Mondays are bad enough, but when you have to wake up and listen to Mike Murphy and Fred Huebner, it’s enough to make you want to dig a hole in the mattress and hide. This morning, they are all fired up over a rumor in Newsday that the Giants are going to make a run at Greg Maddux.

But it wasn’t just the rumor, it was the whole conversation about Maddux that made my ears bleed.

First of all, let’s look at the Heyman column, which appeared in yesterday’s Newsday.

Jon Heyman: Giants in Weeds on Maddux
February 8, 2004

The Cubs are perceived as leaders in the painfully slow race for Greg Maddux. But the Giants could emerge as a surprise alternative.

The Giants are famous for their stealthy ways, and they might wind up pulling off the surprise of the winter. Though they already are at their $78-million player budget, they have a history of making exceptions (see Barry Bonds, 1993) and smart decisions.

OK, if they’re so smart, why wouldn’t they go over their payroll to improve a lineup that includes succubusses like JT Snow, Neifi Perez, Jeffrey Hammonds, Marquis Grissom and Michael Tucker. This is also a team that signs a free agent every year just to lose their number one draft pick and save the cash. Yikes.

The Cubs, who have bid $12 million to $14 million for two years, are a nostalgic choice and definitely can’t be counted out. But the Giants hold several lures for Maddux, not the least of which is gigantic Pac Bell Park; the only lefthanded hitter who can consistently homer there already is a Giant (Bonds).

It’s true that it’s hard to homer to right field in Pac Bell (or SBC or whatever it is now), and that when Barry hit 73 homers, he hit more at home 36, than lefty hitters on all of the opposing teams total (34) that year.

But Wrigley is not the offense haven people think it is. The park factors for both parks (according to Total Baseball) for 2003 were 99. 100 is considered to be an average offensive park, anything over that number is an indicator that it’s an offensive park, anything under that number indicates it’s a pitcher’s park. So there.

Maddux has a relationship with Bonds because both are represented by Scott Boras, and he has a longtime association with Giants exec Ned Colletti, the Cubs’ PR man when Maddux came up. Maddux, a Las Vegas resident, also would love to be on the West Coast.

Whatever. Ned Colleti?

The Giants aren’t talking about their pursuit publicly. But they’d like to fortify their rotation with Jason Schmidt returning from elbow surgery, and they surely wouldn’t mind burning the rival Dodgers. Plus, it’s a bonus to get Maddux when he’s 11 wins from 300, a certainty in 2004 for a pitcher who has won at least 15 games in 16 straight seasons.

The Dodgers called Maddux, but new owner Frank McCourt has told lame- duck general manager Dan Evans that Evans can’t do a thing, according to a Dodgers source, and McCourt is spending his time looking for Evans’ replacement. Baseball people believe McCourt might be too highly leveraged to add a big-name free agent anyway.

The more likely move for L.A. is to trade lefthander Odalis Perez for needed slugger Frank Thomas, especially after Robin Ventura told his bosses that Thomas is the best hitter he’s ever had as a teammate. McCourt likes the Thomas idea but is waiting for his new GM’s approval before pulling the trigger there, too.

What? How, on one hand, can you discount the Dodgers because their in flux with their GM position and have no cash, but then claim that they can trade Odalis Perez ($3.4 million) for Frank Thomas ($14.7 million over two years)? If you’re “too highly leveraged” for Greg Maddux, you’re too highly leveraged for Frank Thomas.

The Cardinals and Orioles have interest in Maddux but remain longshots.

Boras is patient when he has a special player, and he’s been waiting for L.A. to get its act together. But pitchers start reporting in nine days. Boras was hoping to sell the Dodgers on their need for an ace after they traded another client, Kevin Brown, at his behest. He probably won’t have that chance now.

Basically, what Heyman is saying is that the Dodgers are out of it, the Cardinals can’t make a serious run salary wise and the Orioles are out because they’re in the wrong league, but suddenly, the Giants have emerged!

Why didn’t Scott Boras just write this column himself instead of calling Heyman to plant it.

I will give Murph credit for one thing, he asked Heyman point blank if a baseball source told him about this possibility. Heyman wouldn’t answer it as a yes. Here’s the reason. The guy who told him the Giants were in it…

Scott Boras.

Just make this go away.

However, Murph and Fred fail miserably on so many different fronts. Some guy called in and said that the Cubs are a bad fit for Maddux because their defense is so bad. Hey, you want to know what team led the NL in errors and unearned runs allowed last year? That’s right. The Braves. Yet, neither moron argued with the guy, they just bought into the idea that Rafael Furcal and Marcus Giles (butcher and hack) are better than Gonzalez and Gruddy. That was the specific example he gave. How can you be a Cubs fan (like Murph) and not know any of this stuff? How blind can you be?

Yesterday, Julie Sweica was ripping on Maddux because he’s a jerk. Why is he a jerk? Because John Smoltz and Tom Glavine have been nicer to her over the years. Oh, please.

If a guy posted these numbers at triple A Iowa last year, would you be fired up about the possibility of him being in the Cubs rotation this year?

Nine starts, 4-0, 1.95 ERA, 37 hits allowed, 50.3 innings, 47 K, 11 BB.

That’s pretty good.

You know who that was?


Some guy named Juan Cruz.

Pax says Eddy and Tyson aren’t “going anywhere.” Neither is the team. Oh, I kill me. But have you noticed that since Tyson came back off the injured list, Eddy Curry is back to being good again. Hmmm.

Groucho still wants to trade Eddy.

Rick Morrissey says he’s glad Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams are mad. Huh? How about the fact they’re both kind of dumb, too?

Suddenly, the Illini look like they’ll have a say in who wins the Big Ten. And, it still might be them.

More night games for the Cubs. Hey, I just hope they hide them on WCIU, so they can piss everybody off some more.

More simplistic pap from Phil Rogers.

Wait…even more.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and says ‘no’ to Maurice Clarett. Sure, why draft a guy in the second or third round who has first round talent? We should all pick a date as to when Mariotti writes his first “why didn’t the Bears draft Maurice Clarett?” column.

Mike Kiley’s sick of this Maddux crap, too.

Peter Gammons on the AL East.

Robb Nen should have got a second opinion. Ouch.

Bernie Miklasz clears up a misconception, the Cardinals players haven’t been asked to defer money, nor have they done it, they’ve just said they would if they were asked. What a pile of crap. But hey, they have Jeff Suppan!

Hey, look at all these bears!

I watched “Meet the Press” with our president yesterday. I voted for him in 2000. Man, he’s dumb, isn’t he?

Peggy Noonan makes some excuses for Gee Dub.

I’m not saying I like John Kerry. I don’t. You can’t believe a word he says about anything. Sigh. This is another fine mess we’re in again, isn’t it?

Looks like the Huskers’ recruiting class just increased by one.

America’s finest news source with the story of some people who can’t wait to tell their coworker that he’s going to get fired.