Sometimes, you just have to love the way timing works. On Tuesday, I finally got around to writing my e-mail to ESPN about getting them to stop sending me their wretched magazine. In the e-mail, I noted how, among lots of annoyances, one thing that really confused me was why they continue to put shirtless guys on the cover of a magazine that can’t have much of a female (or gay male) fan base. It just seemed odd.
So, I sent the e-mail, and published it here, and it got some attention beyond Desipio when Awful Announcing picked it up. I even got an e-mail from an ESPN contributor who writes in the magazine from time to time, and let’s just say he wasn’t defending the quality or content of the publication.
I also got a reply from ESPN, a lot faster than I thought, and as you would expect it’s basically a form e-mail, but it’s a beauty of a form e-mail. So I thought I’d post it here, and I figured I ought to get a copy of the latest cover of the magazine to run with it. And guess what? Yes, another shirtless dude. Hey, at least they’re consistent.
Here is the response I got from ESPN.
Hello Andy,
Thank you for contacting us.
I’m sorry to hear you’d like to discontinue your ESPN the Magazine
subscription.ESPN the Magazine is included with your subscription to Insider. If
you’d prefer not to receive the magazine, we would be happy to mail it
to any domestic address you choose. If you do not have friends or
family members that would enjoy the magazine, we can mail it to a US
Naval ship where it can be enjoyed by our military forces. Please write
back with the option you prefer and we would be happy to make the
change. To authorize the change, please include your member name, date
of birth and the email address associated to your ESPN.com account.If an address change is completed, you may receive several issues of
ESPN the Magazine before the new address takes effect.Thanks for visiting ESPN.com.
For live assistance with this or any other issue, please call Customer
Care at 1-888-549-3776 (ESPN) between 7:00 am and 2:00 am EST.Regards,
Corey
ESPN.com Customer Care
Basically, the only option they give me is to send it to some other poor schlub who has to throw it away. And, I love the options.
If you’d prefer not to receive the magazine, we would be happy to mail it to any domestic address you choose.
Great, I love this option.
If you have a friend or loved one who you want to burden with a free subscription to a magazine that you yourself deem of insufficient quality to read yourself, we’ll send it to them!
I have Chuck’s address…looks like he’s going to start getting some fresh mail!
But what about the other option?
If you do not have friends or family members that would enjoy the magazine, we can mail it to a US Naval ship where it can be enjoyed by our military forces.
Hey, send it to a seaman! They’ve got nothing better to do than sit around on a big boat, surrounded by several hundred other men and about 14 females who sleep with one eye open and reflexively yell “Tailhook!” when they end up alone in a hallway with another sailor.
Yes, I think our armed servicemen are so spoiled, are living so high on the hog with their cushy, fun, military jobs that they deserve to be taken down a notch with a free subscription to a magazine that is the worst combination of VIBE-The Sporting News-Men’s Health-and Honcho. That seems like a great idea!
Interesting how they feel the need to send the magazine somewhere. Why not just not print one more copy next time? How about saving the postage?
You know why? Because they wouldn’t be able to brag any longer that they’re the “Fastest growing new sports magazine” if they only sent the magazine to the people who actually wanted it. And after 10 years, are you really “new” any more?
So that’s what you are left with. A magazine that you can’t get rid of. They’re either sending it to you, somebody you decide to punish with it, or some poor navy guy who honestly just wants a magazine he can get his DNA all over.
Thank you, “Corey” and thank you ESPN the Magazine. The world is a better more cluttered place because of you.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
On the bright side, the shirtless men will probably go over really well in the Navy…
July 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I move that we have an essay contest on why a Desipiot of each writer’s choosing should receive this subscription.
I’ll start working on my Huey essay right away.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Dusty Baker
Cincinnati Reds
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, OH 45202-4109
July 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
i think george castle and i should fight to the death for it.
July 17th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Who the **** am I?
July 17th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
…to a magazine that is the worst combination of VIBE-The Sporting News-Men’s Health-and Honcho.
Beautiful.
gw
July 17th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
“A magazine that is the worst combination of VIBE-The Sporting News-Men’s Health-and Honcho” ? Sounds amazing for when I’m relaxing with the imaginary family.
TBS
1010 Techwood Dr. NW
Atlanta GA 30318
July 17th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Andy,
Sending this evil publication to our boys in the military would indicate to me that you are with the terr’rists, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama. I have a much better idea, one that can help us win the War On Terror.
Osama Bin Laden
A Cave
In Hiding, Pakistan
July 17th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Um, does the Audit Bureau of Circulation know about ESPN’s practice of sending copies of ESPN the Magazine to the unwilling? Does Disney care to be in the center of a circulation fraud case?
July 17th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
This seems obvious:
Corey
ESPN.com Customer Care
ESPN Plaza
Bristol, CT 06010
July 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I’d like to nominate Rich Hill as most deserving. Receiving this magazine and knowing the fans are behind him may give him the self-confidence to dominate like I know he can!!
Rich Hill
Daytona Cubs
Jackie Robinson Ballpark
105 E. Orange Avenue
Daytona Beach, FL 32114
July 17th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Harold Reynolds
TBS Sports
190 Marietta St. NW
Atlanta, GA 30303
July 17th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Eeeh I’ll take it
July 17th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I won’t ever hear from these douche bags again…my recent exchange with the “Mag”
Thank you for contacting us.
We value the comments and opinions of our fans. Your comments in
reference to the ESPN Magazine will be forwarded to the appropriate
department for review.
Thanks for visiting ESPN.com.
For live assistance with this or any other issue, please call Customer
Care at 1-888-549-3776 (ESPN) between 7:00 am and 2:00 am EST.
Regards,
Dan
ESPN.com Customer Care
Original Message Follows:
————————-
Way too many shirtless dudes on the cover any more. Please stop this or
I will be forced to cancel my subscription. Not a big fan of your “too
cool” layout either….put some sports news in the magazine for
starters, might be able to hold my attention then..as it is, the
magazine arrives, lays on the counter until I take it to the shitter a
few days later and piles up there virtually unread because of the lack
of content. Wish I had my $94.00 back for the 3 year subscription I
purchased…yikes…the magazine sucks almost as bad as big, fat. loud,
unfunny Boomer.
–
July 17th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Send it to me, dude.
I need a huge, fresh coaster every few weeks for my giant beer mugs in my office.
Sincerely, your assclown in the STL.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Somebody get Elias’ home addy.
He loves shirtless guys, but mainly when its himself.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Jay Mariotti
Chicago Sun Times
350 N Orleans St.
Chicago,IL 60654
July 18th, 2008 at 12:34 am
And I look about 14 years old, which adds CREEPY into the mix of everything that’s wrong with ESPN mag
July 18th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Send it to:
Elias Coblentz – Food Prep
Gloria Dei Lutheran School
1711 Ring Road
Elizabethtown, KY 42701
July 18th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I would have been the butt of this joke if I you all didn’t positive me so much.
You can still send it to me. I need JO material like any other guy.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I LOVE YOU ABUCK!!!!
ahem, are there any naked soccer dudes in that mag? I might be interested.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Why not covers featuring me and other relatively-hot sports chicks? Can you imagine a cover with their own employee Erin Andrews on it? It would be the top-seller in history. Paula Creamer in one of her pink golf outfits? Sue Bird? Julianne Hough in a Cubs jersey to promo a story on the end of the 100-year drought?
July 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Man…I spread my butt cheeks!
July 18th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
What’s the problem? We like the topless dudes on the covers.
Then again, we have topless dude fans come out of the stands and beat up opposing coaches.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Send the email to the advertisers. It’s always nice to buy space in a pub where actual readership is nowhere near the number of mailouts.
July 19th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Is that a bikini-covered breast sticking out of his chest, or the end of his fagboard?
Or is ESPN being clever and ripping said fag’s manhood? No chance of that.
July 19th, 2008 at 10:09 am
you guys are missing the obvious. Everybody should mail it back to ESPN. Make the stupid schleps pay postage on 10,000 magazines, sent right to Bristol
July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
ESPN has been a monopoly for so long, they don’t know how to produce a relavent product worth watching / reading. watch FSN Baseball Report if you want real scoreboard information and not Suwx or Skankees highlights and gossip.