It seems like all we do these days is mock newspaper writers, but is it our fault when they keep putting stuff on the tee for us to whack at?
I don’t think so.
Last week, the Chicago Tribune announced layoffs that included one of our all-time favorites, John Mullin (while Dan Pompei somehow still draws a paycheck), and Missy Isaacson and Seinfeld favorite Bob Sakamoto.
Phil Rogers still works there. I mean, come on, nobody is better at writing irrelevant pablum about inane national baseball matters than our buddy (and Bea Arthur doppleganger) Phildo.
But seriously, you do have to wonder how this guy keeps dodging the “buyout” plans at the Trib.
He’s not just often wrong, but he’s often hilariously wrong. Today was no different.
At a little after two, an Intrepid Reader e-mailed me with a note about one of the most hilarious mis-statements in a paper in quite a while.
I quickly went to the site and took a screen grab of it, just in case the Tribune editors actually noticed it and fixed it.
First off, power rankings are dumb and pointless (and as someone who was paid to write them for a while, they suck to write, too), and Phil apparently volunteers to do these (he would). Phil is up to the challenge of writing ones that suck, every week.
A couple of weeks ago he wrote glowingly about how Rockies outfielder Dexter Fowler turned down a basketball scholarship to Harvard (and we knew it was bullshit because Harvard, a member of the Ivy League, does not award athletic scholarships) and he insists on ranking things that aren’t teams, this week he ranked complete games and errors. Most people suffering from this kind of dementia are heavily medicated.
But it will be hard for Phil to top the one he had today, and as of 5:30 p.m. on Sunday, it’s still there, big as life.
Here are his rankings for this week.
Look on page two, and read the entry for the San Francisco Giants.
24. Giants (30): Pablo Escobar is showing signs of getting turned around. But not first baseman Travis Ishikawa.
Pablo Escobar.
The highest paid baseball writer in Chicago (and the Midwest) just referred to Giants “third baseman” Pablo Sandoval as Pablo Escobar.
Pablo Escobar the Colombian drug lord, who made tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars selling cocaine, who was responsible for the death of dozens (if not hundreds of people).
Pablo Escobar, a man so powerful in Colombia that was nearly elected president, and who was allowed to build his own prison in which to serve out a hilariously short term for which he was finally sentenced.
Pablo Escobar, the chubby, soccer loving, super-criminal, the subject of one of the best non-fiction books of the past 20 years (Mark Bowden’s Killing Pablo).
If you’ve ever heard of the Medellin Drug Cartel, you’ve heard of Pablo Escobar.
Pablo Escobar, who was finally hunted down and killed by a task force led by members of the US Delta Force (possibly not including Chuck Norris), Navy SEALs and some Colombian Soliders.
Pablo was gunned down in the street, and the famous photo of the Colombian soldiers posing with Pablo’s corpse as if they were the World Cup champions gathered around their trophy is on the cover of Bowden’s book.
Apparently, this bloated corpse is now playing third base for the Giants.
Kind of makes you wonder how well the rest of the guys are playing for them to move up from 30th to 24th in Phil’s rankings?
9p and still there – hope they leave it up for good. Serves the douche perfectly.
in my new plus-minus ratings, i give corner infielders a plus-2 if they have acted as warlords of a major country. Minus-one if they’re dead.
Hey Phil, how am I?
The fact that this slipped through the editors of what was once [self] termed the “Worlds Greatest Newspaper” is just another sad example of how far the Tribune has fallen.
I used to have box seats in Wrigley and got Gabby Hartnett in trouble with Commissioner Landis when a picture of him chatting me up by my kick-ass seats was published.
But I doubt that Ring Lardner ever confused me with Kiki Cuyler.
Also: “27. Errors (NR): Until Friday, the Cubs hadn’t lost a game in which they had committed an error, starting the season 8-0 when they didn’t make an error and 0-6 when they did. The teams having the most trouble catching the ball are St. Louis (17 errors), Washington (15), Seattle (14) and Atlanta (14).” If the Cubs had *not* lost a game in which they committed an error, then how are they 0-6 in such games? Is this a minus-1?
I’m dead now, so does Phil die, too?
To be fair, Phil is a huge “Enotourage” fan and is still upset that the movie “Medellin” didn’t do better at the box office.
My favorite moment of Phil dumbassery from the weekend…ANOTHER sneak attack!
“Future Hall of Famer Trevor Hoffman should make his Milwaukee debut in the next few days. His recovery from a strained muscle in his right side is good news for the Brewers. But outside of the continuing promise of Yovani Gallardo and sporadic sneak attacks[ from Dave Bush, just about everything else involving pitching is bad news.”
My friend, you are on an absolute roll!! Keep it up!!
They still haven’t fixed it. I guess there aren’t any editors left to read desipio.
The Giants could do worse.
I’m playing about as often as E-ram and Milton right now.
This would be a perfect time for an intrepid Desipiot to e-mail Phil with a phony question about “Escobar’s” baseball prowess. See if he’s even caught it.
Also, “turning around” would sound a lot less ghey that “getting turned around.”
You have to wonder where Phildo’s mind is.
The site now gives the title of the article (same as before), followed by related links. the article has disappeared.
Thanks for the tip on Killing Pablo. I was familiar with Bowden’s Black Hawk Down and The Best Game Ever, I am leaving right now to buy Killing Pablo.
I killed thousands, not hundreds. I will not be short-changed by you!
The Giants are one Colombian drug lord away from easily winning the NL pennant.