Talk about your dramatic, improbable upsets. No, not Memphis winning at Louisville or Michigan beating Purdue, I?m talking Ryan over Charlie!

If you?re Charlie you?ve got to be pissed this morning. Trista (and her entire family) gave him every indication to believe he was the guy. In fact, she couldn?t come up with one negative, when asked, for choosing him. He?s got the better paying job, the nicer wardrobe, and the Cali zip code which seemed so important to her. Maybe because she thinks she needs to be in L.A. to pursue her acting/hosting career. Um, we all know where average looking girls with grating voices and annoying laughs end up don?t we?? That?s right—they end up on I?m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with Downtown Julie Brown. Wubba, wubba, wubba.

Seriously, what does Ryan bring to the table? I mean besides a bad haircut. He writes poetry?!???! Are you kidding me? You and me, and Shamu makes three?!?!?! I need you like the rainbow needs the rain?!?!?!? Is this guy for real, or is he thieving lyrics from Justin Timberlake?

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I wouldn?t be surprised to find out that ABC made Trista pick Ryan because they didn?t want to be responsible for the years of therapy the sensitive fireman would require if his heart was broken. And he paints?!?!?!? All we know that he can paint is a Siberian Tiger. Big whup—they make paint by numbers kits for 8-year olds with those kinds of random subjects. The dude?s a freakin? fireman, and no offense to fireman but I?m not sure that brings a lifetime of financial security. Dude didn?t even sound like he liked being a fireman that much. As I recall it was something like, “Well I did the whole football thing, and then I just gave it a try”. I have no idea what that means. And he lives in Vail, and even though Trista?s from St. Louis, she?s made it very clear that Vail is too cold and not good enough for her. And when you add that all up you?re left with only one possibility—-he simply blew her socks off in the sack. Good for him, good for her, good for everybody, now we can concentrate on the stretch run of college hoops.

It was all fun and games last week when I knew the country was being deprived of the entire first half of Tulane-Memphis due to Wake/Duke’s double OT foul-fest. But not so funny last night when I missed the first 8:20 of Duke-Maryland, the game ESPN has been cramming down our throats as the best in college hoops all season long. I?ve said it once, and I?ll say it again. There is absolutely no good reason why they only allow themselves a 2-hour window for televised games during their mid-week double and triple headers. College basketball games aren?t played in 2 hours, and they?re definitely not played in 2 hours when TV timeouts are involved. And while I?m griping about ESPN, why is Andy Katz sideline reporting? He?s the Peter Vecsey rumor-monger of college hoops and brings absolutely nothing to a game?s telecast?

So instead we got to see Louisville revealed as a fraud and overrated as a potential #1 seed. (Kentucky is the other as I?m unimpressed that their big wins over Notre Dame, Florida and Georgia have all come at home during their run of 15 straight). On their home floor they shot 5 of 23 from beyond the arc, and were outrebounded by the Memphis Tigers 45 to 29. Their coach, Rick Pitino, couldn?t even muster the class to shake John Calipari?s hand after the game. Of course, Memphis wasn?t all about class either as John Grice was T-d up before shooting free throws for giving the choke sign with the game nearly in hand. This gave Louisville a little hope, and more importantly meant we missed at least another minute of Duke-Maryland. Add Grice to my list of least favorite college hoopers along with Wake?s Danelius?

I?m not going to say too much about the Blue Devils taking care of the Terrapins, mainly because it was at home. This young team gets a huge lift from playing in front of the Crazies and senior Dahntay Jones takes his game to another level in front of the home crowd. They?ve still got to prove they?re capable of winning away from Cameron for me to believe, but they are taking a step in the right direction with the development of Shelden Williams. Last year Carlos Boozer was an efficient big man, who didn?t have to struggle to produce a nightly double-double with so much attention being paid to Dunleavy and Williams. But Shelden is showing signs that he can dominate the middle, something Coach K hasn?t had since Elton Brand left. After contributing 20 points and 8 boards on the road against Virginia, he followed with 13 points, 11 boards, and 6 blocks against the Terps. Now if they could just get Duhon to stop launching 35-footers.

And finally—we have a trade. I?m usually ambivalent towards the NBA, but I do have interest in the Magic (vis a vis Grant Hill) and the Grizzlies (vis a vis Battier). So when the two pulled off a deal Wednesday night, it caught my attention. Jerry West who has some unexplainable love for Florida grad Mike Miller, reunited him with his college teammate Jason Williams. He also brings in Notre Dame grad Ryan Humphrey, and an ?03 first and ?04 second for undrafted shooting guard Gordon Giricek and the #4 freakin? pick in last year?s draft, Drew Gooden. Gooden will finish in the top 3 in Rookie of the Year voting, and this simply may be giving up on him too soon. He?ll be a great fit for the Magic, and should ease the scoring void that G-Hill?s taken with him to the whirlpool. If you didn?t like Gooden at 4, then why in the hell didn?t you trade down on draft night for Caron Butler or Amare Stoudamire? The only good that comes from this move, is increased minutes at the 2 for Battier. So I really have no idea why I?m complaining, or why I even care.

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There?s much more important things to worry about—-like Helene?s broken heart (Tonight The Bachelor Tells All) and the fact that I still haven?t received my SI Swimsuit Issue? And I may or may not have heard something about Iraq. I?ll check in to it.