We’re just back from Puerto Rico and Andy is letting me take the reigns for today’s Daily Dose. I’m pretty excited actually because I met the most wonderful woman in Puerto Rico.

She’s of Jamaican descent and a real looker. We met just after the Cubs’ loss on Wednesday night and danced the night away. Yesterday, during the seventh inning of the third game of the series I got down on one knee and popped the big question.

The big question was. “Is it just me, or do you look like a big bottle of syrup?”

The answer of course was, “Yes, mon.”

I also asked her to marry me! She’s thinking about it.

Usually in this space, Andy likes to make pithy observations about important things like the Cubs game, the Bears, that Jim Tocco guy, and tails of how my alcoholism is pretty much ruining my professional and personal life. I love that guy.

I have a few observations about our three days in Puerto Rico.

– The humidity down there was like 187 percent. Joe Borowski’s sweaty enough in the upper midwest, but down there, he left a trail behind him everywhere.

– Only the Expos could play some of their home games in a 40,000 seat stadium and some in a 14,000 seat stadium and average more fans in the little park.

– Even though everybody kept explaining to me that Puerto Rico is a commonwealth of the United States, it sure felt like a different country to me. But then, so does Baton Rouge.

– Contrary to something Paul Sullivan wrote in the Chicago Tribune, there were no chickens running around on the field during the series. I did see a guy choking one in the bathroom though.

– I don’t remember much after the fifth inning yesterday. That was about the time we ran into this guy:

– The Cardinals and Astros meet up this weekend and if there is any justice in the world, the earth will open up and swallow them whole.

Over on ESPN 6 they showed the commissioner’s office performing the coin flips to determine who will get home field advantage over who in the event of any needed play-in games on September 29.

The Cubs won their coin flips against the Astros, Dodgers and Phillies, but lost the ones to St. Louis, Los Angeles and Florida. They also had a coin flip to determine if Bud Selig should start phasing in the “I’m slowly growing gray” toupee or not. Alas, he lost. Take that whichever way you wish.

We had a coin flip of our yesterday on the tarmac at the Puerto Rico International Airport (better known as “freshly mowed pasture number six.” The flip determined which of us got to sit in the Fed Ex jump seat and which one had to sit in the crate with the 350 pound ex-con. I’m not going to tell you who won, but let’s just say that when you’re in an unheated, unpressurized cargo hold, it’s nice to have some man flesh to cuddle with.

I’m also excited to announce that we’re bringing back a staple of the early years (1997-1999) of Desipio, and that is the football picks of Dave, the football prognosticating cat. We had the art department put together a little graphic for Dave.


Wow, they do good work, huh?

Anyway, here are Dave’s picks for this weekend.

College Football
Notre Dame (+10) at Michigan — That’s too much chalk to give to Lloyd Carr. The Irish might not win, but they can keep it under ten. Notre Dame

South Carolina (+14) at Georgia — Lou Holtz AND two TDs? The Gamecocks won’t beat the Bulldogs (even though, if they would it piss off Chip Caray and who doesn’t enjoy that?) but they’ll keep it under 14. South Carolina

Penn State (+9.5) at Nebraska — Nebraska’s offense is a rumor, their defense is solid, but nothing to write home about. But then again, Penn State lost to Boston College. Woof. Take the overall wearing hillbillies and give the spread. Nebraska

NFL
Bears (+8.5) at Minnesota — Do we even have to explain? Minnesota

Seattle (-4.5) at Arizona — Who didn’t get the memo that the Cardinals suck? Seattle

UPSET SPECIAL: Houston (+8.5) at New Orleans — They took advantage of the Fighting Wannstedts ineptitude last week, and the Saints aren’t exactly Mensa members. Since they can actually block this year nobody will blow out the Texans, (OK, not many teams will blow out the Texans). Take the points and the Texans. Houston


It took three games for Phil Rogers to figure out the Cubs offense sucked in Puerto Rico.

The Cubs mounted a pretty good rally, but it was too little too late. Sounds like my fourth honeymoon.

Tails never fails. Well it went 3-3. Actually it went 0-1. Oh, I’ll stop babbling now.

On Wednesday the Sox had a chance to stretch their lead to three games with the potential of making it four on Thursday. Instead it’s all tied up again. Let’s just say, the Sox won’t need any coin flips to figure out they’ll be home on September 29, and 30, and October 1…

Rick Morrissey says that Roberto Alomar is a big wimp.

Ed Sherman on the Cubs and Sox ratings (the Cubs had higher ratings for a game on Fox Sports PLUS than the Sox got on Fox Sports itself, which is about right) and on the return of Terry Boers. Terry’s too grumpy…even for me.

Julius Jones is happy to be back.

John Jackson is in a bad mood.

I think Mariotti put down the doughnut here to try and be funny. But with him, there’s a thin line between funny and inept.

The Wizard of Roz wonders if Mark Grace will be a player, a coach or a broadcaster next year? I can guarantee you he’ll be kissing some serious writer’s hiney next year and backstabbing players, no matter what his occupation.

Peter King and our cat like the Texans. How nice.

Johnny Cash, best known for being the toughest guy in any room is dead.

John Ritter, best known for pretending he was gay and fooling Mr. Roper is also dead.

J. Lo is just plain nuts.

Christian Bale is the new Batman. I was pulling for David Spade, myself.

“I’m eyeballing you, baby!”

America’s finest news source on an old lady who won’t spend any money because she’s just going to die anyway.