It’s been a while so I thought I’d give you all fair notice that we’re doing a Cubs Live gamecast tonight for the Dodgers-Cubs at 7 p.m.
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It’s been a while so I thought I’d give you all fair notice that we’re doing a Cubs Live gamecast tonight for the Dodgers-Cubs at 7 p.m.
Dolan, Why am I the Dumb Ass Du Jour?
Because you don’t like passion and anger over losing?
Regardless of how much money I make.
Were you waiting for Lou to throw his contrived fit? Dumbass.
You’re right, let’s get some more “I don’t give a shit” players in here.
That will change the culture of losing.
Personally, I would take 25 Z’s, Milton’s and Ted’s.
My Dumb ASS of the Day:
wait for it,
ANDY “1 good post in 20” Dolan.
That’s a .050 average, BTW.
.050? I smell potential! Can he play third?
Carlos, why don’t you actually read the Dumbass Du Jour. It might explain it.
http://dumbassdujour.wordpress.com/
Nah, that would take too much effort to actually click on the link.
If “Carlos” actually clicked on the link, he might see something worthwhile. Then he couldn’t come here and complain about all the free posts he’s forced to read.
Carlos Z is right. He should demand his money back.
You get to listen to me on Extra Innings tonight.
Dodgers
Lucky Pierre, lf
Furcalholic, ss
Orlando Hudson, 2b
Jimmy Loney, 1b
Casey Blake, 3b
Andre Ethier, rf
Russ Martin, c
Shawn “Rainman!” Kemp, pf
Randy Wolf, p
Cubs
Alfonso Soriano, lf
Dance Fever, ss
Milt, rf
GDPLee, 1b
Reed, cf
Geo Soto, c
Fontegnome, 3b
Andy White, 2b
Randy Wells, p
I’ll be sucking the life out of the game tonight on MLB Network.
I didn’t play, I sat in favor of the immortal Luis Valbuena. Woody got a save, though. Brought that ERA down to a smooth 6.35.
Fuck, even the rookie picks us.
Yeah, well I”m dropping trou on Prime Ticket.
Suck it Costas
Como esta mi hermano?
We get Plesac on the MLB Network. He just froze on Andres Blanco’s name and went “Ughubughuh Blanco.”
200 hits!
Bet you fuckers can’t believe I’m hitting four bills the last few weeks.
I’m slugging .544 this year!
I’m sluggine .544 this year?
Hey Lee, get your wrist up, I’m coming!
Why does everybody keep bringing Jerome Walton up around me?
Plesac just finds the obvious and beats the shit out of it, doesn’t he?
Smells like game two here tonight.
My season ending injury isn’t scheduled until next week.
I told you guys that Fontenot is too short to play third!
If I keep talking this fast without stopping, I’m going to pass out.
Costas is at Wrigley?
I’ll get my bat!
Bring on Bruce Sutter!
Plesac’s scouting report on Wells starts…starts mind you with:
– Pleasant surprise
Now that is the kind of info you want from a scout.
I look just like a lefthanded Derrek Lee.
Who wants to come over and watch “Young Guns” at my place?
I think that Carlos’ tantrum has doomed the Cubs tonight.
Zambrano yelled at me in the clubhouse tonight.
Another reason to like Zambrano.
If you fucking dwarves aren’t going to field the ball, I’ll just strike these fuckers out.
MLB Network says tonight’s game is “subject to blackout.” If it keeps going like this, I will.
The only run that scored was the one on the bunt that the Cajun Dipshits couldn’t keep in the infield.
I might be the dumbest fucking thing in history, especially considering i’m taking place after the game already started
You have to see this. MLB Network has a thing called “Virtual Nine” and they played tonight’s game on MLB 2K9 and just showed the highlights. It included Gregg blowing a save in the ninth and Bradley driving in Theriot in the bottom to win the game 3-2. It might have been the gayest thing I’ve seen since Chip Caray wore the silk shirt on ’70s Night.
Also, according to Virtual 9, I’m gonna move over to short later and start a pivotal 6-4-3 DP.
Another warning track single.
Actually, this time it really was a single, because Kemp was deep, it didn’t get to the wall and his throw was right on the bag.
Hey, I hit it to the shortstop! Alex Rodriguez told me when a SS hits one to the SS on the other team he’s supposed to let it roll into the outfield!
Hitting a cool .200 bitches.
Z’s a fucking amateur.
Costas is explaining how the umpires always fuck me. Bob is a good shit. You know, for a midget.
I’m going to need a hit next time get back to .200.
I might not even need to shower after this.
People are comparing me to Geovany Soto because they are impatient “sky is falling” bitchasses.
How ’bout some love?
Right, Jerome. He’s more of a me.
Hello!
I’m singing the anthem tomorrow.
I got Neifi’s number and Neifi’s game, baby!
Just highlights of Lou yelling at Rob Drake make me want to kill anything with a curly mullet.
I just fucked up a line from Animal House
Costas just quoted Dean Wormer’s “Son, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to get through life.”
Only he fucked it up. He said that Wormer said it to Bluto, when clearly we all remember he said it to Flounder.
He was talking to me, not Bluto, you little twerp
Too short! He’s too short!
We hate the Cubs.
I just shit my pants. Again. Nobody sit here for a minute.
I look like the Great Gazoo with this helmet on.
Plesac says that “Juan Pierre knows his limitations.”
Of course he does, it’s everything but running.
Pierre! We talked about this. Hit it to the short guys.
I’m not saying that the economy is bad, but the Cleveland Cavaliers just announced that they are renaming their arena (formerly Quicken Loans Arena) the Pay Day Loans Dome.
(rimshot please)
I’m selling that one to Kaseberg.
Are you sure “suck” is something you can be DL’d for?
Somebody get me my agent.
Holy fuck. Plesac is now going to explain to us, for no reason, that Albert Pujols is a good first baseman.
I hope Alan Wiggins tongue kisses Plesac’s hiney.
I’m glad Johnson shaved his beard. I got tired of people asking me if I was him.
How many flights of stairs did I have to carry my suitcase down yesterday?
I thought I was dead
You are.
Kosuke and Micah are chatting on the bench.
I’ll bet it’s some deep stuff.
I resent the comparison to Geo.
If I’m getting paid by the word, they’ll be out of money next half inning.
If I’m paid to make sense, I’m working for free tonight.
I loved the idea of MLB Network. I like how it turned out. The MLB Tonight and Quick Pitch highlight shows are pretty good, and every now and then I’ll be flipping channels and end up watching some of the other programming they’ve got. All that being said, this broadcast crew is absolutely atrocious.
Hey guys, need a catcher?
I shaved my mustache so I could look more like Eddie Van Halen.
Plesac just said, “Wells has thrown out of the stretch tonight. Especially early in the game.”
Yes, Dan, its the THIRD inning.
Wait, I’m supposed to run to the ball?
Costas thinks the fans are booing the Cubs. They’re booing because Loney looked out at second.
Could I at least dive and show a little effort to keep the ball on the infield?
I mean just wait a few minutes. THEN they’ll be booing the Cubs.
Shouldn’t the one thing a second baseman have at third be range? Every ball rolls just past me.
Just hit the fucking ball to me. I’m the only one with a clue what to do with it.
We have no idea how to shut the fuck up and let the game breathe
Not one “big blue train” reference from me tonight. What gives?
I’m sure Plesac has the conductor’s hat on, though. Looks awesome on his little pin head.
Dude, I left in 1997. They had a few shortstops between me and this sawed off little fucker.
I’m explaining how Theriot’s awesome at short, you know, except without range or a good arm. But other than that, I think he’s tremendous.
I feel left out.
That’s because I’m not here to pull one on Dan.
My head must weigh 40 pounds.
Holy shit, I was the No. 1 pick in the draft back in 82.
My dick weighs 60!
Without Dan around, apparently there’s no one around to push me away from the buffet.
Spin move. God, am I smooth.
Derrek’s weighing me out.
I can’t believe they dumped me and hired that Kustock chick. I’m way hotter than her or Gail
Or wearing. Either one.
Oh come on, you have to love Zack Kustok’s little sister. Especially the way she yells uncontrollably, Judd Sirott style every time she’s on the air.
we’re talking about the god damn sausage races…WTF
I’ve swung at 6 balls this at bat.
Costas is actually funny, maybe if Plesac sat out a few plays we could enjoy some of this tonight.
I could give head to a horse
I’m a lot older than I look.
But, damn, I’m hot.
I was awesome in “Full Metal Jacket.”
“Sucky sucky, me love you long time!”
ITS TIME FOR THE SQUARE D SCOREBOARD OR WHATEVER ITS CALLED NOW THAT SQUARE D WENT OUT OF BUSINESS AND GOT BOUGHT OUT! THE LOUDER I YELL THE MORE IMPORTANT WHAT I’M SCREAMING IS!
LOUD NOISES!!!!!!!
Nice to see two guys who got smaller contracts than Milton (Ibanez and Dunn) have 15 homers each.
Why did I suck so much in Chicago?
While Costas is beating to death the idea that the Dodgers don’t have an extra base hit yet, I’m sure Bob and I are making jokes about that ’90s Matt Dillon-Campbell Scott-Bridget Fonda movie.
Right?
Because Cubs fans are RACIST!!!, Lucky.
Face it Juan, you sucked even worse here the last two years. Let’s just say we’re not counting on you keeping this up. Just get us to July before your wheels fall off again.
Oh boy, here we go. Costas is about to regale us with tales of Juan rolling his balls down the foul lines again.
Now that’s the Juan Pierre we all know and love.
Why bother actually trying to run back to first? The Cubs only dropped two of the throws.
Now THAT looks like the Juan I had in Chicago.
or maybe it was Jock?
Why did I try to cut that off?
Everybody can blame Jim Hendry all they want for the Pierre trade, but I was begging for that dude.
Where are all the white women at?
So nobody’s watching me?
Bob Costas calling a Cubs/Dodger game is worse than scat porn.
Costas just said that Pierre’s good enough to start on “lots of teams” around the league. Yeah, check out his on base averages and OPS the last few years:
2006 – OBA – .330 OPS – .717
2007 – OBA – .331 OPS – .685
2008 – OBA – .327 OPS – .655
Those last two years are horrendous.
Plesac just said he can’t understand why the D’backs wouldn’t bring Orlando Hudson back.
Considering he suffered season ending injuries on September 5 in 2007 and August 9, 2008 maybe they got tired of him not being around at the end of the season? His wrist is still fucked up. I’ll be amazed if he finishes this season.
If a retarded girl is your homecoming queen, you need a new high school.
Mike Fontenot idolizes Bob Costas and will watch ANY sporting event if he’s on the mic.
Hero time, bitches! Just like Hank.
I’ve got a really long swing.
So. True.
I’m going for 0-2 with 2 Ks and 2 injured girls. If I’m lucky.
I’m listed as a switch hitter, why am I batting lefty against Wolf?
I’m not really sure why I started two lefties at my platoon positions tonight.
Shit, I guess I have to do everything myself.
Who else were you going to play, Lou?
that swing from Wells on the foul was better than anything Fontenot has put together in about a month.
#123.. Against Duke yesterday, Blanco batted righty the first time, then switched to lefty for the next two at bats.
Honest to God, Plesac is awful.
He just said “Wolf has the weapons to get the Cubs 7-8-9 guys out.” Fuck, I could get them out, Dan-o.
Hey wait a minute, that guy’s throwing with his LEFT HAND!
I can’t believe they’re paying me.
But I couldn’t get them out, Andy.
Neither can I Dan. Hey, look !t’s Pete Rozelle!
Shit, didn’t anybody tell Plesac that we’re not paying him?
Andy White hit a little girl (a Dodger fan) in the head with his bat. Nice job, Andy.
I”m back bitches!
Why is her mom “petting” her arm.
I don’t know how I feel when Soriano lives up to all Chuck’s expectations.
Andres had left shoulder surgery in late 2007 and still isn’t 100% batting right-handed.
Trade Randy Wells for Randy Wolf and put Wolf in the pen.
What the hitter is trying to do here, is make contact with the pitch, to try to get on base–or, he could try to draw the walk.
The only runs that have scored on me, scored when Furcal bunted in a runner from second, and when Soriano fucked up picking up a single to left and let both runners advance.
I’m trying to figure out what Lou’s going to do with the rotation when I get back from my suspension. You know, because they have five and they’ll need…uh, five.
I meant Carlos. Oh fuck it, I’m killing everyone’s brain cells!
I want to go back to Des Moines. Those guys score runs for me.
KARRY LING!
“Roy Halladay has quietly developed into – you could make a case for – one of the top 3 or 4 starting pitchers in the entire baseball.”
SHUT UP DAN PLESAC
I just said that “quietly” Roy Halladay has become one of the best pitchers in baseball.
Yes, very quietly. It’s almost like six All-Star games, a Cy Young Award and finishing the top three in the Cy Young voting two other times is a rumor!
Aren’t I a fairly reasonable number for six innings?
Did you guys by any chance happen to hear what Plesac just said about Roy Halladay? I missed it because I’m watching the game on local TV. But I bet it was interesting as hell.
I’m not wearing pants
The Cubs lead the league in us.
Chuck predicted that ball would be caught before Soriano even made contact.
Nobody has more warning track outs than the Cubs.
I’ve got enough service time that they can’t send me to Des Moines, right?
What is the status of the Cubs and warning track outs? They hit lots?
Almost only counts in horseshoes and hockee.
What’s the status of Apex and his “jokes?”
I”m kinda creepy.
We’re afraid that if we try to pass Heilman through waivers to Iowa that no other team will claim him.
Our one commercial is great, but shouldn’t we have made more than one of them?
I wish we had a Gatorade dispenser back in 2007.
Me too. The one we have now is a better catcher than you.
MLB says that Carlos has been suspended for “violent actions in the dugout.” Man, you should have seen some of the violence coming out of me on the clubhouse crapper. I’d be banned for life.
Apparently I’m a top five pitcher in all of baseball, given my first half this year.
I love using 300 words to make a point that really only needs 20.
Apparently Zambrano was slated to pitch 14 or 15 innings yesterday until he got thrown out.
Who is this Hazel Mae bitch?
you guys sick of us yet?
How long before this site is the first result on me when searching for “Dan Plesac”?
I’d love to actually make a point, truth be told.
That warning track is mine, bitches!
GEEZ!
Four more tonight.
Plesac has used every word in the known English language tonight. Just none of them in any sensical order.
Plesac says it’s encouraging that Lee is starting to hit for power.
Yeah, those warning track flyballs are awesome!
I followed up my rookie year with a better season than Soto.
I’m going in reverse.
We suck, but we make up for it by not taking a long time to do it.
Time to put this one out of reach.
I lead Lee in that drunk Furcal and laughed about it. I’m a dick.
I’m explaining how much the bullpen misses Howry, Cotts, Eyre, etc. Hey, maybe Bob Scanlan can come back?
*into
Apparently Wood was the most important part of the bullpen last year, even though Marmol was better and pitched more.
I should have said, “You haven’t shut up all night, you read the fucking disclaimer.”
A perfect example of me not being able to shut up.
Bob Uecker’s quote was “The easiest way to catch a knuckler is to wait for it to stop rolling and pick it up.’
Plesac’s version was “The best way to catch a knuckle ball was to let it go, let it go all the way to the backstop then reach over and grab it.”
Who knew I was a Mormon?
Time for some (the) runs.
Home run, bitches!
What’s with all the poop jokes about me. Oh, and a home run.
Just try to send me to Iowa, bitches!
It should be all in CAPS, female doges.
Think Dusty could have talked Hill back into the dugout?
Wish I could bunt, anyine?
*anyone? Christ.
Woo! All right! Soriano sucks ass.
I don’t wish you could bunt, I just wish you had swung at the strike instead of pretending you were going to bunt at it.
Holy shit, that escalated fast!
Where’s everybody going? Do we have to field now?
That was fast.
I’m the new DLee!
Costas and Plesac will beat this to death, but you don’t bunt there with Soriano because you have the tying run in scoring position and you have one of your run producers up. He’s supposed to try to drive him in.
When my at-bat ends before Plesac can say a word, perhaps I should have seen a couple more pitches?
Hit it to me! Hit it to me!
How many guys should I hit tonight?
Sure Andy now you write an explanation.
I stopped reading the Dumbass link years ago because it was usually a sentence of obvious information.
I think you can find a better Dumbass Du Jour.
How about Fonzy?
Keep swinging at that crap.
We’re apparently now attempting to beat the LA Dodgers, and coming closer than last year’s big league Cubs.
Plesac is now talking about all of the stuff he talked about in the first inning. He’s literally a Chatty Cathy doll. Costas must have just pulled his string again.
Why am i wearing Gregg’s RecSpecs?
and will he want them back before I leave for Des Moines?
You and Gregg might be going back together.
If it’s still 2-1 in the bottom of the ninth and Mota comes in, the Cubs will win.
I just asked like it’s really a question if the Dodgers should “try to get a two or three run lead here in the ninth?”
I’m announcing this game like every viewer has never seen a baseball game before. I do realize this is the MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL NETWORK, right? The viewers might actually be fans.
It’s all cool, guys. I’ve got Guzman wiggling out of this.
I e-mailed Bruce Miles to find out why Blanco, the “switch hitter” wasn’t batting righty against Wolf. Apparently Blanco only switch hits against certain lefties. You’re going to be able to spoon my brains out like pudding by the end of this season.
I’m smooth at third. My hands are catlike.
It’s as though I actually have paws instead of hands.
I came a long way over that bag to take out the Legendary Bobby Scales.
Shit. I should have pulled an Orlando Hudson and stood on the outfield grass to protect myself from the slide.
Toronsco is a decoy! Look out!
Speaking of pudding brains. I’m letting my pitcher bat with two on and two out?
Who am I?
According to me, one of Orlando Hudson’s nicknames is “Headquarters.”
I nearly overran that grounder, if that’s even possible on a two-hopper one step to your left.
Troncoso looks better at the plate than Andres Blanco.
I’ve got a wild pitch in me. Anybody want to see it?
Fuck you, ‘Sac. I’m going with the old number one.
Bradley will hit one off the basket that will be called a homer, then overturned by replay and it’ll be a double. Lee will fly out to the warning track. Johnson will single and Bradley will be held at third. Soto will ground into a double play.
At least that’s what Virtual Nine says.
Hey, I won four World Series! I know what I’m doing.
Wait, I let who bat now?
I’ll start hitting. You guys quit judging me! (Anybody? Huh, huh? OK, maybe I’m a lame joke about 180 posts too late.)
Wow, you guys can’t wait to watch me on TV! It’s like the NHL draft without the plaid jackets and smoking.
I’m a bunting fool, baby!
6-4-3 or 4-6-3? You decide.
I’m going deep.
Heh!
I’m fairly confident I can score from second on a triple. Maybe even a double. Almost positively a homer.
I won it yesterday, and I’ll do it again. Get ready ladies, it’s party time!
Hey Superstar, if you’re going to bunt, bunt, don’t try to bunt for a hit, dummy.
Gotdamnit!
Just run the old “try to bunt twice, then win the game with a homer” play. We did it twice last year.
That’s my swinging bunt.
Bobby “Homerun” Scales
You do not want to walk Geovany to get to me.
To win.
I’m the only guy left on the bench.
A hit here and the Harry statue out front of this dump is getting replaced.
I’d squeeze here.
Fuck IOWA.
I don’t ever want to see IOWA again.
hero time
I’m going to take two and single to Juan to win the game.
And, that’s why I spent a decade in the minors.
“That’s nearly an impossible pitch to hit.”
Because it’s a ball.
You were worshipping the wrong hero.
Razzle Dazzle.
I want Hoffpauir to hit for Fox. I apparently think the old lefty will play third if the game is tied goes to the tenth.
And that’s why I’ve been in Iowa for three years.
If the home plate ump hadn’t burned Koyie by saying he was in the game before he was announced Hoffpauir could have hit for Fox.
Eff those effing effhead Dodgers!
I was the case in the 8th and 9th, yet no runs were scored. So god damn frustrating
Is Scales able to bunt effectively? It seems like a squeeze bunt when there was 1 out could have worked
Another inspiring outing.
For a .500 ballclub
Glub glub glub