Apparently Rick Morrissey is still being paid to write sports columns for a Chicago newspaper–believe me, I’m as surprised as you are–and earlier this week he had a very important message for all of you Cubs fans getting excited about the debut of first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Rick wants you to knock it off, because he’s got bugs to light on fire…or something.
What? Oh, let’s look at part of Rick’s magnum dopus.
I’m not hopping on the Anthony Rizzo Savior Tour Bus. Let’s give the boy king 30 games before we carry him into Wrigley Field on a royal litter. I don’t think I need to tell you what a magnifying glass and the sun can do to a monarch butterfly.
You might not need to tell us what it’ll do, but you might want to explain what it has to do with anything.
A month ago — hell, a week ago — if you had told me this team was capable of winning four games in a row, I would have said that your name was Billy Corgan or Ronnie ‘‘Woo Woo’’ Wickers and that there was a very good chance you were wearing a blue Cubs thong underneath your clothing.
As opposed to Rick, who wears his over his pants. Like a real man.
As someone in a press box said recently: ‘‘I don’t care about his WAR; I want to know if I can go to war with him.’’ Exactly.
Someone in the press box is a dumbass. Make that somebodies. That sounds like something Telander would say, and since it fits into his one sentence paragraph thing, it’s probably a safe bet.
Gush all you want about Rizzo’s clutch hitting, but I was more impressed that he came to Starlin Castro’s rescue Monday. The Braves’ Dan Uggla beat Castro’s throw after it appeared the Cubs shortstop had been nonchalant about getting the ball to first base on a routine grounder. When the Cubs were done with the inning, Rizzo hurried to Sveum and took responsibility for being slow to the bag, causing Castro to wait.
That’s right, you…you simp baseball fan…you enjoy Rizzo getting big hits, what Morrissey here is going to get excited about it Rizzo being late to cover the bag on a routine grounder. Now THAT’s baseball.
Their record going into the game Tuesday was 30-49, tied with the Rockies for the worst in baseball. They likely will be horrible by the end of the season.
There’s no need to wait until the end of the season, they’re pretty fucking horrible right now.
But, remember, the goal is to not be spectacularly horrible.
If that’s the goal of your column, you don’t reach that goal very often. But you normally can bring it home with a groaner of a pun. Come on, Rick, don’t disappoint!
The bar is set so low it has road rash.
There it is. The work of a trained professional.
Phildo cranked out another power ranking this week. It’s not his best work, but there are a few gems that we need to share.
2. Yankees (2): It doesn’t say a lot for the Yankees’ pitching depth that they hopped on Chad Qualls, who no longer fit in the bullpen of the fading Phillies.
Good lord, how big is Qualls? Scott Eyre fit into that bullpen with room to spare.
4. Angels (4): Albert Pujols didn’t deserve to be an All-Star, but don’t be surprised if he uses that as extra motivation for a terrific second half.
Phil’s going way out on a limb. He’s predicting that a Hall of Famer is going to have a “terrific” second half. What tipped him off, maybe Albert’s June? .326/.409/.568/.977, four homers, 19 RBI and more walks (14) than strikeouts (8)?
6. White Sox (10): Left-hander Leyson Septimo, who blanked the Yankees for 22/3 innings Sunday, joins right-hander Brian Omogrosso to give Robin Ventura 10 rookies on his roster, including seven of the 12 active pitchers. Jose Quintana and Addison Reed have been invaluable.
I don’t watch the White Sox, but even I know Phil just made up all four of those pitchers’ names.
8. Orioles (6): Camden Yards should be a good place for Jim Thome to hit, and the summer humidity should help keep his back loose.
That’s a great point by Phil. Baltimore’s humidity will help Thome’s back, much better than that lousy, worthless, Philly humidity.
12. Cardinals (12): Still treading water.
They have yet to drown. But it’s only a matter of time one of them does after a few tall ones at Mike Shannon’s.
13. Red Sox (15): Jacoby Ellsbury is on track to return after the All-Star break. He and Carl Crawford will add huge lifts if they can get off to fast starts.
This is the kind of insight that makes Phil a highly-paid national baseball writer. If really talented players like Jacoby Ellsbury and Carl Crawford play well right away when they get back from injury it will help the Red Sox. Way to go out on a limb, Phildo.
20. Royals (23): Could they really trade for Zack Greinke? Royals ownership seems interested in making a move that shows they are contenders, not the also-rans they seemed with a 3-14 start.
Why not? They’re eight games under .500, have no shot of getting back into the race and he’s a free agent after the season, so why not trade some top prospects for him?