNOWS HOW BIG MY PENIS IS?
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Wow, I had only ever seen this entry at work, where youtube is cut off. I was simply imagining what this guy was saying.
Don’t know why it took me so long to finally watch it, but it was far, far more bat**** crazy than I thought it was going to be. And the rest of his videos???
WTF!??
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 pm
True blue brew crew…i have only one word for you
BRA-VO!!!! I NEARLY PEEED IT WAS SO FUNNY
June 24th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
It’s amazing that David Eckstein finds the time to make Cubs hate videos.