At 5 p.m. our time (assuming you live in the Central Time Zone) on New Year’s Day, while most of Chicago has just finished up watching hockey for the first time…well, ever, and drinking away their hangovers from the night before, a little bit of televised goodness will light up DirecTV channel 213 (and on other channels on various cable providers around the country).  Currently three professional sports leagues in the US have 24-hour networks.  The NFL Network, which nobody gets, NBA-TV watched only by Phylicia Rashad and Kelly Dwyer, and NHL TV watched by no one.  But on Thursday Major League Baseball joins the fray.  Twenty-four hours a day, baseball, all year long?  What can go wrong with this?

The only league that actually deserves its own channel gets one.  This is going to be great!  Just think of all the time we can waste watching this crap!  I can’t wait.

Or, I couldn’t wait until I saw the “talent” they’d assembled and their TV lineup.  Let’s just say I’m still hopeful, just a little more skeptical.

The main “face” of this network is going to be Matt Vasgersian, best known as the former voice of the XFL (probably not on his resume anymore) and part of the best broadcast team around, when he teams with Dave Campbell (and an obviously high Rex Hudler) on MLB The Show.  Yes, it’s a video game.

The only problem with Vasgersian is that it’s going to be hard to hear his voice and not think of the overnight coverage of the Olympics on NBC.  He’s hosted it the last two or three times.  You know, when it’s too late even for Jim Lampley, they bring in Matt.

“Coming up after the break, see how the curling squad led by Matt Stairs held up over at the Ice Palace!”

Every network needs a media guy who supposedly has contacts all over the league and can get on top of all the juicy rumors.  Apparently, at the MLB Network it’s going to be SI.com’s (formerly of Newsday) Jon Heyman.    Because if anybody’s going to be running around with half-assed rumors, it’s going to be a halfass like Heyman.

Their analysts are a little lacking.  Al Leiter’s solid enough and Joe Magrane has had his moments being droll with DeWayne Staats in Tampa.  But Harold Reynolds?  Master of the obvious Harold Reynolds?  Squeeze an intern until she pops in a Boston Market Harold Reynolds?

And Mitch Williams?  What, Lenny Dykstra’s not around to mumble and give stock tips?

The best thing the MLB Network has done is get Dan Plesac off of our Cubs postgame.  Here’s hope that he wears his little conductor’s hat on the set Thursday and gets punched in the face by Barry Larkin.

There are, of course, women involved in this.  Hazel Mae, formerly of NESN, is just exotic looking enough that Michael Scott would likely ask her if her dad was a GI, and Trenni Kusnierek are on board.  Trenni worked for Fox Sports Wisconsin the last year, and in Milwaukee for three years overall.  She seems nice enough and is mildly pretty, which makes her the best looking woman in Wisconsin history.

And, apparently when she smiles she tries to drive her top teeth through her jaw.

That’s a natural smile.  For a German Shepherd.

So all in all, the lineup’s not terrible.  I mean how are you going to compete with Rich Eisen or Ron Burke?  And the network’s going to offer some cool stuff.  More spring training coverage than any human would ever need, live cut ins to games all night long during the season.  A chance to see every game in the World Baseball Classic (which I like, and not just because Hank White is going to lead Venezuela to the championship this time).  And more classic games than we can shake a stick at.  I mean, there’s a chance to see an Iorg brother in double knits every day!  How can you not love that?

Well, you can not love it when they have Don Larsen’s perfect World Series game cued up FIVE times in the first 24 hours the network is on.  You can not love the fact that they’ve given Ken Burns a show.  Oooh, goody, more sepia tone bullshit from a guy who thinks they’ve never played a game west of Baltimore.  You can not love it when of the first seven shows they list on their “lineup” one is called “Rising Sons” and it’s about the Japanese influence on Major League Baseball.  Because really, you can’t get enough of Hideki Irabu, So Taguchi or showing racist t-shirts in tribute to Kosuke Fukudome.

Ahh, I’m nitpicking.  Everything produced from their studios will be in HD, they built a ludicrous set that includes a mini baseball field with field turf, an out of town scoreboard that works and bleachers that seat 173 people (one for every Pissburgh Pirates season ticket holder!)  Their main set includes a shitload of monitors, six unique broadcast positions including one they bill as a “balcony.”

For these guys:

Which one of those is Pete Van Wieren?

But what New Year’s Day really is all about is this.  It’s only six weeks until pitchers and catchers report.

Giddy up.