That's Jake on the right.How’s that for a miserable headline?  I was channeling my inner Al Yellon and came up with that bit of wit.  I then banned another 40 people who I feel might have Desipio ties, no matter how indirect, from Bleed Cubbie Blue.  And it felt good.

The rumors persist that not only have the Cubs talked to the Padres about 2007 Cy Young Award Winner Jake Peavy, but that the Cubs are now the front-runners to trade for him.  This is astonishing considering three things.

1. The Cubs farm system sucks harder than a Jonas Brothers concert.

2. Peavy is owed about $60 million bucks in the remainder of his deal.

3. Seriously, have you seen the Cubs prospects?  They’re awful.

So maybe it’s all a smokescreen.  Maybe it’s just the Padres trying to put pressure on the team they really want to deal with, the Braves.  It wouldn’t be the first time.

Last week, I had a lot of fun mocking a Barry Rozner column about a potential Jake Peavy trade.  And some of you now think it’s funny that rumors are that it might happen.  But you either forgot, or are too busy to actually read, what I thought was so funny.  It was this part.

The Cubs can first send a package of, say for the sake of argument, Felix Pie and Sean Marshall to San Diego. It gives the Padres someone to patrol that huge outfield and an inexpensive, left-handed starter.

Then, the Cubs find a team like the Reds, Rangers or Rockies, or any club that can’t attract free agents but has some prospects, and the Cubs send them Marquis and maybe a Kevin Hart type, a starter or two that third club can immediately add to its staff.

That team turns around and sends the Padres a couple or three top prospects close to reaching the majors, and you’ve got the framework for a deal.

The part about trading Jason Marquis and Kevin Hart for “a couple or three top prospects close to reaching the majors” was the funny part.  Nearly as ridiculous as this:

According to what we can cobble together from all of the varying Internet and radio reports, we can gather this much.

The Padres seem to actually be interested in some of the Cubs younger players.

The Padres would prefer that the Braves just sac it up, put Yunel Escobar and the fourth Hanson brother, Tommy in the deal and get it done with.

The Braves don’t want to trade their best young players and have to take on Peavy’s contract.  Peavy, through his agent Barry Axelrod (longtime pal of Barry Rozner, maybe all Barry’s know each other?) has told the Braves that he doesn’t want to play on a team that will suck, and that apparently he thinks Yunel Escobar is the 21st Century version of Alex Rodriguez, and he doesn’t want to play for the Braves if they trade him.

None of this would have happened if Yunel’s older brother hadn’t been shot by Search Bloc back in ’93.

Bruce Levine of ESPN Radio 1000 emerged from his mom’s basement (for Christmas she’s going to let him put his hideabed in the garage) to report he thinks a trade will happen and the Cubs will send the Padres Sean Marshall (not bad), Ronny Cedeno (bad, dumb, dumb, dumb), Mitch Atkins (no, not THE Mitch Atkins), and Felix Pie (mmmm, pie) for Peavy.  Actually, he may have said Marshall OR Atkins, not even and.  It was hard to hear him, what with the bell on the door constantly ringing at the Bates Motel…I mean, the newsroom.

Bruce Miles of the Daily Herald says earlier reports that Jeff Eyechart’s no-trade clause was “partial” were wrong, and so the best wide receiver in Chicago and his fabulous hair will not be included in the trade.  Bruce also said that the Padres have not inquired about the availability of Mike Fontenot, but that Fontenot is available for bot mitzvahs.

Scott Miller from CBSSportsline.com said he thinks the Braves are still the front runners because they are now willing to include outfielder Gorkys Hernandez in the deal.  This doesn’t sound right to me.  Everybody on the Welsh Alternative Rock scene knows they broke up years ago.

(Thought I was going with a Porky’s joke, didn’t you?  Hah, I am not that easy!)

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKZV1MSldJk]

Oh, never mind.

What’s motivating the Cubs to pursue this trade?  Pitching wasn’t really their problem last year after all.

First, you can never have too much pitching.  (This is false, of course, if you had 18 pitchers you’d only have seven position players, and that’d be too much pitching.)

Second, Peavy’s pretty friggin’ good.

Third, Ryan Dempster’s regular season was astonishing last year.  Nobody expected a goofy Canadian who had been a reliever for the previous four seasons would end up going 17-6 with a 2.96 ERA in 206 innings.  At 31.  In the pitching starved free agent market, somebody’s going to overpay him and give him five years (a disaster waiting to happen) so the Cubs are looking at Peavy as Dempster’s replacement.  But if he is serious about staying in Chicago at a more sensible set of numbers they could concievably end up with both.

Whatever the case, I’m sure it’s all just the preamble to the Cubs awesome postseason plan of turning first base over to a Kevin Millar-Aubrey Huff platoon!