There’s nothing quite like a good idea run amuck is there? I didn’t think so. After much deliberation and input, our crack committee has assembled not only the field of 65 for the 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament, but we had enough Assclowns left over for an NIT version.

Karry Ling is still upset that he didn’t get a mention, but he’ll get over it.

So let’s start off with the near-misses, the 16-team NIT edition of the 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament.

2004 Desipio NIT Assclown Tournament Pairings

1) Lloyd Carr – Michigan football coach/whiny jackass
16) Don Henley – Overrated Eagle/phony envrionmentalist

8) Dick Vitale – Nice, but bloviating basketball “analyst”
9) Ed O’Bradovich – bitter, old, redass

5) The French – most reprensible race of people on the Earth
12) Ed Farmer – ambiguously gay, monotone Sox broadcaster

4) Jim Nantz – horrific at basketball play-by-play/most elaborate combover on the planet
12) Dangerous Dan McNeil – a danger only to people with taste in radio

6) Tom Tolbert – bald, sometimes funny
11) Peter Francis Geraci – would push his mother under a bus for a dollar

3) John Shoop – my seven-year-old nephew could put together a more coherent offensive gameplan
14) Brenda Warner – parents killed by tornado–hilarious!

7) Glen Kozlowski – terrible football player, even worse announcer, lousy high school football coach
10) Chris Berman – would have been seeded higher but I was afraid he’d take it as a compliment — hasn’t worn a suit that fits in 15 years or told a joke that was funny in 20

2) Dave Kaplan – insecure weasel/radio loudmouth
15) Chris Rose – talent and he never in the same room

Wow, that’s quite a field, huh? We’ll be lucky if we can get the Trio network to televise this crap.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

The 2004 Desipio Assclown Tournament pairings!

Just like the NCAAs we’re going to confuse you by not referring to the brackets as geographic regions, but rather by the towns in which the regional finals will be held. All four are towns that Chicagoans have come to loathe.

First off, the number one seeds. In the St. Louis regional, we have our number one overall seed. The man with the potential to be the biggest Assclown in the history of the world.

Chip Caray – Cubs announcer/lucky sperm club president

As the number one overall seed, Chip will get the winner of our play-in game between the 64 and 65 seeds.

The number one seed in the Green Bay bracket is:

Hub Arkush – McCaskey family succubus/football “writer”/Bears “analyst” Honestly, is there a more reprehensible human than Hub? I didn’t think so.

The number one seed in the New York bracket is:

The Anti Christ himself! Joe Morgan – Hall of Fame Assclown/second baseman/egomaniac/technophobe

The man who used to have to phone in (literally) his columns to a Web site I used to write for, is one of the most evil little men in the world.

And the final number one seed, at home in the Kabul bracket:

Doughnuts Mariotti! — Jay Mariotti – talentless triple-threat/hack of a sportswriter/ drooling, fat TV commentator/ disturbingly loud radio jerkoff

It’s going to be tough for anybody to topple this field, but we’ve got some pretty stiff competition. Let’s start with the St. Louis bracket and work our way through.

ST. LOUIS Region

1) Chip Caray
16) Winner of the George Steinbrenner/Bud Selig play-in game.
Steinbrenner – billionaire ship magnate/convicted felon
Selig – interim commissioner of baseball for life/used car salesman

8) Steven A. Smith – ESPN loudmouth/Philly sportswriter/angry black man
9) Bruce Pearl – UW-Milwaukee hoops coach/scumbag former Iowa assistant/federal wire tapping law violator

5) Jim Tocco – minor league baseball announcer/superscout talent evaluator
12) Wayne Larrivee – cheesehead expatriate Bears announcer

4) Matt Morris – mouth breathing, ragarm Cardinals “ace”
13) Joe Carter – monosyllabic former Cubs player and announcer

6) Steve Kline – dirty, overrated lefty who wants to kill Mark Prior
11) Jack McKeon – won World Series and can’t remember it

3) Gary Barnett – pillar of virtue–hee hee
14) Jim Rome – Rack him! He’s out! And he’s, terrible!

7) Brent Musberger – “You’re looking live at the shell of a man who used to be good and now is just horrendously annoying!”
10) Craig Biggio – overrated Astro/bigamist married to Mrs. Biggio and Mr. Caray

2) Stuart Scott – most heinous crime ever committed upon the nation’s sports airwaves
15) Hue Hollins – game-fixing NBA ref

GREEN BAY Region

1) Hub Arkush
16) Todd “Hollywood” Hundley – drunken, open shirted salary thief

8) Julie Swieca – talentless Amazon with face for radio
9) Scott Boras – blood sucking leech/agent

5) Steve Alford – rapist enabler/overrated basketball coach with creepy hair
12) Peter King – uses his weekly on-line column to keep us informed about a bunch of field hockey playing New Jersey dikes

4) Clettitte – strange gay love machine consisting of Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens
13) Terrell Owens – loudmouth jackass

6) Mike North – hot dog vendor turned self-aggrandizing gasbag
11) Rob Goldman – Argued that he didn’t know Swieca was an eight seed he thought she was an 18

3) Tony “The Genius” LaRussa – please, have your dogs, cats and managers spayed and neutered
14) Bob Fick – creepy, cheapshotting utilityman

7) Bill Walton – a seven seed? That’s terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrribullllllllllllllllllllllll!
10) Josh Lewin – lisping former Cubs announcer

2) Al Hrabosky – one note jackass who’s schtick wasn’t funny nine seconds after he came up with it
15) Mitch Lawrence – columns consist of stuff he heard Peter Vecsey tell the lady at the massage parlor

NEW YORK Region

1) The Anti Christ
16) Dan Snyder – baby billionaire/Redskins owner

8) Skip Bayless – talentless hack who yells on TV when given the chance
9) Kenny Williams – clueless GM with phony white man voice

5) Isiah Thomas – dirtiest player in NBA history, lousy coach, owner and now GM
12) Brian Baldinger – well meaning, but clueless NFL analyst

4) Mike Murphy – femme voiced/human fire alarm
13) Max Kellerman – yelling for no apparent reason

6) Flannel Boy Rob Neyer – never good, his columns are now unreadble, he did write the most unintentionally hilarious book of all-time, though
11) William Ligue, Jr. – will have Neyer for lunch in less than seven seconds

3) Jim Edmonds – collie molesting/posing/overrated asshat
14) Charley Steiner – creepily bearded and all-around strange man

7) Bob Knight – complete douchebag
10) This guy

2) Billy Packer – power conference-head coach loving ball of smarm
15) Joe Lunardi – creepy bracket guy at ESPN.com/has a full head of hair AND a combover–huh?

And finally…

KABUL Region

1) Jay Mariotti
16) Ryan Seacrest – talentless hairdo

8) Harold Reynolds – completely clueless Baseball Tonight set paperweight
9) Tim McCarver – “An assclown is a clown and an ass!” Tightly wrap this, Tim…

5) Joe Buck – once good, now cloying lucky sperm club member/lead Fox announcer
12) Rick Sutcliffe – Captain Obvious

4) Phil Rogers – simplistic, boring, talentless national baseball writer
13) Darrin Jackson – quiet, boring, bad

6) Thom Brennaman – the extra h is for horrible
11) Jerry Krause – Individuals are Asshats, not organizations

3) Steve Bartman – exiled poster boy for hapless dumbasses around the world
14) Jerry Angelo – perpetually confused architect of the laughingstock Bears

7) Hawk Harrelson – Put him on the board…and throw it in the ocean! Yes!
10) Michael Bolton – ’80s plagurizing pop dumbass/original no-talent assclown

2) Dave Wannstedt – Wanny set back Bears’ football about 4,021 years
15) Greg Blache – “Assclowns are like your brother in law, they lie.”

So there you have it. The most competitive Assclown field of all time.

I shudder to think what kind of damage they’ll be able to do.

Stay tuned.