Pitching matchup
Cubs – Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
Astros – Roy Oswalt (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
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Pitching matchup
Cubs – Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
Astros – Roy Oswalt (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
Lineups
Cubs
LF Alfonse
CF Fukkake
1B DP-Lee
RF Crazy Milton
3B E-ramis
2B Little Fonty
C Geo Soto
SS Dance Fever
P The Lawnmower
Astros
2B Anal Fissures
C Pudge
1B Fat Lance
LF Fat Carlos
SS Convicted Purjerer
3B Gee-off Blum
RF Hunchback
CF Mike Bourn
P Roy O
In that Comcast commercial, I look like I want to molest the dog, don’t I?
The Astros are closing the roof for tonight’s game as part of their sneak attack!
Yeah, I shouldn’t lead off.
Cubs 1
Astros 0
Two more to go, Al. Two more.
Len just said the Beege is in the ballpark.
Kissy kissy!
Ahh, Kosuke, nice start. Can’t wait for the summer of 4-3.
Quick, somebody make a joke about how I can’t hit into a double play!
Hey Roy! I’m gonna fuck you up!
Throw me a strike, Roy! So I can fuck you up!
Wait, they’re not retiring my number?
Oops.
Now when i say ‘game face’ for Milton, I didn’t mean anything badly by it, Milton. I swear. Stop staring up at the press box already, please.
Time to go out and continue my opening day dominance.
MLB Network has a show on where they’re cutting into games all night long.
John Hart is my new favorite analyst, even if he keeps talking about how players have “double plus” this or that. A “double plus curve ball” or “double plus speed.” Like how Karl Ravech has “double plus hairplugs.”
here we go
I dominate you with a four pitch walk!
“Future Hall of Famer Ivan Rodriguez…” Because nobody thinks he did steroids or anything.
We lost. Sorry, BC.
no hitter still intact
Which one of you motherfuckers is shining that sun in my face?
My Phil Mickelson haircut is really slimming, isn’t it?
The Cardinals can’t serve beer at home games this year.
They lost the opener!
Hah, get it? The opener!
I came to spring training in the best shape ever…as a pear.
And there goes the no-hitter.
That’s OK Lance, round is a shape.
Carlos Lee is swinging so hard it makes my back hurt.
Wha happen?
Oooh, my anal fissure just flared up. Out on the old 9-3-6. Happens all the time.
If I’m in right, it’s 3-1.
Yeah Len, that was a intential deke by me to fake like I couldn’t reach the ball on the fly. Actually I was just trying not to cause myself a year-ending injury.
What’s the worst thing about the phony Comcast commercial about Deep Dish?
a) Steve Stone’s Keanu-like acting
b) The Kurt Evans quality photoshopped photo
c) Chris Boden’s Muppet-like face
d) All of the above
My homer was such a bomb Comcast was scared to televise it!
thanks for missing my home run guys
E-ramis and Alfonso know where the camera in the dugout is. My legacy lives on!
Buddy.
Mark DeWhosa?
Batting practice isn’t over yet.
Hey Oswalt *hick*, this isn’t *hick* Team Japan! Get somebody out! *hick*
Fuck it, get me another Dewars!
I am next going over the fence. U watch!
I’m meaty.
Sorry Chad, I’m the default winner of the Vag Chin contest now that you’re gone
How long has Theriot been using this mini-Craig Counsell stance? I think we need to kick him in the balls until he stops.
I didn’t dive for that ball, I just fell on it and got lucky.
Hah! Infield in, slow grounder to second. I’m a genius. Don’t you doubt me!
Promising inning.
Did you see me my Jimmy John’s commerical? Sweet, eh?
The Astros baserunning is in midseason form.
I don’t run so good in my 50’s.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Good god I’m a dopey looking douche.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Yeah, I (and my errors) are against Micah playing first. Derrek is just fine, thanks.
Errors from Aramis saved = 1
Shit, I have to hit read-off homer this inning?
If we have a broadcast and nobody watches, do I exist?
If I had as many cocks sticking out of me as I’ve had stuck in me, I’d look like a porcupine.
Don’t I have a high school biology class somewhere to be teaching?
The Astros have a thing on their Jumbotron called the “Dr. Guy Lewis Smile Cam.” You mean the old U of Houston coach with the checkered towel?
Probably not.
Get ready Kaz. Here comes a hot one!
How many strikes in America?
One more biscuit for breakfast.
Carlos Lee didn’t catch that, it got caught in his gravity.
Throw me a motherfucking strike here on 3-1, and see how far it flies.
I didn’t say it would be fair.
What a wasted at bat, dude.
Boy, am I terrible.
Actually, I meant me.
Is Brenly talking about my hang down?
In order to show a replay it must be shown live first otherwise it’s just a clip
I homered to put the (AAA) Iowa Orioles up 8-5.
Pudge throws out 43 percent of basestealers?
Amateur.
I’m going out on a limb here and say that Wolverine: Origins sucks. Any movie in which Liev Schreiber is the bad guy has to be a little weak.
When Bourn is slappin’ base hits against you, you know you ain’t got hardly anything left in the tank.
According to me, Liev almost played Harvey Dent in “The Dark Knight” until it went to Aaron Eckhart. If he had it would have meant that Naomi Watts would have fucked the entire cast of the movie.
Kaz intimidates me.
Yes, clearly, 73, I’m exhausted in the third inning.
I just dropped multiple “Hank White” references and referred to his “fan website”.
Also, how many announcers does one team need?
http://sandiego.padres.mlb.com/team/broadcasters.jsp?c_id=sd
Why is our centerfielder always squinting? It ain’t even sunny in here anymore!
When one of them is Andy Masur, you need a lot.
What, I’m supposed to catch that?
This Astros roster has a lot of elite, superstar players…five years ago.
My bat is, how you say, slow as shit?
How could Berkman have biceps tendonitis with no biceps?
Didn’t I hit over .300 in the WBC, BOB? Tool.
Lightning struck my arm, that’s how.
That Bank of America roller coaster Cubs commercial sucks so bad, I’m taking back their TARP money.
Finally figured out how to switch to Vin Scully. Much better.
The MLB2K9 commercial is funny, but holy crap, they only made one?
Who was the last pitcher to throw a no-hitter on Opening Day?
Funny, that’s where lightning got me too.
I’m batting 2.000!
Tell me about it, Bo.
Who was Laddie Renfroe?
No, seriously, who was Laddie Renfroe? Sounds like one of the guys in 98 Degrees.
Oh yeah, i fell off a roof. Gee, I’m so dumb.
It was me! And if you have $10, I’ll sign your forehead and tell you all about it.
You fell off the roof and I crushed you, Bo. But on the bright side, your kids really like Nick at Nite.
I am quite graceful.
Sac fly, baby! 3-0.
Clearly we are trying to set the record for most pitches missed during a telecast.
We lost, and it’s not my fault. Most of my left arm is still lying on the Miller Park mound.
Have to admit, I’d forgotten how much I miss this.
I just picked the Royals to win the AL Central
That one sounded low.
That’s the me talking, Sut.
Hey Bob, we’d all rather be in Arizona than in Chicago tomorrow.
(Fly ball to left) This will be no problem… Eeeeeasy, big guy. That’s no Ryan Braun out there.
I watched a couple innings of the Reds-Mets today while I was working out (unlike some more famous Interwebs writers I was not doing Pilates with Miley Cyrus, though I was on a treadmill next to Tina Yothers–she wasn’t running, she was sleeping on it), and I think Steve Phillips was drunk.
He went on a long tangent about how he did some research and found out that he and Brandon Phillips are not related. He thought that was hilarious.
Then they showed Angel Hernandez with a ski mask on umpiring at first and Steve said, “He can’t see with that on. He can hardly see without it.”
I’m not saying it wasn’t enjoyable, I just wonder if working with Joe Morgan last night has convinced Steve he wants to be fired?
I play shortstop like a doorstop.
Uh oh. I’m going to need a cushion tomorrow, aren’t I?
RE: #98
ESPN2 is great. Except it’s ESPN2. Oh shit. Biggio and Bagwell…
Phonsie slid nowhere near me
I’m better than the spring of 4-6-3.
I called Jordan Schaefer Logan for about 5 minutes last night, until some intern finally pointed it out to me. Good thing I am so enjoyable I don’t have to know the teams I am talking about
Bob is complaining about the big building that the sun is reflecting off of that is distracting him. They just showed a shot out the window of Minute Maid and that “building” looked a lot like the sun.
Wow, a superhero movie with Tim Riggins in it. Where do I sign up? You know, to avoid it?
Hey Jon, to be fair if Schaefer had a nice Latin surname you could overenunciate you’d have gotten that right.
In the good old days, Steve would be telling a long story right now about Hunter and a can of Coke and it would somehow end with the line “Hunter Pence-a-cola” and then Arne would show a shot of some water.
And this at bat would end with Steve telling a long story about a chat between Cecil Cooper and Michael Bourn that ended with a “Bourn Ultimatim.”
Start me up!!
Hey Steve and DeWayne. How about I just end these at bats with some fucking K’s?
A lot of fans came dressed as me tonight.
I have taken the night off.
although many hate the blue tops, Carlos will not allow the team to do away with them.
Alright guys, remember what we decided. Nobody mention to Z that it’s opening day! Shhhhh!
Hey America! Not only do we make better cars than you, we even waste time and money making the roads play stupid songs while you drive on them! Oh, and you’re welcome for Kosuke!
I’ll punch the crap out of the person who takes away the blue tops
Andy, I bet you wish I was around to “overpronounce”, as you call it, Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella (he’s Mexican!) and the Cajun kids.
Excuse me while I pause to scream at my bat for breaking.
Hey Jon, we only have to wait until Sunday night in Milwaukee.
Yay?
I’m going to light my bat on fire if I strike out, right on home plate. I don’t give a shit.
And now I’ll scream at this one.
Minute Maid Park stole my outfield signs.
What’s a guy gotta do to find a doughnut vendor in this shitbox?!
Shit, all that for a pop up?
Hey guys–got out of class and into the car just in time for “It’s got a chaaaaaaance…GONE!”
I also have had fun calling the Tards fans at home saying that I thought they got rid of Isringhausen.
And the manufactured run–I like the power, but I like that the team can score that way even more.
Why do we sound like a bunch of screaming 12 year old girls at a 98 degrees concert?
Where is Comcast getting their “last season stats?” They’re all wrong.
We ate the doughnut guy out of business before you guys got here. Sorry
Pie, get back over here. You’re mine now.
Two references tonight! We’re getting the (boy) band back together!
So I am the ugliest guy on earth, BUT did you do Juila Roberts for less than a year? I thought not.
Well shit, Carlos. I guess we’ll just sit down out there while you and Geo have all the fun.
Holy crap, did I just screw Matt Suhey on that punchout…
Actually Lyle, I did Julia for less than a year. Way less than a year.
That ump is just confused because of my wide stance, you know with the fissures and all…
I cannot hit that pitch, perhaps I could hit a slower one.
I just don’t belong in St. Louis, do I?
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/8369
Jebus.
Well Andy, just as long as you don’t steal my haircut…
Dwight: Now you guys are just making ailments up. Anal fissures?
Kevin: I’m pretty sure that’s a thing.
Dwight: No, no it’s not.
Kevin: Uh, yeah, I kind of think it is. Since I have them.
The home plate ump just fucked me right back.
I need some glasses on. Oh wait…
Ugh, even that picture of Jason Motte smells.
Lawn-fucking-mower.
Milton Bradley, Carlos Zambrano and Ted Lilly are in an airplane that is going down but there is only one parachute left…
My favorite mound exit of all time. Carlos giving the home plate ump the international sign for “you need glasses” and getting thrown out of the game, after he’d been taken out of it.
You’d think by now i’d have the time and the money to get these things in my mouth fixed.
God Andy, that was Arizona, ’05?
Why do pitchers keep pitching me away?
Wait for it…
Showing Z had no HR’s and only 5 RBI last year…someone should be fired
Another great opening day memory in the Dusty Baker era.
They like to practice for Fonzie.
Don’t worry Comcast, just “patch” it!
I ditched my suit for these Cubs digs.
Hey we’ve got 14 year old girls in cowboy hats dancing on the dugouts! Every Monday is Pederast Night!
The official bank of whatever Tim Geithner tells we are.
What the hell is going on around here?
You mean every night here in Texas, hence the crowd noise sounding like a 98 degrees concert
Don’t worry guys, I’m warming up!
Don’t worry, if Heilman doesn’t blow it I will
So? I see that every night at my crib, Astros.
Nap time for Carlos!
I see Lou’s circuitous route to the mound is back.
OK, Geo. Here’s what we’re gonna do.
Changeup.
Changeup.
Three run homer.
Got it?
It must be Ambien night at the ballpark in Houston.
Am I still on the air?
Can the “Heilman Old Style Call to the Pen” be far away? It’s our great beer!
People only use the Web from 6 am to 6 pm, so that’s all we program.
Suck on that, bitches.
Welcome to the Cubs Aaron – that’s a fine start.
Woah, Slak. You got Ambien?
Why do I already hate him? I mean he hasn’t done anything lousey yet? I think it must be all the ggggggggs
Don’t do your goddamned victory lap yet, Heilman.
Wow, that was some cat-like quickness from Heilman there.
Let me show you why Mets fans loved me…
You’ve had enough Isiah.
I still suck.
It only gets better from here.
It wasn’t me. It was my…14 year old daughter. Yeah, she’s lousy for sleeping pills. I’m cool with them, though.
Take a seat, Aaron. I’ll do the pants-shitting this inning, thankyouverymuch.
Steroids hasn’t destroyed my clapping abilities
The only thing worse than us, is our commercial. Just eight dopes in black and white and a stripper.
Is there any way I’m not the official sponsor or chicago sports webio?
I’ve got the clap, too, Miguel.
watch cotts blow this
We know, Kyle. Unfortunately, we know all too well.
I got a shot for you to cure that, Kyle
Smoooooooooooth.
I thought I’d make your pants a little shitty, Cubs fans. Hey, it’s only the first game!
I love to see Cecil Cooper maintain his composure. What a (batshit insane) pro that (douche) guy is.
Did I ever tell you about the time Moose Haas teabagged me on the team plane?
I can’t beat the Dodgers either. Time to trade for me!
We just set an MLB record for most Ge-offs on a roster.
That was me, Cecil
Shit. There’s a GameCast?
BUMP WILLS!
Are any of the astros pitchers taller than me?
Kosuke is versatile. He can make outs to all parts of the park.
You bastards can’t imagine the pressure on me right now.
Take it easy, 200. I’m leading off for the Pads.
We want to introduce the new Cubs interpreter, Garrett Morris.
KOSUKE HE SAID, YOU SUCK, SIT DOWN!
Take your pick: (A) Warning track power, or (B) A long foul.
Just keep worrying about Kosuke. Nothing to see here.
Has Ed Hartig come by to tell you dickbags that I was the last guy to homer to start the season before Soriano?
Who had game one, in when will the when will Milton Bradley get hurt pool?
Sprained ankle on a flyout to right. That’s a new one.
Gotcha motherfucker!
I win!
Who had “Top of the 8th in the Opener” before my first injury?
welp, 8 innings ain’t bad
Oh, you know what I meant.
The good news is, his ankle’s not broken. The bad news, we’re going to amputate anyway.
I’m falling now. Milton did it. Not me.
Although, Andy, my injury, BEFORE the Opener, was pretty impressive.
Hah. Any excuse to double switch.
On that long shot of the field, you could actually see Milton jumping up and down on his foot in the outfield.
I’m still in, remain calm. REMAIN CALM DAMNIT!!
Werewolves of London
Oh, come on, skip. I want to play!
I just caught a foul ball.
We start the “Giving up the Game-Winning Run in the WBC is in Marmol’s Head” meme tomorrow morning if Carlos isn’t lights-out here.
Has Len or Bob or Pat mentioned that good ole’ Bump Wills was the last guy to go yard on the second pitch of the season?
http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/CIN/CIN198204050.shtml
225 is my favorite post of the night.
Holy shit. This is not fair. Put Cotts back in.
I am not swinging. Please, throw a ball.
Keep ’em coming.
Marmol just appealed that checked swing, to the wrong ump.
I’m just getting the good hitters out of the way for Gregggg.
Do you think if I was as tall as you I wouldn’t get gangrene under my man boobs?
I just gave the ump a “how the fuck am I supposed to hit that” look.
“I got it! I got it. Hey, Barbara Bush!”
You know, if you guys wanted to score two or nine runs this half inning, I’m not going to mind.
goes to #235.
Wow, the pitcher is tiny.
Wow, the pitcher is tiny.
I’ll be a little north of Milton’s foot, tomorrow morning. Just to let you know, I won’t be knocking on the door around 2 AM. I’ll let myself in.
I get a boner just thinking about saying “Emilio Bonifacio.”
Fuck it. Let it drop. I’m sleepy.
Don’t they both speak it?
“When Shawon Dunston played for the Cubs, any pop up, no matter where it was hit, Shawon thought he could catch it.”
“When Shawon Dunston played for the Cubs, any pitch, no where where it was thrown, Shawon thought he could hit it.”
The problem there was that Tejada speaks Spanish and Lee speaks Panamanian.
And Panamanian spelled backwards is Nainamanap.
MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?
Time to announce my presence with authority.
OK, this guy is a lot taller than you. So let’s do the Phil Rogers.
Geoff Geary: The sneak attack?
2 Cajuns on the pond. Sweet
I’m going to the Hall of Fame. I don’t need to block the plate.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff-Pauir
Seriously Lou, I can play center.
pat and ron in dallas on gameday audio… why
How about that slide, ogdens? Nice, eh?
Is Pudge just going to randomly throw the ball to fielders nowhere near any base?
Only one? I don’t know about this….
Hoff power ogdens.
I was doing my best impression of Rube Baker on that throw to 3rd.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Give me one of those half-RBIs for my half-assing the bloop single that Fontenot reached on.
I’m doing my best to pretend like I am trying
Bob Rohrman or Lyle Lovett
Hey, my ERA at Minute Maid is 9.53. Not as bad as I thought.
It’s my strategy. I let the leadoff man get on and they get over confident. And, I like to watch Miguel Tejada over-clap at everything.
That’s really how he throws?
I need to sign Canseco as my personal trainer
By the way, we’re already getting crushed.
None of me on any of Gregg’s pitches so far
I eat Gregggggggs for breakfast.
What body part did I hurt there?
Note to Lou: Defensive Sub for Bradley in the 9th.
Shit, I could come in and blow a three-run lead, ogdens…
Funny how my delivery looks like the way a batting practice pitcher delivers the ball, eh? And gets the same type of results generally…
Now that was unfortunate.
I could do this.
Stop Milt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The baseball parallel to “Rex is Our Quarterback?”
Holy crap, Kosuke is now shorter and darker!
Oh, I wish had Milton had looked at the guy trying to give him a high five and just said, “Fuck off, douche.”
Gimme!
Last year, I’d killed that white dude. This year, it’s kewl.
Wait, THE Jason Smith? I’m in the big leagues again?
Bet you didn’t know there are tanning beds next to the Minute Maid Park batting cages, did you, Andy?
…WIN!
next time Gathright in CF and Fuku in RF. Thanks.
Had ’em all the way. This shit is easy.
We are in mid-season form already
I can play defense, fuckers. Honest.
Man, that was close. I will now default the closer role to Marmol, with pleasure.
At least I didn’t completely crap my pants, like Michigan St is doing right now.
I bring my own lighting crew. Damn, I am a pretty boy.
“Go get them the rest of the way.”
E-ramis: “Great. You mean they just fired you?”
Stick around for Post Game Live so Todd Hollandsworth can actually make you miss Dan Plesac.
And just watch all the weird hand gestures he does.
It was too dusky!
“I can tell you one thing. They won’t beat us by 35 points this time.”
No, more like 40.
Were not sure how yet, but this loss is Bud Selig’s fault.
We hope you enjoyed the broadcast, we know you enjoyed the outcome…
I will give the Astros fans credit for letting out an unequivocal me when C-Lee let Fontenot’s pop-up drop in front of him as he sauntered in.
We’re coming.
I’m talking about the game, but I’m really looking deep into your eyes, baby. Yeah, you. Smoove-T is going to show you what he’s made of later.
I was the white Milton Bradley before I retired.
Are they really that epic? Do they cancel out her massive hang down?
Stay tuned…
You think if Geo Soto has any kids later, he will consider the names of Metro and Tracker?
It’s true. He can’t control us. We are like two dogs running around loose in a neighborhood.
What about me, #303???
I’m still much worse than my statistics would indicate.
So… you’re much worse than your results?
You mean like the results where I blew the lead against a light hitting bunch of cowards on a night when my team needed me to not give up anything? The stats say I pitched a good game. The results are, we lost because I choked. Apparently I’m not saving that for playoff time this year.
Really? A pitcher holds a team to a couple runs, his team can’t score three, and he choked? OK. I think we’re done here.