There is a phenomenon in the animal world, particularly among dogs and elephants (of all things) where when they know they are going to die, they run away.
It is as though they want to spare others the trauma of seeing them die, so they just amble off to find a place to do it peacefully and quietly.
For a dog it might be a patch of woods or near an abandoned building. For an elephant it’s probably anywhere south of the monkey cages.
For the Cubs? It was San Diego. If you can’t do it in Pissburgh where nobody will notice, you do it in San Diego where next to nobody will.
The Cubs have been teetering on the edge since the drive by shooting they were victimized in that Sunday in Florida when the Mongoloid Bobblehead, Kevin Gregg, gave up a one run lead and turned it into a loss in two pitches. They were sadly outclassed in Colorado and against the Phillies and except for a few cheap wins over the Reds and Pissburgh they have been the old dog wandering around the yard looking for a hole in the fence.
So last night the Cubs got Ted Lilly back from the disabled list and he did what every good pitcher does to the Padres, he shut them out for as long as he was in the game. Then John Grabow and Carlos Marmol did the same. The Padres are about as offensive as “Reading Rainbow” these days, but it didn’t take Gregg long to rectify that. You knew he, and the Cubs were completely screwed the minute he walked 4’2″ David Eckstein with one out in the ninth. You figured that Adrian Gonzalez would hit the next pitch about 600 feet and the Cubs would lose 2-1.
But he didn’t. No, that wouldn’t have been traumatic enough. That would have been one of the best players in the National League beating you. You could almost live with that.
Gonzalez popped out weakly to left and the Cubs were just a strike away from a third straight win. The Cardinals won again, coming from behind to beat the staggering Dodgers (good news, LA fans, you get a four game winning streak to enjoy starting Thursday–you’re welcome!) so the Cubs had to win to avoid falling six games behind St. Louis. Remember, the Cubs and Cardinals were tied for first on August 5. Ten games ago the Cubs were in first, now they are six games behind.
Somebody ask Ron Santo if he ever remembers a team falling apart that quickly, see if anything jogs his memory. (By the way, isn’t it handy that the Cubs actually fly a mascot of one of the biggest collapses in baseball history around with them to every game?)
So it’s still 1-0 Cubs and the great Chase Headley is up for the Padres. Chase Headley, sounds like a guy who’d get kicked out of a country club for trying to lure the pool boy into the sauna with a candy bar and a handful of Viagra.
Gregg gets two strikes on Headley and decides to break out the straightest fastball he can throw, right about waist high. Short of calling time out to get a batting tee to put the ball on for Chase, Gregg was doing all he could. Headley fouled it back. Whew, dodged a bullet there.
But then Gregg threw the exact same pitch again. Headley hit one to the deepest part of Petco Park (Hey, Petco! Where dying dogs and Cubs go to hide and…die.) for a double, the magic dwarf scored from first and the game was tied. Lou decided to go out on the mound to strangle Gregg, got halfway, literally waved at him and said, “Fuck it,” and ambled back to the dugout. The Cubs walked the next hitter to get to Kyle Blanks and he hit a three run homer to win the game, end Gregg’s career as Cubs closer and put the final nail in the Cubs season.
But you say the Cubs are still only four games out of the Wild Card and they have an easy schedule and Carlos Zambrano will be back next week and then the gritty Reed Johnson will come back and Jeff Baker is hitting .600 in August and…
Take it easy there, Champ. Sit this one out. It’s not going to happen. Go on with your life. Enjoy the rest of what’s left of your summer. Let them die and rot in peace. They look like they really, really, want to.
Which season has been a bigger kick in the junk: 2004 or 2009?
Go Bears!
It probably took to long but at least Gregg is no longer the closer.
Now if they dumped Gregg and Miles in a duffel bag and threw it in the pacific, then I might reconsider this season.
I don’t ever want to see Miles again. Bring back Andres Blanco.
That is all.
;>(
“Lou decided to go out on the mound to strangle Gregg, got halfway, literally waved at him and said, “Fuck it,†and ambled back to the dugout.” Priceless.
For my money, you leave Marmol in and watch him bounce Spauldings off people’s
torsos. Make ’em earn it.
2004 still was worse. That team let it slip away, and expectations were even higher after 2003. Let the MEP preparations begin.
Just in time for the 40-year anniversary of the August of 1969!
That one gutted me when I was a kid, and this one, well…I am more than halfway through my lifespan, and my chances with the Cubs look only marginally better than my Dad’s.
Kevin Greg. Too much good stuff.
oh wait…
Sure, the Padres have fallen on hard times, but they did have a few division titles recently (albeit in a bad division).
But at least the Padres have been to the World Series in the last half century.
Twice!
The problem is what to do with this team. The backloaded contracts and ownership fiasco preclude backing up the truck, yet at the very least the 2 corner outfielders clearly need to be shipped out of town. Donuts will be sacked after this year. Then what?
Then the Triangle Building is built with PSL money and fun is had.
Oh, you mean ON the field?
Andy… just based on this column, you need to make space on your mantle for the Pulitzer and the Nobel prizes that are coming your way. I think you may also get the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I can only hope that this past week of Cubs failures will finally open the eyes and minds of all those Cubbies fans to the fact that their team isn’t golden.
Keep writing the truth, Andy!!
Alright, who took Geovany Soto to the amusement park?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MD6Cx0qzRA&feature=player_embedded
I don’t understand why sox fans like marty even visit this sight… pretty typical i guess, they take more joy in the cubs failures than the sox success
We used to say, “There’d come the day, we’d all be making songs”
“Or finding better words…,” these ideas never lasted long
*slam*
Enjoy 10 years of trying to rebuild from a barren farm system.
Also, enjoy dying without ever seeing a title.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsmybQKpmTw
Enjoy dying without ever seeing a vagina.
BOOM-PING-POW!
Its not all bad. The Viking surrenderd today faster than a french army at a brie dairy
My fastball is still straighter than Gregg’s.
I hope you’re working on a response to the latest BCB post.
I know sammie, my mom’s working on BCB’s post too.
Both Al and Kermit have lost their fucking minds. Well, not Al, he never had much of one in the first place.
this blows…fowl win division, and honkey sux southsiders back into winning their division. let’s hope favre throws more INTs than cutler
Championship Window had better not be a fan of the Cardinals or White Sox and be popping off about “barren farm systems”. The Fowl sold their souls to get Holliday and DeRosa, and now their sytem is ranked in the bottom five. They’d better hope they re-sign one or both of those guys. And the Sux gave up a shitload for Peavy. Their system is pretty thin, too.
Marty,
Wanna make-out.
You can slip me your tongue!
Your mom’s working on BCB’s……ummmmm….beat me to it.
I’m sure there’s a good reason why Billy Wagner’s not an option. Can someone remind what that reason is?
Because I’m old and injury prone?
is also a Cubs fan, and hates his life because of it.