There’s nothing quite like a good idea run amuck is there? I didn’t think so. After much deliberation and input, our crack committee has assembled not only the field of 65 for the 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament, but we had enough Assclowns left over for an NIT version.
Karry Ling is still upset that he didn’t get a mention, but he’ll get over it.
So let’s start off with the near-misses, the 16-team NIT edition of the 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament.
2004 Desipio NIT Assclown Tournament Pairings
1) Lloyd Carr – Michigan football coach/whiny jackass
16) Don Henley – Overrated Eagle/phony envrionmentalist
8) Dick Vitale – Nice, but bloviating basketball “analyst”
9) Ed O’Bradovich – bitter, old, redass
5) The French – most reprensible race of people on the Earth
12) Ed Farmer – ambiguously gay, monotone Sox broadcaster
4) Jim Nantz – horrific at basketball play-by-play/most elaborate combover on the planet
12) Dangerous Dan McNeil – a danger only to people with taste in radio
6) Tom Tolbert – bald, sometimes funny
11) Peter Francis Geraci – would push his mother under a bus for a dollar
3) John Shoop – my seven-year-old nephew could put together a more coherent offensive gameplan
14) Brenda Warner – parents killed by tornado–hilarious!
7) Glen Kozlowski – terrible football player, even worse announcer, lousy high school football coach
10) Chris Berman – would have been seeded higher but I was afraid he’d take it as a compliment — hasn’t worn a suit that fits in 15 years or told a joke that was funny in 20
2) Dave Kaplan – insecure weasel/radio loudmouth
15) Chris Rose – talent and he never in the same room
Wow, that’s quite a field, huh? We’ll be lucky if we can get the Trio network to televise this crap.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!
The 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament pairings!
Just like the NCAAs we’re going to confuse you by not referring to the brackets as geographic regions, but rather by the towns in which the regional finals will be held. All four are towns that Chicagoans have come to loathe.
First off, the number one seeds. In the St. Louis regional, we have our number one overall seed. The man with the potential to be the biggest Assclown in the history of the world.
Chip Caray – Cubs announcer/lucky sperm club president
As the number one overall seed, Chip will get the winner of our play-in game between the 64 and 65 seeds.
The number one seed in the Green Bay bracket is:
Hub Arkush – McCaskey family succubus/football “writer”/Bears “analyst” Honestly, is there a more reprehensible human than Hub? I didn’t think so.
The number one seed in the New York bracket is:
The Anti Christ himself! Joe Morgan – Hall of Fame Assclown/second baseman/egomaniac/technophobe
The man who used to have to phone in (literally) his columns to a Web site I used to write for, is one of the most evil little men in the world.
And the final number one seed, at home in the Kabul bracket:
Doughnuts Mariotti! — Jay Mariotti – talentless triple-threat/hack of a sportswriter/ drooling, fat TV commentator/ disturbingly loud radio jerkoff
It’s going to be tough for anybody to topple this field, but we’ve got some pretty stiff competition. Let’s start with the St. Louis bracket and work our way through.
ST. LOUIS Region
1) Chip Caray
16) Winner of the George Steinbrenner/Bud Selig play-in game.
Steinbrenner – billionaire ship magnate/convicted felon
Selig – interim commissioner of baseball for life/used car salesman
8) Steven A. Smith – ESPN loudmouth/Philly sportswriter/angry black man
9) Bruce Pearl – UW-Milwaukee hoops coach/scumbag former Iowa assistant/federal wire tapping law violator
5) Jim Tocco – minor league baseball announcer/superscout talent evaluator
12) Wayne Larrivee – cheesehead expatriate Bears announcer
4) Matt Morris – mouth breathing, ragarm Cardinals “ace”
13) Joe Carter – monosyllabic former Cubs player and announcer
6) Steve Kline – dirty, overrated lefty who wants to kill Mark Prior
11) Jack McKeon – won World Series and can’t remember it
3) Gary Barnett – pillar of virtue–hee hee
14) Jim Rome – Rack him! He’s out! And he’s, terrible!
7) Brent Musberger – “You’re looking live at the shell of a man who used to be good and now is just horrendously annoying!”
10) Craig Biggio – overrated Astro/bigamist married to Mrs. Biggio and Mr. Caray
2) Stuart Scott – most heinous crime ever committed upon the nation’s sports airwaves
15) Hue Hollins – game-fixing NBA ref
GREEN BAY Region
1) Hub Arkush
16) Todd “Hollywood” Hundley – drunken, open shirted salary thief
8) Julie Swieca – talentless Amazon with face for radio
9) Scott Boras – blood sucking leech/agent
5) Steve Alford – rapist enabler/overrated basketball coach with creepy hair
12) Peter King – uses his weekly on-line column to keep us informed about a bunch of field hockey playing New Jersey dikes
4) Clettitte – strange gay love machine consisting of Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens
13) Terrell Owens – loudmouth jackass
6) Mike North – hot dog vendor turned self-aggrandizing gasbag
11) Rob Goldman – Argued that he didn’t know Swieca was an eight seed he thought she was an 18
3) Tony “The Genius” LaRussa – please, have your dogs, cats and managers spayed and neutered
14) Bob Fick – creepy, cheapshotting utilityman
7) Bill Walton – a seven seed? That’s terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrribullllllllllllllllllllllll!
10) Josh Lewin – lisping former Cubs announcer
2) Al Hrabosky – one note jackass who’s schtick wasn’t funny nine seconds after he came up with it
15) Mitch Lawrence – columns consist of stuff he heard Peter Vecsey tell the lady at the massage parlor
NEW YORK Region
1) The Anti Christ
16) Dan Snyder – baby billionaire/Redskins owner
8) Skip Bayless – talentless hack who yells on TV when given the chance
9) Kenny Williams – clueless GM with phony white man voice
5) Isiah Thomas – dirtiest player in NBA history, lousy coach, owner and now GM
12) Brian Baldinger – well meaning, but clueless NFL analyst
4) Mike Murphy – femme voiced/human fire alarm
13) Max Kellerman – yelling for no apparent reason
6) Flannel Boy Rob Neyer – never good, his columns are now unreadble, he did write the most unintentionally hilarious book of all-time, though
11) William Ligue, Jr. – will have Neyer for lunch in less than seven seconds
3) Jim Edmonds – collie molesting/posing/overrated asshat
14) Charley Steiner – creepily bearded and all-around strange man
7) Bob Knight – complete douchebag
10) This guy
2) Billy Packer – power conference-head coach loving ball of smarm
15) Joe Lunardi – creepy bracket guy at ESPN.com/has a full head of hair AND a combover–huh?
And finally…
KABUL Region
1) Jay Mariotti
16) Ryan Seacrest – talentless hairdo
8) Harold Reynolds – completely clueless Baseball Tonight set paperweight
9) Tim McCarver – “An assclown is a clown and an ass!” Tightly wrap this, Tim…
5) Joe Buck – once good, now cloying lucky sperm club member/lead Fox announcer
12) Rick Sutcliffe – Captain Obvious
4) Phil Rogers – simplistic, boring, talentless national baseball writer
13) Darrin Jackson – quiet, boring, bad
6) Thom Brennaman – the extra h is for horrible
11) Jerry Krause – Individuals are Asshats, not organizations
3) Steve Bartman – exiled poster boy for hapless dumbasses around the world
14) Jerry Angelo – perpetually confused architect of the laughingstock Bears
7) Hawk Harrelson – Put him on the board…and throw it in the ocean! Yes!
10) Michael Bolton – ’80s plagurizing pop dumbass/original no-talent assclown
2) Dave Wannstedt – Wanny set back Bears’ football about 4,021 years
15) Greg Blache – “Assclowns are like your brother in law, they lie.”
So there you have it. The most competitive Assclown field of all time.
I shudder to think what kind of damage they’ll be able to do.
Stay tuned.
Wow.
That was brilliant.
If you don’t believe I’m a bigger assclown than Wayne Larrivee, then just check with my references.
http://www.callofthegame.com/jimtocco/references.htm
I think Megan Frazer (see Tocco link) gave me a lapdance at the Charleston "Alley Cats"!
When do we get to do the Assclown draft?
You see why I’m a former GM? I hired Tocco. I guess they don’t tolerate poor personnel decisions.
Dick, It’s time we talk about snubs, and I think the first guy snubbed from the NIT and the NCAA Assclown Tournament was me!
We at Yahoo! Sports will make sure that the Assclown Draft rankings will be as backwards as the fantasy baseball rankings.
We need to figure out some way to vote on these on the website.
Or at least post our votes in the comments.
What? What? How’d I get snubbed?
Ye-ahhhh!!!
I must say these are some excellent pairings. Better than the slip-slop job the NCAA did on Sunday. They must have been hungover from the nightlife in Indianapolis on Saturday Night. Oh, wait, there isn’t any nightlife in Indianapolis. They must have just gone to Ashmore or something then…
Antonio Alfonseca should have been included somewhere. I still scream in my sleep occasionally, screaming at Dusty not to put "Alf" in the game. OK, maybe I don’t do that, but that’s how I feel about it. "Alf" single-handedly and six-fingerly made our bullpen suck for multiple seasons, while at least Cubs management were able to figure out how much Dave Veres and Mark Guthries sucked for only one season.
Also, one last thing, who was the ESPN announcer who wrote the nasty e-mail to Andy after the Division Series, where Andy said his crew wasn’t "ready for primetime" or something like that? He probably should have been on this list as well.
That’s Asstastic!
Screw you Digger, I’m the biggest snub on the list. I’m no less than a 5th seed.
That was me. I am ready for primetime! I’ll be doing NIT hoops on ESPN this week!
Digger, you count as an entry with me. Your lips are so firmly affixed to my ass, I can’t sit down.
Can’t believe we weren’t 1-seeds
I thought that our station (conference) deserved at least six bids in the tournament and we only got three (North, Murphy & Sweica)…We at the Score feel that Boers, Bernstein and Hood have all of the qualifications that the selection committee was looking for and should have been included in the field of 64 as well.
Between Iverson, Roenick, Bowa, Owens and Stephen A. Smith, we would like to put in a bid to host the Final Four of the Assclown Tournament.
We’re upset too! McNeil was deserving of a birth in the big tourney, not the NIT! We scored a number one seed with Mariotti though.
ST. LOUIS Region
1) Chip Caray
8) Steven A. Smith
5) Jim Tocco
4) Matt Morris
11) Jack McKeon
14) Jim Rome
7) Brent Musberger
2) Stuart Scott
GREEN BAY Region
1) Hub Arkush
8) Julie Swieca
12) Peter King
4) Clettitte
6) Mike North
3) Tony "The Genius" LaRussa
7) Bill Walton
2) Al Hrabosky
NEW YORK Region
1) The Anti Christ
9) Kenny Williams
5) Isiah Thomas
13) Max Kellerman
11) William Ligue, Jr.
3) Jim Edmonds
10) Moran guy
2) Billy Packer
KABUL Region
1) Jay Mariotti
9) Tim McCarver
5) Joe Buck
4) Phil Rogers
6) Thom Brennaman
3) Steve Bartman
7) Hawk Harrelson
2) Dave Wannstedt
NIT
1) Lloyd Carr
9) Ed O’Bradovich
5) The French
4) Jim Nantz
11) Peter Francis Geraci
14) Brenda Warner
10) Chris Berman
2) Dave Kaplan
Harold Reynolds should win his first rounder. This morning on Sportscenter, he broke down the Braves this way "the Braves have lost a lot of offense from last year, and to tell the truth, last year their offense was pretty anemic." Uh, the 2nd best offense in MLB is anemic? Or does Harold just not know what that word means?
Anybody who thinks that I’m an assclown is obviously not one of MY GUYS!!!
Tough room…Terrel Owens is ONLY a 13th seed…THAT’s a lot of AssClowns.
One word of warning..Peter King’s dikey field hockey players are his daughters, so that’s hitting a little close to home. Wonder if they share his fondness for hi-caloric sugary drinks, if ya know what I’m sayin’?
I-L-L…
I-N-I to finish Sloth’s thought…
Anyway, you got to love Jerry Angelo as the sleeper for a big run into the Sweet 16 or Elite 8. Because if someone gets in the way he can give them a big pile of "crap" and move on.
There’s no way Mariotti loses the Kabul Bracket however. No way.
how can the Selection COmmittee possibly overlook Don Fehr?? He had a great assclown season against a tough schedule.
All these guys with combovers and you didn’t consider MY rug? Come on, I’m jacked! I’d be in it for the long haul!
Although I’m just a foot, I can still be an assclown, right? Afterall, it was my foot that set into motion the coaching domino that got Roy (another assclown) to UNC and Bill to Kansas and caused Moran-otti to think Tom Crean was Illinois’ first choice.
Think about it. If I hadn’t broken, Sean would have played well, UNC would have won and Dougherty wouldn’t have been canned. Roy wouldn’t have left KU and Bill would be at Illinois where Charlie V would be starting and Shaun Livingston would be committed.
So the experience of death is turned into that of the exchange of functionaries, and anything in the natural relationship to death that is not wholly absorbed into the social one is turned over to hygiene. In being seen as no more than the exit of a living creature from the social combine, death has been domesticated… by texas hold’em