Apparently, Kansas City doesn’t have gravity.
I just said on Fox that the first team I played for was the Indianapolis Clowns. Pretty sure Curtis Painter was the backup on that team, too.
The best part of the Fox pregame is the part of it they handed over to MLB Network. Fitting.
Oh, that’s right. I’m on Fox now. I get a whole set of new sporting events I can add nothing to.
Hey LaRussa! I’ve got your dog! I think the AL’s gonna win don’t you?
Royals fans barely cheered for Starlin Castro. Nobody likes that kid.
None of these players has even a single bible verse written on their batting gloves.
Godless Fucking Heathens.
So Royals fans boo Robinson Cano but cheer Ned Yost? They are a bunch of hillbilly dipshits, aren’t they?
How tall am I, 5’3?
When Billy Butler is that popular in your city, your baseball team’s been bad for a long time. #jeromyburnitz
By the reception I just received, it’s clear that Kansas City enjoys two things:
2. Unprotected animal sex
I wasn’t kidding about that dog, Tony!
Hey, I’m as surprised as anybody that the Rangers let me fuck my team up every year, too.*
What’s creepier about me:
1. My tattoos
2. My Jame Gumb voice
3. My complete lack of a functioning spleen?
Joe Buck with a blatant Budweiser plug to start the game. Gee, who saw that coming?
I just said the “sixth tool” is proving you can play in New York. Tim’s really the sixth tool.
I just said Melky cost Ryan Braun a triple by scoring from first on his double. Wha?
*You had me at Kate Upton’s vag freckle. What All-Star Game??
Tim’s stat that Votto has only fouled one ball into the right field stands in two years would be better if it ended, “But he’s killed several TV analysts with foul balls into the press box.”
Royals fans don’t boo me, even though I forced the team to trade me in 2005, because they all think that was Johnny Damon.
How much you want to bet that Fox doesn’t show the part of George Brett’s pregame speech to the AL where he lists all the places games are televised nowadays and forget to mention Fox?
MLB Network showed it.
Chipper’s speech was pretty good, but it wasn’t as good as the one I gave before my 12th Pacific Coast League All-Star Game last year.
Dan Uggla is the All-Star starter at 2B because baseball fans are idiots.
5-0 after a half inning? I could make a save chance out of that for somebody.
Justin looks like he could use some cheering up:
Good thing Fox told us twice in two minutes that Matt Cain has thrown a perfect game this season, because none of us are actual baseball fans who might know that.
I’m never leaving. Ever.
Nearly everything Tim McCarver says makes me want to drive a nail through my brain.
I’m sitting front row.
You know what we should be spending our money on? Expensive TV ads for our free Web browser!
Second prize is you play a softball game against 20 hall of famers and Jay Mohr.
First prize is you get to punch Jay Mohr in the face.
I forget does RA Dickey play guitar or bass in Alabama?
“Hard to believe Ortiz is the only representative of the Red Sox here.”
Yeah, sort of like everybody else is hurt.
Oh, what the hell, one more…
Votto has K’d and grounded out in two ABs. Yeah, like I couldn’t have done that.
You know, we probably can’t judge Joe Buck’s quality as a play by play guy as long as he’s saddled with McCarver.
I’m just kidding, we know Joe Buck sucks.
I just did a commercial for Chevy where I announced you can return any Chevy you buy. What I neglected to explain is that you have to take a different, equally shitty Chevy back.
“What’s the largest deficit any winning All-Star team has ever overcome?’
I hope the answer is four and everyone turns off their TV.
The AL is struggling so much they hit a grounder that Dan Uggla could successfully field.
Nobody Ken Rosenthal’s height wearing a bow tie should have anything but shorts on.
We’re going to “randomly” test Ryan Braun 67 times in the second half.
“When Strasburg came out, all anybody wanted to talk about was how good he was.”
Yeah, that must have really sucked for him.
Has to be the most exciting All-Star Game ever if Joe and Tim can take time to express how impressed they are that David Price knows how to type.
We added the punch top to the can so you could drink our shitty beer faster and not have to taste nearly as much of it.
*I came here to sing the National Anthem, and now they’re letting me pitch.
I was promised ’91 Dawson bat tossing and all I get is Kate Upton boobies. WTF
Try this: http://www.desipio.com/?p=4086
Can you hear the drums Fernando (Rodney)?
Comments are closed.