Because I know that you turn to Desipio for the most in-depth coverage of…everything, I thought I’d be a nice guy and share my entry in the Desipio Tourney Challenge with you. Every pick for every game.

Of course, I waited until the games started today to post this, because I didn’t want one of you jokers parroting my picks…

…and finishing dead last with me.

So let’s get to it.

We’ll start in the St. Louis Bracket. The teams in this bracket qualified for it by having most of their teeth pulled, taking off their shoes and wheeling the propane heater into the “TV room” section of the trailer.

1) Kentucky v. 16) Florida A&M
Kentucky might be the shakiest consensus number one seed…ever. I didn’t like them when Keith Bogans and his enormous teeth were running the show last year, and without him, I like them even less. But Florida A&M had to win the play-in game in Dayton just to get here.
Kentucky

8) Washington v. 9) Alabama-Birmingham
The Huskies were the only team to beat Stanford during the regular season, and I can’t pick UAB because of that ESPN The Magazine story I read last year about how their football team used to gang-bang a retarded co-ed. Plus, Rick Neuheisel called to tell me to take the chalk and the Huskies.
Washington

5) Providence v. 11) Pacific
Remember the old Robert Conrad movie where he went back to college at like 40 and played football for Pacific? Yeah, neither do I, but I can’t pick a team that shares a name with an ocean. Plus, Providence beat both Illinois and Notre Dame this year.
Providence

4) Kansas v. 13) Illinois-Chicago
The guys on the score would have you believe that UIC has a chance. These are the same guys who didn’t even remember they had a basketball team until last Thursday. I love UIC’s backcourt, but everybody else sucks. Kansas, and Bill Self’s hairpiece rolls into round two.
Kansas

6) Boston College v. 11) Utah
Utah’s in the tournament? Really? I couldn’t name one player on BC’s roster, and I know that their coach, Al Skinner has teeth that make him look a bass. But I’m going with the Fighting Jesuits, anyway.
Boston College

3) Georgia Tech v. 14) Northern Iowa
UNI plays their home games in a weird dome dug into the ground in Cedar Falls, Iowa. It’s actually a pretty cool stadium for both football and basketball. Last I checked though, Kurt Warner isn’t suiting up for the Panthers, and neither is Bryce Paup. I like Georgia Tech because the Muhammed guy can really jump.
Georgia Tech

7) Michigan State v. 10) Nevada
The trendy pick here is Nevada, because Michigan State’s had a rough year and because the Big Ten sucked. But Nevada? Oh, puh-leeze. MSU is not a great team this year, but Tom Izzo will get a first round win, even if it means he has to physically assault every one of his players to do it. Huh?
Michigan State

2) Gonzaga v. 15) Valparaiso
My buddy Wheels’ sister went to Valpo–she played softball there and still managed to escape without contracting Lesbianism–and all I remember is that I once urinated in the sink in her dorm room. Despite those amber-colored memories, I’m going with the Zags to beat the ‘Saders.
Gonzaga

ROUND TWO – St. Louis

Kentucky v. Washington
This is where the trendy Washington pick kicks in, right? After all, didn’t I just say that Kentucky has a horribly shaky hold on a number one seed? Yeah, I did. But if the Big Ten was bad, the PAC-10 was anemic.
Kentucky

Providence v. Kansas
I didn’t like Kansas when Roy Williams was there, and though I still like Bill Self, I can’t warm to the Jayhawks now, either. But Providence didn’t exactly peak down the stretch, and even though Self’s personal tournament trend would show a loss here, I’m going with the Chalk. The Rock Chalk, that is.
Kansas

Boston College v. Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech won at Duke this year, and Jake insists that’s a tough thing to do. So who am I to argue?
Georgia Tech

Michigan State v. Gonzaga
People don’t seem to realize just how freakin’ good Gonzaga is. They’ll take this no-shooting bunch from East Lansing and run their little hineys right out of the gym. It’ll be fun to watch.
Gonzaga

THIRD ROUND — St. Louis
Kentucky v. Kansas
Two storied programs, blah, blah, blah, great tradition, blah, blah, blah. Neither of these teams can shoot from more than six feet away from the basket, but I just don’t see the Hinrich-less Kansans pulling this one out.
Kentucky

Georgia Tech v. Gonzaga
I think back in November we all knew that we’d see a Georgia Tech-Gonzaga Sweet Sixteen matchup, didn’t we? Sure we did. You think of Gonzaga as being small and scrappy, but they’re not, they’re big and scrappy. Big enough.
Gonzaga

REGIONAL FINAL — St. Louis
Kentucky v. Gonzaga
Ashley Judd is hot, she’s much hotter than Gonzaga’s most famous alum–no, not John Stockton–Bing Crosby. So what does that have to do with whether or not the ‘Zags can go to the Final Four? Not a damn thing. But they can.
And they will.
Gonzaga

East Rutherford Bracket
1) St. Joe’s v. 16) Liberty
Jerry Fallwell built Liberty to go along with his amusement park. He won’t be amused when the Fightin’ Joes shoot the lights out in round one.
St. Joseph’s

8) Texas Tech v. 9) Charlotte
I don’t like Bobby Knight. But I don’t like Charlotte coach Bobby Lutz’s bad haircut/mustache combo. So what’s a guy to do? Take the team with the best player…Tech.
Texas Tech

5) Florida v. 12) Manhattan
What the hell is a Jasper? Whatever it is, it has to be better than the way the Gators played in their last two routs against Kentucky. Besides, aren’t the Gators just a little too…white?
Manhattan

4) Wake Forest v. 13) Virginia Commonwealth
VCU’s coach is younger than I am. Screw that.
Wake Forest

6) Wisconsin v. 11) Richmond
The Baders have a de facto home game in Milwaukee and the Richmond Spiders don’t have Dick Tarrant and his bad perm around anymore. I don’t see much of a shot here.
Wisconsin

3) Pitt v. 14) Central Florida
Nobody got screwed harder by the selection committee than Pitt did. Not only did they lose a one seed with a close loss in the Big East title game, they lost a two seed, too? And, now they have to play in Cheeseland with a second round matchup with the Badgers? Ouch. Is Dante Culpepper playing for the Golden Knights?
Pittsburgh

7) Memphis v. 10) South Carolina
I didn’t see South Carolina play this year…not even for a second…but I’m picking them because John Calipari is a complete scumbag. How’s that for reasoning?
South Carolina

2) Oklahoma State v. 15) Eastern Washington
Eastern who? What? Where? Why bother?
Oklahoma State

SECOND ROUND — East Rutherford

St. Joe’s v. Texas Tech
Conventional wisdom is that St. Joe’s will get beaten up by the rugged Red Raiders. Conventional wisdom can lick my shoe. Bobby Knight doesn’t recruit the kind of athletes he needs to make long tourney runs. That won’t change here as Jameer Nelson can run rings around Tech.
St. Joseph’s

Manhattan v. Wake Forest
It’d be a nice story if the Jaspers hung around for another week and punched a ticket to the Sweet Sixteen. It’d be really nice. But it’s not going to happen.
Wake Forest

Wisconsin v. Pittsburgh
You have no idea how much I want to pick Pitt, here. They have a veteran club, they play well on the road…but not only are the Badgers playing at “home”, the Badgers are good. Wisconsin wins this one…comfortably.
Wisconsin

South Carolina v. Oklahoma State
Since I only picked the Gamecocks because I was picking against John Calipari, the ride ends here. Go Pokes!
Oklahoma State

THIRD ROUND — East Rutherford

St. Joe’s v. Wake Forest
Wake’s pretty flawed. They don’t play great defense, their best player had a lousy season and they have a freshman point guard. St. Joe’s had a perfect regular season, they can score quickly and they’re fun to watch. But Wake’s going to win.
Wake Forest

Wisconsin v. Oklahoma State
Eddie Sutton is 1,004 years old and he hasn’t recruited a decent point guard in a decade. But one landed in his lap this year when John Lucas, Jr. transferred in from Baylor (where guys were dying to get out…yuk, yuk, yuk). It’s going to take Eddie a long way.
Oklahoma State

REGIONAL FINALS — East Rutherford

Wake Forest v. Oklahoma State
Every year I have one team in my bracket going waaaay to far. Sometimes it works out (like the Scoonie Penn–Michael Redd Buckeyes a few years ago), most of the time it doesn’t. Wake seems to be that team. The ride ends here.
Oklahoma State

Atlanta Region
1) Duke v. 16) Alabama State
What town is Alabama State in? Oh, who cares?
Duke

8) Seton Hall v. 9) Arizona
I hate Lute Olson. I hated him when his wife was alive and I hate him now. But Notre Dame punked the Hall this year and Notre Dame was not very good. So I’m going to focus my hatred for good.
Arizona

5) Illinois v. 12) Murray State
The whole “guy hiding with weed in the closet thing” at Murray State has me worried. You can always make up for the loss of one guy for one game. But Illinois is good, despite the clunker they turned in on Sunday. They’ll have no problem here.
Illinois

4) Cincinnati v. 13) East Tennessee State
ETSU is a trendy pick, too–and not just because nobody knows what the acronym is for. Cincinnati won the supposedly tough Conference USA…or Great Midwest…or whatever that doomed conference is supposed to be–tournament, and they have large, angry men. So I’m going with them.
Cincinnati

6) North Carolina v. 11) Air Force
Air Force isn’t very good. You can’t be very tall and fit into a jet cockpit.
North Carolina

3) Texas v. 14) Princeton
I’d be more worried about an upset here if the Princeton coach wasn’t a John Thompson. But he is, so Texas rolls.
Texas

7) Xavier v. 10) Louisville
At midseason the Cardinals were a force to be reckoned with. Now, they’re a farce to be reckoned with. Xavier’s tough. Too tough for the ‘Ville.
Xavier

2) Mississippi State v. 15) Monmouth
Monmouth? Where the hell is that? Oh, never mind.
Mississippi State

SECOND ROUND — Atlanta

Duke v. Arizona
This one is supposedly CBS’ dream matchup. Duke has its days when it’s unbeatable. Then again, they’ll play like they did two years ago in almost losing to Notre Dame and then in really losing to Indiana. I still hate Lute, but I smell a shocker here. And hey, you don’t win the pool without a shocker or two.
Arizona

Illinois v. Cincinnati
This could very well be Illinois’ Waterloo, though I tend to think that even though Cincinnati’s bigger that the combination of the Bearcats’ woeful offense and Illinois’ stifling defense will be good for the Illini.
Illinois

North Carolina v. Texas
Rick Barnes is a good coach, and Texas has a good team, even if they’re a TJ Ford away from a Final Four. North Carolina’s dangerous. But then, so is drinking lighter fluid.
Texas

Xavier v. Mississippi State
The Bulldogs are a complete team, with a great big man. Xavier’s not.
Mississippi State

THIRD ROUND — Atlanta

Arizona v. Illinois
I honestly think that Illinois can beat either Duke or Arizona. I could be a little deluded, but I don’t really care. They could beat Duke…they will beat Arizona.
Illinois

Texas v. Mississippi State
This should be a good game. Two good, physical teams, hammering each other into submission. But I see the Bulldogs coming out on top.
Mississippi State

REGIONAL FINALS — Atlanta

Illinois v. Mississippi State
Surely, the Illini have one more big win in them, right? I mean a win puts them in the Final Four! But, alas, they don’t match up well with Mississippi State…and the buck stops here. Oh, well.
Mississippi State

Phoenix Region
1) Stanford v. 16) Texas-San Antonio
Does Tim Duncan play for Texas-San Antonio? No?
Stanford

8) Alabama v. 9) Southern Illinois
I fell bad for Alabama here. They are not as good as SIU, but they got the higher seed and their fans will go nuts when they lose. Tough.
Southern Illinois

5) Syracuse v. 12) BYU
Surely, I wouldn’t pick the stormin’ Mormons to beat the defending champs? Right? Right. I wouldn’t.
Syracuse

4) Maryland v. 12) UTEP
Former Illini assistant Billy Gillespie is the head coach at UTEP, and while as I type this they’re scaring the pants off of Maryland, I didn’t pick them. Oh, well.
Maryland

6) Vanderbilt v. 11) Western Michigan
The Broncos are a dangerous team, and Vandy is unispiring. I’ll take dangerous over uninspiring, any day.
Western Michigan

3) North Carolina State v. 14) Louisiana-Lafayette
Every time I hear the name of NC State coach Herb Sendek, I think of Herb Tarlek from WKRP. I liked that show, and Herb’s white shoes.
North Carolina State — As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

8) DePaul v. 9) Dayton
Because I’m not fond of the Blue Demons, I really wanted to pick Dayton here. But I couldn’t. So I didn’t.
DePaul

2) Connecticut v. 15) Vermont
Vermont’s got a funny coach who hosts his own morning sports talk show, and they’ve got one really good player. But Ben Gordon could win this game if you made him play with three of us and Rebecca Lobo.
Connecticut

SECOND ROUND — Phoenix

Stanford v. Southern Illinois
The dream ends here for the Salukis. With a large thud. Much like if a tree falls in the woods…and lands on you.
Stanford

Syracuse v. Maryland
I think Maryland’s overrated, but without Billy Edelin I don’t think the ‘Cuse stands a chance in hell.
Maryland

Western Michigan v. North Carolina State
I like Western Michigan…but do I like them this much? NC State proved it in a tough conference, all year long. But oh, what the hell? I think the collapse in the ACC Tourney haunts the ‘Pack. Go MAC!
Western Michigan

DePaul v. Connecticut
Any team led by a guy with a fictional name like Quemont deserves some attention. They might not like the attention they get when UConn turns this game into a lay-up line.
Connecticut

THIRD ROUND — Phoenix

Stanford v. Maryland
This should be a good matchup. However, I think that the red-hot run of the Terps ends here, and Stanford, who really did deserve to be number one, proves it.
Stanford

Western Michigan v. Connecticut
Every Cinderella gets her head slammed into the headboard at some point. Here’s where it happens for the Broncos.
Connecticut

REGIONAL FINAL — Phoenix

Stanford v. Connecticut
A lot of people think the Connecticut is the best team in the nation. I am not one of them. Healthy Emeka Okafor or not, I still like the Cardinal better. Our fourth, Final Four team is Stanford. Really.
Stanford

FINAL FOUR

Gonzaga v. Oklahoma State
Surely, this is where the little gang from Spokane finally fizzle out, right? After all, OSU is big, tough and well coached. But you know what? So is Gonzaga.
Gonzaga

Mississippi State v. Stanford
In a perfect world, the Bulldogs take Stanford and bludgeon them to death in this game. But I have a hunch about Stanford, wuss conference or not, and I’m sticking with it.
Stanford

NATIONAL TITLE GAME
Gonzaga v. Stanford

They met on December 20 and Stanford gave Gonzaga it’s second–and final–loss of the season. Both teams are better now than they were then. But for me, this all comes down to one thing.

One team has Blake Stepp.

One doesn’t.

Your national champions–Gonzaga.

Gonzaga?

Really?

Man, I’ve got to stop sniffing glue.

But, you can look it up, this is my real Desipio Tourney Challenge entry. Really.