Hello again, everybody, I’m Karry Ling and I want to know what the hell is going on here! It wasn’t that long ago when Desipio was a nice, quite place. A place where an old guy could hide out from his ex-wives’ lawyers and drink Wild Turkey all day in his diaper and watch a little TV. Sure, Andy would write a column most days and bitch at me for blowing my nose on the drapes, but that was it. Then Jake would stop by a few times a month to file a column and he’d go on and on about how great Duke is at something.

Now we’ve got an Australian basketball expert, a punk kid from Shampain and a guy who’s parents were so confused at his birth that they named him after a girl?

There’s just one thing for me to do.

It’s time for News and Notes with Karry Ling. Hit it, Tommy!

I forgot the beginning of the joke but I know the punch line is, “He’s been in and out of the Paris Hilton more times than Jacques Chirac.”

I saw a great movie the other day gang, it had everything you’ll ever need. Swashbuckling action on the high seas, action, adventure, romance and a Lesbian daytime talk show host doing the voice of the main character. It was, of course, The Poseidon Adventure.

No, wait, it was Finding Nemo.

Did I ever tell you about the time Shelly Winters and I went skinny dipping? Well, in Shelly’s case it was just dipping.

There are of course two good questions you can ask yourself about Gene Hackman. First off, was he born 40 years old? Have you ever seen a photo of a young Gene Hackman? Perhaps he was born in a pod or something? But secondly, why does he yell all the time. Let’s take a look at some of his most famous roles.

Popeye Doyle in “The French Connection” — Semi-corrupt cop who beats guys up and yells a lot.
The Preacher in “The Poseidon Adventure” — Catholic priest who leads small band of survivors to safety after an ocean liner capsizes…who yells a lot.
Lux Luthor in “Superman and Superman II” — Evil supervillian who yells more than anybody…ever.
Norman Dale in “Hoosiers” — Disgraced former college basketball coach who leads a ragtag group of Indiana high school kids to an improbable state title and yells at them for two straight hours.
Paranoid Submarine Guy in “Crimson Tide” — Yells and yells and yells and has a little dog who follows him around and pees on everything.

I think I might be on to something.

So Britney Spears got married to George Costanza in Las Vegas and 55 hours later had it annuled? Don’t you think that somewhere in Texas Lyle Lovett kicked back and said to himself, “At least I got to have sex with my superhot wife in our short-lived marriage,”?

By the way, I watch CNN most of the day and I am the only one who gets aroused by the mere sight of Candy Crowley?

I was watching it the other day and they teased “Inside Politics” with, “And today, Judy Woodruff interviews Howard Dean and Candy Crowley eats a pie!” I tuned in and it was the happiest seven seconds of my life.

I have a new segment here where I will post some Yahoo News photos and caption them myself. It’ll be great. Here goes.


“Oh my god Brad, my new movie sucks!”


“I can honestly say, without reservation, that the bathrooms are over there!”


“Rainy days and Mondays always get me down! Everybody!”


“And for my next trick, I’ll unscrew this ‘g’ right out of the banner!”


“If you don’t mind my asking, Meester Vice President, why don’t you just use your heliocopter to crash through the dome in the Capitol and jump out and use a flamethrower on the Democrats?”


Honestly, I thought Joe Lieberman’s wife would be prettier.


When will that Darryl Kile tour ever end?


“Hi, I’m John Edwards, I’m running for President!”
“Of what?”


Crap, time to renew my subscription to Creem.


“It’s OK, Kobe, just let me help you over to this chair.”
“Chair? That’s my MOVE!”


“Well, we busted out of class, had to get away from those fools, we learned more from a three minute record baby, than we ever learned in school. Come on, Everybody!”


“Let’s ask Prime Minister Martin that. Paul, what year did Canada become a state?”


There is not enough hand lotion in the world.

Until next time, America!