Wait, which hand is the glove on?Fresh off a 97 win regular season and a perfectly awful postseason, the Cubs are back in Mesa and getting ready for the longest Spring Training in memory.  Somehow, adding the World Baseball Classic to the mix has resulted in more spring training games and an extra week of camp.  Uh, shouldn’t the guys playing in the WBC actually be farther ahead because of it?  Do they really need an extra week tacked onto camp when they get back?

Jim Hendry had a busy offseason and a lot of our least favorite Cubs are off the roster and he brought in a whole new batch of soon-to-be least favorite Cubs to take their place.

Now seems like a good time to re-acquaint ourselves with the roster.

The Cubs didn’t make any changes to the coaching staff.  Lou Piniella is back gunning for a third straight NL Central championship and hoping to finally overtake luminaries like Tom Trebelhorn, Preston Gomez, Jim Riggleman and Bruce Kimm on the list for Cubs’ playoff wins.

That means Larry Rothschild returns for his eighth season as Cubs’ pitching coach.  He’s survived four managers, two GMs, Antonio Alfonseca and Will Ohman.  After a nuclear blast the only thing left will be cockroaches doing towel drills with Larry.

Gerald Perry returns for another season as hitting coach.  He put in a good word for Milton Bradley, who he worked with in Oakland a few years back.  Gerald knows how to keep his cool.  After all this is a guy who punched out Dave Duncan during batting practice before a Pirates-Cardinals game a few years back.  Hey, I’m not saying the guy didn’t deserve it.

Alan Trammell has the best handwriting on the staff, so he gets to hang out by the scorecard in the dugout.  Matt Sinatro’s still coaching first, where his main job is to find body parts to put the shin protectors of guys who reach base during long rallies.  The hairless wonder returns at third and the guy is just plain creepy.

The infield comes back largely intact, except for Mark DeRosa.  In two seasons DeRosa apparently became the greatest Cub of all-time, because his departure is already more lamented than when Greg Maddux took off for Atlanta in the early ’90s.  Hey, I liked the guy, too, but he’s 34, he’s only a passable second baseman (but a really good defensive third baseman for what that’s worth) and his Baseball Reference comps include Mark Ellis, Mike Lamb and Felix Mantilla.  Get over it.

Derrek Lee is back for another year at first base.  With Kerry Wood gone to play in the sandbox in Cleveland with DeRosa, Derrek’s the coolest Cub.  I wish he’d stop whining when Cubs’ fans boo other players (to his credit, he never complains when they boo him), and a move from third to sixth in the batting order is long overdue.  But he was the only Cubs’ batter to show up for the Dodger series, and he’s still the balls defensively at first base.

Second base is likely the domain of little Mike Fontenot.  The DeRosa trade was done for three possible reasons 1) to get Fontenot into the lineup because he’s lefthanded and has some pop, 2) to get three pitching prospects to either keep or trade for a Jagermeister swilling pitcher or 3) because for once in his life Hendry decided to sell high on a guy.  Who are we kidding?  We all know it was two.

Fontenot had a really good year last year hitting .305 with a .909 OPS, and he actually hit lefties better than righties.  Though, he only ended up with 21 at bats against lefties, let’s just say Lou had a thing for hiding him from lefthanded pitching.  He actually pinch hit for Fontenot in an inning in which Mike had already hit a homer.

His cajun cousin, Ryan Theriot is back to play short.  Theriot also put up good numbers, even if defensively he’s just not a shortstop.  Offensively he’s good at one thing, and that’s getting on base.  That’s fine.  It’s a good skill to have.  It would be nice if it were paired with either the ability to steal bases (he stole 24, but got caught an astonishing 13 times) or score runs (he scored 85 times on the highest scoring team in the National League, and he was on base more than 260 times).  Now you can make a good point that scoring runs is far more dependent on the guys who hit behind you than on you, yourself.  I’m sure that’s true, even in Ryan’s case.  It just seemed like he was getting thrown out blindly running to third base like 47 times last year.  Should Theriot move to the leadoff spot?  After all, the basestealing thing could have been an aberration, he was only caught four times in 32 attempts in 2007.  We’ll get to who should hit where later.

Given the roster turnover in recent years, only one Cub has been on the team longer than E-ramis Ramirez at third.  Ramirez is the Cubs best hitter, and during the regular season he demonstrates a great deal of clutchiness.  He also hit a grand slam in the 2003 NLCS against the Marlins.  You remember that, it won game four, and put the Cubs up 3-1 in the series and… Sigh.  Last year, E-ramis was in better shape, played more games and played consistently better than he did the year before.  His walks went up, too.  So did his strikeouts, but still, for a guy who is first and foremost a slugger he has only struck out 100 times once in his career and that was eight years ago at AAA Pissburgh.

With the departure of the dumbest Cub since Manny Alexander to Seattle, Aaron Miles is the only utility infielder on the team.  He’s 5’2, can’t really play shortstop, and while he’s certainly not a bad player, he’s only had one really good year and it was last year in St. Louis.  And for those who think he might be a choice to lead off?  Last year he did post a .355 on base average but before that he’d never done better than .328 in any season in which he batted more than 12 times.

So you’re looking at that infield and you’re thinking, the Cubs have three second baseman (all shorter than Evangeline Lilly) and no shortstops.  And you’d be right.

The catching postion is better, albeit thinner than it’s been since the glory days of Jody Davis (such as those were.)  Geovany Soto exceeded even the most optimistic expectations last year and easily won the Rookie of the Year award.  He’s a plus defender, has good power, and the only real flaw in his game is a propensity to go on strikeout binges.  Maybe the only red flag with him is that Lou likes him so much he caught 141 games last year.  Every time you thought he was wearing out he’d start hitting again.  But it wouldn’t kill the Cubs to give him a few more days off.

The backup catcher is going to either be Koyie Dolan Hill or Gabor Paul Bako III.  Both of them suck.  Koyie is a switch hitter who can’t hit, and Gabor is a lefty batter who can’t hit.  Gabor is supposed to be a defensive whiz, but if his first stint with the Cubs is any indication that’s bullshit.  Koyie impressed with everything but his bat during the short run he got as the starter in 2007, but then he went and cut most of his right hand off in the offseason.  Sources close to the Cubs say Lou likes Koyie and he has an actual chance of beating Gabor out.  Let’s hope.

The outfield picture is pretty clear, for better or worse.  Alfonso Soriano, the Cubs happy, jumping, left fielder will man that spot, and more likely than not the leadoff spot on the days when he hasn’t torn a leg muscle.  For as much crap as Soriano has taken in his two years as a Cub, he’s really produced as well as was expected.  The big caveat is that he never was hurt before and he’s been hurt, and that those injuries have slowed him on the bases.  But at the plate, he’s pretty much exactly as advertised.  The Cubs knew they were overpaying him when they got him.  Just paying him like a super-duper-star wasn’t going to make him one.  He’s a good player, when he’s hot he’s a great one, but he has never been a consistently great player.  He is also not an ideal leadoff hitter.  His career on-base average of .329 is abysmal for someone who bats first.  Though last year he had his second best on base season of his career in that department, getting on at a .350 or better clip most of the season until finishing at .344.  He’s not a conventional lead off hitter.  He doesn’t take pitches and he doesn’t run very much any more.  But there’s something to be said for having him in that spot.

First, he hits better there than anywhere else in the lineup.  You would think that putting him another spot and forcing him to stay there would snap him out of it, but nobody’s ever really tried that before.  They move him down, he struggles, they move him back.

Second, he’s a presence in that spot.  Opposing pitchers have to fear leading off the game with a bomb.  That doesn’t happen enough to outweigh his lack of on base average, but  the fact that having a slugger in the leadoff spot impacts the bottom of the order might.  On most teams once you get to the seventh spot, as a pitcher, you get some breathing room.  Seven and eight probably don’t have much pop, then you’ve got the pitcher, then one and two.  But with the Cubs, you face the equivalent of a clean up hitter looming behind the pitcher’s spot.

The impact is probably purely antecdotal and meaningless.  But when he’s missed stretches of games the last two seasons, that’s the first thing you notice as a  Cubs’ fan.  When Soriano’s not there, the top and bottom of the order get lighter.  Of course last year the Cubs had a very deep lineup, batting Soto and DeRosa eighth a considerable amount of time.  But if you run into a stretch of Bako, Fukudome, Dempster, Theriot, Fontenot, you might find yourself pining for the good old days of Soriano in the one spot.

Center field figures to be a time share between Reed Johnson and Kosuke, with Kosuke getting the bulk of the at bats because he bats lefthanded.  Johnson excelled in a platoon role last year driving in 50 runs and hitting .303 in 333 at bats.  Kosuke started well then kamikaze’d into the abyss.  It’s hard to get a read on what happened or why.  Early in the season Kosuke was able to spray the ball around the field, but by June he was spinning around the batters’ box like a top.  You’d like to think it’s unlikely that he’ll struggle like that again, but you can’t be too confident until you see him make some progress.

Kosuke has moved from right to center to accommodate the Cubs’ big offseason acquisition, Milton Bradley.  Milton can flat out hit.  He always has been able to.  He’s also always been injury prone and likely to snap and start throwing things (baseballs, tantrums, anterior cruciate ligaments).  He comes with the biggest IF on the team.  IF he can play even 130 games, he will hit a ton, the Cubs will score another shitload of runs and all will be well.  IF he gets hurt again, Kosuke ends up back in right, Reed gets exposed to righties and you’ll be pining for the preening Lassie Edmonds to return to play center.

The fifth outfield spot is either going to Joey Gathright (most likely), So Taguchi (guh) or Micah Hoffpauir.  Gathright played for Lou in Tampa and Lou must not remember him, or it’s unlikely he’d want him back.  He was supposed to be the next Kenny Lofton when he was coming up through the Tampa system, but his stats are about as imposing as Kenny G.  He had one good stretch in Kansas City in 2007,  and that’s about it.  Taguchi has looked 12 for 34 years now, he’s really just around to hang with Kosuke.  Kosuke is so excited that he signed up for the World Baseball Classic again, and won’t show up to camp until mid-March.  Hoffpauir annihilated AAA last year, but he’s a man without a position.  He’s an adequate first baseman but he’s no Derrek Lee.  He’s a statue in the outfield.  If he threw with his right hand he could fill in as a statue at third on occasion and that would have improved his chances of sticking.

(This morning one of the morning sports talk radio shows discussed giving Hoffpauir a run at third for a good five minutes, they never did realize he’s lefthanded, and only their desire to talk about the great John Salmons ended that conversation.  To be fair, nobody called in to correct them, either.)

The pitching staff is pretty familiar.  Carlos Zambrano showed up with a big mustache, but has since shaved it off.  The comic potential of Carlos stomping around the mound with a Leroy Neiman ‘stache is already missed.  Last year Carlos sandwiched a no hitter in between bouts of shoulder soreness.  He also won a Silver Slugger and claims to be blind in one eye.

Ryan Dempster signed a big contract after a great regular season.  A regular season that is now forgotten because of his pants wetting performance (seven walks) in game one of the NLDS.  It just gives me another reason to loathe him, you know other than his obnoxiously obvious “comedy” attempts.

Lou has taken to calling Ted Lilly “Theodore” and it’s probably because he’s still worried that Theodore will kill him in his sleep for failing to get him a playoff start last year.  The fear is not unfounded.

Rich Harden is not Mark Prior, repeat, Rich Harden is not Mark Prior.  Well, yet anyway.  You have to feel comforted that he has a tear in his shoulder.  I mean, really, how big of a deal can that be?

Sean Marshall gets the first crack at the fifth starter’s job, well, unless Captain Jagermeister flies in from San Diego at the start of the season.  The laconic lefty is a valuable guy for the Cubs, he can start or he can be a LOOGY in the bullpen.  He also looks to be just recovering from the business end of a nap every time you see him.

Carlos Marmol has not been given the closer’s job yet, but it has to be a formality.  Our big eared friend is the most dominant force a National League bullpen has to offer.  If anything moving to closer might keep him better rested, as Lou is less likely to pitch him more than an inning at a time that often.  Then again, when the Cubs take a road trip through St. Louis, Pissburgh and Houston somebody’s got to strike out the side in the ninth nine games in a row.

Kevin Gregg wears glasses and has a sore knee.  Great, now where’s Kerry Wood again?

If Neal Cotts doesn’t make the team it’s because 41 year old Mike Stanton beat him out for the job.  And if that happens, Cheesecake Factory can always use more bus boys, Neal.

Aaron Heilman’s best pitch is a change up.  Don’t you hate guys like that?  He’s still reeling from having a creepy Resident Assistant when he was at Notre Dame.  Right, Kermit?

Luis Vizcaino was the penalty  the Cubs had to pay for the Rockies to take most of Jason Marquis’ salary.  Honestly, it probably wasn’t worth it.  I’m only kind of kidding, here.

Remember Randy Wells?  He pitched in a game in St. Louis last September and then his arm fell off.  Let’s keep him and Chad Fox apart, shall we?

Chad Gaudin decided to grow a beard in the offseason and said he only turned it into a chinbeard because it was “getting in my eyes.”  Holy crap, how hairy is this guy?

Angel Guzman is back for another shot.  Wait, is this Angel Guzman or Jose Guzman, and at this point, does it matter?

So there they are (most of) your 2009 Chicago Cubs.  (You know, except for the corner infield backup and lefty reliever Hendry grabs off waivers the last week of spring training.)