Yesterday the hilarious gang at ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Show pulled off a pretty good prank during Super Bowl media day by having Jimmy’s fat cousin Sal dress up as Carolina kicker John Kasay and having him answer media questions. The whole thing was capped off by the fact that when they had Sal move over towards Kasay to expose the ruse, Kasay got all pissed off.

Sure, it’s pretty much just like me signing autographs at the 2003 Cubs Convention, only I was just being myself, so I won’t get sued for impersonating anyone…unless I sue myself. Actually I should have Legal look into that.

A couple of things about the prank. First, if you are an employer of any of the “reporters” who interviewed Sal, thinking he was Kasay, you need to fire them right now. Don’t wait until tomorrow, just get them on the cell phone and do it right now.

Secondly, if you’re John Kasay, you need to lighten up.

That brings me to another media befuddling experience. Word out of Detroit (I cringed just writing that) is that Pudge Rodriguez will sign a four year, $40 million contract with the Tigers and that the deal has an option for a fifth year at $50 million. How much you want to bet Pudge gets traded to the Marlins in June for AJ Burnett? Just write that down and stick it away someplace.

Not there, Mr. Tadano, stick it somewhere else.

On Friday, if this deal actually happens–and isn’t just another bedtime story spun by our pal Scott Boras, Pudge will have to stand in front of reporters and explain why he’s so excited to play for the second worst baseball team of all time.

Look, I know that I opined last week that if you had to choose between the Tigers and Orioles, you choose the Tigers because the Orioles are stuck behind the Yankees and Red Sox in the AL East and won’t see the playoffs again until we’ve colonized Mars, while the Tigers just need to get to .500 to contend in the worst division in the world.

I reserve the right to mock Pudge anyway. So what I have is an actual transcript of tomorrow’s press conference in Detroit. OK, it’s not the actual transcript, but it’s what should be said.

DAVE DOMBROWSKI, Vice President and General Manager, Detroit Tigers
Thank you for coming here today. I know it’s always tough for writers to come to press conferences unless we feed you, so please enjoy the food that our owner, Mike Illitch has supplied. Hey, Mitch? Yeah, there’s some of that garlic butter sauce for that Crazy Bread over on the other table. You’re welcome.

Anyway, let’s get to business. We’re here today to announce that our pathetic attempt to trick the fans of the Tigers into thinking we’ve got a real team has worked! Just minutes ago, Ivan Rodriguez signed a contract to play the next four seasons, at least, in Detroit. This is a testament to the fact that money talks and bulls@#$ walks, indeed.

Pudge is a fine player and we were able to sign him because he’s on the wrong side of thirty, has problems with his spine that would make Steven Hawking laugh and wanted way too damn much money. He also enjoys kissing other men after games, and that’s…well, it’s weird.

Look, I’ll be honest with you guys, we suck. We’re so bad that we had to overpay has been retreads like Fernando Vina and Rondell White just to get them to come here. The addition of these guys plus Pudge means our lineup is going to be so fragile, we’re thinking of replacing the on deck circle with a whirlpool. It could get ugly.

But how can we charge $60 or $30 for tickets to come out and watch Brandon Inge strike out 187 times? So we bit the bullet and we brought in Rodgriguez. It’s going to be great. So what if our park is so big that he’d be lucky to hit a dozen homers? Nah. He’s gonna love it here. Plus, the cold temperatures in April and May will be great for his back! OK, let’s bring Pudge up here and let him tell you how incredibly screwed we all are.

IVAN “PUDGE” RODRIGUEZ
Thank you Mr. Dom…Mr. Domborewski…oh, screw it, thanks Dave! I want to say that I’m really happy to be a Detroit Tiger, but who am I kidding, I’m just happy to get paid. Hell, I’d have gone and played for a Taliban sotball team in Afghanistan if they paid me enough. I want to thank my agent, Scott Boras, who has taught me that the only things in life that matter aren’t family, friends and success…it’s just money! Hot damn, I’m rolling in the stuff! Who wants to watch me light this cigar with a 100 dollar bill? I’ll bet you do! Hey, you there in the front row, that hairpiece is so bad it’s not a toupee, it’s a three-pee!

Here, [throws wad of money at reporter] go buy yourself a good one, or at least go to a taxidermist and have them skin a racoon to put on your head or something.

I want to acknowledge my family. My wife is here along with our kids. My girlfriend is here, too. And in the back is one of the public relations interns here in Detroit and I just had sex with her in the elevator! Being rich is awesome! I love it.

OK, I can take your questions now.

SPORTSWRITER #1
Pudge, you just won a World Series in Florida, how are you going to handle losing in Detroit?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
I thought about that. I have a plan. Every time we lose I’m going to get in my Bentley, drive home and cry myself to sleep on a huge pile of cash.

SPORTSWRITER #2
You’ve had back problems in the past, how do you think it will hold up in the colder climate up here?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
Well, it held up pretty well in the elevator! Honestly, I’ve given that a lot of thought, and really, I think that any time the temperature is below 65 degrees, I’m just going on the disabled list. I’ve got DirecTV at my place in Miami, I’m sure I can stay in touch.

SPORTSWRITER #3
Can you name three of your new teammates?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
Seriously? I don’t know. Jose. See, I’ll bet there are three Joses on the 40 man roster. Look, I’ll put it to you this way, I’ve got so much money now, I’ll buy them all nametags.

SPORTSWRITER #4
Is there a no-trade clause in the contract, or do you expect that you’ll be moving on to a contender sometime during the season?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
I’m not going to get into contract specifics, but let’s just say that I intend to have Nike send me shoes in about six different colors to break in, just in case.

SPORTSWRITER #5
Do you intend to make your home in Detroit?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
The first thing I’m going to do is buy a condo near the ballpark with a stripper pole in every room. That sounds like home to me? How about you?

SPORTSWRITER #6
You developed a very good rapport with the young pitchers in Florida in a short time, do you expect you can do the same with the pitchers here?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
Ra-what? The only French word I’m thinking about right now is Cristal. Is that French?

TIGERS MEDIA RELATIONS DIRECTOR
OK, we have time for one more question for Mr. Rodriguez.

SPORTSWRITER #7
The Tigers lost 119 games last year, how many do you think they’ll lose this year?

PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
Look, I didn’t come here to lose. I came here to get paid and lose. So I could give a rat’s ass. Thanks everybody! See you at the bank!

The Bulls are so bad, even the Nuggets get well on them. The game turned on a sequence in the third quarter after the Bulls had cut the Denver lead to six. The Bulls missed a shot and Eddy Curry just missed a tip in, then on the other end Denver missed and Eddy had the rebound bounce out of his hands to Rodney White for an easy basket. The Bulls turned the ball over, the Nuggets missed a shot, Curry clanked it off his hands to White for a three pointer. Ouch.

The Bulls are getting some relief on their roster by settling with Jay Williams. Can’t they do the same with Eddie Robinson?

In Detroit, it’s not Dick Jauron’s defense, but he coaches that defense.

See, Pudge to Detroit.

To prove his point, Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write a boring column about how boring the Super Bowl is this year. Oh, shut up.

The Nuggets might be after Jamal Crawford this offseason. How about they take Eddie Robinson, too?

The Wizard of Roz liked “Miracle.”

Rick Majerus is going to give up coaching. I hope all that time off doesn’t mean he’ll get fat.

The Dolphins might be after Drew Henson. Just don’t throw him a curveball.

John Kerry’s forehead has apparently been no stranger to botulism. Hey, that’s what Botox is.

I want to play football at Colorado!

Only in Kentucky.

This is pretty good, apparently Nicole Kidman’s getting tired of all those Tom Cruise text messages he sends her. I hear Kaz Tadano’s tired of them too.

The world’s greatest newspaper says that Pammy’s breasts are about to be made a national landmark. Just like Wrigley Field! I’ll bet more people have been to Pammy’s breasts than Wrigley.