Cubs Live? Cubs at Satanic Fowl, 12:45 pm

1. That girl threw to home with fewer hops than Jacqueshit Jones

2. I had to follow you past the jump.

3. Page…TWO.

4. I just struck out on afoul bunt. I have learned nothing.

5. So who’s going hunting with me after the game? I’ve got this awesome kn–OW!

6. seriously I am not good at this

7. Be glad you aren’t in the St. Louis area. Down here, I have to listen to Asshat Al Hrabosky and the Little Douche Dan McLaughlin. Hearing them fellate Yadier Molina the way they used to fellate Albert Pujols makes me want to beat them about the head and shoulders with Tony Campana’s wee little bat.

8. It seems the more I am discussed the worse the team gets at me.

9. You know what they should do next Spring? Some kind of contest where they will improve their bunting.

10. You know what I like?

    Hot dogs.

11. I also suck at bunting.

12. How ’bout that John Rooney! Miss you on the South Side, fella!

    Say, you got my eyepatch?

13. more like Cubs DEAD, amirite?

14. Anyone else hear me dogging Ramirez for not playing for the Cubs the way he plays against the Cubs? I really hate that guy!

15. Anyone up for getting shit-faced and chasing college pussy?

16. Did you see my Sosa hop on that homer? Our fans love that, because I’m white.

17. To be fair to Brenly, E-ramis is killing it against the Cubs.

    You know, if a .217 average with a .304 slugging is “killing” it.

18. Who’s up for some neutering?

19. Watching Campana bat is a fucking chore.

20. Hey, when do they plug me by playing a clip from me, wherein I sound like the retarded idiot that people are apparently choosing to remember me by?

21. I was just reading Kermit’s last Muskbox and I decided to check out Junior Lake’s updated stats at Tennessee. He’s hitting .296 with a 1.013 OPS in 8 games.

    And two stolen bases….in six attempts. Sweet Jesus.

22. Even when you try to hit me in the face, I get my bat on the ball.

23. You know what I like?

    Waffles.

24. LA HAIR BALL!

25. So which do we give Jim Hendry more credit for? Signing Bryan LaHair or keeping him stashed away in Iowa all last year?

26. Bow down before me, Cub fans. I have homered five times this season against these turds.

27. Hot damn, Rooney. Remember the time we ordered up some waffles at 4 AM at the Palace Grill and proceeded to pick up those two waitresses? Didn’t matter that you started throwing up…them ladies were up for anything.

28. Cubs just got me from the Red Sox! I don’t think I have to explain to you what this means!

29. I’m pretty sure that Sveum got Coleman up in the pen last inning as a threat to Maholm to start throwing strikes. Getting Wood up now is a threat to everyone to not throw up.

30. Hunter, you look like an excellent addition to the already-promising pitching corps of this Chicago ballclub.

31. Thanks, Reed. But I’m gonna need a waaaaay bigger lead than this.

32. I have as many vowels in my name as Cardinals fans have teeth in their heads.

33. I was going to play a corpse on an upcoming CSI episode, but the producers said I was overqualified.

34. Anybody want to catch my glove?

35. I can’t wait for the Kerry Wood retirement ceremony. How’s tomorrow morning? Everybody free?

36. Apparently the holdup on the Wood retirement ceremony is trying to coordinate his schedule with Kent Bottenfield’s and Tanyon Sturtze’s for the joint number retirement.

37. Kerry Wood could replace me tomorrow and make everyone happy

38. Jebus, thanks for reminding me of Tanyon Sturtze, Andy. Until now I had successfully removed his existence from my memory.

39. You knew if we did this, this would happen.

    FYC! FYC!

40. FYC, buddy.

41. Fuck YOU, Chuck!

42. GET FUCKED, CHUCK.

43. Humm baby!

44. Sveumstink is terrible.

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