Dear mouthbreathing hillbillies of the world,
I want to congratulate you on your favorite baseball team’s recent acquisition of Ryan Theriot to play…(pardon me while I try not to laugh and urinate at the same time)…shortstop for you next season.
You’re going to love him. He’s full of the false hustle and overrated grittiness that you seem to hold so dear in your baseballers. Oh, and he’s a white guy, so you’ll get a kick out of that.
There’s a lot to really like and admire about Ryan Theriot.
He made it to the big leagues despite not being a really good athlete.
He made it to the big leagues without being all that fast, his arm is pretty weak, and his baseball instincts are for complete shit.
Other than the fact he can’t play defense, can’t hit and can’t run the bases he is awesome at baseball. So it’s really a great move for your team. I assume that he was the Cardinals’ fallback when they couldn’t talk Stubby Clapp out of retirement.
What you’re going to really appreciate from Theriot is that he’s a winner. Oh sure, the teams he plays on lose a lot, but he’s a winner. If you need a nine hop dribbler to shortstop in a key spot, Ryan Theriot is your man. Oh, it won’t advance a runner or get him on base, but he’ll get it for you.
If you need a guy to try to go from second to third with nobody out on a routine grounder to short, Theriot’s your man. Oh sure, he’ll be out at third by about 18 feet, but he’ll be running really hard when he does it.
Need a guy to be completely indecisive about whether to tag up and try to score on a flyball from third? The few times Theriot actually gets to third base, he will make that situation pay off by bouncing up and down instead of tagging up or going halfway and then guessing wrong about what he should do about 87 percent of the time. The fact that a third base coach is telling him what to do doesn’t matter. That little grit-box has no need for coaching assistance. He’s all instinct, that guy.
Even though he’s completely overmatched defensively at shortstop, (he makes up for a stunning lack of range with a terribly anemic arm), he claims that he can only hit when he’s playing short. Last year he hit .339 with a .758 OPS at short and only .254 with a .606 OPS at second.
Now that is versatility. The only way he can be of moderate help at the plate (because even a .758 OPS is shit) is if he’s killing you in the field.
What Theriot ignores with that statement is that almost all of those at bats came last April when he was getting on base at a decent clip thanks to an unsupportable .395 batting average on balls in play. His little dribblers were finding holes or dying in the grass in front of fielders. Because he was still striking out way too much for a guy with no power (16 times in 101 at bats) and it didn’t matter if the Cubs had played him at second or left or had him pitch or if they strung him up by his tiny little socks on a rooftop, or left him at short, his average (thanks to the law of) was going to end up in the toilet at some point.
But rest assured, should you somehow contend for a playoff spot in 2011, Theriot will come up huge. Why the trade from the fifth-place Cubs to the Dodgers last July 31 rejuvenated him. He could smell the postseason and he loved that stench. And he came through for the Dodgers hitting .242 with an on base of .323 and a slugging of a whopping .283. He’s got a .581 OPS in the playoffs, too! Reggie Jackson better look out, somebody else wants to be Mr. October.
He’s a great young talent. Oh, did I mention he’s 31 years old? (An awesome combo, he’s old, slow and has no power.) His OPS plus trend is pretty exciting. It was 72 his first full-season as an every day player and then it surged to 92 in 2008 (almost competent!) the one year he actually took walks and embraced the few things he did well, and since then? 83, 70 (with the Cubs last year), 69 (with the Dodgers last year.) He’s got a 50 in him somewhere, I hope you get to see that!
I was really impressed that your Cardinals traded for him when the Dodgers were going to non-tender him. Bold move to lock yourselves into no less than $2.6 million for next season, considering on the open market (if you’d waited one more day) he could command between $500,000 and $750,000. Savvy.
But if there’s anybody to be excited for, it has to be Blake Hawksworth, the mediocre pitcher you sent to the Dodgers. A lot of us had him in the “next Cardinals pitcher to die in a drunken car wreck or drug-induced hotel nap” pool. Congrats to the Cardinals for saving a life yesterday.
I endorse the Cardinals bold strategy of trying to build a pennant contender out of two great players, an injury prone Cy Young contender, the whiter, balder version of Alfonso Soriano in left field and 21 awful players. Let me know how that works out for you.
I also endorse the fact that the Cardinals seem to have fired every scout on their payroll. How else do you explain trading an actual player for one of the worst every day players in the big leagues? Gotta admire how lean that organization is. Smooth.
Theriot said yesterday that he’s “glad to finally be on the right side of the Cubs-Cardinals rivalry.” I couldn’t agree with that more.
He’s on the right side alright.
Yours.
Enjoy.
Suckers.
Love always,
Andy
On behalf of all slow, vertically challenged, older white male Americans, I protest this blatantly discriminatory comment about the dental condition of residents of the Greater St. Louis area.
The Best Fans In Baseball Will Love ME!
This is the worst written, and most awful column i’ve ever read. It’s clearly a big deal that this guy lost Theriot from his team, so how does he respond? He becomes bitter and points out all the mistakes this player has had.. haha. How pathetic.. Oh, I know, when something goes my rivals way I’m going to post how horrible that player is even though yesterday he was my shortstop.
Haha, Cubs fans will never cease to amaze me.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading your sob story, now get over it!!
:)
Lighten up, Nanette.
Fabry does realize that we all hated Theriot BEFORE he left the Cubs, right?
Andy could’ve written this in 2008 and it would have been just as accurate.
Fabry sounds like the name of an ill-fated WWF valet from the 80’s — French, effeminate, complete with cane, curls and sand to blow into opponents eyes.
What about me?
Fabry’s right. Look at the love letter Andy wrote me when the Cubs traded me:
https://www.desipio.com/?p=3011
I would have given this guy a standing ovation on May 10, 2011 if not for his comments yesterday. I probably still will.
That POS actually said he was on the right side of the rivalry now? If anyone didn’t feel like an idiot for buying a theriot jersey before, I hope they cry when they read that.
“But if there’s anybody to be excited for, it has to be Blake Hawksworth, the mediocre pitcher you sent to the Dodgers. A lot of us had him in the “next Cardinals pitcher to die in a drunken car wreck or drug-induced hotel nap†pool. Congrats to the Cardinals for saving a life yesterday.”
-What the hell is wrong with you?
By “right” he meant “reactionary”.
I agree with Ryan Franklin! How dare you make light of things that actually happened to Cardinals pitchers! For shame.
By the way, free drinks for all Cardinals pitchers every night at Shannon’s!
What’s great about this post is it not only stereotypes an entire fanbase, it also pokes fun at the the early death of a man who, by all accounts, was a good person and teammate and left a young family behind. Nothing classier.
Most Cards fans, with a voice (radio, news, blogs) and without, are not impressed with this trade if it means Theriot will be replacing Brendan Ryan as the everyday starting shortstop. Theriot is only marginally better offensively, and defensively Ryan’s superiority is off the charts. But a lot of time remains this offseason, and the rhetoric about theriot being the likely SS may just be an attempt to light a fire under Brendan Ryan.
Of course, the logic above may be too complicated for the likes of this blog. So let me Cub it up for you: Go fuck yourself. The Cards win divisions, pennants, and World Series. The Cubs don’t, and won’t. Ever. Expect Ron Santo to regenerate legs first.
Understand now?
Once again miles over the heads of retarded Cardinal fans.
If by ‘satire’ you mean the Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh style of misplaced humor, then your comment makes sense.
Otherwise, go read a fucking dictionary.
Will I not make my month now that a few Card fans have learned to read?
If I wanted to know anything more about “*******” than I already know, then I would read a ******* dictionary. But the issue is satire. Maybe it is too soon to write about the Cardinals who abuse marijuana, steroids and alcohol, but what has that to do with Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh? Anyway, dollars to donuts those creeps are Cardinal fans.
You suck too.
You were all witnesses once to the grittiness of a small white firecracker Shortstop. Impish. Gritty. Full of zest for the game. Baseball smarts, by the barrel full! Why this Theriot fella is the next Great White Hope to lead us to the promised land.
How dare a satirical Cubs blog slander his good name by pointing out useless information like stats and actual game observations made over the course of three and a half seasons. BUT TO THEN GO AHEAD A BESMIRCH THE GREAT DARRYL KILE!? OR JOSH HANCOCK!? For shame.
Next thing you know they’ll be making outlandish claims about the the state not being full of backwater, inbred, mouth breathers.
Don’t worry boys. We’re going to hook this kid up with the finest St. Louis training regiment and he’ll be setting career highs in no time.
He was the starting shortstop for those winning years but now he’s shoe crap? Maybe he should congratulate the Cards for winning a world series since the invention of fire and playing in a stadium that was dedicated after Abraham Lincoln. On the stadium thing, how much are seats across the street on the roof of the neighborhood scalper?
Makes me embarrassed to be a Cubs fan reading something like this.
Andy, I do believe you struck a nerve. I give Theriot about six weeks until he suddenly comes up injured, followed by a remarkable roid induced recovery where he will once and for all discover his power stroke. He’ll be whacking it every chance he gets. I picture him and Albert doing the next Kibbles and Bits ads.
Looks like you managed to piss off a few Cards fans. Thin-skinned little buggers aren’t they? Give it a year, and they’ll be here saying how spot-on the analysis of Theriot is. “True baseball fans” will love Theriot’s flailing strikeouts, lack of extra base hits, caught stealings, and noodle-armed throws to first. I was just in St. Loo yesterday, and took time out of my busy day to take a leak on the side of the Cardinals stadium.
Welcome aboard bro! I’ll hook you up with some killer HGH and other “goodies”…..
Andy, You really put together a great piece here. You had this die hard Cubs fans attention until your ” A lot of us had him in the “next Cardinals pitcher to die in a drunken car wreck or drug-induced hotel nap†pool.” comment. Andy, YOU are a dipshit !!!
Weed helps you sleep.
Drinking helps improve your texting skills
What the fuck is that tow truck doing th
Im a lifetime Cubs fan! Grew up watching the Cubs when I was little and now that im approaching 29, Im still a fan! Ryan Theriot was a really great ball player and did provide a solid defense and offense for the Cubs. When I heard that Starlin was taking his place at short, I was pretty P.O-ed. I think we should have kept a couple more years and used a little more instead of putting a rookie in that position. Not a wise move with all the errors that Starlin has made this past year.
Is John for real? The is either the stupidest comment I’ve ever read or the most genius.
Another classy column from a so-called Cub fan. Why can’t anyone ever take the high road. Good luck Ryan. I know you’re feeling hurt being dropped by two teams,but you’ll come through. I for one am glad to see you with the Cards. I don’t think ss is your position, but hey, who know.s Go Cubs!.
Maybe it is the strong possibility that the 2011 Cubs could lose as many games as there are years since they have won a W.S. Or the fact they have wasted the best park by far in baseball by allowing it to become an expense crappy bar with a baseball inside that most fans are not there to see or understand. Or the never ending massive failure in player evaluations by GM Jimmy. Or the baseball nubbies running the show? But andy has tapped the heart line of Cub fan-dumb’s blotted, misinformed, pin-headed and misplaced habit of thinking that being the biggest jerk is equal to being a “big” fan.
It was me in particular that we’re bitter about.
Andy, you have fond the formula! Thirty six comments. Of course, many of them seem to be from the hillbillies who apparently lurk on tis site waiting to be offended so they can write something about the length of time it has been since the Cubs last won a World Series. However, rather than do the math (subtraction of a four digit number from another four digit number can be tricky) they simply sugggest that it has been a long time.
Man, I used to be a pretty big fan of this blog until I got to this part of this post, “But if there’s anybody to be excited for, it has to be Blake Hawksworth, the mediocre pitcher you sent to the Dodgers. A lot of us had him in the ‘next Cardinals pitcher to die in a drunken car wreck or drug-induced hotel nap’ pool. Congrats to the Cardinals for saving a life yesterday.” WTF man? Grow up. No sane, rational human being had Hawksworth next. He was three, maybe even four pitchers down on the list. Lohse has gotta be next. Vacant eyes. Douchey soul patch. Just screams out “Falls asleep at the wheel zonked out on Xanax and cough syrup while listening to Sublime and crashes into a telephone pole.”
I’m a big Cubs fan and i must say he was terrible he was a winner but that was the minors hes in the majors now and he’ll never be a winner thank god for castro at short for us now!!
I am a die hard Cubs fan and even I take offense to your comments about Kile and Hancock…someone needs to break off your limbs and beat the living piss out of you. I really hope that you are not a real journalist cause its a disgrace to call you a colleague!!!
grow up!!!!
Brutal about Kyle and the kid.
I hate you StL fans and your team,
but that was uncalled for