This one's for you, Al!

Several times per week (hell, twice a day, sometimes) baseball dumbass Phil Rogers writes mind-numbingly dumb things that he deserves to be ridiculed for.  So just how dumb must something he writes be, to have him be completely self-aware about how dumb it is?

Let’s see.

Go ahead. Get the tar and feathers.

If you’re cooking something, I’m not eating it.

Or I’ll stack the wood and bring the matches.

Oh, it’s a barbecue?  Well, maybe.

Not being a Chicagoan by birth, I know I should just stay away from your sentimentality.

As damn well you should, the only truly sentimental humans in the universe are those born in Chicago.  I’d get weepy just thinking about it, but I’m not allowed.  And neither should you be, you charlatan!

If you think ketchup on a hot dog is an act of subversion, so be it. I’m not going to try to change your mind (although ketchup is a tasty condiment, even on hot dogs).

That’s the dumbest thing ever.  Phil, you win, we can now close the interwebs.  Ketchup is mostly tomato, right?  They put real fucking tomato right on the fucking hot dog!  Why not also just puree the shit out of another hot dog and then put it on the hot dog, too?

But I’m weird in a way that’s really not that weird.

Don’t sell yourself short, you are incredibly weird.  I mean, hardly anybody else needs to eat baby food to orgasm.

I like scoreboards that, you know, actually tell you the score of the game.

Well, you know, the scoreboard that you’re writing about, you know, ACTUALLY DOES.  It just requires a little math.  Usually not that much math to calculate the home team score, though.

When something in my house is outdated, I generally replace it.

See gang, Phil Rogers is a man of the 21st century.  He drives a Tesla, eats all of his non-hotdog meals in pill form, and his scoreboards add themselves up!  He also doesn’t read newspapers, because they are completely outdated.  Apparently, so is a comb.

Bwahahahahaha!

If the Cubs wanted to do that with the 76-year-old center-field scoreboard — yes, the iconic scoreboard — here’s what I would say: What took you so long?

And…”What’s the score?”

I am not surprised in the least that there has been talk about that scoreboard this week. A couple of weeks after President Theo Epstein was hired, here’s a quote I used from an unnamed general manager about the changes coming for the organization.

Phil vigorously protects his scoreboard sources.  GMs make the best scoreboard sources, because they look at them all the time, not having to do any math, either!

“I wouldn’t look for that old scoreboard to be sitting on top of the center-field bleachers for many more years,” he said. “There’s $20 million (per year) sitting up there if they put a giant Jumbotron up. I know people are attached to tradition, to that scoreboard, but is taking it down any bigger change than putting seats on top of the Green Monster?

“People in Boston went nuts when they were talking about closing off Yawkey Way. But now it’s a part of Fenway Park. Everybody enjoys it and the Red Sox make so much money from those things. It helps the team compete.”

That’s a great point.  I mean, no way you can advertise on the existing scoreboard, is there?

No ads here.

scoreboard-culvers

scoreboard-pepsi

Oh, did he say $20 million per year? I believe he did.

Yes, that number he pulled completely out of his ass was, you said, $20 million.

You know what $20 million a year will buy you in the free-agent market? Maybe Robinson Cano after 2013. Maybe Justin Verlander after 2014. Or maybe Epstein finds a way to trade for David Price, who seems likely to hit free agency after ’15.

Don’t take that number pulled out of a GMs ass and wipe it all over actual players.  The scoreboard is not holding down revenue.  The idea is to keep the scoreboard and its current revenue, and add a big-assed video screen with more revenue.  Why would this be an either or?

You tell me: What would you rather have, a team that honors its architecture or a contender that is in position to grab top free agents when they come onto the market?

Or, you know, both.  Because there’s no reason to tear down the scoreboard, unless you don’t want to block any of the rooftops with a video screen, and, you know, fuck them.

Most Cub fans want both, of course, and ideally they could have it.

Nothing ideal about it.  It can, and will, just happen.  The only thing you’re “honoring” by replacing the scoreboard is honoring the sightlines of the assholes on the rooftops.  Did I mention, fuck them?

But to bring Wrigley into the modern era, both as a place to watch baseball and a facility that captures the available revenue streams, you’re going to have to make some compromises.

Absolutely.  But not on this.  No need.

I don’t believe the center-field scoreboard will become a major issue. Chairman Tom Ricketts and Epstein value it as highly as the traditionalists in their fan base do, despite the reports that Chicago Ald. Tom Tunney and the Cubs have discussed replacing it with a video board.

Tom Tunney discussed it, not the Cubs.  They tried to keep from laughing at him.  I hope they didn’t look at his ears, though.

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The team believes it can accomplish its video boards needs with a screen located at the back of the left-field bleachers, and hopes it can find a way to get approval for one before the team’s April 1 deadline.

The team’s self-imposed, April Fool’s deadline.  Best possible deadline for anything Cub.

Landmark status would make it really tough to change the scoreboard, if the team wanted to.

I wondered if you were going to get to that.  Maybe you have some advice about how they could address the fact it’s protected?

But if it was up to me, major changes to the center-field scoreboard would be in play.

Just leave it up to you?  Why, that seems like a good idea.  Go on.

I would find out if there’s a way to keep the exterior of the monster intact and replace the guts with the digital works for a giant replay screen and modern scoreboard.

Sigh.  Let’s keep the back!  Oh, that’ll solve everything.

If it is too delicate for such a reconstruction, I would build a replica that keeps the exact same dimensions and exterior that houses a video board.

Why would it be too delicate?  You don’t think a wooden rectangle designed before World War II could hold up a billion pound TV?

As for the old board, it would look great at Doubleday Field in Cooperstown or some other acreage belonging to the Hall of Fame.

Sure, put it on that half-assed field that nobody ever goes to. That’ll be neat.  Especially since the Cubs were pretty instrumental in the death of the Hall of Fame game itself, the one time that park could actually draw a crowd.  Hey, have our old scoreboard!  We tore it up and left in a heap for you, but I’m sure you can ship it 771 miles then start nailing and glueing!

We should honor history, always. We shouldn’t be bound by it.

Great words, by a great man.  We should honor history, always, except when we don’t want to.