So the Cubs are billing this 2014 season the “Party of the Century.”  Oh, boy.

They released the promo schedule today.  Keep in mind it’s Wrigley’s 100th anniversary, so some of the giveaways are not entirely Cubs focused.  For instance in July they have a promotion where you get a bobblehead version of the Dave Matthews Band tour bus and it releases liquified feces off a bridge onto your bookshelf every 30 days.  So there’s that.

But let’s look at what they’re giving away.  Every homestand celebrates a different decade.

Opening Week
April 4 v. Philadelphia – Opening Day – Cubs magnet schedule
Just what you always wanted, a handy reminder of every day the Cubs will lose this year.  Put it on your beer fridge to help feed your alcoholism.

April 5 v. Philadelphia – Cubs magnet schedule
Same shit, different day.

1910s
April 18 v. Cincinnati – Joe Tinker Bobblehead

Before there was Ernie Banks, Joe Tinker was considered the greatest Cubs shortstop of all-time.  The Hall of Famer posted a career on base average of .308, and an OPS plus of 96.  Umm…but hey, the poem!

April 20 v. Cincinnati – Diecast Train Engine

Dan Plesac will be on hand to do his awful Cubbie Blue Express Train bullshit.

April 23 v. Arizona – Chicago Federals Jersey

 

Oh, you don’t get the jersey.  But the Cubs will be wearing them, so you can look at them!  Maybe Crane will sell you a copy of this drawing?

1920s

May 2 v. St. Louis – Red Grange Bobblehead

 

Why, it’s the Galloping Ghost himself, University of Illinois and Chicago Bears superstar Red Grange, and he’s wearing a pumpkin on his head.

May 3 v. St. Louis – Cubs Fedora Hat

Two great things about this awful giveaway.  They are giving out 10,000 of them, so about 8,500 Cardinals fans will get them, and the Cubs feel the need to call it a “fedora hat” as opposed to all those other fedoras that are out there.

May 4 v. St. Louis – Cubs Yo Yo

 

Look at this cheap piece of shit.  I hope the 8,500 Cardinals fans who get this strangle themselves with it.

May 6 v. White Sox – “Pink Out” t-shirt

For fuck’s sake.

1930s

May 16 v. Milwaukee – Babe Ruth’s Called Shot Bobblehead

The Cubs really are the worst.  This is like the Red Sox doing a Bill Buckner bobblehead with Mookie Wilson’s ground ball rolling through his legs.

May 17 v. Milwaukee – Umbrella
This will come in handy at those July home games when you get fed up and try to jump out of the upper deck.

May 18 v. Milwaukee – Viewmaster

Ugh.  I’ll bet the photos on that thing are keepers.  Probably great stuff like Kal Daniels falling down around third base and being tagged out by 65 feet.  Or Neifi bunting with the tying run on second and two outs in the ninth.

1940s

June 6 v. Miami – All American Girls Bobblehead

Jeff Samardzija in a dress.  How quaint.

June 8 v. Miami – Andy Pafko OYO Mini Figure

I’m sure Dandy Andy would be proud to have a Lego knockoff designed in his honor.  Hey, at least it has his birth and death dates on it.  That’s not morbid at all.

1950s

June 20 v. Pissburgh – Ernie Banks Bobblehead

 

This looks just like Ernie Banks.  As portrayed by Mario Van Peebles.

June 22 v. Pissburgh – Cubs Mr. Potato Head Keychain

 

Nothing says hours of fun like a Mr. Potato Head where the pieces don’t come off.  This is basically a Barry Foote figurine.

June 27 v. Washington – Wrigley Field 100 Tote Bag

A tote bag?  A tote bag?  Why not just kick the first 10,000 fans in the nuts?

1960s

July 11 v. Atlanta – Gale Sayers Bobblehead

 

Just give me 18 inches of shelf space.  It’s all I need.

July 13 v. Atlanta – Cubs Etch A Sketch

 

Really?  This is what they’re giving out.  It’s not like the Cubs had any good players during the 1960s or anything.  Hey, how about a useless toy?  It comes in handy because Crane writes the rooftop agreement on it and then they shake it up and throw it at him.

1970s

July 25 v. St. Louis – Jack Brickhouse Bobblehead

This could be cool.  Who knows, though.  They don’t have a picture of it.  It’s probably of Jack being kicked to the curb while a drunken Harry Caray falls out of a limo.

July 26 v. St. Louis – Ernie Banks Replica Statue

I like this idea, and I’m sure they’ll have a typo on it, just like they did the actual statue.  But why don’t they also have one of Ron Santo’s statue? It’s the coolest one they have.

July 27  v. St. Louis – Cubs Magic Baseball

 

Will the Cubs be shitty forever?
“Without a doubt.”

1980s

August 8 v. Tampa Bay – First Night Game Bobblehead

No picture of this yet.  I assume it’s of Morgana and her comically sized funbags do the bobbling while she molests Ryne Sandberg at home plate.

August 10 v. Tampa Bay – Cubs Rubik’s Cube

 

It’s only has four squares per side instead of nine because Cubs fans are too dumb to have any hope of solving a real one.  This shit is really awful.  They expect to actually sell tickets with this crap?

1990s

August 22 v. Baltimore – Kerry Wood 20 Strikeout Bobblehead

When it bobbles you can actually hear his ulnar collateral ligament tear.

August 24 v. Baltimore – Gracie the Swan Beanie Baby

 

Gracie was the pinnacle back when John McDonough first figured out people will buy tickets just to get completely unrelated shit.  The only good thing about this stuffed animal is that you can use it to fake a breathalyzer test.

2000s

September 5 v. Pissburgh – Greg Maddux 3000th Strikeout Bobblehead

It’s not of Greg, it’s actually just Omar Vizquel watching strike three go past.

September 7 v. Pissburgh – Build-a-Bear Doll

It’s a stuffed animal you have to make yourself.  Nothing says fun like manual labor.
Wow, what an assortment of shit.