In today’s Sun-Times editor/baseball “expert”/nincompoop Chris DeLuca reports that sometime last year the White Sox and Marlins discussed a trade of Marlins’ slugging outfielder Mike Stanton for Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

You read that right.  A trade of one of the top prospects in the game, a 20 year old with enormous power potential for a manager.

You know how we know it’s not true?

Because Kenny Williams would have done it in a heartbeat.

You know why?  Because any general manager would do it.  Much less one who’s tired of his manager’s act.

It is true, of course that trades of a player for a manager have happened.  Most recently the (then) Devil Rays traded Randy Winn to the Mariners for Lou Piniella.

Guillen confirmed that the Marlins had received permission to talk to him after the season ended, but that he re-upped with the Sox instead.

DeLuca claims “major league sources” (he didn’t capitalize Major or League) told him that Loria was intent on hiring Guillen and that:

Talks, sources say, progressed to the point that there was discussion of executing a trade that would send Guillen, who has a year left on his contract, to the Marlins for 20-year-old outfielder Mike Stanton, who hit 22 home runs and knocked in 59 runs in just 100 games as a rookie this season.

I believe that somebody would trade Mike Stanton for Ozzie Guillen alright.  I just think it would be this Mike Stanton:

It’s one thing to run with a wildly exaggerated rumor.  It’s quite another to write what Phil Rogers did today:

Phil’s morning dump was longer than usual, so let’s just focus on the two most ridiculous parts.

1. Where he basically says Cliff Lee is a pussy.  Well, maybe he’s a pussy, it depends on whether he “mans” up and pitches game four, or not.

Using starters on short rest in the playoffs is almost always a bad idea. The 2009 Yankees somehow made that idea work, but take them out of the equation and teams have lost eight straight games using a starter on short rest against a fully rested starter in the playoffs.

Gotcha.  Always a bad idea except for way back during last year’s playoffs when it worked and was a good idea.

Yet despite those numbers, the best move for Texas in the World Series is to use Cliff Lee on three days’ rest in Game 4, which might get him a chance to become a superhero with another short-rest start in Game 7.

Never works, needs to work so the guy who got lit up in game one of the World Series can pitch two more times, this time on short rest.  Awesome theory.

There is a problem with this, however. Lee probably doesn’t want to do it.

He doesn’t want to do it?  Now that is a scoop, Phil!  Good work.  I’m sure you have a quote where he says that.

Oh, wait, I read it wrong you wrote, that he “probably doesn’t want to do it.”  Which means, like always you don’t know shit.

He appears concerned about the possible damage to either his arm or his reputation if he gets slapped around, although we may never know for sure whether Rangers manager Ron Washington forces the issue, as he should.

He appears to be two things.

1. He appears to be married to a 14 year old:

And, he appears to be not talking to you about this, so you appear to be making it up, and not only making it up, but qualifying what you are writing so much that not only can you not be wrong (a first for you), but you can’t be right, either (which you are used to.)

Barring loose lips by someone in the tight circle of that decision – say Nolan Ryan, Jon Daniels, Mike Maddux and Washington – it will be impossible to know if Washington or Lee made that call.

See what I mean?  Ugh.  Well, at least you won’t be able to write anything dumber than this today.

Oh, wait…

2. Or is Washington preparing to spring the ultimate surprise?

The ultimate surprise?  I like this!  It’s exciting!  Is it:

a) Ron’s going to hold Lee for game eight?

b) It turns out that the Ron Washington Halloween kid is actually Ron’s cocaine dealer?

c) Something that Phil made up that’s so dumb it will blow your mind?

It’s C!

What if he slides Neftali Feliz into the rotation?

What?  Wait, WHAT?

The guy has an unbelievable arm and is considered a long-term option for the rotation?

So which game of the World Series is long-term?  Must be game three, because you already called Cliff Lee a bitch because you think maybe he isn’t willing to pitch game four, but you didn’t ask him (even though the Tribune flew you to the World Series and junk) so you just made it up.

But seriously?  The Rangers are going to take their 22-year-old closer, a guy who hasn’t had an outing of more than two innings (and he only did that twice) this season and start him in a World Series game?  What kind of opiates are you on?  Are you staying at a hotel or a hostel?

He could blow away the Giants’ right-handed-heavy lineup for three, four, maybe even five innings in a start.

No.  No he couldn’t.  You know why?  Because he’s the closer and he’s been the closer all year, and even Dusty Baker thinks it would be dumb to even think about this.  In his big league career his longest outing ever is two and two-thirds innings.  But you want to start that?  You want to start a game with your closer and have to turn it over to a bullpen that’s imploding before everyone’s eyes for the last six and a third, for what reason, exactly?

If this was the Caribbean World Series, it would be the exact kind of move that would be considered, as major league general managers gnashed their teeth about possible injuries.

Is this some kind of a joke?  Have you figured out how to post a gag version of your morning stool just to my computer?  The Caribbean World Series?  Are you serious?  The epic event that Hank White once won by bouncing a ball off of Erick Aybar’s head?  So if a strategy is good there, why not try it in the REAL goddamned World Series?

It was curious that Washington didn’t get Feliz any work in Game 2, when the bullpen was imploding around him, as he hasn’t pitched in a week. Interesting, isn’t it?

Not interesting.  This isn’t going to happen, Philly.  It’s not even going to be considered.  You are a special kind of dumb.

This is a highly unlikely scenario, granted, but Washington, Ryan and Daniels are creative enough to consider a lot of options, and they do have some versatile guys on their staff.

If their staff is so good and versatile, they probably don’t need to START the fucking CLOSER.  Just a hunch.

They’ve also got: A) cojones, and B) little to lose after their Games 1 and 2 pitching scripts resulted in 20 runs allowed.

Well, Cliff doesn’t have any cojones.  He maybe might not even want to start game four, possibly, perhaps.

For the Rangers, the rest of the World Series should be about having fun, leaving a mark, not losing by the book.

No, the rest of the World Series should be about trying to win it, Phil.  They’re not down 3.975 games to none in a best of four.  They lost the first two games of the World Series on the road.  Why, that’s an impossible obstacle to overcome.  Maybe they should play the rest of the games in clown shoes just for shits and giggles?

Phil, when you have these psychotic episodes in the future, do us a favor.  Don’t write them down.