Cubs Live? Cubs at Satanic Fowl, 12:45 pm

1. We’ll be having a pre-game bunting tournament at Ballpark Village. I hope Campana doesn’t fall down an open sewer hole.

2. 1. DeJestink, RF
   2. Campanstink, CF
   3. Castink, SS
   4. LaStink, 1B
   5. Sorianstink, LF
   6. Stewstink, 3B
   7. Castinko, C
   8. Barnstink, 2B
   9. Maholstink, P

   1. Furcal, SS
   2. Schumacher, CF
   3. Holliday, LF
   4. Craig, RF
   5. Berkman, 1B
   6. Molina, C
   7. Carpenter, 3B
   8. Greene, 2B
   9. Lohse, P

3. Today’s game will be delayed while we search for Furcal’s Absinthe.

4. How’s the visibility?

5. Got salad?

6. FDAHF = Fuck Dusty and Hendry Forever

7. BREEAAAVVVVEEEE!!!!

   Also, why am I with the Cubs on the road? And shit–I’m in freakin’ St. Louis, too? Dude, I need some blow.

8. Great, you have just insured that I will get no work done for the rest of the day

9. I kicked Crane square in the nuts when I saw Castro squaring up to bunt last night.

10. A Gamecast? Did I wake up in 2003?

11. Yes, CT. I hope you still have your Gabor Bako shersey.

12. Man did I get lit last night. Thank god I’m not working this game today.

13. test

14. I just put a Slurpee straw into a box of Franzia, and I’m ready to go! Let’s play a drinking game where we drink every time Matheny does something stupid. We’ll be hammered by the third.

15. I’m glad Pujols is sucking it up in California. He’s a trader. I’m glad we have David Freeze instead!

16. bocaj bocaj bocaj

17. Fuckin’ Pat Hughes.

18. Just be thankful you didn’t get plowed last night, Sutcliffe.

19. Oh, how…

20. We’ve got the “Josh Hancock” on special at my restaurant today. Come in after a day game, drink for 12 hours. If you make it home alive, drinks are on me.

21. Good afternoon.

22. So far so good, no bunting

23. Hi guys–

    Remember when Kyle Lohse was traded *FROM* the Cubs for me? And how I dragged my feet on allowing the trade even though Minnesota was bad (foreshadowing Fred McGriff by 2 years)? And then I finally arrived and sucked ass? Good times, Cub fans. Good. Times.

24. WHY IS CASTRO NOT BUNTING HERE?!?

25. Drink!

26. Oh, sure. Now I pull the ball.

27. 70 wins might be enough to take me. We’re all shitty.

28. FYSTINK!!!

29. I’d have tripled on that, Alfonso.

30. Watching him, I always get the idea that Ian Stewart isn’t too bad. But then you look at his numbers and…blecccchh.

31. The rout is on, bitches. Take the rest of the day off.

32. Keep on scoring, guys. I plan to suck today.

33. I’m actually just Tom Gorzelanny with a chromosome removed.

34. Hey guys what’s going on? Just finished getting my “rub down” from the Cardisnals trainer.

35. My arm is better than Juan Pierre’s. Just think about how terrible that makes Juan Pierre’s.

36. There goes the no hitter.

37. Lohse’s similar pitchers on Baseball Ref include Grand Marquis, High-may Navarro, Trachsel and a pre-electrocution Jeremi Gonzalez. Heady company.

38. You may out-toss Lucky, Tony. But compared to you both, I got a freakin’ HOSE.

39. Hey, I warned you.

40. *Geremi

41. ON PACE for a 27-18 slugfest!

42. The J was intentional – Lohse was similar to Jonzalez at age 23, when Geremi was still known as Jeremi. BOOM!

43. Why are they taking about my name? Is there nothing else going on?

44. ROASTED!

45. I miss the “vitamins” the Cardinals keep in their locker room.

46. We probably won’t win this ballgame.

47. I had a better arm than Juan Pierre.

48. Lohse can bunt. Get him back, Theo! RIGHT THAT WRONG!

49. This girl has a better throwing arm than Juan Pierre.

50. Sign her up.

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