Have you heard the one about the pornographer?s daughter that falls for the district attorney?s son? If you?ve been watching Fox lately you?re much more likely to have heard that one and know the date of 24?s commercial-free season premiere than you are to have seen the first pitch back from the commercial break. Ugh?

Not that you Cubs fans still have any reason or desire to watch baseball this fall, but the Red Sox make it to the World Series if Dusty Baker is managing the Yankees. I know some of you, Andy included, believe Dusty was the only guy that could have brought this year?s team so far, so quickly—but eventually you?ll tire of his ability to actually manage big games just like San Francisco did. Do you really believe that Dusty would?ve had the sack to remove Roger Clemens in what could have been his last career appearance after four and a half innings? I think that because Dusty has no idea how to get from his starter to his closer (even in San Fran where he had a dependable Tim Worrell and Felix Rodriguez setting up Rob Nen), he often just stops counting pitches, closes his eyes, waits for the seventh inning stretch and hopes for the best. Like Wood on Wednesday, Clemens clearly didn?t have his best stuff on Thursday night, but Torre was unwilling to go down without at least giving someone else a shot to stop the bleeding and get his team back in the game. Behind Mussina and Wells working effectively on short rest (Paging Clement and Zambrano to the bullpen please?), by the time he got to Rivera the Pinstripes were at least within striking distance and had regained momentum and more importantly the home crowd.

Sure on Opening Day, most Cubs fans would?ve gladly accepted a divison championship (over solid/experienced Astros and Cardinals? rosters), and a division series over the Braves, especially knowing that Hee Seop Choi, Bobby Hill and Corey Patterson would not be on the playoff roster, and that?s all well and good. But the very real possibility that Dusty is going to overwork the undisputed strength of the Cubs (starting pitching) is overly evident. Just like in Frisco where he?d routinely let Jason Schmidt and Livan Hernandez hit 130 pitch counts, he?s willing to do the same with even younger guys in Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Even though Prior still has less than 50 major league career starts, and Wood has still yet to post a 15-win season.

With that warning noted you?ll at least begin next season, for the first time in what seems like forever, without a question mark at third base, and hopefully a healthy Corey Patterson. I think those of you clamoring for Luis Castillo as your solution to the leadoff spot are a tad misguided, but what do I know?

Anyway, that?s at least the take of an unbiased Cubs observer, so take it for what it?s worth?

But that doesn?t take away the sour taste of just how close to the World Series this year?s team took you. Sixth and seventh games at home, with your ace and #2 on the mound (never mind one?s that like I said before, aren?t exactly 20-game winners, yet?). And in some ways, it was all over once Bernie Mac rocked the mic during the stretch in Game 6, even though you were up 3-0, and just six outs away. At least Bartman?s act (There is such a thing as bad publicity after all, isn?t there Steve?) and Gonzalez? boot didn?t occur in Game Seven. You lived to play another day, and just came up short.

Since Andy, and maybe most of you, were unable to stomach Wednesday night?s postgame, I?ll fill you in. Steve Lyons got his suit ruined by Cristal and referred to Jack McKeon as Jeff, National League President Bill Giles called Ivan Rodriguez “Pudgie”, and Darren Baker got a lot of post-game press conference screen time which he used to introduce one of his Hot Wheels to the lead microphone. He also took off Dusty?s hat and eventually dropped it to the floor. Like Dusty, I?m a father, and as much as I love my kid too, they don?t need to be on my lap (or in the dugout), especially after a heart-breaking loss.

Dusty did come out of the dugout and on to the field to thank the shell-shocked fans twice, unfortunately Fox spent less time catching the Cubs? players reactions (like they did of the Sox last night) then they did of the Marlins hopping around on the mound. As a fan, I think you are comforted slightly in seeing how badly your team?s players wanted it, how disappointed they were knowing that they?ll return even more determined the next time out. Anyway, it?s over and tonight college hoopers take to the hardwood?

Last week on Survivor: Drake outsmarted themselves by throwing immunity to rid themselves of Burton, but lost the services of Rupert to Morgan for the next rewards challenge.

We start on night 12 at Drake, where Burton has just been given his walking papers and the fireside chat reveals that only Michelle voted otherwise. You know what that means—don?t get too comfy girlfriend, err traitor. Trish and Shawn begin to plant seeds of doubt that Rupert will be disloyal during his 3-day stay at Morgan.

Trish says, “I?m worried he?ll give up too much info?,” like what? We really are kicking your butt, huh? We sure do eat a lot better than you guys over there?

Shawn agrees, “Three days is a long time to spend with another tribe,” and your point is? Rupert, and no member of Drake, would?ve had to spend anytime at Morgan had you not thrown the last challenge. In fact, they also still wouldn?t know how to work the fishing spear, and they?d have eaten themselves out of food.

But that didn?t happen, because with Rupert on their team, not only does Morgan win last week?s immunity, they also win this week?s rewards challenge (a complicated mission involving a rowboat, ladder rungs on the ocean floor, and an idol in a well—don?t ask). Just know that as always Rupert plays to win, and he did all of the diving for the Morgan tribe, while Jon failed miserably to keep Drake?s rowboat on course. By the time Drake finally recovers they are too far behind and have to settle for Jeff?s mockery, “Welcome to the contest Drake, glad you could join us!”

For their winning efforts, which came without the standard Rupert-battlecry, Morgan wins loofas, shampoo, “conditioner is better”, rain jackets, a boiling pot, two water jugs and a portable shower. Rupert is given the chance to enjoy the reward before returning to Drake, but he wisely declines. Of course the only reason to stay would?ve been to sneak a peek at Darrah?s naked bod. I?d have at least thought about it, as there?s not exactly a Heidi or Jenna this season. Instead of stealing a few glances himself, Andrew is inspiring the troops, and feels good that they?ve finally “proven that we can win”—-he fails to add the all-important caveat “with Rupert.”

Rupert says, “It?s good to be back home,” and starts answering questions of how life is at “Jenny Craig Island”. He says that Osten does even less work than Shawn, and then he finds some baby snake floating in the water that requires medical attention—-again, don?t ask, but his name is Balboa.

Andrew arrives to pillage, and Rupert tells him, “You can take whatever the f* you want, but?,” and kindly guides him to the bags of rice that Morgan needs to stave off starvation. He even offers a little extra since no one is looking. I?m not sure if this makes Andrew Rupert?s bitch—but it?s very possible.

Next up Jeff?s got a blender, which means a Fear Factor-inspired nasty smoothie buffet for immunity. The ingredients are any combination of sea water, mango, wait it gets worse?red shellfish, octopus, bleeding clams (ewww!), squid, sardines and rock oysters. As always, Drake has a plan. Michelle apparently has a hidden talent of consuming inedible objects, and is instructed to play it off as though she?s sooo grossed out by the day?s event that she effectively lures Morgan in to nominating her for the inevitable do-or-die timed face-off. But, as Jon (who?s still annoyingly referring to himself as Johnny Fairplay) notes her ego wouldn?t let her, he then (not kidding) gives her inanimate ego a very animate, yet censored middle finger. Since Michelle proved to have no problem gulping down the nasty concoction in seconds flat, Morgan nominates Sandra, and Drake nominates Darrah after everyone had their turn. Jeff adds tops off the final serving with a raw sardine—-which Sandra literally throws back up in to her hand not once, but twice. Darrah emerges victorious, and now Morgan has won back-to-back challenges (sort of like the Marlins, my bad, moving on?). For Darrah the grossest part of the day was having to deal with Jon?s unwanted advances she dismisses with, “no offense, but you?d have no chance.” Ouch!

Like the rest of us, Michelle knows her minutes are numbered, so she initiates a last-ditch ?I-eat-less-but-work-more-then-Shawn? campaign, then she throws up her seafood smoothie. Rupert buries the vomit in the sand, while her tribemates bury her chances at $1 million dollars a few hours later. It?s worth noting that jackass Jon is somehow aware that the Scarface DVD has been recently released and says, “Say goodbye to the bad guy!” when revealing his vote.

Michelle is voted off unanimously, and now she?s probably rethinking her lack of acting skills and ability to follow simple directions. Next week Jon tires of Shawn?s work ethic, while a pelican bothers Osten at Morgan. Seriously?

Lastly, the wait is almost over The Desipio College Preview is undergoing final tweaking and will be unveiled next week? Promise. I just hope that you accept with a little less ambivalence then you did Mr. Turvey?s NBA Preview, but then again, why wouldn?t you?

And as always, we might as well close with Britney?