A tradition unlike any other. Dumb Cubs fans ask Carrie Muskat questions for her Cubs.com column, Hire Jim Essian makes fun of them, and then, Carrie sends me the ones so dumb they didn’t even make it in, in the first place.
There’s no time to waste (she just posted a new Muskbox today, and now we’re all behind!) So let’s dig in to three of the dumbest questions, ever.
Will Big Z pitch in the big leagues?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that by Big Z, the reader means Carlos Zambrano and not D’backs reliever Mike Zagurski, but either way, the answer would likely be, “Who gives a shit?”
I feel very qualified to answer this question, because I think I like Carlos Zambrano more than any other person who does not have direct access to the $18 million he made last year to suck for the Marlins. I think Zambrano got a bad rap in his last years with the Cubs, and for five years from 2004 to 2008, Carlos was the Cubs best pitcher and one of the best in the National League. I also think that even though he’ll only be 32 this year that he is washed up, and so I have absolutely not a care in the world about whether he pitches in Venezuela, Beloit, Puerta Vallarta or St. Louis. Actually, since his arm has fallen off, I’d love if it he pitched for the Cardinals, just so the Best Fans in Baseball would have to pretend to like him for a while before they waited for the team to dump him so they could use charming racial slurs about him and make horribly offensive gay jokes. It’s the Cardinals way, they do it about every player who dares to leave the team. And there are only three ways to leave the Cardinals.
a) You leave as a free agent, and they call you a “trader” and are pretty sure you are now a homosexual.
b) You are traded, and then they still call you a “trader” because they don’t understand the difference between a trade and free agency, but they are also convinced that whoever the team got in return for you is the greatest player ever, especially if he suffers from mongoloidism or is one of the Duncan brothers (wait, that’s redundant.)
c) Mike Shannon lets you run a tab at his bar and then you die. Every tab at Shannon’s comes with a commemorative shoulder patch.
Carlos wasn’t good in his final years with the Cubs, and the Cubs paid the Marlins to make him go away. If he couldn’t pitch for Ozzie Guillen he can’t pitch for anybody, and he couldn’t. He didn’t throw any cool tantrums, he didn’t beat up a catcher or take a bat to a Gatorade container of any kind, he just couldn’t throw strikes or get outs.
Given the state of pitching in baseball, Carlos will find a team and pitch in the big leagues in 2013. And he’ll be bad.
Do the Cubs plan to upgrade their road uniforms?
Finally, an important question about an important subject! I spend way too much time thinking about the Cubs uniforms. Especially this one:
The Cubs home uniforms are the best in the game. Better than those “so blue they might as well be black but they aren’t” Yankees ones, and certainly better than the Cardinals home ones with the birds shitting on a log. The only problem with the Cubs home uniforms is that they put the names back on them. Screw that. Your team doesn’t need to have their names on their backs when they are home. If the fans don’t know who the players are…it’s probably a good thing. They left them off for one year (2005) and they really looked nice. Then, the Cubs figured out that if you don’t put the names on them, the fans don’t need to pay for new ones if a good player replaces a disgraced one.
Drunken frat boys bought Farnsworth 44’s because they’re idiots, but now, if there were no names on them, they could wear them proudly again because Anthony Rizzo is 44. Can’t have that.
The Cubs road jerseys are dull, mostly because of the weird font they use for CHICAGO. It’s a mighty improvement over the cursive ones they wore in the late ’90s, that looked like they said CUBA instead of CUBS.
To me, the best road jerseys they’ve ever had were the ones from 1940-1942. They are immortalized in the Normal Rockwell painting The Dugout:
They also had a version with a vest and a zipper, which was weird. But I’d be for them mimicking the darker gray of these flannels and putting the red line under CHICAGO.
But really, I’d be happy if they took all of those dumb blue jerseys and set them on fire. I’d even let them give Tony Campana several seconds to try get out of his, first. I hate those pajama looking things. Especially when they wear them at home.
The Cubs have traditionally let the starting pitcher pick the jersey, and our old friend Greggie never picked the blue one. Just another reason to love that guy.
The Cubs should always wear the pinstripes at home.
They also should force Alfonso Soriano to wear those Marla Collins short shorts. A couple days of that and let’s see if he ever turns down another trade to the Giants.
Paul Lukas of UniBlog wrote a great post in 2008 about the Cubs uniforms through history and how much cool and unique stuff they’ve come up with over the years. It’s worth a read.
Can you get me a security job at Wrigley?
Yes, I can! First though, you’ll have to prove you can handle crowd control. Wrigley Field crowds these days can number in the quadruple digits. Think you could deal with this?
You also have to break up fights, deal with drunks and eject the particularly unruly ones. Take these two degenerates. Think you could throw their asses out onto Sheffield during the third inning?
And, you need to keep the groupies off the field when this guy is doing this standups. The screaming isn’t so bad, but when they start throwing their underwear it can get pretty dicey.
Can you handle that?
I didn’t think so. Tell you what, we’ll start you off selling bison dogs with these guys:
Anyway, go outside and stand by the mailbox. I’m sure your job offer will be there any day now.