Hello again, America, your old friend Karry Ling here. Let’s start right off with the news that everybody’s talking about. It involves a little freak and some illegal use of the hands.
But enough about Doug Flutie!
No, seriously gang, before we get to the Michael Jackson news, I want to thank everybody who helped me celebrate my birthday the other night. A great time was had by all.
Andy got me a whole case of Wild Turkey, though he made me promise not to drink it at the office. But I’ve got him fooled, gang. I keep a bottle of it in the cafeteria and I drink some every day and then urinate in the bottle to keep the level up so it looks full.
Andy, in the cafeteria: Pffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!
Jake’s a new father of course, so I understand the confusion. He gave me a case of diapers.
But they weren’t in my size. Oh, I crack me up!
Before we get to the normal News and Notes part of this column, I have a great scoop. I did an interview this morning with the 12-year old boy who has accused Michael Jackson of sexual assault. In the interview, I referred to the boy by a code name. We decided to use the name Scotty.
Karry Ling: Scotty, I know this is very hard and very embarassing for you, but thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
“Scotty:” That’s OK, people need to know what Michael Jackson did to me.
Karry: I know the feeling, Scotty. I too, know what it’s like to be violated by a member of the Jackson family. I once hired Tito to sing at one of my weddings. Talk about taking one up the…. Oh, that’s probably not the same.
Where did you meet Michael?
Scotty: I was invited to Neverland Ranch with some other kids.
Karry: You know, Scotty, I’ve been to Neverland Ranch, too. I was disturbed by the sign hanging by the roller coaster that said, “You must be this tall to ride Michael Jackson.”
Scotty: I rode the roller coaster. That part was fun.
Karry: So where did Michael “molest” you at? Was it the horse barn? That’s where he tried to get me. All he ended up with was a hand full of hay and pitchfork in his thigh.
Scotty: It was getting late so he asked me to spend the night.
Karry: Ahh, I’ve done that with a number of dates. Works like a charm. Of course, my ploy usually involves a little GHB and a glass of sparkling water.
Scotty: My lawyer doesn’t want me to tell you any more.
Karry: Is she afraid that Michael’s defense lawyers will read this and use it against you in court?
Scotty: No, she said nobody reads this crap. But now I think she wants to go because she just poured her glass of sparkling water into the potted plant.
Karry: OK, than’s Scotty. We’re behind you 100 percent. Nail that little freak to the wall. Smooth Criminal my ass!
You know gang, it’s a shame when bad things happen to kids like that. It’s just awful. I know that Michael is innocent until proven guilty, and he doesn’t have a history of doing strange things, or of being a child molester or anything.
So I think he’ll be totally exhonerated.
Wait, does exhonerate mean to “get the death penalty?”
Shifting gears on this old jalopy, I saw one of the best movies of all time. It’s adventure on the high seas. Buckles get swashed, planks get walked and fun is had by all. It’s called “Cabin Boy” and it stars Chris Elliott and David Letterman plays a monkey salesman. Just a great flick.
My favorite band just put out a new album and I’m very excited about it. How can you go wrong with a song called “Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin?” You can’t.
Did you happen to catch the CBS special on “The Andy Griffith Show” last week? What a great show, though I will tell you, Thelma Lou has not aged well. Woof.
I heard a rumor that Jim Nabors is gay. But I have first hand knowledge of a night in Molokai when he and Rosie O’Donnell hit the town and I’m pretty sure Jim tapped that. But who wouldn’t? She’s a sweet gal.
I will, from time to time, lapse into a coma for no real reason, but did I see that Christina Aguilera is a nun now?
Good for her. If she needs any support…
I’ve got her back.
You know, the guys at Desipio World Headquarters are sports obsessed. I love it as much as the next guy, but there are times when I just like to crack open a fine book , listen to some fine music, and enjoy a fine wine. I’m just not so sure that Andy, Jake, Matt and Kelly understand that.
It could be the generation thing. I’m old enough to be their father. And I’m old enough to be Albert Pujols’ grandson.
So that’s old.
By now, you all know that Desipio has its first book out. We’re very proud. I have my interview with infamous Cubs “fan” Steve Bartman in there, so I’m happy. I was working on my own book, but Andy told me he wasn’t going to sit there and scan in the hundreds of bar napkins I’d written my hilarious “Deep Thoughts with Karry Ling” on. So I’ll give you a few for free.
-My fourth wife didn’t like anal intercourse because she said it was too painful. She always complained that I did a lot of screaming and didn’t like that I’d be unable to sit down for days at a time, afterwards.
-Why don’t they call a mustache a “mouthbrow?”
OK, I stole that one from a book. Get it eyebrow—mouthbrow? Oh, that’s funny.
-If Chip Caray were bludgeoned to death in a forest and nobody heard it, would anybody miss him?
-If two negatives make a positive, why can’t I just combine my IRA and checking accounts?
You get the idea.
Finally, I spoke with my good friend Rush Limbaugh the other day and he says he’s doing fine. He’s off the prescription pain pills and he’s ready to fight the charges of money laundering in Florida and New Jersey. He’s an inspiration to us all, folks. If a guy who has to get by on $100 million a year can beat an addiction to Hillbilly Heroin, I’d think all of us tubbies could find a way to lay off the Ben and Jerry’s.
Speaking of that, whichever one of those gay little Vermontian ice cream geniuses came up with the idea of combining their cookie dough ice cream with their brownie fudge ice cream, deserves a slap…and a hug.
Until next time, America.