I thought it was odd myself, but then after it was over, I realized that the Cubs are one of the most brilliantly run organizations in sports. I mean really, who other than the Cubs would have utilized The Continental to give individual press members a briefing on the condition of The Franchises’ various injuries?
Genius, or folly?
You decide.
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[A glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell. The Continental opens the door quietly and grins.]
The Continental: Ah…you are late…but you are here. Come in…won’t you? It is always a pleasure…to have the pleasure…of your company. Please, sit down…let me take…your coat. I’m sure you are wondering about the condition…of our friend…The Franchise? No? I thought so. Would you like some champanga? Please…let me give you some champagna… [pours two glasses of champagna and lights two cigarettes in his mouth]
Would you join me in a smoke? I know that smoking…is bad…but sometimes…bad…is good. Drink your champagna…there is more where this came from. I can see you are nervous about The Franchise…have no fear. Oh, your shoulders are tight. May I…caress…them? [she nods no and stands up]
Where…are you going? I have been rude…please sit…enjoy your smoke and champanga…I’ll put on some music. Is that OK? [she nods yes and sits down–he turns to the hi-fi in his hotel suite and puts in a Blue Oyster Cult eight-track] There, my sweet. Now let me ease your fears about…The Franchise.
[BOC’s (Don’t Fear) The Reaper plays softly in the background]
You see…all men have an Achilles’…heel. Some are bigger than others…My Achilles’ is three things…champanga…smokes…and beautiful women. [he pauses and leans his head back as he listens to the song] They have…a wonderful sound…don’t they? Excellent use of cowbell on this track…
[he rests his hand on her knee–she stands then runs for the door–he cuts her off and stands in front of the door]
You look…afraid…my little doe. There is nothing to fear…The Franchise’s Achilles’ heel has no structural damage…I’ve seen the MRI’s myself. Just some…tendonitis. Just an ache. A dull ache, like the one I have for you.
[she lunges for the door again]
His elbow? His elbow is fine…never been better…he has the elbow of a 12 year old…pristine. Much like you. How about some more champagna? Would you like that? Yours is getting warm…let me freshen it up.
[she returns to the couch and he pours some more chilled champagne into her glass]
There you go…excellent champagna, is it not? I thought so. Now, the doctors tell me…excellent doctors…excellent, accredited, fully licensed medical practitioners…tell me that The Franchise will be as good as new in May. May? That’s a lovely month…isn’t it? His heel…like my heart…aches…but it is not broken. No…just an ache. A throbbing, really… Do you throb? Oh, wait…I am being rude again…I am sorry. His elbow? It’s nothing…just a precaution. Like a prostate exam…a moment of discomfort for the reassuring pleasure that comes after…his arm is fine. Now, speaking of throbbing…
[she heads for the door, he trips on the room service cart and lunges towards the door, but it’s too late, she’s already out the door and down the hall ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.
—
Sammy! just wants to win. He doesn’t care about individual achievement. Sure. Whatever.
Dusty wants a fast start, and The Franchise is going to try throwing again, tomorrow.
Mike Downey says Kenny Williams is “aggressive.” I say he’s a moran.
Phil Rogers on the guys who get cut. If only the Tribune would do a cut-down.
Joey Meyer is a candidate at Loyola. For what?
Meet the new Bears fullback.
Carlyle Holiday: wide receiver. He’s no Dez White. We hope.
Groucho with some more nonsensical advice for the Bulls.
Like The Continental said, The Franchise checked out OK yesterday. But why were they even looking?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to be the voice of reason on The Franchise’s health issues.
The Mariners were going to trade for Jason Kendall until they remembered that he sucks.
Father’s Day should be awkward for Calvin Murphy this year.
Yankees suck. The Yuh-yuh-yuh-ankees suck!
Spanish-yes.com’s Albert Chen likes Bo Hart. Somebody needs to burn this guy’s press pass.
America’s finest news source on boring political cartoons.
Hey, it is possible to laugh and hyperventilate at the same time. So which pitcher are we more likely to see pitching for the Cubs in May? Angel Guzman or Mark Prior?
I hope Albert Chen of Spanish-yes.com enjoys me because all signs point to Bo Hart starting the season here.
I can’t wait to testify – under oath – before the American people! Yeeeeeaaaargh!
And that Richard Clarke guy, he’s gay!
Andy,
You missed my Pulizer-worthy commentary on the Franchise.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/spring2004/columns/story?columnist=neyer_rob&id=1771319
It comes complete with Prior’s Hall of Fame plaque….
MARK WILLIAM PRIOR
CHICAGO, N.L., 2002-2013, 2019
NEW YORK, A.L., 2014-2016
PORTLAND, N.L., 2017-2019
SAN DIEGO, N.L., 2020-2021
PICTURE PERFECT POWER PITCHER WHO HELPED LEAD CUBS TO THEIR FIRST WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP IN NEARLY A CENTURY. WON 312
GAMES OVER 20 SEASONS. SET N.L. RECORD FOR STRIKEOUTS BY RHP (3,537) AND 21st CENTURY N.L.
RECORD FOR LOWEST ERA (2.68) BY RHP. 5-TIME CY YOUNG AWARDEE. NO-HIT BREWERS IN 2004 AND YANKEES IN 2012
"Father’s Day should be awkward for Calvin Murphy this year."
HEADLINE OF THE YEAR!!!
I’ll disown that kid if he throws one pitch for the Yankees.
He’ll be a Cub for life, Neyer.
And Portland is as likely to get an NL franchise as Kabul is.
Great column Rob, way to provide absolutely no insight into the subject. Your conclusion that Mark Prior is currently a good pitcher because he’s pitched well in the majors so far is a stunning piece of logic. And you really go out on a limb with your "we’ll have to wait and see" stance regarding Prior’s Hall of Fame chances. For godssake, how does Neyer have a job? Who do we have to contact at ESPN to get this hack fired?
The Continental…
…that was creepy.
No, I don’t want no champagna!
How ’bout some Candace? mmmmmmmmmmm
Hey, if you liked my column about Prior, you’ll loved today’s piece, in which I talk about my toy soldiers, er, miniature baseball players….
Jeez, Rob, thanks for the freakfest. Only the Neyer Insiders should have been exposed to that.
Rob says his little figurines are the only game his son will play with him voluntarily, so I’d hate to think of what games don’t make the cut.
Imaginary wife Kristien (non-traditional spelling Rob’s, for believability) should have no problem winning the custody battle, even if she’s just one of the figurines.
If memory serves me correctly, when Branford Marsalis quit the Tonight Show he reffered to Jay Leno as a "despicable human being". At least he had the first adjective right.
Pardone me, but I must add that The Franchise is like the champagna, and Mitre is like the cold duck . . .
Pardone me, but I must add that The Franchise is like the champagna, and Mitre is like the cold duck . . .
We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love. by texas hold’em
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