Did you know that if you drink one of those liter Mountain Dews and a King Size Milky Way that you can put yourself in a coma for approximately 37 hours? Let’s just say I just found that out the hard way.
So, it’s Wednesday, already? My how time flies. Did I miss anything? I see that Brian posted an article about the Illinois-Duke game and most of you piled on him for being an Illini fan boy. You might want to remember that he’s an acutal Illini fan boy. He not only is still attending the school, he wakes up on campus there every day. This is opposed to me, who only gets there on odd weekends after helping one of the conjugates at the Dwight women’s penitentiary flee into the night.
How much of this was out loud?
Really, that much huh?
Anyway, enough of that crap. Let’s get to some important stuff…sports!
The Franchise will officially start the season on the disabled list. MLB rules allow the Cubs to put Mark Prior on the DL eight days before the end of spring training so that he’s eligible to come back seven days after the start of the season. He will miss one start for sure and might miss a second one. That sound you hear is coming from St. Louis Cardinals fans playing the world’s smallest banjo in sympathy for the pitching rich Cubs.
And yes, I know it’s supposed to be world’s smallest violin, but these are Cardinals fans, do we really think they know how to play a violin? But a banjo? Boy howdy, they’s all over that!
Apparently, I’m a broadcast masochist. Let’s think about this. I root for a team whose every move is narrated by the completely talentless Chip Caray, I wake up in the morning and listen to the pap spewed by Mike Murphy and Fred Huebner and on Monday night I listened to Andy Masur and Tom Waddle discuss the state of the Cubs while Dave Kaplan was on a cell phone from Ho Ho Kam screaming updated play-by-play into it like anybody actually gives a damn that Paul Bako threw out a basestealer in the first inning of a Cactus League game.
To hear Masur talk about it, the Cubs need to find a spot on the roster for erstwhile journeyman slugger Scott McClain. Hey, why not? While we’re at it, maybe we can find a spot for Phil Hiatt and Scott Stahoviak, too! I know McClain is leading the Cacti in homers and I could give a rat’s ass. Besides, if McClain made the team, what would that mean for Jose Macias? How’s he going to become our new most hated, worthless Cub if he’s in Iowa? The only guy he can piss off in Iowa is Dave Bohnenkamp.
—
Phil Rogers was on the radio last night, again advocating the White Sox trade for Ken Griffey, Jr. This makes sense. To no one, but Phil. Look, if you want to make some headlines, you trade for him. You’ll get three big headlines.
Sox sign Junior
Junior homers in first game
Junior lost for season in second game
The Reds are trying to convince Junior to move to left field to cut down on how much he has to run and they’re trying to convince him to stop diving into the outfield walls. If the Sox picked him up, they’d put him in center right next to Carlos Lee which means he’d be playing center and left. He wouldn’t last a week.
—
Karry Ling wanted a chance in today’s Dose to publish an open letter he wrote to ESPN.
Dear ESPN,
I’m not writing you today to encourage you to set Stuart Scott on fire or to take Dream Job and stick it in an uncomfortable orifice. No, I’ll address both of those issues at a later time. What I want to discuss today is the fact that somebody tricked you into a committment to televise all 63 games in the 2004 NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament.
What, you couldn’t secure the rights to the Utah junior high boy’s tournament? I do not have anything against women’s athletics. I just don’t need it thrust in my face by the so called Worldwide Leader in Sports. It’s not even that you televise the games. It’s that you act like we are wrong, or evil if we don’t care. Look, if I want to watch lesbians tear their ACLs, I’ll watch a Vivid TV marathon featuring nude female bungee jumping.
Sure, women’s basketball is huge in some places. Connecticut loves women’s basketball. They also love mainlining maple syrup and voting for Joe Lieberman.
Tennessee loves women’s basketball. They also think “getting some groceries” involves a flashlight, a barn full of raccoons and a shotgun.
Wake me when the Yankees and Devil Rays get to Tokyo. OK?
Sincerely,
Karry Ling
—
Karry is surprisingly lucid today. Who knew?
Finally (mock applause fills the Internet) today, we’ll get more into the big Illini-Duke game as the week goes on (and we’ll finally finish the team-by-team baseball previews and do a preseason Cubs report). But, I did want to address one thing.
Why do people hate Duke?
Is it because they’re good? Sure, that probably has something to do with it. But it’s more than that.
We hate Duke because Christian Lattner was a prick. We hate Duke because of the fraud Danny Ferry perpetuated on the LA Clippers. We hate Duke because of Bobby Hurley’s exposed spleen, Jay Williams’ inability to ride a two-wheeled vehicle and Quinn Snyder’s hair. We hate Duke because the Polish Johnny Cash once used a bad back as an excuse to get out of a horrific losing season. We hate Duke because Dick Vitale needs a short change approximately 3.7 seconds after he even mentions their name. We hate Duke because of the naive belief that the state of North Carolina could actually house an open-minded, free-thinking, academic bastion. We hate Duke because Dan Bernstein went there and can’t go more than seven minutes at a stretch on the radio without whining like a six year old girl. We hate Duke because Elton Brand’s mom had big enough hands for Jerry Krause to draft Elton, but not big enough to keep him. We hate Duke because they wear those stupid black uniforms too much. We hate Duke because the Cameron Crazies have nothing on the Orange Krush but a better publicist. We hate Duke because when they play North Carolina we have nobody to root for. We hate Duke because Steve Wojokowski is better known than Chris Corchiani and that’s just wrong. We hate Duke because somebody who picks them usually wins the stupid office pool. We hate Duke because nobody can pronounce the names of their men’s or women’s head coaches. We hate Duke because of the grooves in Shane Battier’s head. We hate Duke because Tommy Amaker was an overrated hack, and we could never remember which one was Brian Davis and which one was Thomas Hill. We hate Duke because Johnny Dawkins never won a national championship but Kenny Blakeney did. We hate Duke because Coach K’s hairpiece is worse than Bill Self’s. But mostly, we hate Duke because it gets Jake all riled up, and that’s never not fun.
—
While Mark Prior is on the DL we’ll have to take solace in the Meat Tray.
Barry Bonds hit a three run homer off of Carlos Zambrano and when asked about it, Carlos said, “I don’t care about him.” I love Carlos.
In case you haven’t noticed, these Illini guards…they’re good.
Rick Morrissey says basketball sucks. Or something like that.
Big Frank wants to hit cleanup now. I don’t care about him. Hey, that feels good! Thanks, Carlos.
Uh-oh, how’s the sushi in Charlotte?
Groucho’s tired of high school players in the NBA. You can just tell.
Jim Hendry’s excited about his offense. Just as long as he’s excited and still looking for a way to improve it.
Why should Illini be afraid of Duke? Crap like this makes me mad.
Rap with a surprisingly coherent column in which he’s glad Phil Martelli said nasty things about Billy Packer.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip off Groucho’s column.
AP reporter (and friend of Desipio) Drew Lawrence did the Bulls-Pacers gamer on Monday night, and since there was no Dose yesterday, we run it today. Nice work, Drew.
Deron and Dee. Dee and Deron. It does not matter the order.
The Sawx are trying to resign Nomar.
Some guy in Akron wants to know why Ugy Urbina is still not signed. I would think it’s because he kisses the catcher after games. He’ll fit in nicely with Kaz Tadano. Oh, and if Ugy is 30, I’m not old enough to buy cigarettes.
Former U of I assistant Billy Gillespie is off to College Station. On purpose? Really?
Sports Guy’s back is hurting.
If the Sox and Twins dawdle, or if the Royals backslide, the Tribe might just steal the Central. Really.
Don Banks is not fond of the Bears’ offseason.
Tom Verducci says it’s hard to find lefty starters. Gee, ya don’t say?
Janet Jackson gets more lady like every day, doesn’t she?
The Life of Brian is coming back to theaters. It’s just a great, hilarious, film. Good show.
America’s finest news source says the negro leagues are making a comeback.
I think that it’s OK to be a fan boy. In fact, I’m a big Duke fan boy and I make a living ‘analyzing’ college basketball.
Does Duke have to play anyone before they play against Texas on Sunday? It’s a good thing that Mississippi State lost, or my Blue Devils -whoops, I mean ‘Duke’- would actually have a chance of not advancing to San Antonio.
Actually, Scott McClain pissed me off in the first exhibition game (televised by ESPN) when he dropped a pop-up behind first base. He will find Des Moines quite lovely this time of year. In fact, they have several nice strip clubs there, most notably The Lumber Yard. Hmmm, I smell an endorsement opportunity for the slugging McClain.
In other news, "Green Acres" has returned to TV Land. Back-to-back episodes each weekday beginning at 4 p.m.. Classic comedy.
Hey Dave–
Then maybe you can tell everybody what my most unfortunate last name is?
Can somebody who listens to Murph & Fred please tell me why Murphy always refers to Sammy Sosa as "Sam"? Is this just to be different, or prove some sort of bizzare point? Or is Murph just brain damaged, as evidenced by his claim that Jerry Azumah should be used as a regular running back because he’s the most elusive runner since Gayle Sayers?
I think it’s time to resurrect the concept of separate ESPN channel dedictated entirely to female Sports and their fan base.
LESPN.
Andy, we know you lifted the "why do people hate Duke?" idea from our show yesterday. You should be ashamed.
Best reason I found to hate Duke 2004 was Coach K’s sympathy-begging quote that was in the Sun-times yesterday saying it "seems" like people have gone beyond wanting them to lose and now want to see them to get hurt.
He "seems" to be pulling this Duke-specific blood-thirst out of his keyster.
I think you mean first name, which would happen to be Eustice Haney.
Classic radio currently occuring. Boers and Bernstein are totally kissing Kenny Williams’ ass. They’ve been blasting him and making fun of his family for months, but now it’s a big love-fest. They remind me of the clowns at a hockey game who are real tough when there’s glass between them and the players, but change their tunes when confronted face-to-face.
By the way, if their trip to Tucson isn’t proof that The Score has a White Sox-bias, I don’t know what does. They send Geeky George Offman to do some remote reports from Mesa, yet they send their highest rated show to Sox camp.
I am getting really tired of the criticism being directed at Macias. You apparently don’t understand the importance of his potential role with the Cubs this year. If someday the team were to line up in alphabetical order along the first baseline and a terrorist were to stand at home plate and shoot a gun down the line, Macias would be one more body between Maddux and the bullet. Thank your lucky stars that we have him.
Dave, I don’t have it on, but I’m surprised Berstein’s not pissed off. He was supposedly the top choice to be the No. 1 sports anchor on the local CBS station, but they hired somebody from out of state instead.
We Chicagoans hate Duke because we passed on Carlos Boozer, who manhandles Tice and Curry like nobody’s biz-notch….
cubbiebluestew – technically McClain would serve the same purpose, as the "Mc" prefix is usually put before Ma in the phone book.
OK put McClain on the roster, along with the senator from Arizona
And put me on there, but call me Roy. I’ll play shoeless. I’m a Die Hard Cub fan. Yippee ki-yay, MF.
B&B have been making some thinly-veiled bitches about Mark Malone getting hired as a sports anchor, so maybe that’s why.
"but they hired somebody from out of state instead"
Yeah, and a FORMER PLAYER, which has journalsim student Bernstein wetting his pants with frustrated indignation.
Dave B.– "yet they send their highest rated show to Sox camp." Highest Rated Talk Show? Can we say World’s Tallest Midget.
Also Dave B. I meant to post myself as "The ACTOR who plays Mr. Haney". While Eunice is funny, and you hit that one out of the park on the first pitch, I did say "Unfortunately named". Try again.
Sorry Mac and Jurko, but I don’t listen to your show. However, I feel safe in assuming that the ones here were much more clever.
Then again, a counting horse is more clever than anything on AM 1000.
Man, if ‘BBM had to choose between talking hairdo Mark Malone and whiny Dan Bernstein, who came in third…Danny Bonaduce?
Maybe they thought they had called Bonnie Bernstein and then Dan showed up?
Two dicks…wow!!
whew! Damn, Bonnie, that was good!! I done popped a cap inya.
Hey, Andy, ya done yet?
I hate Duke mainly because they stand in the way of my pre-tournament prediction of the Illini playing this Sunday.
Oh, and the Polish Johnny Cash thinks he’s God.
I-L-L…
How does CBS get both Bonnie AND Jill Arrington (Although I’ve heard Jill is moving on to ESPN soon)??? Some CBS producer has sold his soul on that one.
Bruce Weber can’t seem to decide who to put on Williams and Deng. As long as we put five guys out there and it isn’t Dee on Shelden Williams or James Augustine on Redick we should be fine.
Oh, goodness, I hope St. Joe’s wins Thursday just to prove Billy Packer wrong. Because by 11:30 Friday they’ll be the only #1 seed left in the tournament.
I-N-I!!!!!
Mr. Haney was brilliantly portrayed by the great Pat Buttram. And Keokuk IA’s own Tom Lester played Eb.
I love a good Buttram.
Hey, I can play for both the Black Yankees and the White Yankees!
I’m for sale on e-bay if anybody’s interested.
My minimum bid is only five million!
Standings for my "real" brackets pool finally came out today, and I’m in first place by virtue of picking 11 of the sweet 16 correctly. Thank you, Vanderbilt.
Now the tough part: I picked Duke to win it all, which includes a victory Friday over my alma mater.
What price happiness? In this case, it’s a few hundred bucks….
The history of the world is none other than the progress of the consciousness of spirit. by free online poker