I’m not going to buy into any conspiracy theories. I’m sure it was just a coincidence that St. Louis World War II veteran Albert Pujols got as many votes in the last seven days of All-Star voting as Barry Bonds got THE ENTIRE TIME. I’m sure it was just the cosmic tumblers coming into alignment that dropped Sammy Sosa from second in the outfield voting to a convienient fourth, too.

I’m not going to get too worked up over it, though. Remember in 1984 when Ryne Sandberg got a miracle surge like this and passed Steve Sax on the last day? Major League Baseball has a unique way of counting votes at time. And, given that the All-Star Game is being held in the heart of Chicago Democratic Machine territory this year, it makes sense that the votes wouldn’t actually add up.

For the most part, the teams were pretty well selected. There are, of course a few guys who shouldn’t have gotten in who did, and some guys who should have who didn’t. But then, that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?

The undeserved
Dusty and the NL guys did a pretty good job. The only questionable picks include Rondell White who’s having a fine year (.284, 16, 48) but not an All-Star year. The rules say that a Padre has to go, so Rondell gets to. He’s a great guy, and it’s nice that he gets to go to an All-Star Game before his knees fall off.

Richie Sexson got picked and not Geoff Jenkins? I know outfielders are a dime a dozen, but Jenkins has more RBI and a higher batting average than his Brewers teammate. Did those three homers really make that big of a difference?

But Mike Williams AND Armando Benitez? Are you kidding me? You know who’s fault this is? This is Bob Brenly’s fault. He screwed up the All-Star Game least year and this year Dusty compensated by taking extra pitchers. Great. These two clowns ought to be just thrilling to watch. At least we’ll get more offense than we’re used to.

The AL had a challenge, in that they had to find somebody from Tampa Bay, but instead they picked one of the Backstreet Boys (Lance Carter–WTF? Who is this guy?), they had to pick a Tiger, so they went with Dmitri Young and they had to pick the 2003 version of Cincinnati’s Jack Armstrong–Sox starter Stevie Loaiza. You know, and I know that Stevie’s second half will be a disaster, but like Armstrong and Atlee Hammaker before him, Loaiza’s doomed to flop. It happens to the best. Greg Maddux was 15-3 at the All-Star Break in 1988 and he ended up 18-8.

Carl Everett is on the team? Why, is there a slot for “psycho?” He’s having a good year, not a great one. Blecch.

The deserving–but screwed

Corey Patterson should have been picked for the regular team, not for the 32nd Man crap. If he’s not one of the 30 best players in the NL I’ll eat my freaking hat.

Alex Gonzalez deserved a spot much more than Rafael Furcal. I, of course, mean the Florida Alex, not the succubus on the Cubs.

Jim Thome didn’t get a sniff. Oh, well.

But I don’t think Dontrelle Willis got screwed. If Kerry Wood wasn’t on the 1998 All-Star team, Dontrell doesn’t deserve to be on the 2003 one.

In the AL, I don’t understand why Corey Koskie was passed over for Troy Glaus (well, I do understand–but you know what I mean). As for the 32nd Man voting, as long as Jason Giambi is on the ballot it’s bad because my man, Eric Byrnes won’t make it, but it’s good because it means Frank Thomas won’t, either.

As for Sammy, this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened. His numbers aren’t bad…they’re not that good, either (.291, 13, 41). But now Sammy avoids three days of incessant corked bat questions, Major League Baseball avoids having him in the home run derby (though, corked bat or no, he puts on incredible displays in those things) and the Cubs can worry about stopping their horrendous skid towards oblivion instead of worrying about Sammy getting beaten up at the All Star Game.

Besides, the real reasons the Cubs are contenders this year are both going to the game. Wait until the AL gets a load of Kerry and Mark.

—

You would have thought that the improbable 6-5 Cubs win over the Cardinals on Saturday would have spurred them on to great things on Sunday. Alas, you’d have been wrong.

By far, the best part of the weekend was watching the Cubs shut Al Hrabosky up on Saturday. Why Fox can’t figure out they need to hire a second announcing team, is ludicrous. Did they really spend all of their money on Troy Aikman? Really? Make him do the damn games, then.

—

Kobe Bryant was arrested, but not charged with, felony sexual assault in Colorado. How can you be arrested and not charged? Ain’t that Patriot Act a grand thing? Bryant is alleged to have raped a woman in a Vail, Colorado hotel room. Usually, the only ones getting raped in Vail hotels are the customers when they have to pay the bill.

Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

Kobe’s got an interesting defense though, instead of hiring a lawyer, he’s just going to have some of the Kennedy’s invite the woman to play a little snowboard football, if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Am I the only one who thinks that Kobe HAS to be innocent? I mean, he’s married! Married NBA players don’t go around sleeping with other women. Come on! The next thing you’ll tell me is that Michael Jordan used to have sex with white women and then pay them to keep quiet about it, or something.

—

Vote early, vote often for Corey. And for Eric Byrnes for that matter.

Sammy says, “I’ll be back.”

Frank Thomas is used to getting snubbed. Mostly by his ex-wife, though. In fact, she called him “Snubby.” Or something.

Cubs lose, Corey hurts knee. Hey, great! I’ll be out self-flagellating if you need me.

Phil Rogers thinks that Frank’s an All-Star. I think that Phil’s a dumbass. How do you like that?

Mike Downey says that Martina Navratilova won her 20th Wimbledon title this weekend. She apparently won in mixed doubles. What woman did she play with?

Greg Couch says cork or no cork, toe or no toe, Sammy’s an All-Star by its very definition.

Jayson Stark urinates all over the All-Star picks.

Peter Gammons says the Marlins won’t trade Mike Lowell (you watch, he’s a Cub by January 1), that the Cardinals think Rick Ankiel is coming back (they’re deluded) and that only the White Sox and Royals still thought Robbie Alomar could play second. They’ll find that they were both wrong.

Underwear supermodel Line Pasquarelli previews the NFC South.

A Missouri basketball player hurt himself by falling off an All-Terrain Vehicle at a party…at the school president’s house. I’m not making this up.

Kobe needs to look up the meaning of the word besmirch.

Barry White was never white, but now he’s Barry dead.

Sharon Stone is divorcing her husband’s creepy mustache.

Is it wrong that I’d go on a Star Date with Tiffany? As long as we don’t have to go to the mall so she can have a concert. “I think I’m alone now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone around… I think I’m alone now. My career peaked in 1989!”…

Time to bury Jed Clampett under the c-ment pond. Whee doggies!

Howard Kurtz says it’s important for a presidential candidate to do well on Tim Russert’s Show. Take it from the guy who ran Fern Dwyer’s ill-fated run in 2000, it’s equally important to do well on The Michael Essany Show.

Call me crazy, but really, who hasn’t caused a taxi cab to crash by masturbating in it?

A British Girl won an anatomically correct stuffed Hulk doll. How…nice?

Kobe wants everybody to know he’s never even been to New Delhi!

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