Adding Gary Payton to fill the gaping hole at point guard was a stroke of genius for Lakers coach and general manager Phil Jackson, but Karl Malone, too?

Huh? OK, sure, Mitch Kupchak is the Lakers GM…sure, whatever…but the point remains the same. NBA titles are won with threesomes. You know, Magic-Kareem-Worthy, Bird-McHale-Parish, Jordan-Pippen-Rodman, Olajuwon…uh, um, Olajuwon..and Olajuwon.

You know what four superstars on the same team gets you? A big honking headache and a second round upset of gargantuan proportions.

As far as I can tell the Lakers strategy is that given the mileage on the bodies of Malone, Payton and Shaq that the wheels will fall off of one of them. Then, when Kobe gets out of prison, you’ll have your big three. It’s genius!

I know what you’re saying to yourself (or yelling at the computer). You’re saying, “Andy, though you’re incredibly handsome, witty and charming, you’re a moron! You can’t have too much talent, you doofus. You’ve been watching Chicago teams too much. You know, the kinds of teams that rally around one flawed “superstar” and never win anything.”

My answer to that is a confident, “so!?!”

Look, when you add the salaries of Gary Payton and Karl Malone together you get $6.4 million or roughly what Kerry Wood is making this year. If you’re the Lakers, there’s no way you can say no to that. It’s a steal. It’s like going to Best Buy, deciding you want the 40″ flat screen TV and having the six-toothed college dropout at the check out counter accidentally ringing it up as a $9.99 Ernest Goes to Camp DVD. You don’t think about it, you just load the TV in the car and drive off like a bat out of hell.

That’s Mitch Kupchak today with two 40″ flat screens hanging out of his Benz today.

Sigh.

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This Kobe Bryant thing is very interesting. Here’s what we know now. Witnesses say that on the night in question (lawyer speak) that Kobe flirted with a pretty, blonde 19-year old hotel employee. A few hours later he ordered room service and she switched duties with another concierge (French word for lackey) so she could take the food up to Kobe.

A short time later, another hotel guest called to complain about noise coming from Kobe’s room. Then, the 19-year old hotel employee was seen crying.

Then, Kobe had to take a cab with some sheriff’s deputies to another city so he could go to the hospital for a DNA test, and the girl went to the hospital in Vail for a DNA test, and so on and so forth.

On a radio show this morning, the idiot female sidekick said the girl “deserved it” if she went to Kobe’s room that late at night. She then went on to say that since it has been learned that the girl, who is reportedly an accomplished pianist (so many jokes, so little time) and vocalist (again, so many jokes, so little time) tried out for American Idol. The female sidekick felt that proved her point.

Here’s the deal. We don’t know what happened in the Playa Suite at that hotel that night. Maybe Kobe came to the door wearing only a smile and his new Nikes. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe Kobe went all Mike Tyson on her. Who knows?

All I know is that I can empathize with both parties in this case. Let me explain.

Back in the 50’s I had a summer job in the Catskills, bussing tables and such. I had a crush on this rich girl with a big nose. Her sister was giving it up to this rapskallion (I have no idea how to spell that) college boy, and he ended up knocking her up—but that’s another story. Just when I thought I had Baby all to myself, some greaser dance instructor came in and stole her away. Broke my heart. I cried for weeks. It was awful. Not as awful as when Baby grew up, got her nose fixed and played herself on a terrible Seinfeld ripoff sitcom.

Since that time, I have become America’s favorite Internet sports columnist, and in my role, I have women throwing themselves at me. If I had a dollar for everytime a woman has left my hotel room crying…and saying…”Look, I wouldn’t do that for twice what you offered!” I’d be a rich man.

All I’m saying is…this will all get ironed out on CourtTV sometime this fall. So let’s wait until then to judge Kobe or the hot 19-year old hotel employee. Who, for all we know, could look very much like this:

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The Bears were all set to use a third round supplemental draft choice on South Carolina Senator Fritz Hollings, but the Houston Texans beat them to the punch. Fritz seems like a good guy, but isn’t he a little old to be a running back? Besides, if you were going to draft a member of congress to play football wouldn’t it be Jerry Nadler?

Huh? Tony Hollings? Who? You mean the Georgia Tech guy who’s only played four games at running back? That’s even dumber than drafting Fritz!

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The Cubs stink. How’s that for analysis? But now they’re making headlines for off the field stuff. Like Jim Hendry saying he’s definitely going to make some moves before the trade deadline. As if this should be news. I don’t care what the Cubs record is, they’re only two games out of first place. The Cardinals are not that good and the Astros are bound to stop playing the hapless Reds any day now. Of course he should make some moves.

Yesterday, Moises Alou came to the defense of El Pulpo and said that the fans should stop booing him. This morning on the world’s worst sports radio show, Mike Murphy acted indignant about Moises coming to the defense of his teammate. Look, you and I know we have every right to boo the hell out of the 24-digited freak, but the minute he can’t find a teammate to at least defend him, well, that’s when the team falls apart. So lighten up.

Besides, both Moises and El Pulpo had pretty good quotes today.

“They did the same thing to me last year for a couple of months,” Alou said of Cubs fans booing him. “I heard it every day. Then fortunately I got hot and [Todd] Hundley flipped them off.”

That’s priceless. I loved that. That last sentence is a keeper. “Then fortunately, I got hot and Hundley flipped them off.”

And El Pulpo showed that if nothing else, he’s a sage baseball analyst. “What can I do? I can’t do nothing.”

Exactly.

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Meanwhile, in Detroit, the Sox were putting the finishing touches on their annual “throw a wet blanket on the fans enthusiasm” festival. Last week, they were the toast of baseball. They had won six of eight from the mighty Twins and Cubs and traded for Roberto Alomar and Carl Everett.

Now, a week later, the Twins are under .500 and floundering, the Cubs can’t get out of their own way and the Sox have dumped five of six to the two worst teams in the American League. Basically proving that Kenny Williams just sent six prospects out the door so his team can finish in third place…again.

Nice going.

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Rosey is on the same page with me on the Sox and Adrian Beltre. Now I’m scared. Hold me. Room service!

This joke will never get old.

Dusty is going to get a lot of attention at the All-Star Game. Let’s hope he brings his mom with so we can get another history lesson.

Scottie reached out and touched Chairman Reinsdorf. It looks like he really is coming back. Who knew?

Rick Morrissey on Kirk Hinrich’s hair. Really.

John Jackson doesn’t like NASCAR. Uh, John. I hate to break it to you, but you’re not really in the demographic they’re appealing to.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that if Kobe’s guilty he may never trust athletes again. Who cares? Shut up, Jay.

Damnit, I think I forgot to pack the toothpaste! I hate when that happens! Oh, front desk!…

Hey, can I borrow that towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Chris DeLuca got drunk, played MVP Baseball 2003 and wrote a column. Don’t try this at home.

Mike Kiley says that the Cubs are talking to the Pirates about Aramis Ramirez. One thing, Aramis is a nice cologne…not too strong, not too fruity…and PNC Park is a death knell for righty power hitters. Bring him on.

Another bum flipper. Somehow this must be Dusty’s anti-pitchcount fault!

The Wizard of Roz thinks we care what David Wells thinks about anything. He’s wrong.

The Nets are offering Alonzo Mourning $20 million. Look, you know this is a bad idea, and I know this is a bad idea. But these are the Nets, and they have a long history of embracing bad ideas. ‘Zo’s a warrior and all that crap, but he’s got a disease and it’s not likely to get better without a transplant. You might as well pile $20 million in the parking lot at the Meadowlands and light it on fire. That’s all I’m saying.

Congratulations Mandy Block, from now on you get to be called the Sausage Girl!

The Sausage Girl in Durand was very popular, but you didn’t want to marry her.

Hey, I think my SpectraVision is broken. Better call the concierge!

Marc Stein likes the Malone signing for the Lakers. Marc is just such a simp, isn’t he?

Not to get off the subject here, but I heard Chad “The Shaved Possum” Ford on ESPNRadio the other day and he missed the boat entirely on why the Heat aren’t bringing ‘Zo back. He said it was because of his illness and the fact they didn’t want to get burned if he got sick again. That’s not it for them. They can’t re-sign him, because they can’t cut his salary enough to free up any cap room. They’re screwed if they keep him. But Chad didn’t know that. You see, all Chad is, is a supposed ESPN NBA EXPERT. Oh, shoot me now.

This Bob Klapisch trade rumor smells like something that would come out of a diahrretic bull. Armando Benitez to the Giants, Felix Rodriguez to the Yankees and minor leaguers to the Mets. Why would the Mets want to deal with the Yankees, if not to saddle them with the El Pulpo-esque Benitez?

Raul Mondesi with the old, “If I’m not startin’, I’m departin’.” Where’s Garry Templeton when you need him?

The Pirates want three Dodgers pitchers for one Brian Giles. Uh, if all it takes is pitching for Brian Giles, why aren’t the Cubs in line?

Bill Plaschke’s not so sure about bringing in the Mailman. And they’re aren’t really going to let him wear 32 are they?

This movie will suck.

Is it wrong to love Mandy Moore this much? I didn’t think so.

“OK, so that’s two quarter pounders? You want glass in that?”

Even people who pretend to be Lizzy Grubman run over people. I loved this.

Newsfilter.org with proof that most people who feel the need to flash the camera at Disney’s Splash Mountain, really shouldn’t. (This isn’t really safe for work. Or if you’ve just eaten. Though there are couple who aren’t so bad.)

“That’s a large Diet Coke? You want Draino in that?”

John Kerry is campaigning with a photo of John Lennon. As long as it’s not the naked one with Yoko it’s OK. Drudge even has the photo.

An Austrailian man found out the hard way that donating sperm the “old fashioned” way to a lesbian will only cost him in the end. Besides, doesn’t this make her a really bad lesbian?

The world’s greatest newspaper says that 35 Americans are buried alive every day. The lesson, of course…be careful where you nap.

Nice of Yahoo, to pick up the world’s greatest newspaper’s story. Oops.